BPDh keeps making poor choices...

[formflier]

  Maybe I'm missing what you are aiming for Formflier, but I just don't want to open a can of worms,

   There is no negotiation.    Either he understand through experience that there is no pleasure here (99% certain this will happen).  He will self select no and the issue is over.  or  He says he needs it gentler like this, not like that because it feels better to me.   If it feels better to him in a certain way (gentler, kinder, not dominating and controlling), then he should help you understand how his experience of having something in his rear is different than yours (trying to be polite here)  Don't rescue him from the turmoil this will create in him.      

FF

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

Saying no is being honest . There is no desire on CBs part to do this to him or have him do this to her.

The idea of saying yes with the toy is being dishonest. Yes is not an option.

Sure he may pester you. Even a kid will pester a parent for a toy or cookie if he thinks that there is a chance it could work.

The only way for him to learn that no means no is to say no till he realizes no means no.

[Notwendy]

He may like it gentler but that is not a guarantee he would be gentle with CB or that she'd like it regardless. If it isn't an option then it isn't an option.


CB's H has not shown empathy so far. I doubt this would make him empathetic.

A boundary is a boundary- not contingent on the other persons behavior or feelings.

[waverider]

Yeah, I'm just going to say "no", which has always been really hard for me. In this case though, I know I can do it. The pain of anal is such a strong reminder, and my dread of the pain, that saying "no" is way less painful than anal sex could ever be. Saying no causes discomfort for me, but it doesn't cause pain, and it's probably good for me to learn to say no. It's something I probably haven't done enough of, due to my fears, or his threats.


And yes, it will probably take a lot of repeating, and learning to not be pressured or guilted.

Learning to say no takes practice, it is empowering and sets a precedent. It is a lot easier if it is kept as simple as possible.

[Mutt]

Thanks everyone that participated in this discussion. The topic has reached it's post limit and is now locked. You are welcome with creating a new thread with a similar topic.