Has anyone else resorted to spying to find out the truth?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I was just wondering if anyone else has resorted to spying on their BPD to find out the truth. I knew she lied everytime her lips moved so I felt the need to check her email and phone records. Do I need help or just responding to the lies? Was wondering if I was alone. By the way, she was lying to more than just me. Sad situation, I wished now I would have never done it.

[PDQuick]

I was just wondering if anyone else has resorted to spying on their BPD to find out the truth. I knew she lied everytime her lips moved so I felt the need to check her email and phone records. Do I need help or just responding to the lies? Was wondering if I was alone. By the way, she was lying to more than just me. Sad situation, I wished now I would have never done it.

[crazyhorse]

Regrettably, I must admit that I did this too. I would check my BP wifes cell phone and her internet activity. Sometimes this was my only source of reliable information.  This is how I found out she was house hunting and checking various dating sites. I discussed this with my therapist and she helped me realize that this spying is unhealthy.

We do not want spying to become an acceptable practice. Someday when we are in a healthy relationship we might repeat this and well, it would just be harmful. But I know how hard it is to resist spying when you are not getting the truth any other way.

[PDQuick]

Thanks crazyhorse. I feel that I am walking in the same path that you have been down. How long has it been and how are you doing now?

[cali girl]

Unfortunately, yes - I used to do this.  Like everyone who resorts to this desperate measure, it was a way for me to prove I wasn't nuts.  I did confirm the truth, and it was exactly what my gut feeling had been telling me <sad but true>.  I will admit it is habit forming, to stop is like trying to kick drugs. 

Glad to report, I haven't felt the need to resort to this measure for 2 months now, when you have trust in your heart, you will know... and the need to check into things will slip your mind - it's quite freeing. 

~ Cali

[crazyhorse]

My BP soon to be ex wife and I have been separated for about three weeks. It is very hard. I still love her and think about her all the time. I even dream about her at night.

My wife and I went to marriage counseling briefly (she quit). I continue to see this therapist and she has helped me immensely in sorting out the craziness and what is real and what is not. The nook has been great too since I discovered it almost by accident.

We both have a lot of hard days and nights ahead of us. But we must get through this. There is no other option.

Cali...you said it so well again.

[Ripe]

I had to resort to spying too. Both her cell phone and email. I also had the telephone company send me a detailed account of all calls (land line). I agree that it is habit forming and difficult to kick. On the other hand, it was the only way for me to find out about all the lying that was taking place. It also allowed me to understand the way she referred to me in email conversations with girlfriends. I was surprised by the amount of disrespect. It was all very hurtful but I would do it again if that was the only way to find out the truth.

[Shane13]

Guilty as charged!  But I kicked the habit about two weeks after starting (been clean for over a month).  Funny though, my BPDh has been trying to tap into my email once he found out that I signed up for the WTOStaying group -- I told him, and printed out some of MY postings.  He asked me the other day if I changed my password because he couldn't log on to my email.  I asked him why he wanted to and he admitted he wanted to know what else I am saying...changing my password once a week for a while  /:)

[garyw]

Guilty :-\...Anyone reading this thread and hasn't done this i would not recomend it. You may see things you don't want to see that could stick with you for a long time and actually drive you crazy.

[Krakatoa]

Nope..never needed to...any supposed transgression from "the rules" resulted in her phoning up male work mates, flirting outrageously with them and arranging dates whilst I was in the same room. ( never followed through, so god knows what they thought ..although they were years her junior) I would just sit there like a good non , mute and horribly insulted.  She would also on-line date when I was right there and hold up the lap-top in triumph to show me all her responses.

So no . I had no need to dig at all, she just garrotted my self esteem.

Could have been multiple things...my failure to provide a meal exactly when she deemed, I'd failed to stroke her forehead for the prescribed amount of time, I'd read the paper for too long, I'd received too many work-related phone calls..Blah , blah , blah, complain , rail and blame..we all know what it's like. If it isn't about them, then God help you.

I thankfully now realise , that all she had in reserve was her physical attractiveness and she used that and that only as her mainstay.

I still cannot believe I fell for it for nearly three years

How pathetic can one get ?

[kkce967]

I did with my ExH too but not my ex BPDbf. I never married the BPDBF.

The only problem with snooping is stumbling onto the hurtful things. When I snooped around I found

1) LOTS of Porn magazines and pictures of him with strippers

2) Bills he hadn't paid

3) Credit card statements which would have been unremarkable if they hadn't been MY credit card statements that he stole from the mail because they showed numerous cash advances he made using my pin number.

4) Bongs and all sorts of little things he used for MJ

5) Receipts for things he bought for himself instead of paying above mentioned bills he hadn't paid and my credit card statements. He spent hundreds of dollars on model train equipment, CD's, beer, cigarrettes, porno and the list is endless.

6) A separation agreement with his ex wife which would have been unremarkable except...THERE WAS NO DIVORCE AGREEMENT. Unbeknownst to me, my ex was not yet divorced but insisted and insisted he was. Even after finding out he lied about this, I married him when the divorce was final. I was an idiot.

7) A police report on two DUI's he had in the past.

8 ) A police report recording assault and battery on his ex wife.

I also found countless receipts and matchbooks for places he had been when he said he was "at work" and paycheck stubs. He hid the paycheck stubs from me because when I asked for bill money, he always had some song and dance about how his workplace short changed him a couple hundred dollars or something along those lines and that was why he couldn't pay them. I think the ultimate hurtful thing was finding a pic of his ex wife in a bikini stashed in a porno mag that I found stuffed under his pillow. I found that innocently. I was washing the shts and pillowcases.

May I say again.. I was an idiot.

[cali girl]

Krakatoa - I appreciate your story... however, at least you weren't pathetic enough to  ;p olice: her!

All of us here in this thread one way or another are or were pathetic (pardon the phrase), I'm sure not one person here is proud of the admission, myself included!

~Cali

[scott64]

Guilty too!

I guess I am glad I am not the only one. As a man dumped by an BPD exgf I have mixed feelings about this.

1. On the one hand it was wrong morally, and was a sign I was nott able to just let her go (a problem many of us have had).

2. But on the other hand I learned much through snooping that helped me see what was really going on. Great example - I saw an e-mail to the new bf using the exact same words and phrases she had used with me. It was so obvious what she was, that I was able to realize I was lucky to be out. In that way it was empowering to me to find the truth and not rely on her false words and postures.

Scott

[willowtree007]

Willowtree007

The lies, denials and betrayals. Suspicion and panic attacks consumed me near the end. By sleuthing I found truth and reality. However, even with hard evidence, he denied. "That company (dating site) put those women on his profile! He didn't do a thing! And I was the one who probably made up his hot list just to get him into trouble with me!"  :  ? ;==

[Sybgow]

Gary wrote:

"Anyone reading this thread and hasn't done this i would not reccomend it. You may see things you don't want to see that could stick with you for a long time and actually drive you crazy."




I gotta differ. Pain and "craziness" might result, but KNOWING the truth is important. STD's, errant assertation of parentage, etc., might happen if we don't. If the SO/BPD is doing enough to get the non confused/suspicious, then looking into it is ok.  And if we find bad stuff, then so be it. I did, and it helped me.

Facing the truth is important, and if we have to look into the PC's and/or cell phones in our own homes, well that's ok.  My humble opinion.

[garyw]

Man I'm batting zero tonight :-\ two threads now where people disagree with me

Thats ok ,I understand what you mean.  If it has to do with safty or health then I guess whatever ya have to do.

Anything else though..if the relationship has resorted to having to follow one another and pry into their purses and billfolds,then the relationship is and has been in serious shape.

Staying with someone you don't or can't trust is just plain tourture.

[kkce967]

Gary,

I'll agree with you on that. I wouldn't have started snooping if I hadn't caught him in so many lies already, I lost trust in him. If there is no trust, there is no relationship. My BPD and I never lived together and I never saw any indication that I couldn't trust him until he stood me up one night when we had a date. In my mind, that was it. I was disappointed but I was done. I went back because two weeks later, I found out I was pregnant but I realize now, I never trusted him again. What is shameful is he ended the relationship with cheating. I should have never restarted it to begin with and should have left it finished. If I have even have a thought in the next relationship (If there is one) to start snooping, I think that's a big flag to me that there are serious issues.

[Sybgow]

Gary wrote:

"..if the relationship has resorted to having to follow one another and pry into their purses and billfolds,then the relationship is and has been in serious shape."


YES, YES, YES, Gary, you're absolutely right. I don't think you were even really "wrong" in your earlier post. It's just a complicated thing. Truth is important to know.

Snooping through handbags and cellphones is S__TTY. I AGREE. But...


Reality is reality. Truth is truth. Infidelity is important to know about, even though it hurts. And the relationship ALREADY sucks if it's necessary to go down this road.


I don't know how to go on, here. Maybe I'm wrong. I dunno.

[StressedinCleveland]

I admit to doing this shortly after the scales fell from my eyes as a result of discovering bpdfamily about a year ago. I found nothing, basically. Cell phone records show no disecernable pattern. No one number popping up any more than the other school parents who she calls for PTA stuff. Internet sites are mostly medical, and show she is spending most of her online time trying to find new diseases and diagnoses she might have --obsessional hypochondria. I actually think she is just too dysfunctional to pull off an affair. The fact that we are $98,000 in debt and she is unemployed puts a very effective limit on her overspending --she has reformed her shopaholism out of necessity.

To sum up, the information I found was all so dreadfully boring and pathetic I couldn't stand to snoop any longer.

[garyw]

I used to do photography for this giant earth moving company. They had many all over the world what is called (proving grounds). Their main compeditors main plant was just about 45 miles away.

So many times years ago ( amongst other things they did) helicoptors from each company would swoop down on each others proving grounds where they were testing the  new models coming out.

finally after a few years of this they had a metting and agreed that they were both world leaders in their field and from then on(gave) eachother what they were working on.

What became of this was better products from both companies. All out of trust.

[willowtree007]

I used to do photography for this giant earth moving company. They had many all over the world what is called (proving grounds). Their main compeditors main plant was just about 45 miles away.

So many times years ago ( amongst other things they did) helicoptors from each company would swoop down on each others proving grounds where they were testing the  new models coming out.

finally after a few years of this they had a metting and agreed that they were both world leaders in their field and from then on(gave) eachother what they were working on.

What became of this was better products from both companies. All out of trust.

...and your point is?

Wil :

[garyw]

Maybe that even the big boys can act childish at times and why not just have things out in the open.They are gonna find out anyway.

[willowtree007]

Maybe that even the big boys can act childish at times and why not just have things out in the open.They are gonna find out anyway.

Well, my big boy did not have things out in the open. As a typical BPD, he hid things, deceived, denied and lied. When you suspect you are being duped, it is necessary, moral and right to investigate your suspicions. Anything less would be naive.

Wil

[ron7127]

I snooped and found out loads of weird sht. Affairs, no college degree as claimed, past affairs, stealing, bad credit. I only did this after years of "knowing" I was being lied to. So, I do not regret it one bit. The info gave me the courage/anger to get the hell out.

[mikeLINY]

It probably saved my life and got me out of OZ. BP's force us to resort to desperate measures, of course the feminist websites refer to it as controlling- but they should note an exception for living with a BP! BP's lie, even when they don't have to, and when confronted with the truth they still try and deny. I knew that I had no choice but to resort to spying to find out my EXBPFiancee was cheating on me. I taped phone calls, checked phone bills, and even resorted to installing a GPS device on her cell phone. When I confronted her with the GPS print outs showing her that she was at the guys house until wee hours of the morning on numerous occasions, she still denied it! Although painful I knew what I was up against and had to let it go on a few times so I could show her a few different dates, on each paper I asked her the next day what she did the night before and wrote down her comments right on the paper so with each denial I showed her exactly what she said, and what time, and what lie she told me. When she realized I caught her at her own game, in true BP fashion she turned the blame on me and told me I was too controlling so I made her cheat! Does she really think I enjoy having to spend all that money on spying on her and go through all the trouble? The fun of living with Mental illness!

[sillyputte]

I didn't spy...nor did I feel the need to.  By the time I made up my mind my ex and I were over it was over.  I had done all I could do, and her treatment of me was abusive.  This all came after a year of counselling and one final try only to have the pattern repeat itself.

The cheating and lies were all revealed when she painted all of her friends black and they all came reporting what she had said (lies) and done (cheating) after they too were blacklisted.

I was shocked somewhat, but not totally.  I never suspected or expected my ex to be hitting on one of my friends while we were dating.  Hearing that just put the final nail in the coffin for me.

I honestly feel that spying on a SO is wrong.  It shows you have the feeling that you can't trust them (valid or not) and that should be enough to walk away from a relationship.

I never suspected any of the things my ex did, nor would I have expected them.  If I suspected I would have left!

[willowtree007]

I honestly feel that spying on a SO is wrong.  It shows you have the feeling that you can't trust them (valid or not) and that should be enough to walk away from a relationship.

I never suspected any of the things my ex did, nor would I have expected them.  If I suspected I would have left!

My ex was so skilled at convincing me that my suspicions were ungrounded. I was living in a hell of bewildering self-doubt. Spying clinched the truth.

A gullible and naive Wil

[Bob58]

The simple truth is yes, in the end I resorted to it.

I didn't want to but felt I had no choice because I had to, finally, "know the truth".

And I found more than I'd ever bargained for.

The real truth is I knew all along I just didn't want to believe what my gut was always telling me.

Sure, I didn't know names and dates and times but I always knew when she was lying.  I just didn't ever want to believe it.

Spying on her (checking her email) gave me "proof".  But it didn't help me and only made me feel worse about myself because it became just one more way that I'd ended up acting like she did.  And nothing ever made me feel worse about myself than acting like she did.