The flavor in life is gone

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Just posting this more for reasons to go back to it later, but I had to put this out there.

The "flavor" of life has gotten so bland lately. Nothing seems to give me that burst I am so used to getting. I know it is depression setting in. Foods dont have much taste, there is really no gratification in work, the experiences I seem to have are extremely subdued. There is no spark. No flash, No flame.

I admit this to myself not more as a comparison point to going on meds later in the week. I need to remember how it feels to be me in this time, so I have something to compare it to.

It isnt such a bad thing either. There are no more really low lows. I really dont feel much, other than just blandness. On the bad side, there are no highs either. There just is a feeling of here. Hard to explain, but when I look back, Ill know what I meant.

The things that used to give me pleasure, dont anymore, and the things that used to cripple me, dont affect me either. I dont get excited, I dont get floored. I dont have the enthusiasm I used to, but then again, I dont see things as bleak either. I am not suicidal, but in the same breath, wonder about ever being hopeful again. I know this is just a temporary phase, and that it is ok. I will be ok.

If I had to describe my feelings right now, they are like rice that has been boiled for two hours, and served cold, with nothing else on them. Quite a long way from the usual cajun, spicy feelings of the past.

I usually have a zest for life, now I have a distaste. I cant help but wonder if that is why I dont eat much anymore. Nothing tastes good, not bad, but not good either.

I try to go about my daily routine. Something as simply as petting my cats just doesnt fill me like it used to. I have noticed that they have been different, clingy. Is it because I am not loving on them like I used to? I dont call most of my friends as much. I have one or two that I talk to, but as for the rest, the urge just doesnt strike me anymore. I even find myself not answering the phone when they do call. Just dont have the energy to put up the front anymore.

Its funny, I talked to Tony and Oy last night, and although I have never spoken to either one, Tony said that he could tell there was something going on with me. That hit home. I thank you for noticing Tony. I didnt realise that it was that obvious. I try to keep in in check, but I guess I cant even do that anymore.

I hope these meds work. I still dont know what they will be, and I dont care, as long as they liven up my taste buds of life a little. Im tired of this feeling. Its been here too long, and seems to be getting worse. I used to have good days, and bad days about my ex, now that is gone, and I have the good days and bad with just me in mind.

There are better times ahead, I know this, and I cant wait. I will be patient, and optomistic, and knowing you guys are out there surely helps. If I have been off lately, I am sorry, it is nothing personal. Just a phase Im going through. Have any of you guys been through this? Im sure most of you have.

[PDQuick]

Just posting this more for reasons to go back to it later, but I had to put this out there.

The "flavor" of life has gotten so bland lately. Nothing seems to give me that burst I am so used to getting. I know it is depression setting in. Foods dont have much taste, there is really no gratification in work, the experiences I seem to have are extremely subdued. There is no spark. No flash, No flame.

I admit this to myself not more as a comparison point to going on meds later in the week. I need to remember how it feels to be me in this time, so I have something to compare it to.

It isnt such a bad thing either. There are no more really low lows. I really dont feel much, other than just blandness. On the bad side, there are no highs either. There just is a feeling of here. Hard to explain, but when I look back, Ill know what I meant.

The things that used to give me pleasure, dont anymore, and the things that used to cripple me, dont affect me either. I dont get excited, I dont get floored. I dont have the enthusiasm I used to, but then again, I dont see things as bleak either. I am not suicidal, but in the same breath, wonder about ever being hopeful again. I know this is just a temporary phase, and that it is ok. I will be ok.

If I had to describe my feelings right now, they are like rice that has been boiled for two hours, and served cold, with nothing else on them. Quite a long way from the usual cajun, spicy feelings of the past.

I usually have a zest for life, now I have a distaste. I cant help but wonder if that is why I dont eat much anymore. Nothing tastes good, not bad, but not good either.

I try to go about my daily routine. Something as simply as petting my cats just doesnt fill me like it used to. I have noticed that they have been different, clingy. Is it because I am not loving on them like I used to? I dont call most of my friends as much. I have one or two that I talk to, but as for the rest, the urge just doesnt strike me anymore. I even find myself not answering the phone when they do call. Just dont have the energy to put up the front anymore.

Its funny, I talked to Tony and Oy last night, and although I have never spoken to either one, Tony said that he could tell there was something going on with me. That hit home. I thank you for noticing Tony. I didnt realise that it was that obvious. I try to keep in in check, but I guess I cant even do that anymore.

I hope these meds work. I still dont know what they will be, and I dont care, as long as they liven up my taste buds of life a little. Im tired of this feeling. Its been here too long, and seems to be getting worse. I used to have good days, and bad days about my ex, now that is gone, and I have the good days and bad with just me in mind.

There are better times ahead, I know this, and I cant wait. I will be patient, and optomistic, and knowing you guys are out there surely helps. If I have been off lately, I am sorry, it is nothing personal. Just a phase Im going through. Have any of you guys been through this? Im sure most of you have.

[crystal]

PD-

You couldnt have written a better description of depression if you tried.  I am so sorry you are depressed. But impressed that you recognize it and are seeking help on many levels.  It is an awful place to be. It will get better. Promise.

(((((PD))))))

Crystal

[Vincent]

Hi PDQuick !

Well, my gf dumped me three months ago, and I must say, I feel exactly the same as you do. Ordinary I'm a guy full of projects, always running and loving life more than anything. But now, everything seems tasteless, sparkless and soulless. Even me. It's just as if I lost a part of me. Which, considering my feelings for my BPDex, is true in a way.

I'm thinking about going to a therapist. But you know, I live in France, and BPD is not really well known, so it's possible that he will not completely understand the "why" of the problem. Anyway, depression is depression, so, some help cannot hurt.

We do not know each other, but I'm here and well, I understand so well what you're going through.

you know what I do every morning ? I'm telling myself : maybe tomorrow will be better...

Take care friend

Vincent

[Moving On]

It's funny, but I've been noticing this about myself, but I'm still in the BP relationship (kind of - more of an observer now).

I'm kept from doing things that I really used to like doing.  I'm a musician (not by profession, but it's my first love).  My W says that she likes it when I play the guitar, but as soon as I pick it up, she insists that something else needs doing.  She does leave me alone, though, when I decide to shoot some pool (my newer hobby).  I can get lost in drills, pushing myself, etc. 

I'm also a car nut.  I used to ALWAYS have an old car around that I was working on, fixing, improving.  Geez - can't do THAT any more.  I tried to buy a fixer-upper Triumph TR-6 recently, and...  well. 

I really think that I've given up too much of my life.  Luckily, my boys are getting to the point where I can involve them in my hobbies.  Got a drum set for one, guitar on the way for the other.  The older one would LOVE to help out fixing up a car. 

I tried setting boundaries, got nowhere.  Now I'm just trying to bore her to death.  When she finally realizes that she's lost her f**kbuddy completely, maybe she'll leave.

OK - getting off topic - time to redirect.  Food is tasteless because you're not trying!  Carry around a bottle of habanero sauce, put it on everything.  Are there foods that you used to eat that W didn't?  Get back to them.  Get yourself some knock your socks off BBQ sauce and make some ribs.  My "supplier" of hot sauce in Florida died a few years ago, and I have yet to find replacements - he had BBQ sauce that'd be enough to wake up the taste buds.

Really - you've been through an ordeal.  I like to think that I'd be like "Free at last!" in your position, but I can't know until I get there.  Of course, in my case, there is really no love left here, and I know now (thanks to all of you) that I didn't cause it, I can't control her and I can't cure her.

I don't know if the above is a pep talk for you, but I'm trying.  I'm 47, and I know that my life would be vastly different once I'm separated.  But the boys have to come with me - that's the problem.  If I lost the boys, I'd maybe be in your boat.  My friends though?  Hell yeah - I could get to know them again.

I'm on Zoloft - leftover stress and depression are the reasons I'm still on them.  Don't know whether they help, but I do try to have a positive outlook, when I was feeling quite trapped before.

[Cyndi]

Hey PD,

ahhh, I know this feeling soo well.  Just going through the motions, things you remember making you happy, you just don't care anymore.  Maybe we are just TIRED after being whipped so soundly.  Maybe we are just so disapointed that things have turned out this way, and feel what's the use?


remember how we felt when we were falling in love?  How everything made us happy and everything is right with the world?

You know I don't have all the answers, I'm probably struggling more than you are right now.  But what I'm thinking is that this life now, just doesn't fit anymore.  It was a life that involved them, and it fir then.  But now that they are long gone, nothing seems to make sense now.

maybe what we both need is to change some things, shake it up a little bit?  Meet new people, try new things, make our lives different.  We are both different people now because of all this, I guess we need to start changing things to fit the people we have become because of this experience.

Let's try to come up with a new idea for ourselves and no matter how unmotivated we are, just force ourselves to do it?


I feel for you PD, you know I do...


(((((((extra big hugs))))))))))

[turtle]

Hey PDQuick

Sorry you're feeling so blah.  I know exactly how you feel.  Why do you say you're going on meds at the end of the week?  Are you going to the doctor?   Let us know what he/she prescribes.

Turtle

[TonyC]

ok quick... you had your ass handed to you a few weeks ago...this is the aftermath...

we have been thru it...i was standing right where you are right now...everything was just fine... that was my word of the day... fine

nothing good nothing bad just fine...i would go down to the garage ...take the cover off the harley...then put it back on...,wash my truck again..2nd time in two days..., wanted to eat wasnt hungry...

got a raise ,,, fine...everything wasnt fine...everything sucked...

but one day...i started listening... to people...

peolple here, strangers...they all say the same thing... that i was a great person with much to offer...but ...

i do for everyone and noone is there for you? i said i know...and started to cry...

it was the indian guy that turned me around...came into my office...my guys had fixed his car...well

1. he said... there are many who want to get close to you... but you wont let them , you are harboring feelings for someone who has hurt you badly...i just stared at him...

2. he said you can live in the past , or move foward to a better time...

3. your heart is scarred deeply

4. you must stop ...thinking about a woman...who is no good for you

5. he told me the 6th month will be a new beginning...only if you let it...

6. the tears were coming down on my face...this guy was dead on while he held my hand...he made a circle on my forehead with his thumb...he said something in indian...sqeezed my hand...

i made a decision that day...l will not lament the relationship anymore i gave it everything...and recieved one large dissapointment...and it was time... to close that door... ... forever...i left mare on the other side... she cant hurt me anymore...

and started dating that weekend... learned how to smile again, learned how to hold hands...and i wont use the word fine...

quick...its time...no more fine, no more sucks, life is good... but you have to want it to be good...

want it to be good quick?  make it good...

whats , specifically getting at you right now this moment...true story quick...

this happened last week of may...

what ever you need quick

were here

tony

[elphaba]

My sweet friend...

The old saying "this too shall pass" is true, it is simply part of the process...we've lived a life with such varying extremes of high and low...for things to be just "normal" is a new concept.  We've been programed to expect those levels, you are now in de-programing mode...

I am still going through waves of this, still dealing with my inner demons, still struggling to figure out who the hell I am...I have ok days and then days where nothing seems to give me any life...

You have so much life, humor, spirit and love...don't waste it, don't let it fade, encourage your inner child, try new things, new foods, new adventures...your story is bound to have a whopper of an adventure in the next chapter...it is ok to slow down for things to be just blahhh for a little bit, you're just not used to it.

PD...give yourself a break here...you have been through a very trying ordeal, you are facing things about yourself that perhaps you have kept in the deepest place inside you for a long time...that flavor will come back, all the tastes, smells, sounds all the excitement at new discoveries, new friends, new adventures... your story is just begining...

:-*

[PDQuick]

Ok Tony, I will tell you all what the skinny is in my life so you can understand. I will start out with my lifes questions. These are questions I have asked myself almost everyday.

Why am I in a relationship with a woman I dont like? Why am I drawn to her? She is the exact opposite of everything I believe in, so why the attraction? I get out of it, and want so badly to get back in, why? Why do I feel so inferior to everyone else? Why is it that I find something to do, run it to death, and am able to put it down, and walk away? (Music, football, playing drums, playing guitar, exercising, lifting weights, different interests, same story. I get into them, become obcessed with them, and one day, just drop them like a bad habit, and walk away.) Why is it that I dont think I have ever loved anything because I can just walk away? What is it in me that causes me to give so much to feel accepted by so few? Why do I feel I have to do things for people to get them to like me? Why am I so insecure? Why do I self sabotoge things? Why dont I think Im not good enough? Ok, guys you get the drift.

These have been my lifes questions. These have been things I have struggled with each and every day. These are the things that have remained unanswered until just recently. These questions are the very foundation that have caused me to doubt my worth, and my sanity. These are the things that I couldnt sleep at night because I know I am intelligent enough to find the answers to them, but I havent and I wanted to know why. Now I know.

All the relationship stuff, all of the hobby and recreational stuff. All the wanting to get back with her when I knew she was so wrong for me. All of it was a distraction. I was distracting myself from the bigger issue that I had going on in my head. I had suppressed it for so long that I havent even thought about it for years, but it was there, stalking my thoughts, shaping my life, and causing me to run through my life with blinders on. It has been there, in stealth mode, waiting to terrorize me for the last time. And now that time has come. No distractions, no walls to hide behind, nothing to run into for shelter, out here in the open, and nowhere to go. I have now turned to face it, and I dont want to, but I cant run from it anymore.

As a younger boy, My parents best friend molested me. Countless times. I was in 4th grade. I was young, vulnerable, and too afraid to stand up for my rights. I was scared to death, and I hated it, and I hated him for it. I locked it away for years, thinking that if I didnt acknowledge it, it didnt happen. If I convinced myself it was no big deal, it wasnt.  I have never, EVER been so wrong in my life. I see it now as plain as day. I havent thought about it until recently, when I found out that the same thing happened to a family, and their daughter that I am close to. A predator entered their lives, much like in my scenario. He made himself friends with the parents, and all the kids, and took advantage of the youngest daughter. I know everyone in that story, to include the worthless piece of sht that did that to her. I hope he rots in jail for what he did. It was being close to that family, and that girl that brought out my demons. I too had that predator. After we left that city, we never heard from him again. So much for being my parents best friend. He didnt want to be friends with my parents, he was a predator! A thief of childrens lives. I hate that son of a butt, and If I could ever find him, I would kill him for what he has done to me.

Now you all know.

I fully realize now that my relationship with my ex was nothing but something to distract me from this. During my school years, it was athletics, football, lifting weights, running, working out, and working period. I did these things constantly. After high school, I drank until I almost died, I worked horrendously long hours, I played in bands, learned various instruments, bartended, anything to keep my ming going. Then I met her, and all her drama. That was enough to keep it going. But when we would break up, i needed to find somewhere to hide, and I would go back to her. I have always wondered why when she would have a new boyfriend, I wasnt jealous. I even posted about it in my very first posts. I wasnt jealous. I just needed her to be in my life. Do you know how crazy I thought I was because I loved this woman and I thought it would be ok to share her with someone else? Turns out that I didnt really love her at all. how could I? I didnt even like who she is. I wanted her for her distracting capability, and that is it. No more, no less.

I look back at my life now and wonder what was real? What, if anything was a legitimate love for me? Nothing! All I was doing was going from one thing to another, distracting myself. I have no idea what true love is. I have no idea what it is to do something because it makes me happy.

All I know is that I am proud of my gut instinct, and core to have come through this without turning down the wrong road. I have done some really self destructive things, like excess drinking when I was younger, but nothing that I couldnt straighten out. I am a good person, caring about others, and I am respectful. My inner self could have taken me down many paths in life. I am proudly standing here knowing that I have done mostly right for myself, and I have taken the no so easy high road. I am not a victim to this event, I am his victim, but it didnt crush my life. It made it difficult, but many have not made it this far, or have done this well. I take alot of satisfaction in that. I couldnt ever do that to another human being. I am not a student of his teaching, yet I am a student of the trials and tribulations of life. I have spent 27 years running, and I am tired. I will run no more, but chose to face it and fight. It is my only choice left, and it is my second destiny. My first destiny is to have a good life, because after all I have been through, Damnit, I deserve it.

[garyw]

Recognizing an impending shed  (Ecdysis)

A PDQuick about to shed is referred to as being "in the blue." The signs you will see indicating a shed is about to take place are consistent and include:

   •   

   •   Skin becomes dull.

   •   

   •   

   •   Eyes become cloudy or 'bluish.'

   •   

   •   

   •   Increase in nervous behavior (because they cannot see well).

   •   

After three to four days, the eyes become clear again PDQuick begins seeking out rough surfaces in its enclosure such as branches and rocks (which should be relatively smooth - not pumice) and should be readily accessible. Shedding will progress from nose to tail and will take anywhere from seven to 14 days.

(I replaced snake with PDQuick...i dont think your a snake )

********************

You are in a period of shedding some old stuff PD and just aren't sure what the new will bring but for sure it will be new and fresh and you will wear it well.

When and if that doesn't suit you,you can shed again for whatever reasons you wish for. We are a very pliable species and don't have to either be skinned by someone else or forced to where the skin we came with. take this time to reast and design what ever fashion suits you

[elphaba]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((PDQuick)))))))))))))))))))))))))

My first destiny is to have a good life, because after all I have been through, Damnit, I deserve it.

You are right...so go get it man...

Much love,

Elphie

[Moving On]

As a younger boy, My parents best friend molested me. Countless times. I was in 4th grade. I was young, vulnerable, and too afraid to stand up for my rights. I was scared to death, and I hated it, and I hated him for it. I locked it away for years, thinking that if I didnt acknowledge it, it didnt happen.

All I have to say is... yikes.  I can't imagine.

I fully realize now that my relationship with my ex was nothing but something to distract me from this. During my school years, it was athletics, football, lifting weights, running, working out, and working period. I did these things constantly. After high school, I drank until I almost died, I worked horrendously long hours, I played in bands, learned various instruments, bartended, anything to keep my ming going.

I'll have to tell you - the positive things in there... ARE life.  I think your introspection went a little TOO deep.  You're getting too philisophical, I think.  Any worthwhile pursuit is kind of a distraction.  It's what we do... what we're here for.

I couldnt ever do that to another human being. I am not a student of his teaching, yet I am a student of the trials and tribulations of life. I have spent 27 years running, and I am tired. I will run no more, but chose to face it and fight. It is my only choice left, and it is my second destiny. My first destiny is to have a good life, because after all I have been through, Damnit, I deserve it.

Good!  That is the right attitude.  But even if your "distractions" were truly to keep you from dealing with your past, you probably choose those activities because you liked them.  I wouldn't abandon everything because you are now thinking that you may have started them for the wrong reason.

[PDQuick]

Workingonit, I appreciate your reply. I already have, in the past, abondoned these things. I may be wrong, but I havent done them in a long time. I may be a little too philosophical, but these pieces have fit the puzzle that is my life. It all makes sense, all questions answered. Hey, you never know, after this dealing, and awhile to heal, I may pick up a drum stick or a guitar, or maybe go to the gym. I expect a rebirth, so to speak, an awakening to a life I never knew existed. On that I can walk through, and enjoy. I have had some really great experiences, that only a few people can say they did. my life has been really full of wonderful experiences. The problem is, that I didnt take time to stand in awe of what I have done and accomplished. Looking back, I should have been speechless, but rather, I was too eager to get onto the next thing. I didnt take time to enjoy my labors, and smell the roses. Im hoping that it will change from here on out.

[TonyC]

ok quick.. first i am very sorry youve been carrying this...with you , i cant say i know what you feel like cause i dont. ,i have tears in my eyes ...i cant take it away from you or i would...please dont be mad at me because sometimes i dont come across well...

you said youve been running for 27 years...maybe its time to stop. running...

your past is out , and guess what your still important to me and many others...your intelligent , caring.. and generally someone i would like to say is my friend... i think nothing less of you for trying to keep it all locked up inside...well its out ., its nothing you did or could control..you were a victim...

i called you from manhattan last night cause you were on my mind ,wanted to see if i could cheer you up...i told oy somethings up with him...and i was right unfortunately...

so maybe its time to let it go...if thats possible... and go foward...

youve done a pretty good job cleaning up your act...a few weeks ago it was huge...with you ex... i admired you for recognizing that situation and you walked away from it a better man...got that quick

walked away...you ..didnt run...,

allot has gonee on with you maybe closure with the ex... was what you needed to see you dont need anymore distractions... youre facing it...

so here we are...all out the open...no reason to hide.

so maybe stop running...your missing the good stuff running...

stop wondering about yesterday please...you cant fix it, cant change it , cant do it over...

i printed you last message , i will re read it thru the day...

and continue to digest it...

your friend

tony

[PDQuick]

I dont know what to say other than Thank you Tony. I needed that more than you will ever know.

[turtle]

PDQuick --

I feel so sad for you right now.  Not for your future, but for your past.  It's so hard to embrace the fact that our pasts make us what we are today - all of our past -- the good, bad and the ugly.  What happened to you is a part of you, but it has no power other than that.  

I'm glad you're going to stop running.  When you turn around and face things, that's when real growth begins -- painful, but true.

And I agree completely with Elph --- GO TO IT MAN!

Turtle

[TonyC]

i meant every thing i said ... go look in the mirror in the bathroom...you knew all this already...you just needed to wipe off the fog

tony

[PDQuick]

The hardest part of this whole ordeal, and why Ive shelved it for so long has been the anticipation of the reaction of my friends when I finally spoke those words. I felt like everyone would view me as some kind of freakshow. I have fashioned my life around the views that others may have had. I have been all too giving, too much of a doormat, too "unworthy" of others love, and friendship. I have stayed away from things that might have brought me into the public light, in case my secret was exposed. I gave up things I wanted because of that fear. I see now, that all of these fears are just that. Fears. Like Gambaru says, the object of fear casts a much bigger shadow than the fear itself.

While on the subject of Gambaru, I have to say this. I would not be here, facing this if it hadnt been for her. I want you all to know just what a truly remarkable person this "LADY" is. She is the sole reason I am facing this fear. She is the first person I have ever divulged this to, and she has guided me through it. I owe alot to her, and want to acknowledge her for the wisdom, and pure, selfless love that she exudes to not only me, but to everyone on this board. I sought her out because of her wisdom, and have not been disappointed with a thing. If it werent for her, my road through this dilema would be a different one indeed. I also want to acknowledge each one of you for giving me the safety and security to let my feelings out. You will never know how much it means to have such wonderful people in my life. If it is possible, and I am sure that it is, I love each and every one of you guys, and Gammy, I love you to so many pieces, it looks like the M&M factory exploded, and it is clean up time.    You, my Lady, are a godsend.

[spamlady]

Running, running, running. Hobby after hobby. Relationship after relationship. Self-destructive activity after self-destructive activity. Distraction after distraction. But still running, running, running. Always running.

Today the running stopped, PD. You know why? Because today you decided not to be a victim any longer. Today you became a survivor, ready to claim the happiness in live that you deserve.

I've been a little concerned over your PDQ exit from Oz. Not to minimize your pain, but it just seemed a little too easy--and with your revelation and explanation, it makes better sense. Making a decision to face your demons is huge. Please don't think it's something you can just do today and be done with tomorrow. There will be some work required to truly deal with this awful stuff and put it behind you for good. So you're getting medication--seeing a doctor? If you're not in therapy, now would be a perfect time to start.

You're a good man, PD, and starting today, you're gonna be even better.

Big hug,

spam

PS: I'm not surprised to hear of Gam's valuable guidance. Her words and their insights always linger with me after I leave the board. (((Gam)))

[johnfl]

Quick,

My Friend!  At times this process is like a road trip makes us turn down roads we wish were never there.  Like you said you've been holding this for so long.  Naturally, facing it and getting through it, takes courage pain.  From what I read from your words, you're at that point where you are ready to do whatever it takes and move forward to claim your destiny (to have a good life, find out who you are, happiness)  And you do deserve it Man! Really do.  I know you and I know your heart. 

Several weeks ago Gary wrote a post about how he had decided that no matter how long it took, he wanted to find out what he was here for, meant to be, what his destiny was, etc (sorry Gary -am paraphrasing)  and that if it took till his last day, he was going to do it.  You are in a similar place.  I know the bluntness of emotion and how dark things seem at times when going through this.  I go through it myself right now.   You are finally letting this out b'c you feel comfortable talking about it finally...and that's great.   

Remember, that you do in fact deserve this..but you also have to retrain the thought process (as you are)  and it takes some time.  Your time is now.  You have so much to offer the world around you, the people around you.  You are a bright spot on this board and in everyone's life.  Believe in you PDQ...and don't worry if it hurts a little along the way. We all go through this sometimes.   

[PDQuick]

Spammy, I am seeing a therapist, have been for 4 or 5 months now. I have kept this hidden from her until just recently. I am going to a med intake Thursday, because I am depressed, and I know I cant do it alone. It wasnt about my ex, and I now know that. But can I stay? I have valuable information, and 13 years experience. Boy, what a thing to be proud of huh?

And I know I have a long way to go, and it will be hard, but better than what I was used to. I hope.

[crystal]

The hardest part of this whole ordeal, and why Ive shelved it for so long has been the anticipation of the reaction of my friends when I finally spoke those words. I felt like everyone would view me as some kind of freakshow. I have fashioned my life around the views that others may have had. I have been all too giving, too much of a doormat, too "unworthy" of others love, and friendship.

PD-  You are courageous beyond words to have shared this. And strong beyond words to have endured it. Here you are among true friends.   We know you are worthy of love and friendship and all the joys of life. I am blessed to have you as a friend. You helped me on my path to trusting the world again--I am forever indebted to you.

You are worth it. We know that. 

You need to come to truly believe you are worth it. And, I think you are truly on that path now--difficult as it is.

(((((PD))))))

Crystal

[johnfl]

And I know I have a long way to go, and it will be hard, but better than what I was used to. I hope.

Keep taking steps in the right direction and one day you will know a happiness that was never there...Right now you are healing...it just doesn't always feel that way! 

[crystal]

PD-- I am still reeling from your post. Had some additional thoughts:

I hope you can go somewhere and just let it all out. Cry until you cant anymore. Grieve the loss of innocence.  Cry for the release that it brings.

When you hold something in like this for so long, it takes on a life of its own. It probably has provided the scaffold of your life. Letting it go, has led to a collapse of life as you knew it--scary, exhausting, disorienting. But now you can rebuild from the very solid foundation that is truly you.  The kind, giving, smart, funny, caring person that we all know and love. Can't wait til you get to know yourself the way we do. 

Crys

[PDQuick]

Can't wait til you get to know yourself the way we do. 

I cant wait to become the person I know I am capable of being. I feel like there is a person inside, just trying to get out, and Ive held him back for years, telling him it isnt his time yet. well now, I cant tell him that anymore. He has waited long enough to emerge. The walls are being torn down. And I promise you guys, this is the last bomb I can drop on you all. Nothing left in the ammunition dump. All secret are out, and the truth will set me free, I can feel it.

And Crys, you also have helped me a great deal behind the scenes, and I am eternally grateful to you as well.

My last fear coming out here...Can I stay as a part of this group? Can this be about BPD and one missaplied case of a BPD relationship? Really, Can I stay?

[elphaba]

You better stay, we need you here...I hope that dumping all of that out here will help you...you are among friends here PD, you should know that by now...

So, stay and continue to share your stories and help others...or I will come down there kick your butt and take you to Alf's tree fort where we will pelt you with water balloons...

[crystal]

Can I stay as a part of this group? Can this be about BPD and one missaplied case of a BPD relationship? Really, Can I stay?

PD--you know we wont let you go. You try and dump us and we will track you down and drag you back here!  

CRystal

[TonyC]

ohhh now your ex didnt exhibit ...any of the criteria for BPD... didnt she call you on her wedding day?, didnt she call you two weeks ago to come home... then never minded you?

well you have become an intricate part of this forum...so your staying...

besides who who help me abuse the newbies...

cant do this alone kimosabbe...(probably tortured that but you get it)

well im done with nightmare... dating a little...ok whatever

but im staying to help people that are having there souls sold to satan...oh i heard mary is working the door at hell...

she was BPD..., and some of your issues are a result of it..period

anyway quick . its out, we still love ya ,

so lets get you straightend out...

tony

[PDQuick]

My ex = N/BPD.

My take on my relationship with her = Distraction.

Feeling that I escaped something in my life without it tearing me to shreds = Priceless

I bet Im the only one here that can say that! LOL!

And yes Kimmosaby- I will stay then, hell who am I kidding, you would have to ban me out of this place!

[garyw]

A piece out of my book, "That Soul Belongs to ME" (why they call us nons):

***************************

The last days of school for a second grader are usually met with

excitement ... visions of 3 months of play and no homework.

I remember not being so excited as these doors opened into the

summer of 55. Mom and Dad would be taking me and 2 sisters to

the farm that mom grew up on for the summer. Another summer where more

secrets would be made and kept. Secrets that should not be made by a

cousin waiting in the hayloft. No second grader should have to

experience secrets like this forced into them by anyone . Especially family ... I must be bad to

have to keep secrets from everyone. What kind of secret is this? What kind of

summer is this for a 2nd grader?

You see ... I must keep these secrets because if I tell my folks

to please not take me to the farm again, they will want to know

why. When I lie, dad will beat me with his belt. Telling the

truth ... these secrets ... are worse than the beatings. So I will keep

these secrets and remain silent about the hay loft. Maybe by next

summer he will have moved away ... he's old enough to by next

year ... maybe he won't be there and there will be no more new

secrets. Please, no more new secrets .. they hurt.

Besides ... this is my mom’s side of the family and I can't make her unhappy. I must always please her ... She's my mom.

Chapter 1 “The Free Time”

When I travel back to the beginning, it seems like I have been alive forever. That I must have lived at least 10 lives anyway.

My first memories are myself in a playpen jabbering “Yay Yay’ to my mom who is in the kitchen doing something.

“Yay Yay” means airplane. I lived about a mile from the airport at Peoria Illinois and the planes fly right over the roof taking off and landing and I want one. Every time I hear one go overhead I holler “Yay Yay” because I want my mom to know I realize what they are. She must have because I have a little “T” shirt that says “I want to be a pilot when I grow up.” There must be a photo in an album somewhere for me to know that. I couldn’t even talk yet , let alone read. My second memory of her is in a grade school lunch room helping fix lunch for the kids while I run up and down the isles of tables. Strange because my mom never has had a job that I know of ever. I have no memory of Dad or two sisters yet, only mom and so far it’s just me and mom in my life.

A year or so later I was just one of the kids running around the neighborhood who wasn’t in school yet.

Mr. Rose and his grandson Stan, across the street provided my next memories and good ones too. He was the old man many neighborhoods had that would take in kids and him and his wife would give them cookies and stuff. One day he made pop corn for me and I laughed my ass off because he forgot to put the lid on the pan and there was popcorn all over the kitchen. Never knew if he did it on purpose just for a laugh or that he really forgot.

His grandson confided in me a plan he had to grab ahold of a plane as it passed over his roof and ride it to the airport.

I saw him on the roof one day trying to jump up and I thought then that maybe he would really be able to do it. That wasn’t his only trick though. There was a holler on the other-side of our houses that seemed like it went on forever and a train track that went through it. He told me he was going to lay down between the tracks and let the train pass over him. I couldn’t sleep that night with excitement of the next day. The train whistles that evening was just a reminder of the brave event to come. It was a secret, but all the kids knew it. We all met down in the holler in the morning as Stan went the rest of the way to the tracks and laid down waiting. Most of the kids huddled together but I remember sitting alone on a large root exposed in the ground from a nearby tree. Then the root moved ... slithered actually. It must have been a real snake I was sitting on. I swear I remember seeing and feeling it move.

The train came and passed and Stan was now standing where the train had been. Maybe just maybe he really did do it. That night ... the kids and I and Stan our hero watched cartoons projected on a sht on the wall of a neighbors garage, eating popcorn and drinking kool - aid provided by the heros grandparents.

Those were good days ... really good days when lightning bugs were there to chase with jars. The rings you made from them were not forever and the world was only 4 blocks long. A porch light meant it’s time to go home and Santa Claus was new and always came through. Losing a tooth meant a quarter or two. Snowmen lived all winter and the reason girls ran away was cuz you chased them with worms.

There seems to be something strange about this time. Like things that only happen then. That certain things only existed then ... like tadpoles. When was the last time you noticed a tadpole in a little pond or a golden brown caterpillar climbing a tree and you gently stroked its hairs. There were naked birds with huge eyes and no feathers that had fallen from their nest and we put them back or brought them home. Screen doors slammed with a sound that meant you were out to play and naps were the biggest obstacle of the day Winter winds never seemed cold and the summers heat never created a sweat.

No one seemed to get hurt in those times and not enough life past for nightmares to grow. Shame was only put on little puppies that peed on floors and spankings were little pats on the butt and belts were only used to keep ones pants up.

There were plenty of dreams... good dreams and warm summer breezes to carry them on... The free days before you kept score or others kept score on you...

and there was always always popcorn.

Ahhhhh , childhood memories.

******************************************

Just to let you know your not alone

[PDQuick]

Thank you Gary. I hold those secrets no more. You are truly one fine man, I cant wait for that cup one day with you.

[csandra]

We love you. (((PDQ)))  Don't stop talking to us.  Let us be there for you as you have been for us.  Took my son 8 yrs to tell us that the same neighbor boy who had molested his sister, also molested him. 

Even more chilling to have been "trusted adult".  Many of us share the same secrets and I have to wonder if it isn't what attracts us to the NPD/BPD... The familiarity of being taken advantage of, used.

Something good will come from this.  Something good already has.  Let your light so shine before others...  We love you. 

[johnfl]

Remember Quick...no matter how hard..we have to keep moving through it (no distractions) It has to be better...and you deserve it.

T

[garyw]

Hi PD.

Once you get into these past events of being molested with your T..You will find out one of two things.

Either it's something that needs revisiting and working through it to an acceptable understanding. Or that you won't have to. That these events did happen but for whatever reasons we somehow shelved them away in a place where they just don't even have an effect on us anymore.

Either way the proper shelf will be found. We may find that it did indeed shape our lives in certian areas and that shaping may hve turned out to be a good thing or again something that needs bent back into a better shape for us. Like myself for example, I guess I find myself protective of kids. That may have stemed from my events or maybe not. If so then it found a good place on the shelf.

My poor self esteme at times may have come from those events...don't know.

My T found that they seem to not bother me..I dont and haven't sat around and obsessed over them ever. So she felt we didnt really need to spend much time on them unless I wanted to.

I'm so happy that you are going to bring them up with your T because then you either way will be done with them and will be able to place these events wherever they belong and be done with it.

The danger in not addressing these things with a T in my opinion is that we can feel that, "OK..this happened to me so the proper responce should be that Im screwed up now because of it." If we leave it at that ,we may be when we dont have to be.

[alf]

PD ((brother)).

Wow, you are a man amongst men.  To share something like that here is heroic.

The cumulative sympathy is palpable.

I am going to babble a little here but am still kind of awestruck at your candor.

I know all us bear burdens of which we are afraid to speak.  So you not only have been an active member of this community but you have been such an unbelievable model by opening up in this way.  I expect the bpdfamily.com to reach new heights because of you.

I hurt for what you have born and wish you all the healing this group can provide.  My wish is that you may feel some release from you pain from having shared this.

Respectfully, Alf

[lennic]

I have read many of your words PDQ and have been touched by many and concerned by some...

Be carefull of the subtle intoxication of validation. It is wonderfull is small measure and it certainly can help level the meanest moments,,but if it becomes the crux of any endeavor it soon shows it's fleeting compass.

I share this with you because I have risen and fallen with this tide,,and I care.

Lenny

[criticalmass06]

Qucik, I love ya . I am proud of you.

you walk the walk and you talk the talk.

Your a real man in my book, and I will walk with on your trail any day of the year.


stay strong, chin up your a true cowboy and I belive in you !


CM

[TonyC]

well quick ...

i am signing off for the day ... i just wanted you to know we are family here...and not one person her that  has spent any time with us had any thing negative to say... or didnt feel your pain...

ok so you have more luggage than most of us...but we all still respect you...and will support you anyway required... and you saw that today...

i read your post ten times today...it  just exudes pain , and maybe some anger...so maybe its time for you to release some of it...

well you will never forget ... but you can learn how to deal with it ... i dont know how thats not my field... but maybe just maybe...

you will stop escaping...your thoughts and move onto something better to think about...

ok ... hey better days are coming and maybe , this could be the last hurdle for a while...

have a good night quick

im doing the hug thing ok...

oh ok () thats it!

tony

[johnfl]

Tony,

Thanks!  You always make me laugh!  And I really need it sometimes! 

[PDQuick]

Tony, () Nuff said! Cool?

I would like to thank you all for your replies to this post. I originally didnt want to disclose what I was dealing with, until I had it under my belt a little, so to speak. It became more than a distant memory, like I said, with the realization that a family that I am friends with was going thru it with their youngest daughter. I talked about it with a trusted friend, and I agreed to tell my therapist. Once I did, with her reaction, and some talking about it, I realized the weight of it, and allowed it into my thought process.

I have been slipping into a depression for awhile, and this little hiccup has greased the surface. So I have a medicine intake on Thursday. This has been scheduled for over a week now. So now I have the tools, I know the problem, and I am doing something about it this time around. I am tired of running and hiding from things, and Im tired of hiding things from myself. Its all out in the open. Im out in the open. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. It is going to be an interesting joust.

I didnt know how all of you would take my ommission. I actually thought it would scare some of you away, and most have stayed, and for that I am eternally greatful. It shows me your strength, character, and true friendship. I do appreciate that. Today was a very emotional day for me. I put myself out on a plank that I didnt know would hold my weight. And all of you ran under it, and shored it up. I greatly admire you all, and I love you dearly for standing by my side as I did this. I told you that I was going to be ok, and with all of you, I will. Just consider me an old softy, but when a big guy named Tony, from New York, with an accent can give me a hug, hell, Its been a wonderful day!

Thank you again for allowing me into your life and heart.

PDQuick

[NewLifeforHGG]

I am sorry you are experiencing depression but I am glad you are addressing it.

Childhood trauma of this magnitude has a long lasting effect. It doesn't go away. It just gets buried under a pile of crap until one day it is impossible to ignore.

Molestation robs the child of their innocence. They learn far to early about good and evil. They learn to be afraid. They learn mixed up ideas about boundaries and their bodies.

I am sure the little boy PD is still crying out to be heard and protected. The little boy experienced horrendous abuse by a trusted person.

The thought of it is heartbreaking. I too had a similar experience and I know I felt better after I dealt with it.

By admitting it here you have released the shame and the secrecy. That man has no more power in your life. You were the victim therefore you have nothing to be ashamed of.

I know you will get through this and heal. You WILL feel again. You will.

[ForeverDad]

As a younger boy, My parents best friend molested me... I was scared to death, and I hated it, and I hated him for it. I locked it away for years, thinking that if I didnt acknowledge it, it didnt happen. If I convinced myself it was no big deal, it wasnt.  I have never, EVER been so wrong in my life. I see it now as plain as day. I havent thought about it until recently, when I found out that the same thing happened to a family, and their daughter that I am close to. A predator entered their lives, much like in my scenario. He made himself friends with the parents, and all the kids, and took advantage of the youngest daughter. I know everyone in that story, to include the worthless piece of sht that did that to her. I hope he rots in jail for what he did. It was being close to that family, and that girl that brought out my demons. I too had that predator. After we left that city, we never heard from him again. So much for being my parents best friend. He didnt want to be friends with my parents, he was a predator! A thief of childrens lives. I hate that son of a butt, and If I could ever find him, I would kill him for what he has done to me.

PDQ, Few traumas are more devastating to a child than to have such childhood trust betrayed and innocence ripped away.  Predator is the perfect word.  When we think of predators, we think of animals.  He was an animal.  Pervert fits too, as well as lots of other foul descriptions.  The sad thing is, if it happened to you, he surely did it to many other boys as well.  Their pattern is that they never stop until others stop them.  I hope some among his other victim(s) out there knew where he was, reported him long ago and had him locked away.

Oh my, writing that just now hit too close to home for me too.  What has my wife been trying to do to me but to send me away on similar but false inflammatory complaints, anything at all if only I then cannot be a father to my son?  After our son was born and I was no longer just a husband but a father too, she increasingly rejected the concept of sharing him.

Thanks for sharing your story.  You will notice over the days and weeks ahead that this was therapeutic for you.

[Oy-vey!]

P,

I am so proud of you for stepping up to the plate and dealing with this long-ago offense to you.  What a horrible thing to carry around all these years.  You could never really bury it - it was always there even though you tried so hard to make it go away. 

I admire you so much for looking yourself in the mirror and deciding to deal with this tragedy.  First things first too.  Talking to your therapist, addressing your depression, taking the steps to heal.  Wow.  You are SO far ahead of so many other people in the world.

I'm glad to be able to call you my friend.  You know how much I care for you (as do all these other fabulous people on bpdfamily.com).  You are a wealthy man, PDQ. 

Hugs and much love.

[PDQuick]

You are a wealthy man, PDQ.

Oy, I have never thought of myself as wealthy, but as I am beginning to see, I have alot more than I ever thought. I have paid attention to the wrong things for too long. I have been driven, but I have never seen the road. I have pushed, but never looked to see what I was pushing, or never really looked back to see where Ive been. I have run through this first half of my life, like it was a marathon. I see now, that I need to walk, and stop every once in a while, and especially when I encounter such good people as those of you here. I need to pay attention to the things that matter, not scream by them, and wonder why they didnt stay.

Here is to good friends, the smell of roses, and realizing that it is not too late to slow the pace, and enjoy the things I have. Thanks, again, to all of you.

[JoannaK]

(((PD)))), I thought I replied to this post, but I guess I did not.  I think it is very good that you are confronting a demon that has obviously haunted you for many years.  This must be a tough one.  Please take care of yourself as you move forward.  My sense is that old problems do not easily go away, even when you can identify the source of those problems.  But confronting this basic blow to your healthy self-developoment is important as you put one foot in front of the other from here on out.

[carolt0604]

Like everyone else, ((((((((((((((((((((giant hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))).  It is amazing how alike we feel.  I wish I could snap my fingers and make it all go away for me and you, but heck we know that isnt happening, so take the meds and keep your chin up as my boss tells me.

[csandra]

Just thought of this.  I have struggled with depression since childhood but never really said anything(later find out my grandma had been hospitalized with depression when my mom was child and even had shock treatment).  I did say something to my OB when pregnant with dau because I had had severe post partum depression with son(again no response from those i had told, never went on meds).

Five years ago...really depressed...decided to tell my MD.  Made appt, it just happened to be Good Friday, gave 30 second spiel that I knew would get me meds.  She said "sounds like you need an antidepressant, not unlike a diabetic needs insulin".  She didn't ask ONE question about my personal life, never referred for counselling.  I had mentally prepared for this for weeks and really had a hard time with the "admitting powerlessness" part.  Anyway, she asks me to get undressed for an exam and she left the room.

I am sitting on the table with nothing on but a paper gown when I hear a loud rumble and I look up and the walls are swaying.  I look out side the window and there are people gathering, pointing up to the building.  People in the halls are all excited.  NO ONE comes to check on ME, the patient !  I'm looking at my clothes, wondering how quickly I could get dressed.

Finally the MD came in, we had had major earthquake.  There were actually a few aftershocks during my exam (ahem).  I remember taking my sample pack and taking my first pill in the parking lot, before driving back to work.  I took meds for several years but the solution was but a temporary one. 

I do remember feeling better just putting the pill in my mouth because it seemed to represent hope.  My new MD had tried to get me to go on antidepressants all year but I keep turning her down.  Actually I'm doing OK and pray that you will soon be feeling better.

[MGMom]

PDQuick, I have not been on this site long, but I can tell that you are VERY LOVED here.  I have no answers, but I do believe in the power of prayer.  I will pray that you can feel the love from all those who care about you and that it feels as real as arms wrapped around you.  You seem to be a truly kind man.  I pray that your joy and flavor return PD quick. 

[PDQuick]

MGM, I do feel the love, and I hope that I can return it to you all one day. It is easy to face certain things knowing I have a wonderful circle of people surrounding me.

Thank you for the prayers, as I can pray for all of you too.

[NewLifeforHGG]

I was just checking in on you to see how you are feeling. I hope a little better if not (((PD))).