OK... TALK ME THROUGH THIS

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Things have been going great for the past 2 weeks...   even though he is leaving... .because we have been civil with each other and even saying the I love you's and the kisses goodbye when we go somewhere... .its been calm.  He had told me he was moving this upcoming weekend... .but today he told me he is supposed to work sat and sun... .I didn't question it... .just said ok... .this was in text messages.

He got home and I was outside getting a tan and my 25 yr old daughter had called me from NJ.  He had been running some errands and was texting me while doing that.  Unusual because lately we have not been texting except maybe once or twice a day.  He was saying that eventually I should be moving to be with him and that at some point if I don't then he will file for divorce.  I knew it would bite me in the ass, but I explained to him in a very nice way that the house I have inherited from my Mom is very special to me and that I don't know if I really would want to move.  Plus I explained that when we married 4 months ago, I took it very seriously that we would be together forever and support each other through everything.  The fact that he would leave the marriage because he doesn't like his job makes me feel truly unstable and I really do want the stability in my life now that I'm in my 40's, so I'm not sure what I will do in the future about moving or the house.

He didn't repond to that text but got home from errands and got ready for work.  I was outside tanning and on the phone with my 25yr old daughter from NJ.  He left for work without so much as a goodbye.  So I texted him and said... .did you leave for work already?  You didn't say goodbye.  His reply was... .well you are on the phone as usual... .you don't need me and I don't like your remarks.  I told him who I was on the phone with and he proclaimed... ." more drama" and then I asked what remarks?  I also said they weren't remarks... .they were how I feel.   You didn't want to say goodbye apparently so that s ok... .I will accept that.

Now I am getting the silent treatment... .

I have not and will not text him for the rest of the day and I know there is no rational explanation for this... .but was hoping someone could share any similar experiences and how they handled it.

[modelc]

Things have been going great for the past 2 weeks...   even though he is leaving... .because we have been civil with each other and even saying the I love you's and the kisses goodbye when we go somewhere... .its been calm.  He had told me he was moving this upcoming weekend... .but today he told me he is supposed to work sat and sun... .I didn't question it... .just said ok... .this was in text messages.

He got home and I was outside getting a tan and my 25 yr old daughter had called me from NJ.  He had been running some errands and was texting me while doing that.  Unusual because lately we have not been texting except maybe once or twice a day.  He was saying that eventually I should be moving to be with him and that at some point if I don't then he will file for divorce.  I knew it would bite me in the ass, but I explained to him in a very nice way that the house I have inherited from my Mom is very special to me and that I don't know if I really would want to move.  Plus I explained that when we married 4 months ago, I took it very seriously that we would be together forever and support each other through everything.  The fact that he would leave the marriage because he doesn't like his job makes me feel truly unstable and I really do want the stability in my life now that I'm in my 40's, so I'm not sure what I will do in the future about moving or the house.

He didn't repond to that text but got home from errands and got ready for work.  I was outside tanning and on the phone with my 25yr old daughter from NJ.  He left for work without so much as a goodbye.  So I texted him and said... .did you leave for work already?  You didn't say goodbye.  His reply was... .well you are on the phone as usual... .you don't need me and I don't like your remarks.  I told him who I was on the phone with and he proclaimed... ." more drama" and then I asked what remarks?  I also said they weren't remarks... .they were how I feel.   You didn't want to say goodbye apparently so that s ok... .I will accept that.

Now I am getting the silent treatment... .

I have not and will not text him for the rest of the day and I know there is no rational explanation for this... .but was hoping someone could share any similar experiences and how they handled it.

[seeking balance]

Can you help me understand what we are talking through?

You are on the leaving board, but in a lot of active communication - I think you would gain some great communication tools from the staying board.

BPD is rooted in abandonment - you pushed the button by saying you were not moving with him; as such, he is distancing himself from you.  I am confused with your behavior as to the push/pull it seems like you are doing with him... .do you want to be with him still?

 

[modelc]

The staying board won't help me because we are ending our marriage and he is leaving this weekend... .my problem is more the detaching and I do well most of the time.  But sometimes with the erratic behavior I need friends and peers to talk to me so that I don't let it upset me or let it get me down.  I like to hear how others have handled similar situations to minimize the damage. 

My situation is slightly different because even though he is leaving... .he is still at the house for a little while and I do what I can to make it as civil as possible.  This is not an I hate you, get the hell out of my house type of thing. 

I'm sorry you don't understand... .but reminders from friends and those having gone through the same things is beneficial.   I'm not quite sure why your confused about MY behavior with the push/pull.  I'm being kind but also honest with him... .I know the Not going with him would be a trigger but I won't lie and say I will move eventually.   And since I posted that... .I received a text from him with .   Seems maybe he has already forgotten that he was mad about my not moving with him.   

I just think that  talking on here helps to keep me sane.

[2010]

I explained to him in a very nice way that the house I have inherited from my Mom is very special to me and that I don't know if I really would want to move.  Plus I explained that when we married 4 months ago, I took it very seriously that we would be together forever and support each other through everything.  The fact that he would leave the marriage because he doesn't like his job makes me feel truly unstable and I really do want the stability in my life now that I'm in my 40's, so I'm not sure what I will do in the future about moving or the house.

The statements above are exactly why you should be on the undecided board. 

[modelc]

Ok... no one is understanding that I am telling him that because if I come right out and say I am NOT moving at anytime... .I will be in for 4 more days of absolute hell and rages.   Along with telling him that I need stability in my life and giving him reasons why I would not feel stable in leaving... while he is here I am being honest and I honestly do not know what I will do in the future as far as the house goes but I'm also not telling him that I will think about moving with him or staying together but I do  NEED TO KEEP THINGS CIVIL

Never mind... .

there is no reason for me to be on an undecided board when we are ending the marriage. 

The statements above were not me being undecided about the marriage.

[123Phoebe]

He had told me he was moving this upcoming weekend... .but today he told me he is supposed to work sat and sun... .I didn't question it... .just said ok... .this was in text messages.

Are you sure he's really moving?

He left for work without so much as a goodbye.  So I texted him and said... .did you leave for work already?  You didn't say goodbye.  His reply was... .well you are on the phone as usual... .you don't need me and I don't like your remarks.  I told him who I was on the phone with and he proclaimed... ." more drama" and then I asked what remarks?  I also said they weren't remarks... .they were how I feel.   You didn't want to say goodbye apparently so that s ok... .I will accept that.

Now I am getting the silent treatment... .

I have not and will not text him for the rest of the day and I know there is no rational explanation for this... .but was hoping someone could share any similar experiences and how they handled it.

What's the big whoop about the silent treatment today if he's going to be gone for good in 4 days? 

This whole thing sounds gamey... .

[modelc]

yes... .he's leaving.  and it wasn't necessarily the silent treatment that was such a big deal... .


Never mind... .

Along with the stress of the BPD relationship and dealing with my next 4 days... .I'm sorry I posted this... .was just looking for a little moral support.  

[2010]

Modelc, I'm sorry that you're feeling unsupported.

we are ending the marriage.

If, after four months of marriage, you've decided to divorce, the options now would involve getting a lawyer. Your lawyer will also discuss the split of your marital assets, including your home- (unless you can have your marriage annulled.)

Since neither of you have filed yet, you will need to file first.  Since he is moving out of your home for good in the next four days, you must stop emotionally texting him about why he left for work without saying goodbye to you.

When a marriage is over, it is best to keep contact to a minimum. That will give you the stability that you desire and allow you to detach from each other. Keeping it civil means minimizing the emotional content of the communication with him. Unfortunately, this means letting each other's lawyers do the communication instead.  Good luck. 

[momtario]

What I am hearing is that you are letting him believe the r/s has a chance until after he is gone for a bit, so that the actual breakup will be slightly less painful, for at least yourself?

I think there is a communication problem on this thread that started with a few ambiguous statements, which implied that you are still emotionally entangled with your stbxBPDh.

2010 has given some great thoughts on how to get yourself on the right track toward emotionally detaching.

You should possibly examine the feelings that you were having when you got upset that he didn't say goodbye, though.

I hope this all works out for you