Im breaking my silence to share and learn.

[PDQuick]

Yes, I have been very silent in the last month. It has happened for a variety of reasons. I have been slammed at work, so that is good, but there have been other things going on as well.

My ex, has decided, once again, that she does want to be married to her husband and has started the usual re-engaging. This time, things are quite a bit different. She is re-engaging someone who is armed with the knowledge that I have learned here, thanks to you folks. She is calling, and knocking on the door of a person who has been going to therapy for 5 months, and is on antidepressants. I am doing this for me, because of me, and not her. She is trying to play upon a persons feelings that has been away from her, studying her disease for 7 months now. I see how this all works, and I can predict it to the next move and emotion.

Now I will be totally honest here. I do still love the imagine in my mind that I think is her. I am still in love with my own illusion of who she is. And for you newbies, it is an illusion, trust me. She still pulls at my heart strings, and can still hurt me, but not like before. I have fielded her calls for the last several weeks, and have seen her a couple times. All in the context of seeing her with my new eyes and seeing if she truly is who I want her to be, or if she is who I know her to be. The first showed up.

She came to me talking of how much she loved me, and how wrong she was to have treated me the way she did. She even went as far as to say that she needed help. It was all blossoms and sunshine. It was everything I wanted to hear and then some. I took it all in cautiously, and waited to see if actions spoke louder than words. Of course, it didnt take long to prove the point. Just when she thought she had me hooked, the actions headed south, and the trouble started again. This time, I was educated, ready, and waiting. I knew exactly what would happen, and just like clockwork, it did. I wont go into details here, but I could have written the play, and she would have taken it line by line.

I have been processing this the entire time. And even, now after, and I can only arrive at one conclusion. I arrive at this without emotion, drama, excitement, or remorse. It is with a calm head, and a beating heart that I will say these things and hopefully one person will get something from it.

There was a time in my life, a long time in my life where I loved her more than myself. I loved a woman that didnt respect me, didnt honor me, didnt stay true to me, and didnt even care about me. I loved her more passionately, because I thought that if I did, she would see the light, and come around. I gave and gave. She took and took. I didnt mind, because I loved her. I wanted her to see what a stand up guy I am, and maybe she will come around, and appreciate me.

There were times that she did, and I didnt realise that the timing coincided with me pulling back out of resentment or anger. She knew how to press my buttons. She knew how to get me back in line, she knew how to lead me in her dance, and I danced divinely. She knew she had the ultimate sucker on line, and she played me like a fine tuned fiddle, all to get what she wanted, and she not one minute thought about what was right and what was good for me.

Then there were the times that I stood up for myself, and she would leave or kick me out, only to be hooked up with someone so very quickly. Was it because she was so desirable? No, it was because she always had a couple of guys in the wings, and also, she had to show me what I was losing by not giving into her. I bit that hook many times, and was reeled back into the boat.

Well now, my lip has healed, and I have had time to watch the waters. I see her husband going through the exact same things I went through, and now I am the one in the wings...except for one thing. This is a public stage, and I now know that I have the right to leave the stage and abandon the performance. And that is all this is. It is a performance in her play of what matters to her. No supporting cast, not directors remarks, just her, changing the script as she sees fit.

I have come to realize that nothing will ever change with her. I am the only one in this situation capable of changing. I can predict her not with so much accuracy, because I have lived the life, and now see the backside that I couldnt when we were together. The dramatic play is complete. I know all the characters, and know how the story unfolds. The people playing the characters will change, and some will trade roles. This woman that I loved was nothing more than a figment of my imagination. I loved the person I wanted her to be. I was blinded by the smoke and mirrors, and all the push pull behavior. Now that I see how it works, there is no mystery, no drama, no trying to understand, but most importantly, no acceptance of it, and no love for it.

She will always be a person manipulating everyone for her wants. She will always be the consistant liar, and thief. She will always be willing to do anything for her desires. She is incapable of love, truth, respect and admiration. She is incapable of being a person, but rather chooses to exist as a shell of emotions, with an underlying intent.

As for the bottom line, I am not fooled by her imagery anymore, nor her false hopes and promises. I am not giving into the person that matched my image of her, and then abrubtly changes into a person I dont know. She has no true personality. She has no true morals and values. She has no beliefs. The only thing she has is desires and wants, and tools in her box to get those things. But the one thing she will never have is me. I finally love myself enough to say no and mean it. I know she will never change, it will never work, and I could never be happy with her. It doesnt really matter what disease, or disorder she has, or if she has one at all. All that matters is that I will never be capable of having her and a happy life. So with that choice, I choose the happy life, or at least the chance at a happy life. I dont hate her, and I dont wish anything bad to come to her. I know that she will never find a person that will give her more chances than I did. It really doesnt matter anyway. What matters is that I loved, I tried, I couldnt make it work, and I moved on. Failure is not failure if you learn something from it. Actions speak louder than words. Two of my new mantras in life.

I will miss her, but not enough to drag myself down anymore. This is what this forum has brought to me, and for that, I am eternally greatful.

[thomaso61]

Hey PDQ! Well put!

There was a time in my life, a long time in my life where I loved her more than myself. I loved a woman that didnt respect me, didnt honor me, didnt stay true to me, and didnt even care about me. I loved her more passionately, because I thought that if I did, she would see the light, and come around. I gave and gave. She took and took. I didnt mind, because I loved her

That's when we lose ourselves!

Also, I just played out the drama of the friend I spoke to you about. I turned her down flat. I posted it in "Oh the drama'

I guess it was my way of "seeing is believeng" sort of speak. maybe, that's why I did what I did. For the same reasons you played out your little drama for closure at last. Good to have you back brother non!

Tom

[garyw]

I understood every single word of that because thats exactly what it is like when you are at making its front door.

At first ya can still feel like tya love them but its so clear that you would never be happy. You know that so well and still have such a memory of the pain that the choice becomes much easier...It just makes common sense dosen't it...something we didn't have for so long.

Thumbs up PD

You just see that there really wasn't any magic to it all this time after all.

[Silas Pseudonym]

Hi PD,

Welcome back.  You have come a long way.

The drama analogy is great.  You are to the point, having cleaned the greasepaint off the collars & glued the plastic gems back on...the magic is gone...because it's just not real.

I'm done too.

Silas

[eastmeetswest]

Hi Mr. Q.

You probably are one of a few in the wings...I am sorry and I can only hope that one day you will no longer give in to the calls at all.  You, too, will runaway from the baying of the hounds. (Talk about taking someone's advice)

Good job PD.

[Oy-vey!]

PDQ,

I am so heartened to see your post.  You have come so far and are now accepting the reality of her and her problems.  Red letter day for you!

You are such a good person with such a big heart and the capacity to make a woman who will appreciate everything you have to offer very very happy.  Unconditionally.

Your path is not as long as it was a month ago.  You've travelled so far and you have gained so much - you got yourself back.

[turtle]

Hey PDQ --

Good to see you back.  We've missed you. Sorry things didn't turn out as you had hoped.

I have come to realize that nothing will ever change with her.

I am not fooled by her imagery anymore, nor her false hopes and promises. I am not giving into the person that matched my image of her, and then abrubtly changes into a person I dont know. She has no true personality. She has no true morals and values. She has no beliefs.

I finally love myself enough to say no and mean it. I know she will never change, it will never work, and I could never be happy with her.

These are very meaninful words PDQuick, filled with conviction.  I hope you stay strong and don't give in to her anymore.  She's truly is poison to your soul and if you allow it, she WILL destroy you.

Turtle

[Her Mama]

I just keep saying wow.  Wow.  WOW.  I know with certainty that your post will touch someone on this board.  It will lift them out of the fog and give them what they need to make positive changes in their own lives.

Reading this gave me chills.  Literally chills.  I am so very proud of you.  You have come so unbelievably far. 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this.  We've missed you but it seems as if you had some pretty powerful experiences while you were gone.  Looks good on ya!

KSM

[kreator737]

Pd, that was one of the most insightful posts I have read. It hit me just at the right time. I haven't seen my ex in over 4 months. Ran into her at work today. Brought up alot of emotions. You put into words exactly what I was feeling.

Thank you.

[beckett34]

greatb great post ! well done

[TonyC]

i backed off contacting you for a while , i gave you room on this pd...when we discussed this weeks ago... i was not going to stop you from finding out what you already knew...hey i hoped it worked , and i found you in commited to staying...but , i knew...

the cycle...


i did not want you to be another part of the cycle...i told you she was cheating on the new husband with you...

as i explained to you she was doing to her new husband what she did to you...

and i meant everyword i said at the time...that will stay between us...

they dont change pd...she would have come back, the girls would have come back... and she at sometime , rear the ugly that left you dead in the road before...

but you had to see this for yourself... and you did , and im glad you learned , we learned together first hand...

we are better than that ... noone will ever hurt us the way they have again...i happy your eyes were wide open this time...

im sure your a little banged up over this...big dissapointment...but i think you were prepared...

she is what she is ... and will remain that way...forever on the roller coaster...

sorry you went thru it again...but you had to see for yourself, she would have destroyed you this time...

welcome back ...kimosabeee...

love

tony

ps i have been getting in allot of trouble around here lately while your

off , finding your self...are you going on another sabatical...or are you gonna work with me here?

[Cyndi]

Avast there Matey!

Out pillaging and plundering again I see?  Sometimes that's what you have to do, before you come home.

For months I lamented the fact that i was never re-engagemented.  The fact that I was so casually tossed aside with nary another thought, just hurt me down to the BONE.  I envied those of you who got the re-engagements.  At least you weren't completely abandoned and forgotten.  It is a pain like no other.

But now I see it's like a fork in the road out of OZ.  Mine was pretty straightforward and clear.  Didn't need a map to find my way out, it was all layed out for me.  The road out filled with re-engagements are long and winding, and filled with dangers!  A far more difficult road, I dare say.  One with trap doors that lead you right back to where you started.  Long and tedious, but hopefully in the end, we will still wind up in the same place..out of Oz for good. 

Sometimes we get to choose the road out, and sometimes we don't.  It doesn't matter as long as we learn what we need to along the way.  Some lessons in life take longer to learn than others.  The important thing is that they are learned.

I am glad you are finding your way out PD, miss seeing you here, but I understand.

Hopefully I will see you on the other side.   Eventually!

((((PDQ))))))

ps.   It's very nice here in Kansas,  Clear skies...fresh air...freedom...and lots and lots of hope.

[Peace4us]

My dearest P

I am so sorry you had to climb back into the pit again in order to climb right back out to see the light again.  I hope this learning and  clearer understanding allows you to finally get some muscle memory so that the knee jerk reaction is not once again to look harder but to run away faster.

I know you heart is pure and your resolve is honest and truthful. I know you want that image of love and companionship and relationship you have held on to for so long. Don't give up on that dream, just give up on that dream happneing wth her. YOU are a terrific gem of a man and once you free up your heart and soul from this dead end chase, the energy you emit will begin to give the right signals to those who can then see you.  TRUST me.


I'm so glad you shared this with us. Welcome back

Peace4us

[csandra]

PDQ,

I get chills reading Tony and CIndy's posts.  I ditto what they say.  It's a miracle that we find such support in front of a 17(?) inch screen.  It's no coincidence that we are all here for each other.  You are meant to have a better life, one with joy.

I have no doubt that there are some sweet memories with this woman.  I guess none of us were in a place to fully know what we wanted, let alone that we weren't getting it.  You were so young when you met her, now you have grown beyond what she could ever offer. 

Glad you are back to take the heat off of Tony for a while.  (((PDQ)))

[johnhoffman]

pd..im sitting here in a public library in the uk on a glorious summers day...your writing is both eloquent and insightfull and a real tonic to me...so much so that im gonna go get my fishing gear out and try out my luck on the river...thanks a million

john

[Cyndi]

It's so true csandra, I don't think it is a coincidence at all.

And not to get too deep but, I think God does give us challenges in life.  Opportunities to change and grow.  It's all good.

Think about it, during the whole ordeal we were forced to change, to look inward, to make changes for ourselves and sometimes for our kids.  We came out smarter, stronger, and hopefully better people.  Think how easy a relationship with a normal person will be.  Those little things that bothered you in the past will pale in comparison to what you have allowed yourself to endure in this one.

People who have survived a relationship with a BPD or BPD/NPD will always come out on top.

They have not changed at all or will they.  They will remain forever what they are.

We on the other hand have been changed profoundly.

[elphaba]

PD,

And from out of the poppy fields he comes...you've had quite a journey my friend and you have learned so much in these last few months, come so far, been real with yourself...which is a hard thing to do sometimes, really hard.

I know the disapointment and heartache that is behind your words, but, there is also true healing going on as well...

Your post shows just a glimpse into the heart and soul of a great man capable of great things...

much love to you...

- Elphie

[KaiserSoce]

Good to see you back PD.

Sorry to hear of the experiences you've had during your absence - but at the same time, I'm happy to hear of your newfound strength and perspective. 

There is definitely something empowering about being educated on this whole disease.  It makes it possible to look at the whole situation/interaction from a different perspective.  It's like you said, in being almost like a play that we could write the lines for.   At this point, we're so well rehearsed on how they're going to act and what they're going to say (because, apparently they ALL seem to read from the same 'how to be a BPD' manual) that we can almost literally finish their sentences for them.

It's both very sad and empowering at the same time. 

We still feel love for them.  But at the same time, we also feel pity.  :'(

In the same way that you pity an addict that you know you can do NOTHING for.  Because addicts, like BPD-people have one very glaring thing in common:  the only person who can help them is themselves.  And even then, the help they can give themselves is marginal at best.

Welcome back.  Good to see you again. 

-KS.

[lynn167bluelime]

I absolutely felt every word of this post. Bravo to you! I hope to one day be where you are and be able to face reality with all the wool pulled off of my eyes.

Lynn

[JoannaK]

Hi PDQ...

I'm glad to see you posting this latest.  I'm sorry that it turned out as it did, but I'm not surprised...

But your description of the whole process and your growth through the pain of the situation was absolutely, painfully beautiful. 

Please be strong...   Good luck to you, PDQ.

[sandy]

HI PDQ Your story is many of our stories. It brought tears to my eyes to read it. Actually read it twice. We have all been there done that, and don't wanna do that anymore. I for one have taken my crayons and toys, packed em up and gone home.

Keep posting, your posts are heartwarming, funny and insightful. Thanks for that.

Sandy

[Pinnacle]

All I can say is--- thanks PDQ.  You are wonderful!

Puddin

[PDQuick]

Thank you all for your support. It is a process, and I had to do this once more to prove to myself that it is what it is. And it was. It is a shame how this disorder infects all of those people afflicted with it, and those who love them. Truth is, there is something inside us nons that cant see the real situation in front of us, and we choose to see only the good. It is something I have to work on. This disorder affected me because of me, not her. It was me that fell for the crap moreso than her for pulling it. It was me that forgave all of her actions, and read something more into them. It was me that put up with all of the abuse.

I feel like a kickball sometimes. I just stayed there and let her kick me. I knew she was going to do it, but I just stayed there. And even more dimented, I loved her for it. Now if that kickball had a brain and legs, who is the more sane one in that situation? The person doing the kicking, or the ball for not getting up and walking away? Both are predictable. One kicks, and one gets kicked. So who is the one being hurt? Why doesnt he just walk away? I have found my legs and my brain, and I am not going to be kicked anymore. It is all about me now, not her. I know now that I have a choice, and I have made it. I will miss my play friend, but I will find someone, someday who loves this kickball, and will play nice. Someone who doesnt want to see how much kicking I can stand before I loose all my air and once Im deflated, will just go find another ball to kick around.

[Jewls]

Mr. Quick, thanks for this post.  You put into words some of the emotions that have been going around in my head the past few weeks.  I couldn't put my finger on what I was feeling, there were just too many jumbled thoughts...

I missed you and am glad you're back!  It's just not the same without you around here!

HUGS!

Jewls

[TonyC]

this disorder is so predictible isnt it quick...

i knew what she was gonna do... becuase im on the outside looking in...

kinda like when you watch a football game...

i was the announcer up in the booth... seeing the whole field

you were the quarterback... ... i could see the blitz... you couldnt see it coming...

sorry it wasnt what you had hoped for...but glad you saw it now , instead of a huge dissapointment... later...

i had hoped ... maybe something had changed...for you and her..

and awakening...i really hoped...

tony

[Peace4us]

PDQ

You are so much more than a kickball. You are a crystal ball with immense power and light, you are a simple globe of complexity and sensitivity. You are an orb of great depth, compassion and generosity.  You are a sphere of growth, determination, strength and commitment. AND like the never ending circle of life, you are constant, true and beautiful as you are.

When the light shines thru you, you refract that energy and share it to many in so many colours. Your gifts have not even completely been exposed, but the essence of you is vivid.

Begin to open your eyes to all you are and change that language that starts with all I am is...




Peace

[eastmeetswest]

P did,

I am hoping you don't fall back into this pattern again, and again.  My friend, this dance with her has got to end.  You need to stay on the wagon.  That is why I bring up an AA type buddy, again.  Maybe Tony could be it?  Instead of calling her, get in touch with your BPD buddy and talk or pm with them till you are plum wore out.  You can not start up with her ever again.  She is married.  If we went back and looked at old posts we would see much of the same lingo and bi-line.  That's what worries me.  What's the harm - set up with one and if you never need the help then cool but if you do then great.  Based on the past, please do this for me.  Really...alright, like I mean it.  please.

[TonyC]

pd and i were in contact...

but everyone needs what they need to do...

pd went in eyes open , loaded with knowledge...not the naive non he used to be...

maybe this was the closure he needed...

he will have to answer that for himself...

tony

[CharlyB]

Quickster, you've come a long way baby.

See how much better things go when you have the right emotional tools in your box?

I think your post was very eloquent and will be very helpful to others.

Bless you darlin', you deserve a happy life.

Get out there and grab some gusto.

[NewLifeforHGG]

PD...Oh PDQ... :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*

I know when you go missing you are usually working something out. I am so glad to read that you are stronger and making your way out of Oz.

Once you see it there is no going back. The games just don't work anymore. You will never be able to see her as you once did. You know too much now.

[PDQuick]

I havent gone looking for her to come back. In fact, I have been NC in the past. She will start calling, and the frequency will increase. I know she is a married woman, and I have not pursued her. This latest attempt seemed to be legitimate, and I decided to let it play out, without emotional involvement, just to see what would happen. And it went exactly as I predicted. Further punching that proverbial nail down even further. Further increasing my resolve about who she really is, not who I wanted her to be.

I am not sorry for this latest round of BS, simply because I knew it would happen, and I have taken away a lot from it. I cant speak for all B/NPD's, but this one will never change, no matter what. I see her so clearly now. Its funny how you can live with someone 13 years, and never really know the real person you live with. I had some serious blinders on. I hid her true persona from myself, because I was so in love with the illusion of being in love. I wanted someone to love so badly that I, as a sheep, let a wolf into my life, my home, and my bed. And I really wondered for a long time why I had been bitten, almost consumed. I played the victim, and I played it well. Oh poor me, how could anyone do this to me, I love her so much. The truth is that she had nothing to do with this whole situation. At least she was being true to herself. I have to give her that. She was, and is, what she always has been. The only thing changing here is my perception. I have thrown down the victim persona, and have started owning my own mistakes, misfortunes, and misperceptions. It was my need to be loved, and to love that perpetuated this whole thing for 13 years. I was, and still am the damaged one. And that is ok. I can, and am changing that. The first step towards any solution is understanding what has to change and what needs to be done.

So with this, I entered into this last re-engagement as final proof that I am the one, and she is not. She acted exactly as I knew she would. She is very consistant in that department. The inconsistancy that went on this time is that I didnt get emotionally attatched to her or the situation. I understood that this is not what I wanted, and needed. It was more like the final experament in a long stream of them to finally prove my theory, and it did. The dance continued for all of those years because of my neediness, my list of dysfunctions, and again, that is ok. A mistake is only a mistake if you learn nothing from it. I have learned volumes about myself, and the journey will continue. Again, its funny how you can live with yourself for 36 years, and not know the true person deep inside. We all have the capacity and capability to hide things from ourselves. I am a perfect example of that. 8 months ago, I was a lost soul, so in love, so heartbroken, and wanting her to realize that I am the man for her. Now, I realize that I never really loved her, I loved how she made me feel on occasion, and I loved the thought of being in love. I am not heartbroken anymore, yet I am almost thankful to her for opening up my eyes and letting me see the real me inside.And now, instead of wanting her to see that I am the man for her, I realize that she is not the woman for me, and thank god that at least during the 13 years of our relationship, I never married her, and never had a child born into this dysfunctionship.

Please dont think I was offended by anyones post, I just figured I would write this down, so hopefully someone that is coming up the same road I have come up can see what I have gone through. I know this isnt the last dealing with her, after all I do know her so well. I will talk to her again, and thats ok, because I know who and how she is now. She can only hurt me if I let her, and to let her would mean that I would have to forget all that I have learned, and as painful as it was to learn, I dont think I will ever forget. Besides, it isnt about her anymore, it is about me, and to be totally honest, thats all that matters. I am finally back in control of my own destiny, and it feels good. It is scary, but it has to be done for my happiness, and I am focused on that. I am focused on me. Again, not her. She is just a learning curve in my lifes education.

[csandra]

WOW and thanks.  I could have written that word for word if only my mind would slow down and clear out the dust.  I like it that you don't belittle her. 

Yeah , the focus has to be on us.  Though we could certainly survive on bitterness and resentment we would only be keeping a place for them in our hearts.  As long as I keep a place in my heart for my stbx, it takes up too much room from myself and anyone else.

[Jewls]

csandra, I think Mr. Quick's post rings true for many of us. 

Eureka!

You said what I've been trying to find the words for (again) and that, my dear PDQ, I thank you for once again.

Jewls

[methinkso]

Pdq,

And you know what is so great about this, even though it is painful?

You can never go BACK. You can never unlearn, unfeels ~ and be back where you 'were'.

It's growth.

You sound so strong, and that strength will continue to grow and you will be free!

Painful though it was/is, I am happy for you.

Mts

[blondie]

PDQ,

Yours are some of the best posts on recovery I have ever read. You have put the words down in a special way, there is the honesty, the recognition, then the test by fire of your progress. And your knowledge now. That can never be taken away from you. Wow, just wow!

Welcome, my friend. Welcome to the place you really are on the outside looking foreward to only your own future. There is still some scar tissue in the heart and mind, but that's the easier part. It heals pretty much on its own, and isnt nearly as painful.

Pat

[TonyC]

pd i needed a drink tonight cause ive had a rough couple of days...

but came home ...just wanted to tell you

you did great...

you recognized... with your brain...

now you have closure...

tony

[bewildered2]

pdq,

sounds like you looked down and noticed the ruby slippers you were wearing.

your posts are truly inspirational.

i guess you've earned your citizenship badge for kansas now. hope to see you there soon enough.

congratulations and well done,

b2

[free]

What an amazing post! Thanks...you give hope to those of us who are still struggling with stay/leave. You are so clear and that's what is possible..

[Pennywise]

Pick yourself up and brush your round a$$ off ('cause you're a ball, right?) and keep on walking with your head held up and don't look back this time.   

Someday a good woman will come along who won't be just an illusion.  She'll be as real as you.

Like you said, "...she is just a learning curve in my lifes education..."

And if I could offer the ever wise words of my father "...sh!t happens, life moves on..."

((smile))

[NHBeachBum]

PDQ,

It must have been in a weird kinda way sort of cool to just get that closure knowing what the outcome would be & seeing it happen yet being in control to not get hurt. Like watching a movie where you already know the ending but seeing it again - pretending to watch it all over again.

Guess it's like driving over a cliff knowing the outcome is going to be bad. Yet maybe if I somehow change cars & slowly watch her try to drive it over the cliff one more time...hmmmm...oh wait! Shocking - another bad ending. Same outcome!

Way to go dude. Not only did you figure her out, you were also able to slowly watch her self-destruct one more time (just to make sure) on your own terms! Nice. Stick a fork in your exBPDw - she's now done! Great job - thanks for sharing with everyone.

-NHBB

[thomaso61]

My hat's off to you PDQ! great post! 

Sincerely,

Tom

[Silas Pseudonym]

PD, Tom...

Thanks, I really needed the Full Monty visual this morning.  Hats off boys!

Silas