1.07 | Boundaries and Values
ELF:
What do you do when your BPD expects you to 'comfort' them about each and every one of of their constant emotional 'needs'. I was told I wasn't being 'loving' when I didn't want to go over and 'poor baby' him every time he was upset or when it was over something that happened long ago (even times when I did do something and had apologized and made amends and never did it again-I had to forever and ever hear about it and 'comfort' him-he was big on 'comforting' him). How do you word your boundary over this issue so that it sounds reasonable and caring but so that he isn't sucking you dry?
Turil:
Quote from: ELF on October 08, 2007, 01:26:57 PM
What do you do when your BPD expects you to 'comfort' them about each and every one of of their constant emotional 'needs'. ... .How do you word your boundary over this issue so that it sounds reasonable and caring but so that he isn't sucking you dry?
I think what you are saying is that your the interdependent value, or "couples value" is not one you both agree on - is that correct? Boundary enforcement is only going to make matter worse in this case.
What has worked for me, both when used on me, and when I use it on others, is to say something like: "I'm really sorry. I wish I could do that, but I'm in kind of a bad place right now and can't do it. I love you, and I hope I can help you get what you need later on."
It conveys the respect you have for them and for you. It acknowledges and validates their request, lets them know that you care, and gives them that absolutely crucial bit of hope that they need to believe that they aren't the worthless pieces of crap that they think they are. And you aren't offering them too many details about your own feelings, for them to start twisting around.
Also, the absolute worse thing to do with someone who is suffering from BPD is to threaten (even calmly) that you are going to leave them. Fear of abandonment is the crux of the problem, and fulfilling their worst fears is only going to make them worse. I learned this the extremely hard way! :-)
I find what works very well for me and my husband is basic relationship negotiation, it seems to be much more successful, and seems to be more of an "adult" way of relating to people.
When I start treating my husband like a kid (in his eyes at least), he starts acting more like a kid, and that's the opposite effect that I'm shooting for. :-)
-Turil
JoannaK:
A key to values/ boundaries is knowing your inner self: your beliefs, desires, needs, and intuitions. When you know your inner self, it will become nearly impossible for someone else to manipulate you. None of us who were hurt by our borderline in adult relationships had healthy boundaries in place.
According to Charles Whittfield M.D, healthy value boundaries are NOT:
1. Set for us by others
2. Hurtful or harmful
3. Controlling or manipulative
4. Invasive or dominating
5. Rigid and immovable
healthy value boundaries ARE:
1. present
2. appropriate
3. clear
4. firm
5. protective
6. flexible
7. receptive.
8. determined by US
Boundaries and Relationships by Charles Whittfield, M.D
elphaba:
The purpose of communicating values boundaries is to protect and take care of our core values. A first step is starting to know that we have a right to have values. That we have not only the right, but the duty, to take this responsibility. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us.
The process of Recovery teaches us how to take down the walls and protect ourselves in healthy ways - by learning what healthy boundaries are, how to set them, and how to defend them. It teaches us to be discerning in our choices, to ask for what we need, and to be assertive and Loving in meeting our own needs. ~ Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney
We need to be aware of what healthy behavior and acceptable values look like before we can defend boundaries and encourage the proper treatment from others. We need to start learning how to be emotionally honest with ourselves, how to start owing our feelings, and how to communicate in a direct and honest manner. Setting personal values is vital part of healthy relationships - which are not possible without communication.
Learning how to defend boundaries is also a vital part of learning to own our self, of learning to respect ourselves, of learning to love ourselves. If we never have to define a boundary, then we will never get in touch with who we really are - will never escape the enmeshment of codependence and learn to define ourselves as separate in a healthy way.
Line in the sand When I first encountered the concept of boundary enforcement, I thought of them as lines that I would draw in the sand - and if you stepped across them I would shoot you (figuratively speaking.) I had this image of some place like the Alamo - from a movie I guess - where a sword was used to draw a line in the sand, and then those that were going to stay and fight to the death stepped across it. I thought that boundaries had to be rigid and final and somehow kind of fatal.
Some values / boundaries are rigid - and need to be - core vales such as respectfulness even when disagreement and disappointment arises. No one deserves to be treated abusively. We all should treat each other with respect and and dignity and we deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.
Our abuse towards others Often if we do not respect ourselves, we will end up exhibiting abusive behavior towards people. On some level in our codependence, we are more comfortable with abusing and being abused (because it is what we have always known) than being treated in a loving way.
Communicate boundaries constructively Learning to communicate boundaries constructively is vital to learning to love our self, and to communicating to other's that we have worth. Communicating a boundary is not making a threat - it is communicating clearly the value and what is and is not inclded.
Communicating a boundary is not an attempt to control the other person (although some of the people who you set boundaries with will certainly accuse you of that - just as some will interpret it as a threat) - it is a part of the process of defining ourselves and what is acceptable to us. It is a major step in taking what control we can of how we treat and allow others to treat us. It is a vital step in taking responsibility for our self and our life.
Communicating boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation - although some people will say they are setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is: when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome.
We need to own all of our choices Sometimes when there are ongoing boundary problems it is because we made a bad choice somewhere along the line. Now we want the other person to change their behavior to resolve our bad choice. We hope they will. But we need to own all of our choices in order to empower ourselves to take responsibility for our lives and stop setting ourselves up to be a victim. One of our choices is resolve or bad choice. We can leave a marriage. We can end a friendship. We can leave a job. We do not have to have any contact with our family of origin. It is vitally important to own all of our choices.
If we do not own that we have a choice to leave an abusive relationship - then we are not making a choice to stay in the relationship. Any time we do not own our choices, we are empowering victimization. We will then blame the other person, and/or blame ourselves. It is a vital part of the process of learning to love ourselves, and taking responsibility for being a co-creator in our life, to own all of our choices.
sweetpea:
what i find very interesting when is that because i am such an open and honest person who gives of myself and tries to get along, people sometimes get offended when i do enforce a boundary. they take it personally.
why do people have a difficult time with the word "no?" why do they get bent out of shape when you express your needs and wants that might not be the same as theirs?
Quote from: elphaba on February 12, 2008, 07:08:11 AM
The purpose of communicating values boundaries is to protect and take care of our core values. A first step is starting to know that we have a right to have values. That we have not only the right, but the duty, to take this responsibility. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us.
what do you do when you communicate and nonverbally demonstrate your boundaries, but the other person lashes out with over the top, unwarranted anger and nastiness? i'm finding that people take so much personally today that it's like walking in a minefield... .you never know when someone is going to explode all over you with their verbal diarrhea.
i agree 110% that we all deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. when i'm not, i express it in hopes that the message is received, but if not, i'm out and can't be bothered with that person anymore.
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page