Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 02:51:20 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Things we can't ignore
What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship
Why We Struggle in Our Relationships
Is Your Relationship Breaking Down?
Codependency and Codependent Relationships
93
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Been reading some more lessons again... splitting  (Read 461 times)
byfaith
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 568


« on: August 04, 2015, 02:57:36 PM »



splitting borderlines need a person who is a constant, continuing, emphatic force in their lives; someone who can listen and handle being the target of intense rage and idealization while concurrently defining limits and boundaries with firmness and candor. Borderlines require someone who can provide them with the necessary experience of being understood and accepted, and who will not be overwhelmed by their needs, fears and anxieties.

I pulled this out of the lesson to post here because last night when my wife was telling me how much she disrespected me for something... .she said I NEED someone I can respect. I NEED that. The more I go back and read this (some of it for the first time) I think to myself. Can I do this for the rest of my life.

The other day she said something to the effect that she needs someone to push her, but when I "push" her I experience the anger and the detachment.

It's like someone saying I am not going to feed myself (when they are capable). I expect you to feed me but when they are starving because they have not eaten they will blame you.

I am scared that my personal limitations cannot handle what is in bold for a much longer period of time. I am trying
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #1 on: August 04, 2015, 03:09:05 PM »

I think you need to be able to distinguish between what your wife may say she needs or wants, and what you feel is the best thing to do for you and her. She can scream that she needs someone to push her, but that isn't necessarily something you should do or want to do.



It's like someone saying I am not going to feed myself (when they are capable). I expect you to feed me but when they are starving because they have not eaten they will blame you.

Yes, but can you stand firm in your boundaries while someone says this to you, and do ( with love) what you think is the best thing for them? If you keep feeding your kid with a spoon, will they ever learn to do this themselves? First you put the food in front of them, give them a spoon. They will make a mess, most of it will end up somewhere else but their mouth- their face, hair, the floor, but... .they will learn to do this if you let them and you can tolerate the mess and frustration.

A mopey teenager screams " I love this, I NEED this, and I HATE YOU" when you tell her she can't have a new cell phone. What do you do?

What your wife may need is for you to stay calm in her storm, let her scream I NEED WHATEVER and then, with love, do what you think is the best thing to do, and it may not be what she says she needs.
Logged
ptilda
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 243


« Reply #2 on: August 06, 2015, 08:46:36 AM »

A helpful piece of advice I picked up from the "Eggshells" book is the idea of saying something along the lines of: "You are a whole person and I want to see you embrace yourself and learn to care for yourself [physically, emotionally, whatever] so that your happiness is not dependent on anyone else."

What I said to my husband was: "The way I see things, you need to step in here and help yourself. You can choose to keep thinking these things about me, or you can choose to try to accept my apology, and see where we can go from here. I can't do it for you. Maybe with my support you can do it for yourself."

The idea that the BP has to take responsibility, but assurance that us nons will support them?
Logged
MaroonLiquid
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1294


« Reply #3 on: August 06, 2015, 08:52:57 AM »

Maybe with my support you can do it for yourself."

One thing I would change about this part is, "It's not easy, but I support you and you can do this."  That's a little more empathetic.  Changing isn't always easy.  make sense?
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!