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THE PSYCHOLOGY OF PERSONALITY DISORDERS
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Author Topic: BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection  (Read 70037 times)
Pou
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« Reply #70 on: August 04, 2014, 04:57:56 PM »

I think I have responded to this earlier.. but due to this is such an important topic, I will add my own experience (2cents) some more ...  A little bit about my background, my wife is NPD (narcissistic Personality disorder)… and if you want to learn more about my ordeals, you can search my previous posts, so I won't repeat them here.  I didn't know what PD was until 6 years ago.  My wife had some initial traits, but it is different then the overt one until my first daughter was born and her mother moved into town.  Once I figure out what PD was all about, I  have experienced the most horrifying existence since and coping with it … to make it matter worse, I realize her mother is also a PD, kind in between BPD and NPD.  Very self centered, and constantly talk about how she is smarter than everyone and constantly talk how everything she does is better than everyone else and if you shall tell her a better way, instead of thanking you, she will stab you in the back many times over and hate the fact that you actually came up a better way.  The difference between my wife and her mother is that my wife holds most of her thoughts in … she demonstrates her superiority by simply demeans everything that I do and that includes alienating my family … she can not accept that my family can be good to us and to my kids, if they do anything good for us, she starts to make up things … ok, so here is where "projection" comes in …. my NPD-w has many times accused of me, my mother and my side of family doing something that just never ever happen … at first, I was very confused by her accusations.  She went as far as making things up to block my family visiting us and when my dad passed away she used made excuses as why she would not lend a support to my grieving and block my kids and her self from seeing my father for the last couple times before he died.  I realize that many things that she is practicing has to do with her mother .. and together they seem to co-project, which is a strange thing.  My mom notice how my wife acts belligerent with her (my mom doesn't speak English, so my wife calls her a racist for not learning English … go figure that one out.  My mom came here in her late 50s… and we didn't plan on coming here until my uncle essentially pulled us here).  I notice that her mother kind put thoughts into her and most her mother's thoughts are simply "crazy" … and I notice my NPD-w started to transform as she talked to her mom more and more .. and they also have conflicts with each other .. a few times when they cut off seeing each other, but that didn't make my wife's NPD behavior better…  and so the "projection" part can be indecent of another … and also the PD behaviors.  I honestly think that PDs can control themselves … I believe that they don't because they can get away with them.  In a way, I kind of see them as sociopaths… because a normal person will be able to say, this is wrong, so I won't do it.  A PD would say .. hey, if I can get away with something bad, I will do it and get away with it.  They know they can "project" and hurt the people who love them and easily get away with them… so they sociopathically exercise that control.  This is my year 7 of experiencing full fledged PD … I am still taking notes… but like to share what I know today….  
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workinprogress
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« Reply #71 on: August 08, 2014, 04:26:37 PM »

I always wondered if projection wasn't the guilt of what they were doing, eating at them until they accused us of the same things they were doing.

I am realizing what a mess I am in now with my marriage.  The red flags were there though.

When we dated through the first 5 or 6 years of marriage she endlessly accused me of cheating on her.

She always told me that I didn't love her.  When, the fact was, all I did was work and the rest of my free time was consumed by her.  I did everything I could to she her my love.  Everything I did was just proof that I didn't love her, according to her.

She would get insanely jealous about everyone I talked to.  She would spy on my phone calls, look at my phone bill when we dated, and snoop through everything I had.  Yet, if she did something or said something sexual to another guy and it bothered me, then I was the "jealous" one.

The gaslighting is what really gets me.  She has said stuff to me for years then suddenly deny ever saying them.  What are you supposed to do?

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Pou
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« Reply #72 on: August 11, 2014, 10:41:27 AM »

I always wondered if projection wasn't the guilt of what they were doing, eating at them until they accused us of the same things they were doing.

I am realizing what a mess I am in now with my marriage.  The red flags were there though.

When we dated through the first 5 or 6 years of marriage she endlessly accused me of cheating on her.

She always told me that I didn't love her.  When, the fact was, all I did was work and the rest of my free time was consumed by her.  I did everything I could to she her my love.  Everything I did was just proof that I didn't love her, according to her.

She would get insanely jealous about everyone I talked to.  She would spy on my phone calls, look at my phone bill when we dated, and snoop through everything I had.  Yet, if she did something or said something sexual to another guy and it bothered me, then I was the "jealous" one.

The gaslighting is what really gets me.  She has said stuff to me for years then suddenly deny ever saying them.  What are you supposed to do?

Workinpress...   from experience, I am in it to make sure my kids are "clear" and make sure when mom's is "projecting", "gaslighting" ... I will be firm about the reality and so their little brains don't go haywire thinking why would someone who they look up to would be turning their world upside down.  My mother-in-law gaslighting a lot and I didn't know what it was.. so I thought she just forgot.  After years knowing her and now my wife has full blown NPD... I realize they both have PDs.  My advice to you is to look at your wife's family history.  My conclusion for having to deal with PD for a decade and more is that if there is a family history, it will be virtually impossible to turn it around.  I and my family have bent over backwards to please my wife and her mother, but my wife (and probably from her PD mom that conspires) and keep inventing things that just didn't happen and has no boundary.  My wife is rude to my 80 years old mom and talk bad things (made up) in front of my kids and then proceed to make up things that I never done to her mom and accuse me of such so she can justify why she hates my mother in front my kids.  I realize that even if we get a divorce, she will put "crazy" stuff in my kids' heads and they will surely grow up to be PDs.  So I am in it to make sure that I provide clarity to their lives ... as best I can.  My wife has already projecting on my kids.  For example, my daughter would spend hours reading and instead of encouraging her, whenever my wife wants her to read (more of a control thing), she starts to accuse her of not reading.  So I have to jump in (risking my sanity, knowing she may turn it against me) and insert my observations that she has done readings and she loves to read.  From what I heard and talked to many parents, it seems that "controlling moms" and "tiger moms" in my opinion are just a bunch PDs.  Kids come with great gifts and are selfmotivated if you steer them to their interests and make sure they are rewarded properly.  It seems my wife is more interested in what makes herself happy.. projecting to kids and doesn't really care about understanding their needs..more fullfiling her own childhood insufficiencies.  Be honest with you, be with a PD is really a waste of life.  I feel no way out especially now my priority is to ensure my kids are ok.  I want you to understand that PDs are not 100% destructive to kids, it is that 20% of "projection" "gaslighting" and constant jealousy about anything ... really screw up kids' development.  So they can all appear to be functional, but really unhappy inside.  I just want my kids to be healthy and happy and know they are able to grow with love from everyone.  My NPD wife actively block my family and I don't do the same from her family because I want my kids to be loved from everyone.. and yet, she projects and gaslights and accuse me of doing so.  It is a constant battle and it never ends.  Good luck to all of us nons.

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Linda Maria
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« Reply #73 on: September 02, 2014, 11:33:12 AM »

The projection aspect is very interesting.  Over the last 18 months my uBPDsis has lied and accused me of all manner of nasty things.   A lot of them make no sense.  But I quite quickly saw a pattern - if she was accusing me of something - it seemed quite likely to me that she was the one guilty of it, as otherwise, who would even think of these things?  And this has turned out to be the case so many times!  She has accused me of all sorts of slanderous things relating to my Mum's estate - and also solicitors - saying they have paid me money they shouldn't (not true - we have received exactly the same), saying they have paid me expenses (not true - I have never claimed any), that I hate her (not true, even now, and I have never in my life said this, though she clearly hates me with a vengeance).  so every time now there is an accusation against me that is possible - though untrue, I assume that she is doing this thing, stupidly flagging it up by accusing me of it, then hey presto - I do some digging and guess what I find!  She is doing the very thing!  She can't actually get away with much of it, because we are in a clear cut legal situation, so she can't actually do me out of too much money, etc. but goodness me has she tried!  so tiring!  JB
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« Reply #74 on: November 09, 2014, 01:22:03 AM »

My D does this to me. I used to think she had NO control over her outbursts, but they always happen when my husband isn't around. She behaves differently with him, he told her he wouldn't tolerate her abusing me verbally and he meant it. I told her too. I also meant it. But she initiates this stuff when my 7 year G-D, (her D) is there. She know I won't confront her for the child's sake. By the time G-D is at school and H is home, she is over it. At least this last time she semi-acknowledged her issues. It was short of an apology to me, but she did apologize to the child.

Anyone dealing with distorted memories? D is throwing childhood memories at me that are either factually or chronologically wrong. If I make ANY attempt to correct her then I am suddenly refusing to remember or acknowledge the past.

She's told people that she basically had to fend for herself from the age of 8, that I was never home... and yet I am taking care of G-D because D cannot handle the stress of caring for an ADHD child and herself at the same time.

I tried to hide my stress from her, I moved us so she would be a block from where I worked. I was ALWAYS there, or very close. Sometimes I feel like every bit of effort I put into making her life better was wasted.

My M had un-NPD/BPD. D never knew her but the similarities in their personalities are substantial. My M used to tell me stuff about HER parents. I have no idea now what was true...

Hanging in there, her insurance just kicked in last week, she has some appt's lined up. She WANTS help. So that's good. I'm trying soo hard not to get sucked in to the accusations.

I am so close to throwing her out... again. She's 35. Is there still time for her?
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Mutt
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« Reply #75 on: November 09, 2014, 01:38:18 AM »

Anyone dealing with distorted memories? D is throwing childhood memories at me that are either factually or chronologically wrong. If I make ANY attempt to correct her then I am suddenly refusing to remember or acknowledge the past.

Yes. My ex partner with borderline personality traits does often. Your looking for a different BPD behavior than projection.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Dissociation and Dysphoria

A pwBPD often alter their reality to match their out of place feelings. BPD is an emotional based disorder. Your D has feelings that are triggered and she's altering them to feel better. Reality is open to debate. Emotions and feelings are real. Best not to dig your heels in if she's holding unto her reality. You know what your reality is and it'll just make things worse trying to correct hers. I hope that helps. The article will explain her behavior and why.

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TAR


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« Reply #76 on: December 09, 2014, 11:01:48 AM »

I am new to this site and am going through the Lessons regarding Staying and Improving not necessarily because I have chosen to sty, but just to comprehend how I may have acted immaturely throughout the relationship and for my own self improvement.  What I found in one member's response about what the pwBPD feels really shook me as if by in some way, all of my BPD's projection toward me has made me feel those very core beliefs, I am to the point where:

I believe I can't cope on my own

I need someone to rely on

I can't bear unpleasant feelings

If I rely on "him" I will be mistreated, found wanting, or abandoned

I must deserve punishment

I believe the worst possible thing is to be abandoned

Goodness, has it been because I have been subject to such unexplained madness and brainwashing that I am developing symptoms of BPD?  This is a very frightening thought, although I have read that many people after being in these relationships often need to seek counseling of their own in order to reprogram the destructive thinking patterns they have been inundated with.

I can't believe it is possible that I am the BPD because I am not the one engaging in the constant repeated destructive behaviors of lying and cheating that has damaged the relationship. 

Can someone please clarify some of this for me?  It scares me to the core although the list above seriously tells me a lot about the way I feel about myself as opposed to the person I actually was before I met him.

How can this pattern be turned around?  At this state, 5 years into the relationship, I am completely paralyzed by fear and cannot stop my emotions from beating me down. 


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songdog09

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« Reply #77 on: December 31, 2014, 10:47:42 PM »

Projection is one of the "big three" behaviors of a BPD that are the most difficult to comprehend, IMHO.  Projection, cognitive distortions, and splitting being the "big three" to me. 

The danger in being on the receiving end of projection is that it can make one question our own perceptions of ourselves.  It's crazymaking, often guilt-inducing, and frustrating at best. 

Somehow I knew what "projection" was.  Maybe from college psychology class years and years ago. 

In a strange way I am thankful for projection.  Sound weird?  I'll explain.

At least after our separation, I recognized that my wife loved to harp on me for my flaws and faults.  After we separated I found out several significant things that she had lied about for our entire relationship and marriage. 

That was when I put it together that she was projecting on me.  Calling me a flirt, a liar, a terrible father, two faced and worse. The pot and the black kettle come to mind here...

Anyway, during the darker days, meaning the days just fresh after having gotten myself out of the house, my research into what projection was lead me to websites about BPD.

As I have said in other posts, I have never read about any disease, situation, event, etc. that rang so crystal clear to me with my wife than the descriptions of BPD.  Many of the behaviors seem almost cookie cutter.  Projecting is one of those cookie cutter behaviors, no doubt.

So had there not been some understanding of projection and my recognition of her text book case of projection, I would have never found out about BPD, which completely explains my ex-wife's behavior.

If I hadn't found these forums, websites and books about BPD I would still be working in the dark, probably still blaming myself for the divorce.  I would not have the knowledge that gave me the strength to understand what was happening with this woman I loved so much.
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Mutt
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« Reply #78 on: January 01, 2015, 12:12:20 AM »

I can relate to your confusion TAR and it's hard to separate what's real and not when your in the thick of it.

JADE I think really helps here.

When you're being accused of something that's questionable and you know the person is mentally ill it's a good idea to not defend your reality.

Think of it this way. Reality is open to debate. Emotions and feelings are real.

The pwBPD believes their reality and don't understand that projection is exaggerated for them to cope. It's a subconscious defense mechanism. We project as well and not to the extent that a pwBPD does. It's a part of the disorder.

When you know what's real and your partner is saying something that's off, strange or that they really own this feeling or behavior.

I suggest not digging your heals in. Don't Justify Attack Defend or Explain your reality ( JADE ) The mentally ill believe what they believe as do we.

It is mental illness.

Trust yourself and your gut. I think taking about it dispels myths and you start to sort what you're going through and the confusion starts to lift.

Share here with people that stood in your shoes.
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rarsweet
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« Reply #79 on: January 07, 2015, 10:07:32 PM »

I completely agree that what they  say about you is really their own thought it I'd scary once you realize it because for the first time they are crystal clear
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