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THE PSYCHOLOGY OF PERSONALITY DISORDERS
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Author Topic: BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection  (Read 74304 times)
risingup

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« Reply #80 on: February 01, 2015, 09:16:40 PM »

Hi,I'm new to this forum, but I'm a little embarrassed. Are they aware that they are projecting when they do it? I was so confused at first when my ex started projecting and does projection have anything to do with guilt?
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JRT
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« Reply #81 on: February 01, 2015, 09:27:44 PM »

Ok: so I have learned that my ex's son has referred to me as 'psycho' (I had a nice laugh about it), which I suspect is coming from Mom. Does it naturally follow that Mom (who has admitted that there is something wrong with her and has begun to see a T) that Mom is projecting her mental illness upon me and using it as a tool for painting me black?
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HappyNihilist
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« Reply #82 on: February 02, 2015, 10:29:18 AM »

Hi,I'm new to this forum, but I'm a little embarrassed. Are they aware that they are projecting when they do it? I was so confused at first when my ex started projecting and does projection have anything to do with guilt?

 Hello there, risingup, and welcome! Don't ever be embarrassed about asking questions.

Projection is an unconscious defense mechanism, so the person who is projecting isn't aware that he/she is doing it. (They may come to a realization later, but in the moment, they aren't aware.)

A person who is projecting is typically denying his/her own "badness" by externalizing it onto a partner. This keeps the borderline from feeling painful feelings like guilt, badness, remorse, etc., about him-/herself.

Let's say the borderline is having an affair. The borderline can't cope with this "badness," because to accept that would mean (in the borderline "all or nothing" mindset) that the borderline is bad. So he projects these unpleasant traits onto his partner - accusing his partner of cheating or wanting to cheat, for instance. That way, he can loathe and denigrate the badness without loathing himself.
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You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. ~Margery Williams, "Velveteen Rabbit"
~ It's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then. -Alice ~
whiplashed_mom
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« Reply #83 on: July 30, 2015, 11:28:13 PM »

My uBPD-dil began to tell my son that my husband and I did not like her from the time she met us. All three of us were quite puzzled. Lately it was, "It's always about you, Mom. You make everything about you." Ha. I've hardly said a word, nor has my son, in three years. These are both projections from the bd.
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SummerStorm
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« Reply #84 on: July 31, 2015, 10:29:26 AM »

Hi,I'm new to this forum, but I'm a little embarrassed. Are they aware that they are projecting when they do it? I was so confused at first when my ex started projecting and does projection have anything to do with guilt?

They aren't aware of it, and as I found out pretty quickly, there's no use trying to point it out to them.  But yes, as others have noted, it has everything to do with guilt (or really, shame). 

My exBPD was very self-aware and knew that her actions were bad.  She cheated on her boyfriend with me, and from that point on, she just went completely downhill.  She always moved on quickly from relationships, but she hadn't cheated since high school (in between living with boyfriends, she would live with friends or family while she looked for a new boyfriend), and she felt so much shame.  At first, her projections were aimed at her boyfriend.  She basically tried to justify why she was cheating on him.  One time, she told me that he was selfish because he wasn't helping her move into his place and hadn't made space for her things.  I now know that what she was really trying to tell me was, "I'm so selfish.  I've basically moved myself into his place without asking and am now crowding his small room with all of my things."

Eventually, her projections moved on to me.  She called me clingy.  She told me I was psychotic.  She told me I was a poison in her life.   
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So when will this end it goes on and on/Over and over and over again/Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop/Till I step down from this for good - Lifehouse "Sick Cycle Carousel"
SummerStorm
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« Reply #85 on: July 31, 2015, 11:24:44 AM »

My uBPD-dil began to tell my son that my husband and I did not like her from the time she met us. All three of us were quite puzzled. Lately it was, "It's always about you, Mom. You make everything about you." Ha. I've hardly said a word, nor has my son, in three years. These are both projections from the bd.

I got, "Not everything is about you, SummerStorm" from my former friend BPD.  When she said it to me, I always felt like replying, "Oh, I'm sorry.  I forgot.  Everything is about you." 
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So when will this end it goes on and on/Over and over and over again/Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop/Till I step down from this for good - Lifehouse "Sick Cycle Carousel"
valet
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« Reply #86 on: August 03, 2015, 02:11:40 PM »

I had an interesting moment of self-awareness regarding projection just now, after reading through bits and pieces of this thread.

I am currently maintaining a friendship with my uBPDex, and my intuition points towards the idea that she is seeing an old friend of mine at the moment. This, of course, is just a feeling, but it has changed my perception of him. His 'bad' qualities seem to stick out a lot more now, and his 'good' qualities have receded from my perspective.

This, I think, is a good example of how I project.

I see his 'bad' qualities more clearly because I too was attracted to her. Could I be projecting 'bad' qualities onto him because I feel that my own relationship with her was a driven by deficiencies in me? I think that the answer is yes. I need to work on accepting facts as facts, and people for who they are. And I need to more thoroughly explore my own core wounds from childhood.
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hurtingbad

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« Reply #87 on: August 11, 2015, 01:56:45 PM »

Let's say the borderline is having an affair. The borderline can't cope with this "badness," because to accept that would mean (in the borderline "all or nothing" mindset) that the borderline is bad. So he projects these unpleasant traits onto his partner - accusing his partner of cheating or wanting to cheat, for instance. That way, he can loathe and denigrate the badness without loathing himself.[/quote]
HappyNihilist (or anyone else who may have a thought on this),

Regarding your above post... do you think (or know) that whatever is being projected is actually because the person with BPD is/has done that particular thing?  Meaning, if I am being accused of cheating, does that mean my BPDh HAS cheated?  Or could it be just that he's extremely jealous or "afraid of being abandoned"?  There are about 25 people where I work... and only two of us are female... I TRY to avoid telling my BPDh anything that happens at work, whether it be funny or something that made me mad, because 99.9% of the time, the story will involve another male... and that can turn bad, fast!  He is very protective of me (if someone mad me mad or said something he thinks is inappropriate), I have to stop him from coming to my work to "take care of it".  On the other hand, and possibly in the next sentence, he may accuse me of cheating with that person.  I trust him completely, and because we had both been cheated on in past relationships and feel the same about that, I have only once even thought he might be cheating (I was pregnant and hormonal at that time-22 years ago!)  We've been married almost 25 years now, and I've never thought about cheating... never crosses my mind... but I have been accused of it on many occasions.  (I should also mention that he was in a terrible car wreck over 10 years ago and has been disabled and unable to work since.  He's home all day, every day, alone and in physical pain.  I know that in itself has caused him to feel "useless" and "not the man I married".  I'm sure he has plenty of self esteem issues that would tell him there's no reason I wouldn't cheat, because he BELIEVES that he needs me, but that I do not need him.  NO MATTER WHAT I SAY, BY THE WAY!) 

Or if he's accusing me of being controlling... "you always have to do everything your way", is that because he feels that way about himself? 

The controlling thing happens with just about everything I say or do... depending on the day, of course.  Last time he asked me why I did something this way instead of that way, I said, "Of course, if I'M doing something I'm going to do it my way, because that's the way I do it.  And you would do it your way... doesn't make either one right or wrong".  I actually got away with that one!  No argument!  However, that is not normally the case. 

Sorry if I got a bit long winded here... didn't mean to!
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Eye438
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« Reply #88 on: August 16, 2015, 12:02:45 PM »

What I found with my ex BPD was her continuous statements that I projected on her which was a whole new issue to deal with in the tangled web of BPD for me. I desperately tried to help her in so many crisis but when the projection thing came up I was over it already. I feel projection is something we all do from time or another but in the convoluted world of mental illness there is really no clarity on most emotional levels and only gets worse the longer the non stays in the madness.
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OffRoad
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« Reply #89 on: August 26, 2015, 12:54:45 AM »

Regarding your above post... do you think (or know) that whatever is being projected is actually because the person with BPD is/has done that particular thing?  Meaning, if I am being accused of cheating, does that mean my BPDh HAS cheated?  Or could it be just that he's extremely jealous or "afraid of being abandoned"? 

I think it can be either:that they have cheated or they are afraid of being abandoned. I think that it is HOW you are accused that makes the difference. "If you're going to cheat, then I might as well, too." as opposed to "I might as well leave now since you are cheating on me."

Quote
Or if he's accusing me of being controlling... "you always have to do everything your way", is that because he feels that way about himself?

Or because he can't or doesn't think he can control himself.  In my H's case, he says that when he was supposed to have done something, didn't so I did, and now I'm controlling. I didn't control anything except my ability to do it myself.

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