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Poll
Question: What is the current status of your BPD relationship? [for members actively in the disengaging process today only]
We cohabitated or slept together in last 4 weeks - 62 (13.7%)
We spent time together in last 4 weeks (but none of the above) - 35 (7.7%)
We have  communicated in the last 4 weeks (but none of the above) - 83 (18.3%)
All communication severed 4 weeks or more except for divorce/custody communications (separation initiated by BPD) - 20 (4.4%)
All communication severed 4 weeks or more except for divorce/custody communications  (separation initiated by me) - 23 (5.1%)
All communication severed 4 weeks or more (separation initiated by BPD) - 93 (20.5%)
All communication severed 4 weeks or more  (separation initiated by me) - 111 (24.5%)
Other (if you can't fit it above, please explain in a post) - 26 (5.7%)
Total Voters: 448

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Author Topic: SURVEY | What is the status of your relationship with your BPD?  (Read 18980 times)
Skip
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« on: February 15, 2009, 04:30:38 PM »

This is a poll for active members of the leaving board - specifically members actively in the process of disengaging from their relationship.

Where are you in your relationship today?

We cohabitated or slept together in last 4 weeks

We spend time together in last 4 weeks (but none of the above)

We have  communicated (but none of the above)

All communication severed 4 weeks or more except for divorce/custody communications (separation initiated by BPD)

All communication severed  except for divorce/custody communications  (separation initiated by me)

All communication severed 4 weeks or more (separation initiated by BPD)

All communication severed  4 weeks or more  (separation initiated by me)

Other (if you can't fit it above, please explain in a post)




See list of all romantic relationship surveys
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Gravityworks
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« Reply #1 on: February 15, 2009, 06:26:40 PM »

About 3 weeks ago she contacted me to tell me that I had left a box of important papers at the house and could I pick them up. It included such things as birth certificate, SS card, bank stuff, and so on. She contacted me on a Monday and I responded that I would not be able to pick the stuff up until the following Friday. That Friday I left work at 3 and called her leaving a message that I was on my way and to please call me if that was a problem. I received no call from her. It is a 70 mile drive one way for me. When I got to the house her car was not there so I went and did errands and returned to see if she had gotten back. She hadn't. So I did not stop and proceeded to head back to my place. I got a call when I was a couple of miles out of town. She immediately started yelling at me over the phone making no sense. I told her that I could not talk to her like this and hung up. She called several more times with the scenario being exactly the same. Finally, she called and said that my stuff was by the front door and that I better come and get it. At this point it is literally a 10 mile drive to the next exit so I do my 20 drive to go back to her house. Meanwhile, several more calls that are hinging on the point of crazy. As I am driving back to her house I considered calling the police to do a civil standby but did not thinking that this would embarrass her and create more drama. BIG mistake! When I arrived my papers had been thrown all over the sidewalk and lawn by the street. I left a box of her stuff by the door and proceeded to pick my stuff up. I made no effort to let her know that I was there. As I was picking my stuff up she came out and started screaming at me. I still do no know what hell was going on. Anyway I finished getting my stuff, told her that this was way too much drama for me and that if she wanted to talk call me next week.  Getting my stuff took at the most 5 minutes. Then I left.

The next day I started getting emails and phone messages threatening to make a scene at my work, contact my boss, and one going so far as to call me an abuser! So I called the police in the town that she lives in to see what I could do to protect myself. The officer I was speaking with at this point told me that she had called them the night before and had told them that I had been trespassing. When I told the officer my side of the story and mentioned that I had emails showing that she had asked for me to come and pick up my stuff, he mentioned that it is actually against the law to entrap someone that way (ie, saying come visit me then claiming that the person was trespassing). Anyway, the officer explained the Oregon law dealing with Telephonic Harassment. I sent an email to the exuBPDgf explaining that law and that she was in no way allowed to contact me or any of my friends or my workplace and coworkers. She sent one more threatening email so I called the police and they contacted her AND THAT, my friends, has been the last I have heard to date.

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ninna343

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« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2009, 07:11:59 PM »

I have not had contact since July. He has mailed things to my work and to my house, he does not know if I've ever recieved them. He has called several times but I've never answered, and I no longer have a message option. He called my work last month... .I answered not knowing who it was, realized immediately it was him and hung up as soon as I heard his voice.

The last contact he made was Valentines, he sent a package but again... .he does not know whether or not I recieved it.
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gee-see?
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« Reply #3 on: February 15, 2009, 07:50:31 PM »

we agreed to cease comunication before christmas. I have not spoken with her since mid dec. we have emailed each other twice. I am going to attend an event next month that she will also be attending, hence the emails. Other than that it is and ha been NC, I intend it to be NC again after the event
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« Reply #4 on: February 15, 2009, 07:59:21 PM »

we agreed on jan 7 to end our insanity. i have been nc since . she called last tues. i didnt take the call nor have i listened to the message

hardest thing ive had to do in years
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MaybeSo
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« Reply #5 on: February 15, 2009, 08:11:07 PM »

We broke up on New Years.  We have been in contact for the purpose of my move (I had lived with him for a short time and I am still getting my furniture etc. out). The two times I saw him in person he ended up sobbing and wanting to get back together; I told him he would be okay and in gentle terms stated I would not even consider dating him unless he was committed to his own therapy first.  That's where I'm at right now. I have not intention of going back or becomming involved unless I saw long term evidence of growth on his part.  Meanwhile, I continue with my own therapy to become clear about why I choose these kinds of relationships and the role I play.  I have learned a lot about myself in this relationship; it has in a way, been invaluable.
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Honey
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« Reply #6 on: February 15, 2009, 08:40:30 PM »

We spent time together in last 4 weeks (but none of the above)

We have not slept together since mid July.  Aug-Dec we did not see each other.  During that time I gave up dancing in a dance troupe so I would not have to see him.  January I began going again and we would meet.  It has been very very dificult.  We are normally paired together.  We are a perfect fit when dancing (when he is not on a BPD binge). 

A huge glinch in my leaving plan happened a week ago.  He left me a phone message on my mobile (which was turned to silent when he called) when I was on my way to dance on Friday.  I did not pick it up until midnight.  He said in the message he had hurt his back and would not be at dance.  I was so puzzeled as to why he called (we have not talked on the phone since mid July).  On Sunday I called and asked if he was ok.  (He does not talk to any relatives and I did not know if he had a girl friend to help him).  Well long story short he said he was fine, I said ok and hung up.  The following friday he showed up at dancing.  He said he did not now why he called me and left that message other then the fact that I was the first one he thought of.  He said it sounded like I called just because it was my responsibility, and seemed upset I had not done more (like I have done in the past).  But that was all set aside and we actually had a wonderful time and he stayed long after he needed to help me with admit stuff.

I have had a heck of a week end.  Maybe I should have done more to help him when he was incapacitated with his back.   But my plan is really NC and I wanted to stick to that.  Now I have made a plan for the next 6 weeks.  Being I will be traveling in an all girl dance troupe during the next 6 weeks I will not have to deal with him and can refocus on myself.  He knows of my schedule and has been telling me that it is not a good idea because it would be hard on my body to be on this schedule. It seems most of what ever I decide to do he disagrees with.  One reason I can't be with him.

Sometimes I just have to say a prayer for Heaven to help me.

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OneTrickPony
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« Reply #7 on: February 15, 2009, 09:09:22 PM »

All communication severed 4 weeks or more  (separation initiated by me)

Thanks to the information and support I have gotten from this site,

I have not seen nor talked to my ex in coming up on six months.

I am stronger today than I have been in years.

Thanks to everyone here for all you've done.

OTP

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upfrmhere
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« Reply #8 on: February 15, 2009, 10:08:33 PM »

  we agreed not to drag the insanity into the new year. i saw her last, somewhere around the 7th of january    (brief conversation i walked away) ... .she has made attempts at contact since, but i have remained strict NC... no phone calls from her for 1 & 1/2 weeks now ...
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msok
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« Reply #9 on: February 15, 2009, 10:32:15 PM »

All communication was severed months ago (break-up initiated by me) except for occasional re-engages by him which I totally ignore.
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« Reply #10 on: February 15, 2009, 10:34:37 PM »

The last time my wife and I interacted was on the day I left in the end of December. The next day I sought a TRO. My lawyer advised against any interaction or contact, which could be used to vacate the restraining order. At stake is the return of our two toddlers, or their being put up for adoption by CPS. I miss my wife, and want to be their to provide her comfort and support, but I have to look out for my children as well!
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Interestedparty
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« Reply #11 on: February 16, 2009, 12:23:34 AM »

All communication severed 4 weeks or more (initiated by me)

Break-up was initiated by me following textbook BPD behaviour in February 2008 (2 days after celebrating Valentine's day and intense declarations of love by BPD!)

A few phone calls from BPD in between trying to prove what a fantastic life he had now, how great new relationship is, etc. No initiation by me. Wished him luck.

All direct verbal and written communication severed completely in July 2008.

Received stray 'accidentally forwarded email' by him to me and other recipients in October 2008.

No response from me.

Good-bye 2008 and welcome 2009!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

                  IP

                   




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dcole
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« Reply #12 on: February 16, 2009, 02:02:57 AM »

My BPDso is now sleeping on the couch and I have the bedroom. She is looking for a place to live on her own. Her family has said they would  help buy her a flat, which I think is why she is now calmer, more rational, and is definately looking to move out.  Unfortunately her taste in flats are a bit expensive, so I'm hoping every day she finds something that she wants.  She found a flat that was perfect, but the sellers backed out. Now, no flat is as good as the one that got away. 

On valentine's day I was able to have a good talk with her about her rages, and that her daughter has picked up on it and knows to tip-toe around mommy and never to touch her things.  I told her that D has said the following to me twice (D is learning English):

Don't touch that, don't touch that!

It is mommy, It is mommy!

mommy good, mommy good, but, but, but

Don't touch that

mommy good, but, but

It is mommy (it is mommy's)

BPD's reaction was that she likes things in perfect order (the flat is a pig-sty because her things are everywhere).

My BPDSO has gotten religion and is nightly reading the Bible and other religious material.  She goes to church twice a week. 

Tonight, she will see another flat. I hope she likes it, so that she can get out. As far at the relationship goes, it is definately over in both of our minds.  We are working together to get her her own place. 
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chasesun
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« Reply #13 on: February 16, 2009, 02:30:15 AM »

hi all.

the 24th of this month will be 5 months of the STRICTEST NC you could ever imagine! (i have to see her most days)

this has been acheiveable by this great life saving site and all you that contribute to it!

i thank you very much as it has given me back my health, happiness and sanity! 

thanks,

chase
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nick212
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« Reply #14 on: February 16, 2009, 03:30:15 AM »

All communication severed 4 weeks or more  (separation initiated by me)


still tries to contact me, not worth my time, she isn't up to my standards, and I see that now
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waylander
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« Reply #15 on: February 16, 2009, 05:43:45 AM »

i have had no direct contact with her for over 2 years now , she did try to re-engagement me once in november 06, but she was told in no uncertain terms what i thought of her, and was left in no doubt how i felt about the way i had been treated... .as she works near by and deals with our office , i do see her from time to time , i simply ignore her i blank her , walk past her , she has not tried to talk with me , at all since nov 06... .i did get some news about her at xmas time from work mates, female work mates , that she had been with some guy and had gotten engaged very quickly, then called it off then got back with him again , talk about the rollercoaster,, i also heard that he had beaten her up at least twice, i now realise that she is in fact very ill and needs help , but it is not something that i can get involved with , as it would hurt me again to be upclose to her and then have her turn on me again, we all know how that works ... i dare say that down the line i will hear other things about her situation or indeed i will see her again , but i will keep walking NO CONTACT, has been good for me , and i would be very stupid to break no contact, and try and engage her again , i was left feeling vey confused by her behaviour nothing at the end made sense, she would say one thing then do another , then deny ever having said, what she in fact did say , hurt confused and angry ... best sums up how i felt at the end ,a life experience that i dont think i will ever forget , i will drop in on the ftf notice board from time to time as i think it continues to remind me that came very close to being crushed and that i should never forget that , it keeps me away from her and i am thankful for that... .i am on my own , and not activly looking for a relationship , damage was done and i still need time to fully put it behind me , before i attempt to let any female in to my life other than friends,, thank you for being here... .w
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« Reply #16 on: February 16, 2009, 06:52:16 AM »

I checked other only because I left the house just 5 days ago.  I saw the BP 4 days ago (moving more of my stuff).  I anticipate seeing her on Wedesday for CT.

Prior to that, the BP and I had not shared a bedroom for 7 months.  Our conversations were essentially limited to business.
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teri
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« Reply #17 on: February 16, 2009, 07:24:41 AM »

All communication severed more than two months ago initiated by me. My phone number has been changed for almost one month now and he has been blocked from my e-mail. I've never felt better!
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time4healing

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« Reply #18 on: February 16, 2009, 08:27:15 AM »

All communication(on my part) severed since mid November 2008.This was initiated by me. I have not contacted her, but there have been some phone calls, voice mails, emails and text messages from her, most of which I haven't responded to.
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LivingLovingMyBP

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« Reply #19 on: February 16, 2009, 08:54:04 AM »

No re-engagement attempts here. This of course should change when the guy she left me for dumps her, just as it has happened in the past. The difference is, this time, unlike the last five times, I'm aware of BPD and thanks to this support group, I can now have the strength to refuse to let her back into my life.

Thank you all.
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pallavirajsinghani
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« Reply #20 on: February 16, 2009, 10:31:48 AM »

I hope I am posting this where I should... .still learning to navigate the board.

Communication between my DBPD and myself was severed several months ago I suppose mutually after an incidence of terrible raging directed at me over the phone... .
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« Reply #21 on: February 16, 2009, 10:46:34 AM »

Came home one night, house was empty and freezing cold.  Haven't heard from her since outside of sitting in a court room.  Has not directly talked to me since. (September 08)

Also poisoned my s16 and have not heard from him either.  Court soon to try to order family counseling for S/me to try to repair the relationship.


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roseindigo

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« Reply #22 on: February 16, 2009, 11:33:30 AM »

Communication severed ten years ago. Then two years ago he had serious heart problems and needed help, so I made the mistake of getting involved again after all that time, realizing he needed help and there was no one else and also hoping that the illness may have mellowed him. The first year was OK until he had recovered reasonably well, and then the same ugly song and dance began again. I asked him to leave and have had no contact again for 14 months now.
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« Reply #23 on: February 16, 2009, 12:09:17 PM »

We cohabitated or slept together in last 4 weeks.

BPDh does not know (although he does seem to sense that "something is up" that I am in the midst of intensive plans to either

(1)  get him out, so I can get our place fixed up (his unfinished projects everywhere) and sold, & move on with life, or

(2)  walk away, ensuring my total financial ruin, but saving my self

Aiming for me to be living and working in another state quite far from here by the end of April.

It is important that I have "all my ducks in a row" before moving forward.  Many aspects to deal with, and coordination of timinig is critical, as we live out in the country ... .so I need to have people around when I tell him, etc.   

In any case, we continue to live as we have been (more or less) -- except that fortunately (in a way) I have been ill with a cold-to bronchitis-to now maybe pneumonia for almost 3 weeks.  So I have been almost exclusively alone in the bedroom, while he spends his time playing his computer game in another room.  Probably not interacting more than 1 hour/day ... .and that is usually while we are watching a movie while eating dinner together.  During this time off work (sick) I discovered bpdfamily.com, and have been active here plus doing a lot of reading from resource material suggested here and books that I own.

Marid
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« Reply #24 on: February 16, 2009, 12:36:51 PM »

Technically she initiated the cessation of contact by choosing to be with another man after a four and a half year (presumably) committed relationship.  She took a vacation on which I could not accompany her.  And there she hooked up with who I've assumed would later be her husband.  After a very difficult time for me, during which I went NC under the suggestion of my therapist, I self-re-engaged and met up with her about a year later "seeking closure." 

It had been about a year since we last spoke.  I was in her home town on a trip and contacted her on the last night I was to be in town.  We met up the following morning at the airport.  I was smart enough to bring a chaperon.

I remember the meeting being very superficial but it seemed to me that she wanted desperately to cry or something, but something held her back (thankfully) perhaps it was the chaperon.  That conversation, she dominated with this complaint or that complaint.  I just remember thinking, "Thank God I don't have to listen to this incessant complaining and whining anymore; she is no longer my obligation."  I don't remember her asking anything of significance regarding my life or what was going on with me.  She seemed so very self-centered in a way I never quite saw before.

In retrospect, I guess she was doing what had always worked for her before, which was to be the consummate waif.  Back then when I was her full time rescuer, I would respond like a Pavlov dog to her ails.  It seems to me that she didn't know how to process the two years gap between us and thankfully that struck me odd enough for me to maintain my guard with her.

I also remember while boarding my flight that she did not strike me as attractive, but in fact terribly needy and that served as good-enough-closure for me at the time.  Though I still had to "process" this deeply unhealthy relationship years later, it's been over a decade since that very last contact I had with her, and this is a good thing.
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Skip
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« Reply #25 on: February 16, 2009, 01:12:34 PM »

What would you say the biggest challenges (top 3) were (are) for you in disengaging yourself?
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« Reply #26 on: February 16, 2009, 01:16:32 PM »

In response to your question, Skip, I would have to say the F, the O, and the G, in that order.

(For Newbies - that's Fear, Obligation and Guilt).
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« Reply #27 on: February 16, 2009, 01:27:00 PM »

"Thank God I don't have to listen to this incessant complaining and whining anymore; she is no longer my obligation." 

The last two visits w/ my ex bf... .he ended up sobbing and trying to reunite; but not before he verbally vomitted about 40 minutes worth of negativity and victimhood and blaming... .which was a constant routine when I was with him. It felt surreal and liberating to hear it while thinking... .this is no longer my problem, this is no longer my life, I don't have to do this anymore.

The flip side is, I still feel mixed emotions sometimes based on obligation and guilt and just that love I have for a human being; broken or not; I remember when I was 15 my mom once told me 'you are always rooting for the underdog'.  I have always gravitated toward taking home broken animals and broken people. I'm sitting with that now. I can see where that is not always in the best interest of either party. I have work to do around this issue.

peace, smg


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« Reply #28 on: February 16, 2009, 01:29:34 PM »

What would you say the biggest challenges (top 3) were (are) for you in disengaging yourself?

1.  Isolation - distance from family (or any other support people) & fact that we live in the country.  This makes the planning and (much more so) the implementation of the break much more difficult.  I have to have someone here when I announce it to him, and I have to have someone here while he gets his initial stuff packed and out the door, and I have to have someone here to help me get the rest of his stuff packed and stored.  (That's the plan at present.  Easier, but financially much worse for me would be just to have a moving van show up, point at what stuff I want them to pack and take for me, and walk away from the whole thing.)      This is taking a tremendous toll on me mentally  ?, emotionally   :'(, physically      .  

2.  Finances - I am sole source of income (self-employed), since he quit his job 2 years ago.  He has burned through all our savings, we are in a world of debt, and he spent all the money set aside for quarterly tax payments -- so I am dealing with IRS issues, too.  This is all kind of scary.

3.  Loss of the dream.   :'( This is the big emotional one.    :'( :'(   We had (what I thought was) a shared dream to live and love a self-sustaining rural life, me working to earn money outside the home, him telecommuting to earn money at least part time (as he was doing), and spending the rest of his hours working the farm.  I have done a lot a grieving over this already, and have pretty much lost my attachment to this place ... .which was HUGE.  However, I suspect that there is going to be a lot of grieving again, once the "deed it done."    That's why I am working hard to get new dreams in place for myself before this all comes down.  NOT a new man (for the foreseeable future at least, if ever) -- just new dreams that are mine.

Marid
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« Reply #29 on: February 16, 2009, 01:36:02 PM »

[The flip side is, I still feel mixed emotions sometimes based on obligation and guilt and just that love I have for a human being; broken or not;  I have always gravitated toward taking home ... .broken people. I'm sitting with that now. I can see where that is not always in the best interest of either party. I have work to do around this issue.

peace, smg


Well put.  Me, too.  I am reflecting on how maladaptive (but useful) it has been to see myself as a rescuer.  I put his stuff first, then I don't have time, energy, etc, to keep working on my OWN stuff.

I have been impressed with the number of people here who have mentioned attending AA.  I am not alcoholic, but I have a (now sober, thanks be to God) son who is.  I have attended a few meetings with him over the years.  I am putting that on my "things to do in the post-BPDh era" list.  The 12 steps really DO apply to me, too.  For example, I have a LOT of amends to make for having let his BPD take over in my life ... .just like the alcoholic has amends to make for letting alcohol take over in his/her life.

Marid
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« Reply #30 on: February 16, 2009, 01:53:57 PM »

What would you say the biggest challenges (top 3) were (are) for you in disengaging yourself?

1.  Fear that I will spend the rest of my life alone.  In addition to my knowledge that no one will ever want me (I have specific attributes which are still considered socially acceptable to discriminate against - even on these boards I have read two posts which reflect a mocking insensitivity to these issues),  I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust anyone ever again.

2.  Fear that I will never get over her, that if she shows up one day (she knows where I will be working and my office is publicly accessible) that I will not have the strength to resist her. It would be easier if sometime in my future I had a more full life, but that won't happen.  My life is a very lonely one and she is a staggeringly attractive and charming woman.  In the past, I've stated that when I speak to her, all my defenses disappear. 

Changing my phone number won't help:  I am a licensed professional and state law requires that my name, address (they allow me to use a post office box, thank the lord) and phone number are posted on the web so as to be accessible to everyone on the planet.

3.  My desire to help her (and her fetus).


The saddest thing is, I feel that whether or not I am successful in maintaining NC, I lose either way.  The choice is either (1) to lose my sanity, my career and my life quickly from the emotional havoc of having this woman in my life; or (2) to watch my sanity and health erode slowly from the debilitating loneliness that has come to characterize my life.
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« Reply #31 on: February 16, 2009, 02:16:27 PM »

Told Hu I was ending the marriage 16 months ago. Stayed living together for two more months, I slept on sofa or at a friend's house, until we told the kids. I had already rented a house to move into when I told him, landlords surprisingly let me not pay for one monthe so I only paid for one month empty house (I gradually moved things in) We told the kids and I moved out two weeks later. I have not talked to him about anything except the kids and the divorce. The kids are teenagers and doing well, so there has been little to discuss. Also, fortunately for all involved, we have very few conflicts about child rearing. He tries to talk about other things, but I cut him off and he is gradually decreasing contact.

Hardest part about leaving:

1. Worry about the kids. He is a hands on playful father - The kids are doing better than my wildest hopes. Not only my observations but that of their friends' parents, teachers. We have 50/50 custody, I am missing half of their lives

2. Finances - I gave him more than half our assets, and am the sole support of the kids (college coming) as well as supporting him for the next year. I have a good job, am not destitute, but I have worked hard, saved money, put my wants on hold, etc etc.

3. Agreed "giving up the dream" - I will not grow old with the father of my children, share the joys of grandparenthood, etc.

4. Facing that I could not fix the situation by just trying harder. Also, facing that I should have known this years ago and wasted so many ers hoping for something that could never be.

5. Uncertain whether I coud ever trust my judgement about men if the opportunity should arise.
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Marid
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« Reply #32 on: February 16, 2009, 02:54:59 PM »

Facing that I could not fix the situation by just trying harder. Also, facing that I should have known this years ago and wasted so many ers hoping for something that could never be.

Amen to the grief over wasted years ... .except I did learn some stuff -- and so did you!  And maybe I wouldn't be ready for the next phase if I hadn't gone through this one.

I HAVE to look at things that way -- because when I don't, I lay awake and cry, feeling that I have given away 7.5 years of my life ... .plus the recovery time ahead.

Marid
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Howzah
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« Reply #33 on: February 16, 2009, 03:14:59 PM »

It's been 3 weeks since I've seen her. She was drunk riding her bike on a flat tire and called me, so I picked her up and we hung out at my house. I was stupid, temptation came, and I buckled. We slept together. It was a mistake. It was so emotionless, no passion, just porn star sex. I really regret it.

She moved a week later. I would get the occasional text, but she made no effort to see me before she left. I only really get sporadic texts now, usually meaningless, or with sad faces talking about how depressed she is. When I engage, she doesn't respond to anything directly I say, or at all. She'll just send the random text with the woe is me life sucks, and won't respond to my texts. I've made the decision to just let it go, but it's really freaking hard. There isn't a single redeeming quality about her. SHe's just really messed up, an alcoholic, a drug addict, a terrible mother, and a terrible friend. I look back on everything and I'm amazed what I put up with. I should have never gotten involved with someone so mentally unstable. Never should have given them the benefit of the doubt. Never should have ever cared. It was a big mistake. I can't say what will happen, but I need to be strong and try my darn best to let her go and never look back. It's a vacuum of pain, abuse, and heartache that will never end as long as I care about her.
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Red Raven
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« Reply #34 on: February 16, 2009, 03:20:58 PM »

All communication severed 4 weeks or more except for divorce/custody communications (separation initiated by BPD)

Except of course she called I didn't pick up and I deleted the v/m without listening to it.  That was January 26th, a month to the day she broke up with me.

Hardest thing for me is being without my best friend, my lover, my soul mate.  Realizing that the dream isn't coming true.  I am in an altered reality of where I thought I would be.  I thought we would be engaged, my house for sale and packing to move to Co.

Now I am struggling to find purpose.
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« Reply #35 on: February 16, 2009, 03:26:54 PM »

It's a vacuum of pain, abuse, and heartache that will never end as long as I care about her.

So well phrased!

You may or may not be old enough to remember a song by a band called "Heart"  -

"I've got to harden my heart.

I've got to swallow my pride.

I've got to turn and walk away."

Easier said than done, though, huh?    ;p


Marid

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solluna
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« Reply #36 on: February 16, 2009, 04:11:38 PM »

In my disengaging process, I saved a gift he gave me in one of his saner more stable times. I thought I would want/need some memory of "better" times, but I know that I wanted to hang onto some hope that one day he would be different and we could get back together again, and my fantasy of who he was would come true. I did this even as I had no doubt it was over forever.

I saw this item in my desk drawer at work just a few weeks ago There was no emotional content at all, I chuckled at myself for keeping it.  I picked it up and threw it in the garbage. I did not need hope, I did not need to scratch off the scab becaue the wound essentially was healed and had no residual pain.

I do still regret the wasted years, have anger at him, but I did learn about myself, and have alot to work on regarding me. But there is another thread called "Joy, joy,joy" and I feel I am there and Marid, LeeJr, Howzah, Desert, everyone, we can all be there. These people do not need to define our lives. They have left their scars, but scar tissue is tougher than the original. We may scratch it or pick at it, but eventually it fades.   

Solluna
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Howzah
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« Reply #37 on: February 16, 2009, 04:16:45 PM »

It's a lot easier said then done. I think we cling on to a hope. We hope that if we just care a little longer than all the other people they destroyed, maybe they will return the favor, and realize what life is all about. It's about love, happiness, friendship. trust. Without these things we live an empty existence. We're just breathing organisms without feeling and emotional fullfillment in our lives. We have fantasies, because a lot of BPDs are very beautiful people on the outside, that we can rescue the damsel in distress, and show them we're special. We're trying to validate how important or special we are to ourselves, by caring about them. It's a vicious cycle.

It just won't work. These are seriously damaged people on the inside. Nobody is going to save them or make them happy. They are completely miserable and blame the world for their unhappiness. Nothing is ever good enough. Its why most of them are so shallow and superficial. They look for the wrong things to try and sustain their emotional needs.
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« Reply #38 on: February 16, 2009, 06:52:08 PM »

We hope that if we just care a little longer than all the other people they destroyed, maybe they will return the favor, and realize what life is all about. It's about love, happiness, friendship. trust. Without these things we live an empty existence.

It just won't work. These are seriously damaged people on the inside. Nobody is going to save them or make them happy. They are completely miserable and blame the world for their unhappiness. Nothing is ever good enough. Its why most of them are so shallow and superficial. They look for the wrong things to try and sustain their emotional needs.

Okay, Okay, I will be the first one to raise my hand and tell everyone here ---

Yes, I have REPEATEDLY told  my BPDh that I love him more than anyone else in the world has ever loved him -- and understand him better, too.

Both of those are probably true -- the 2nd one certainly is -- at least NOW it is.

Marid

PS - Solluna, I will look for the Joy, Joy, Joy thread.  Thanks for mentioning it.

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solluna
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« Reply #39 on: February 16, 2009, 08:22:45 PM »

I have thought and worked long and hard on this issue. In addition to being a caregiver by nature and profession, in addition to somehow loving the person I was with, in addition to wanting to rescue him, for me, I realized, that on some level I felt if he would love me back, he who has such intimacy problems then I really must be lovable, worthy person. My own self confidence needed the validation from him. I had to learn to value myself and see how I was selling myself so short.

Howzah, you are absolutely right. These are damaged people and nothing will fix them. Many friends would tell me how lucky my Hu was to have me, but he didn't see it. Never did, never will. When he would tell me he loved me, he didn't, he is incapable of that emotion, he was just scared I would leave him. We do not owe them anything, it was our misfortune to end up with them, we did not make them that way and all our love, caring, protection, support is just trashed by them because they are incapable of seeing others. 
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mc_terminator
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« Reply #40 on: February 16, 2009, 09:02:51 PM »

communicate often... i just want her to say something good about me, but it never happens. makes me feel like every good thing she did say was a lie, even though i know she meant it in her own way at the beggining. she doesnt say anything bad though, i guesse thats something.
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rponce
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« Reply #41 on: February 17, 2009, 12:22:05 AM »

The last time i see him was in November 22th

He start to try to comunicate with me... December 5th (calls, emails... .etc) until December 24.

After that i had to comunicate with him (through lawyers) back and forward, legal matters ( we own a business together)

He is bothering my friends with calls and emails. but not me.

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« Reply #42 on: February 17, 2009, 01:54:27 AM »

Only divorce-related communication with stbxH in the last 4 weeks.  Thankfully. 

Mostly email -- quite pleasant and businesslike.  Just one phone call last night, same mood -- on speaker phone with a real estate person in re selling the house.

He used the bright Dr. Jekyll voice reserved for his "Outer Circle" of friends, acquaintances. 

The first legal meeting is coming up -- with him, me, the 2 lawyers.

Will probably be quite rough.
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teri
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« Reply #43 on: February 17, 2009, 06:16:08 AM »

Solluna, what you said only continues to re-affirm why I walked away from my exbpbf. Like you, I too was holding on to something of his, till I too, found it silly. There is no hope, and never was. But I am o.k. with that now. Thanks for your post. It is nice to be reminded that we need to be positive and take care of ourselves. It we had been, we never would have been in a situation with a bp person in the first place. I learned, and am still learning but am in a really good place now. Thanks for the inspiration!
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« Reply #44 on: February 17, 2009, 06:24:16 AM »

Last saw him mid December, things went downhill again when i went home, had a blazing row about a week before xmas and it continued through xmas.  We last spoke on the phone 4 weeks ago this Thursday, initiated by him saying we should take 3 weeks and not speak because talking was not helping us at that moment (although he had said this many times and every time i tried, he called.  Or, he would call me immediately after saying he no longer wanted to talk and say he did nto mean it)  This is the first time in 1.5 years that we have not spoken for longer than 5-6 days and i suspect he has met someone else and that is whay he seems to be ok with the NC.  Neither of us has attempted contact in this time.
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veryconfused
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« Reply #45 on: February 17, 2009, 07:02:20 AM »

All communication severed for 4 weeks or more (initiated by BPD).

It was March 2008 that my friend abruptly ended our relationship, the relationship that meant the world to her and she was so unbelievably happy to have been given a second chance.

I was blinded by what I really wanted to see or get out of our renewed friendship, which was a seemingly unconditional love from someone from my childhood.  Obviously that didn't go so well, LOL, but I am glad for the experience so I could finally put the pieces of the puzzle together and grow within and find that understanding.  I am still working on finding peace with it all and still dealing with grief that I still feel occasionally.

My ex did a series of re-engages that I really hadn't considered re-engages since I did not get actual, direct communication from her.  When she first left, she did email me 2 or 3 times within the first 2 weeks but my responses to her were very emotional and I talked a lot about my pain and anger from her actions and needless to say she stopped responding.  She would visit a friend of hers who lives down the street from me quite often, maybe 2-5 times a month.  I saw her drive past my house twice in different rental cars after she wrecked her car, she must have thought she was "hidden."  She emailed me about 1-2 months later and told me that she knew I was doing computer searches on her and insisted she was finished with me and told me to move on, but the really weird thing was that she made this email address up and used my name in it... .it was all a victim ploy, full of projection. 

In late July she drove directly past my house very slowly.  She had very dark, tinted windows and they were rolled down.  In the front seat was a man.  She was trying to make me very jealous of course and it did work.  I went to see her two agonizing weeks later.  She was very narcissistic, dramatic, but was visibly shaking and nervous, which contradicted her narcissistic attitude.  Nothing was gained from the visit other than before I went, I kind of told myself to treat it as a funeral, take one last look at her, touch her once more, say my goodbye's.  I really needed to know 100% that she was BPD, to find out, and I did on that visit and I said my goodbye's to myself.  But I had still hoped that she would restart communication.  She did respond to one brief email I sent, asking me what I wanted. I responded that I didn't know and called and left a few messages for us to just talk.  She did not call back and when I stopped calling and emailing, she wrote back 2 or 3 days later with jargon that didn't answer anything and was meant to give her some control in making sure she was ending it. 

I had journaled and made lists of every single time I had seen her since she ended our relationship in March.  It was astounding once I put it all together and really saw how much I was seeing someone who abruptly ended a relationship and wanted nothing to do with me and I was always seeing her on MY TURF.  She made it possible for her to be in my sights very often.

I prepared to see her on Halloween since that was her first official re-engagement back in 2002 since 1994.  Sure enough she was on my street, following right behind me, as we walked our children.  I said nothing, did not even let her know that I knew she was there.  On Nov. 16th she sent me an email at 2:30 a.m. that said "What the f***" and "God D****It."  It was obvious she hadn't erased me from her email address book since it was emailed to my name, not my email address.   So much for her being done.  I did not respond.

Since then, I still see her around the block.  I miss her.  But I know what is good for me and what isn't.  And I know she is sick.  I'm still grieving, still putting pieces together, and more importantly, still working on myself.  Thanks for listening.
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hard2saybye
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« Reply #46 on: February 17, 2009, 08:20:23 AM »

We have been separated for nearly four months, but other than filling out the disillusion papers have not filed anything yet.  We have two small children and have to interact with their exchanges.  She recently lost her job and has wanted me around more.  There has been no physical contact, hell I sleep on the couch most nights, but have stayed  together.  I am kind of split about it.  I like always having hope, but know that there is no need to dream with her.  She is tolerable to be around, but not the person I need to have in my life.
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Calico123

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« Reply #47 on: February 17, 2009, 12:30:30 PM »

Separation initiated by her. Claimed later she didn't mean it, but I'd tried to leave her for about six months prior to that and was subjected to many re-engages. Continued to re-engagement for many months until I finally sent the email that said "no further contact" after the separation agreement was signed. Then, when I filed for divorce, she took that as an opportunity to get back into it. I had to hire a lawyer, even though our agreement had stated that any divorce would be uncontested. This was a year after separation.

She continued to re-engagement by calling and meeting my mother for another year. She only stopped that when my mother had a medical issue that required assistance and needed a driver. Mother never heard from the ex after that. A further six months after that, she hacked into one of my accounts (I'd changed the password, but forgotten that you could access the ability to change password by knowing the secret word). Luckily I tried to log in a few minutes after she'd changed the password and contacted the institution to change it back. I didn't confront her about it because I knew that's why she'd done it, so I would initiate contact.

Total time length of re-engages, about 2.5 years. I'm still on edge watching out for another one even though it's been a bit more than 4 years since separation.
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texas.moxie
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« Reply #48 on: February 17, 2009, 03:06:11 PM »

We share a house but not a bed.  Not that he hasn't tried... .

BPbf - the Paranoid Drama Queen simply will not leave.

I have made appointments to have the house appraised and to see a lawyer.

If I cannot get him to leave, I will sell the house out from under him- provided I can sell the house for what it is worth in this market.

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Hannahbanana
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« Reply #49 on: February 17, 2009, 03:18:50 PM »

If I cannot get him to leave, I will sell the house out from under him- provided I can sell the house for what it is worth in this market.

There's always someone who will buy a house and a borderline, i reckon you won't get too much extra for the borderline though.
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everyday
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« Reply #50 on: February 17, 2009, 04:06:42 PM »

A)  I have not seen or heard from the heartless wench in 6 ½ months since she terminated   

     our relationship via telephone.  During the first few months I sent several letters which 

     were unanswered.  Have not attempted to contact her in over 4 months and do not plan

     to do so.  When my perspective changed from seeing her as someone who endured a

     difficult childhood to someone who is a successful, highly functional abuser, the love I

     felt for her turned gradually to embitterment.

B) The 3 biggest challenges for me initially were:

        1.   Accepting that it was actually over.

        2.   Accepting that she never really loved me, in spite of her declarations and promises.

        3.   Keeping myself from calling her or knocking on her door – which I managed to do   

             with the help of this board.

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deb123

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« Reply #51 on: February 17, 2009, 04:17:12 PM »

been nc four months, besides court paperwork. final court date march 27. she left while i was out of town, she has not attempted contact and i havent either besides serving  her court paperwork. she walked away from relationship and decided to drop out of college. and wants me to pay for her student loans, and a upside down car loan of hers. we were legally two months and no i have spent four months trying to get court date and this over. i have to admit life is better and she has not come around.things are good.
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Winded

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« Reply #52 on: February 17, 2009, 10:56:29 PM »

Two weeks ago was the last night we spent together and the last time I saw her.  We did not have sex.  We had a falling out because I mentioned that I was going to visit her later that week and she freaked out (I think because she had plans with another man).  The next morning there was another argument and she walked away from me.  She now refuses to answer my calls and emails.  I have tried to initiate contact but she has just cut me out completely.  I am sure that about six months from now I will be thankful she did, but I am struggling with it.  The last time she did this she came back weeks later because she needed something from me.  I have seen what she has done to another person's life and I think that I am lucky to get away with just a heartache.  Still, I have found it so difficult to accept that she will never change.  I know inside she won't, but my heart is killing me and that heart belongs to an optimist.  As I was writing this, I just glanced down and saw "everyday's" post, about the 3 biggest challenges.  Yup!  No doubt about it - those challenges are my challenges too.
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texas.moxie
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« Reply #53 on: February 18, 2009, 07:34:14 AM »

Excerpt
There's always someone who will buy a house and a borderline, i reckon you won't get too much extra for the borderline though.

I have a vision leap to mind from the movie "Oliver" - where they are walking through the streets of London singing "Boy, boy for Sale!'

Thanks for the giggle.
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Limelight
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« Reply #54 on: February 19, 2009, 07:22:08 PM »

Hi Skip,

This survey does not apply to my situation - my BPDH and I are still together, dramatic ups and downs but still hanging on in there - Limelight
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Beast98
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« Reply #55 on: February 22, 2009, 11:48:13 AM »

She moved back in to my house a week ago after being gone 5 1/2 months. It's been very strange but I have been applying what I've learned wherever I can. But my confidence is low. I'd say it's 50/50 if she lasts another week.
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pinkangel
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« Reply #56 on: February 24, 2009, 10:56:47 PM »

I had to communicate with him due to severing our work relationship... a painful three weeks to sign one piece of paper... .bur all communicarions since Jan. 16th have been text or email or not at all. I have responded only to Work issues and finally turned it over to my attorney on 2/3. So for the last two weeks I have not responded to anything. His last attempt was a "Happy Valentines Day"... I didn't respond. We ended our work and text obligation on Friday the 20th... .I told him Goodbye and I meant for real b/c I don't plan on ever responding to him again. He asked me to talk to him ... I didn't respond. I haven't spokken to him for three weeks and I don't plan to ever text or communicate with him again.

He wrote me ... Goodbye... for now... .whatever the heck that means... .I don't know what that even means... but I meant Goodbye for good... .I too am thankful for all the support on this board. I would not be where I am without it... .
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pinkangel
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« Reply #57 on: February 24, 2009, 11:04:06 PM »

Can anyone tell me why the heck he text me "Goodbye For now" ... .what is that? Does he actually think I'm not going away? Is it his way to not be inreality that I am actually saying Goodbye and I have no intention of answering his calls, tezt, emails or anything ever again? Why doesn't he get the message? I've made it pretty clear from forcing him out of my company to making him work with my attorney to not responding to his three times a day message... .I'm thinking of you this morning, i'm thinking of you this afternoon... .I'm thinking of you this evneing... .bla bla bla... while he still has a girlfriend... .he sends me "Happy Valentines' Day" are you ever going to speak to me... .bla bla... .Does he not get it... .I tezt him basically GOODBYE and GOODLUCK after he signed the work termination and release papers... .and he sends me back "Goodbye for now... ." ... .CRAZy... .What is that? I don't get it? Maybe I dont get the way they are wired... .someone please add some clarity?
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jointery
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« Reply #58 on: February 25, 2009, 08:05:38 AM »

Separated since February 15, 2008.  February 14 (Valentines Day 2008 was her split day... .)  She had just came out of the hospital after a 1 week stay for a mental break down.  After I had called her family and said she was having a relapse and I needed their help, she called them and and said that I had been beating her and her son... .  She also said that I was the reason for her breakdown.  In fear that she would put me in jail for doemstic violence (again), I moved out.  FYI, the charges were dropped in the initial DV case as 'no' violence (verbal or otherwise) had occurred.   

After moving out, I initially attempted to see my daughter who is now 18 mo (6 mo at the time I moved out).  Due to the ugliness, I eventually stopped interacting with her.  I have not seen my daughter in almost 10 months and will likely not see her for many years.  I just can't take the torment and threats from her mother... . 

This week I sent my stbx's family a couple of articles from this site along with an invitation to join.  As anticipated, without regard for my suggestion that they seek professional help, they told my stbx and the ugly emails started.  As a result I blocked her email and have had a new phone number for about a month.  NC seems to be helping me move on. 

Our divorce trial date is 4/3/09.  It is long overdue and I am anxious to get the final decree.  No real property just child support and visitation which has me a bit anxious.  About two weeks ago I had to release my attorney because I have no job.  I am optomistic that all will be ok and looking forward to moving forward.
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kly
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« Reply #59 on: February 25, 2009, 06:42:35 PM »

Broke-up with BPDbf October 2008 after briefly dating. I immediately went no contact.  He has continued to re-engage--to the point of stalking--since then. 

I have maintained NC.  Am documenting everything. 


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G.J.
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« Reply #60 on: February 28, 2009, 12:10:16 AM »

"We cohabitated or slept together in last 4 weeks."

I ended things with him for the 3rd and FINAL time on Feb 10th. Sent him an email on the 11th. I have been NC since. He has sent me 2 emails asking to meet so he can get the things he left at my place. I did not respond, and mailed him all of his things today with no note enclosed. (It only took so long because I've been out of town.)

We'll see what happens. In the past, he has refused to leave me alone. Maybe I'll get luckier this time... .
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mc_terminator
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« Reply #61 on: April 12, 2009, 01:32:08 PM »

have been no contact for about a month and a half now. it was hard to begin with and i felt pretty low but now im feeling alot better, my heads alot clearer, more intouch with reality... it took about a year out of my life but i do not regret it, ive learned  invaluble things about myself and relationships... i should of never of been giving that much of myself so quick... to anyone, let alone a depraved mentalist spawn of satan! i think the people i find attractive now has completely sswitched around... healthy, sweet, cute, and giving off good vibes never really used to do alot for me... .now its definately what im after! the sick needy moody ones can please stay the away from me!

im kind of glad that i initiated the no contact to... she definately got the message and when the inevitable happens and she re-engages im  hitting that delete button!
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MxMan
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« Reply #62 on: July 15, 2009, 10:46:39 AM »

hoping i selected the right choice (no contact 4 weeks or more, separation initiated be BPD). The break-up was initially her decision & amicable at first, but I kicked her out after finding out about infidelities. The intense re-engaging began after that. lots of calls lots of emails until I went NC and put blocks on phone and email.
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figurin things out
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« Reply #63 on: July 15, 2009, 10:47:50 AM »

We're on day 3 of NC. He moved out 3 days ago, so everything is very raw right now. I'm hurting quite a bit so I'm sticking to this board and some other techniques NOT to draw myself into a re-engagement.

So "We cohabitated or slept together in the last 4 days, nevermind 4 weeks"! But it's been 4 years in coming... .

The break-up was his idea, I could never get myself off of that drug - I swear I'm addicted to that poisonous relationship.
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MaybeSo
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Players only love you when they're playing...


« Reply #64 on: July 15, 2009, 11:24:11 AM »

ON FEb 16 of this year... .I was still broken up w/ bf and repsonded to this post... .I talk about my co-dep tendancies and how nice it is to be away from his incessent negative complaining... .

By March I was back with him again, giving it yet another try... .

Today is July 15 and I'm attempting No Contact and have moved everything of mine out of his house, have only had one short phone chat, otherwise no contact since July 3rd when I walked out.

Crazy.
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freshstart12
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« Reply #65 on: July 15, 2009, 12:21:29 PM »

My BPDxbf broke up with me a little over a month ago and the last I heard from him was an e-mail about two weeks ago. I tried calling him after reading it but he didn't answer. Nothing since. Most of the time I'm certain I'll never hear from him again, followed immediately by thoughts of, ":)on't count on it - he'll probably come back when you least expect it."

Hardest darn thing I've ever been through and I want him to call every day. I know though that the longer it takes him to re-engagement (which I have to assume he will at some point) the more time that gives me to get to where I need to be in order to say no when he does come back around. It's like a race against a clock that may or may not have started ticking!

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« Reply #66 on: July 15, 2009, 01:05:27 PM »

My uBPDxbf and I only broke up a short time ago.   We *have* to be on a good communication ground with each other somehow, because we now work in the same industry, and professional communications are an essential.  (I got a decent job offer and took it.)

So, tonight, we are going to try and work the communication boundaries out like adults, over dinner.   

I don't hold out any hopes of getting back together, as I've discovered that (a) casual dating can be fun when done with other people and (b) that I was right... my cat *does* make more sense than my xbf ever would!   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #67 on: September 22, 2009, 11:43:53 AM »

Where are you in your relationship today?

All communication severed  except for divorce/custody communications  (separation initiated by me)

Thanks for the followup.

I.S.
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canadaguy98
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« Reply #68 on: September 22, 2009, 01:41:09 PM »

broke up just over a week ago, decided to be friends, during that time i figured out that she had been cheating on me exactly as I thought, we went NC as of last thursday
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« Reply #69 on: November 30, 2009, 12:38:07 PM »

Other category reasons;

We are living in the same house which is also our business. Lived together 8 years joint ownership of property & business

Separation initiated by me.

Have maintained NC for 6 weeks (we are living in separate ends of the house)  Me avoiding getting sucked into debates, arguments, whole plethora of manipulations the list of these is truly mind bogglingly awesome. He gets ignored or very curt answers to questions.  I leave a room when he walks in. I a manage the business side of things, and am managing the house sale. housing market very depressed at the moment so may be in for a bit of a wait.

Trying to focus on this stage as not so  awful, gives me time to rest & heal, pause before the next set of hurdles. Putting LOTS of time and energy into doing things I love, enjoying the freedom of not being mind, body & thought controlled. Keeping fingers crossed he will quickly find another person to attach himself to ( gives me the guilts this thought, hopefully she will have the sense to enjoy the honeymoon stage then move on)

CW
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« Reply #70 on: December 02, 2009, 07:02:04 AM »

Interesting Poll Skip.
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« Reply #71 on: February 02, 2010, 04:36:46 PM »

All communication severed 4 weeks or more  (separation initiated by me). Day #78 NC (5 text re-engages from her - did not respond to) and inertia is growing each day.
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TonyC
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« Reply #72 on: February 02, 2010, 04:38:18 PM »

who?
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lifeisgoodx10
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« Reply #73 on: February 02, 2010, 04:51:41 PM »

We were seeing each other maybe once every other week and yes we have had sex once in the last four weeks. His drunken phone rage spurred the decision to go completely NC. I was putting off the inevitable.  I left him in June of '09 and our divorce was final September. I was NC for several weeks (in fact over two months) unti he showed up at my door crying and begging. It has now been 12 solid days NC. And today has been the worst day of those twelve.
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« Reply #74 on: February 03, 2010, 10:39:31 AM »

No contact since December 17, 2009.  48 days or about 6 weeks.  Last meeting was my infamous 'birthday dinner' were she served me her full BPD rage that night.  Her actions finally confirmed what I suspected all along, that she may be suffering under BPD. In hint sight, she made NC easy for me.

- Ciao
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« Reply #75 on: February 03, 2010, 10:44:04 AM »

Nonexistent!

Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #76 on: April 25, 2010, 09:14:12 AM »

 

Excerpt
Other (if you can't fit it above, please explain in a post) 



 

I left the marital home June 1, 2009. Divorce was final September 17, 2009. All communication severed over three months ago. I'm having a rough time now for about 4 days. I've been ruminating and having crazy BP dreams about xbph.
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DAS
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« Reply #77 on: April 25, 2010, 09:24:30 AM »

Mine is tricky. I kicked her out March 17th and the last message I send to her was on the following weekend. She has subsequently sent me two messages - which I have not read - and shown up with her new guy in two places it was reasonably sure I would be. Not sure if she actually saw me but I certainly saw them. But I picked 4 weeks severed iniated by me.
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« Reply #78 on: April 25, 2010, 09:35:56 PM »

slept together a week or so ago, spent some time with him recently but no sex, I think I am making progress
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« Reply #79 on: April 26, 2010, 01:11:01 AM »

We have been limited contact for almost six months.

I contacted him last week (email) about a legal matter we need to address, his response was two words. It is hard to settle the issue when he won't communicate about the terms of the agreement.

I decided to send a registered letter and fulfill my legal obligation, after that, I'm done.

There will be no more reason for limited contact and we will be completely N/C.

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Honeybee
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« Reply #80 on: April 26, 2010, 07:43:56 PM »

5 weeks and 3 days no contact.  He started again with his "I don't know if this is what I want" crap which has happened at least 20 times, probably more in the past five years. I broke it off officially (for at least the 20th time). We maintained contact for two months. He started seeing someone else and the day after I found out, I changed my number, blocked facebook/email.

I also would like to thank this site and everyone on it. I have never felt so committed to maintain NC, and no doubt I would have texted him weeks ago if not for this place.
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« Reply #81 on: May 27, 2010, 09:23:18 AM »

In the poll, I selected Other.  This is because HE (not WE as the poll selection states) has continued to try to make contact with me via e-mail and phone calls to friends/family.  I have not responded.  The separation/leaving was initiated by me.  I left nearly three months ago.  The last time he tried to make contact with me was via telephone last Friday afternoon (May 21).
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« Reply #82 on: October 20, 2010, 11:02:06 AM »

I am currently cohabitating with uBPDw. Things are not going to work out and I am working on timing. I need the divorce documents signed and I can't have her rage and smear - so I need to push her to the point where she is miserable (all the time) but specifically with the relationship so when I suggest leaving I a black and she feels she is better off on her own.
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« Reply #83 on: October 20, 2010, 11:08:42 AM »

I clicked "Other" so for further explanation:

• Got married in March of this year, and I left him about 5 weeks ago

• Limited contact, only about "practical" matters (ie. a cell phone purchased on my eBay account that he had to return, some DVDs of his that I had... .that kind of thing)

• I would describe us as "separated and estranged"
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« Reply #84 on: September 01, 2011, 05:40:43 PM »

Was in couples counseling with BPD/Trauma specialist and making minor headway and I realized what a LOONG road I was looking at even IF the therapy continued to be helpful.

I threw in the towel July 16 and have been NC since. No contact from his end either (unusual but merciful).

Don't feel anywhere near as bad as I did in the first break up two years ago. Certainly have no urge to contact or reconnect. The disease finally ran its course.
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« Reply #85 on: September 02, 2011, 10:18:14 AM »

Mine is more than four weeks NC but ending doesn't fit in these categories. He started new r/s and I sensed it and wouldn't meet him at a conference--had to deal with my mother's end of life issues. Then his r/s blew up and he wanted me back and I said "No." but the ending was happening on both sides in a messy way.

Diotima
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« Reply #86 on: September 04, 2011, 06:59:59 PM »

We are in complete N/C with the exception of one legal matter. There is no communication but we have a third party that handles the situation. The third party and I never discuss the issue, I just send information. That is all.

C
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« Reply #87 on: September 04, 2011, 08:45:00 PM »

NC since beginning of June - and no urge to contact. He has tried contact through friends on more than one occassion since then - there reply "She is fantastic" and thats it - much to his surprise.
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« Reply #88 on: September 05, 2011, 04:14:25 PM »

She was NC for almost four weeks (this includes with her children) then out of the blue she emails me to ask for more of the stuff she has left here and to say she wants to be in the kids' lives--but again tries to make me the responsible party for her involvement, saying she has no money, would prefer I called her for the kids, etc.

I responded to say I would be happy to drop off more of her stuff as I would be passing through on the weekend, and that some of the things she was requesting were in boxes I had dropped off months ago. I stopped and carried her stuff in, there was no drama; it took all of ten minutes.

I later replied to the rest of her message and sent a polite-but-uncompromising email about her seeing/contacting the kids (ie: her responsibility to do her half). No response, so no contact again for a week now despite the claimed desire to get involved. Noticing this professed desire to see the kids is cyclical, every couple months she brings it up, followed by (excuses and) no actual action.
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« Reply #89 on: September 05, 2011, 05:03:56 PM »

Oh and this week marks 7 weeks NC. No contact from him although he lives 3 miles away.

It's really the first time he's respected my wishes... .ever.
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« Reply #90 on: September 05, 2011, 07:33:24 PM »

NC since December of 2010, was rough for a couple of months, now could never go back:)
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« Reply #91 on: May 01, 2012, 03:26:25 AM »

Holy necro-poll, batman! Way to bring back a still relevant thread. I guess the topic is still relevant, as there has been no instant cure for BPD since this poll first started.

I am longing for NC, but with a 1 year old son that probably won't happen for a while. She demanded I move out, trashed my reputation, destroyed my property, and is holding my son hostage. Whenever she is angry, I don't get to see my son at all. Hence, suing for full custody. And no, we are not sleeping together, but I try to be as nice as possible so she doesn't get upset and cut off time with my son. No choice but to kiss her evil behind until we go to court. Can't wait to present the truth about her before the judge and her parents.
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GreenMango
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« Reply #92 on: May 01, 2012, 03:48:16 AM »

Holy necro-poll, batman! Way to bring back a still relevant thread.

It's a classic... .what can I say.  It's good to know where people are at  Smiling (click to insert in post)

And, if you were on here from it's first go around it's good to see where you are at now.   

-GM
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« Reply #93 on: May 01, 2012, 04:13:42 AM »

NC for almost 6 weeks after she confirmed a new man that replaced me (long-distance guy with kids). Only contact was from her with with two txt messages about 1.1/2 weeks ago (inconsequential thanking me stuff for helping her thru her mums stuff & a follow up txt same day "BTW, hope you well ad that your life is good!" I deleted them with no response.

I dont need to see her as we had no kids together and i lived with her and her 2 amazing kids for the last two mths of the r/s... .She kickedme out in a rage and i found out after that she remet this guy when he was in our city 4 days before she kicked me out... .As she kept re-engaaging initailly whilst fostering her LD r/s with this guy and lied and denied it I eventually told her I never wanted to speak to her agian in any way or to see her... .NC works for me... I am strong but do miss her and yet i dont miss the abuse and crap that she went on with.


She does not kow where I an living and can only txt or call to which I would not respond anyway... Maybe she is getting the message OR is just blissfully in her honeymoon LD r/s phase and that works for her?

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« Reply #94 on: June 21, 2012, 09:48:14 PM »

Rooftop,

Getting stronger and seeing the history/patterns in the relationship can help to maintain a more healthy place for yourself.

I hope it's going well.

GM
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rooftop
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« Reply #95 on: June 22, 2012, 04:22:16 AM »

Rooftop,

Getting stronger and seeing the history/patterns in the relationship can help to maintain a more healthy place for yourself.

I hope it's going well.

GM

Hi GM- I am very happy and in a great place now... .NC from the ex in almost 2mths since her voice MSG that I didn't answer OR return...

I have met someone amazing and we are taking it slowly but she is just an amazing woman and so grounded and real... I am in a blissful state now... .HEALED, not fully as will still take time... .but my new woman helps me through it all and knows about all of my past and I hers as she comes from a great FOO and has so many wonderful friends in her life...

Thanks for checking on me... .this site has been a godsend for me and was like a best friend during my arm times of 3months ago...

  Rooftop
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gettingoverit
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« Reply #96 on: September 04, 2012, 11:15:24 AM »

There is no status. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). I have been NC since July of 2011. It was broken when my ex and her replacement showed up at my door at Christmas time, after I went right back to NC. I have been dating a really awesome woman for seven months now, who like rooftop comes from a pretty decent FOO (who's is perfect right?), and who consistantly shows that she is woman of integrity and honor. I couldn't ask for more... especially after living with lies, lies and more lies with my uBPDxgf. As for my ex, she is now married to my replacement, and hopefully they will be moving out of the province soon, so I will never have to deal with that crazy psycho again! Yeah!  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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flatspin
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« Reply #97 on: June 11, 2013, 07:53:58 AM »

Divorced since last December. I was waiting for a mail from the court in order to communicate the judgement to me so I can have much needed closure at last but it seems that that's not the way things are done in the USA. I was waiting in vain. Lately, I tried to get to the Court website from France in order to have a copy of the divorce sent to me but I have error messages whereas one of my friends in the USA can have access to it without problems. He sent me screen captures of the judgment page. Hope that I can pay online from France otherwise I'm in a fix to get a copy of the judgment through mail once I can find a way to access the website without problems.
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Validation78
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« Reply #98 on: June 12, 2013, 04:53:18 AM »

After a 5 month separation with very LC, via email only, and no talk of the relationship by me, our divorce was final last Tuesday. I am glad to have it behind me, and am ready to continue to work on myself with the support of friends and family. It was very hard at first, and was not long at all before I realized how much better my life is without him. There was never a desire to go back to what was clearly dysfunctional and detrimental to my wellbeing.

Now that our business together is done, so are "we". I wish him well, hope he finds what he wants in his life, and lives happily ever after. I don't hate him, not even close. I just don't want to know anything about him, and I sure don't want to see him or speak to him. Not because I'm angry. It's because I lived with drama and disorder long enough. It's not part of who I am or want to be, and I know this will always be what his life is, and I'll have no part of it, for my own good. He'll never understand this, and I will never try to explain it. He is not my friend, and there's just no point in maintaining any contact for me, and I won't. If he contacts me now, or in the future, I will not respond. I know myself well enough to know that doing so could put me right back where I was, and I'm too far away from there to ever go back!

Best Wishes,

Val78
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« Reply #99 on: June 12, 2013, 09:26:20 AM »

I've voted "All communication severed 4 weeks or more  (separation initiated by me)".

On the 22nd of this month, it'll be 6 months since I last spoke to him.

Not since I heard from him, thanks to 'pocketcalls', prodding at friends, commenting and butting into my conversations with mutual friends etc.

But it'll be 6 months since I communicated with him in any way, shape and form. And I fully intend to keep NC.

I feel the same way about him as Validation78 does about her ex. I lived with the crazymaking, the drama, the pain, the sorrow, the hopes, the busted bubbles that always followed a good day and all the rest for WAY too long. It nearly killed me, literally.

And I have absolutely no reason to ever invite that kind of insanity back into my life, not even when my healing is done!
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Mr Hollande
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« Reply #100 on: September 07, 2014, 05:35:45 PM »

She introduced my replacement with glee in early May and I have not contacted her since. I have not blocked her in any way and although we are not friends on FB she can still see my wall. She's called several times and I've put the phone down without a word except twice where we spoke briefly and my response was cold hostility. I've had several PM's from her on FB which remain unopened. It should be about a month since I last heard from her. I know she's looking and is trying to find out how I am and what I'm up to and what little she knows comes from the scraps I feed her via my FB. I am firmly in control of that propaganda war and I take a certain joy from that. I have not forgiven her and I never will. I hate her.
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« Reply #101 on: September 08, 2014, 05:31:16 PM »

Other. It has been almost two years since we have seen each other face to face or even spoken on the phone. We have maintained sporadic email contact. We resumed being FB friends this past February, and we each occasionally "like" a photo or post by the other. He sometimes comments on a post of mine. I never comment on his. He does use FB to try to elicit specific responses from me, but I don't take the bait. It has become a pseudo-relationship in my opinion.
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« Reply #102 on: September 09, 2014, 04:51:28 AM »

Interesting results.  The nons appear to be in the lead with initiating NC, which is sad really.  The behaviour of the pwBPD sparks the abandonment they so greatly fear in the first place.
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« Reply #103 on: September 09, 2014, 06:15:37 AM »

Other for me too:  All communication severed 4 weeks or more  (the idea of separation/divorce just seemed to evolve by itself, but then I took the ball and stumbled forward with it in my confused and distressed state.  I had reached burnout and subconsciously I realised that I needed to end the relationship for my own sanity).  We went separate ways end of March 2014, the divorce date was end June 2014.  ExBPDh last contacted me beginning of August via email to try to revise the terms of the divorce (supposedly in my favour, ie. that we agree to waive the monthly sum of money I will be paying him for the next months), which I read but did not respond to.  I have already paid a large sum of money in legal fees to get the divorce finalised, and to revise the terms in the divorce decree will only let him suck me back into engaging with him, and cost me even more money.  He can take the monthly donation that I am making to him for as long as it lasts.  It is ok with me.  I had to offer him something in order to help him move on and out of my life.  He did not even have the money to buy a bus ticket.
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Take2
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« Reply #104 on: September 09, 2014, 06:25:36 AM »

We have  communicated in the last 4 weeks (but none of the above)

I work with him.  It's incredibly hard to not communicate because of that.  Admittedly, I've been a huge part of that problem.  But have finally been able to get the okay as of today to work from home a couple days a week to help get away from him and be able to keep my job which is incredibly flexible.  I anticipate a reaction today when he realizes I'm not there and can't control me.

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« Reply #105 on: September 09, 2014, 11:06:16 AM »

Have not spoken to her in a loong time. Thank God.

Was initiated by her though, once she started seeing my boyfriend she blocked me on all social media, didn't care about me and certainly didn't support me at all. Spiteful witch.
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« Reply #106 on: August 06, 2015, 12:43:41 PM »

Other.  All communication severed after divorce, 4 years ago.  We have two children, D20 and S14.  She gave up custody of our son who at the time was 11, in a heartbeat.  I gave her VERY limited visitation, once per week for 2 hours and a half day on Thanksgiving and a half day on Christmas.  That's it.  She has never even asked for the two holidays and has never spent more than one hour at a time with our son, and that was only about once a month.  She has since moved to another state (6 months now) and hasn't bothered to even call to talk to him and rarely texts.  Our daughter has severed all contact with her.
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« Reply #107 on: August 08, 2015, 04:41:09 PM »

I was discarded on June 16th.  Since then, I've received a card from her, along with three shirts she borrowed from me.  On the day I received the card, in which she wrote that I may not contact her or her boyfriend, I sent her a "thank you" text and received a reply.  She sent three replies to various texts, while ignoring others.  Then, she stopped replying completely.  I sent her an informational text the next day and asked her not to reply.  Earlier this week, I sent her a text, asking her if I could e-mail her with some questions, and she replied, "No."  I then told her to block me, so I'm not tempted to text her anymore. 
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So when will this end it goes on and on/Over and over and over again/Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop/Till I step down from this for good - Lifehouse "Sick Cycle Carousel"
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« Reply #108 on: August 08, 2015, 05:15:49 PM »

All communication severed 4 weeks or more  (separation initiated by me)

Drove away from a decade of friendship in early June and haven't looked back. The hardest part was when she wrote a sincere and clear-headed apology letter. When I didn't respond she even reached out to my parents and brother. Nope. I still get silent calls and texts here and there, but they do not bother me anymore.

I know that I can contact her again once I am ready. Time to continue healing and re-discovering myself!
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« Reply #109 on: August 08, 2015, 09:57:06 PM »

Not a peep since January. Her friend briefly added the deadded me right before my birthday in April. She's long gone!
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« Reply #110 on: August 08, 2015, 11:50:42 PM »

All communication severed 4 weeks or more (separation initiated by BPD)

Although I may have misunderstood - the relationship was ended by my exBPDbf, but the NC was initiated by me.

We were in low contact for almost a year after the breakup. Then I found out that he was engaged. Given that he'd been sending me yearning emails and even a poem he wrote about me (he's not a poem-writing type guy), I couldn't continue communicating with him knowing that he had pledged himself to another. That's not fair to her, to me, or to him.

And no, I have no intention of communicating with his fiancee. She's most likely already realized that something's off. They've been together since before we broke up 1 1/2 years ago, I found out (I knew he had someone else at the end but he implied later that it was over). She'll either stay with him or she won't, he'll either stay with her or he won't. I don't wish either of them any ill, but I do feel quite sorry for his fiancee - he's difficult to be in a relationship with, and if he ends it, well, he always does so badly. I hope he finds some measure of peace and happiness; he's one of the most tortured people I've ever met, and I really frigging hate that for him, because it has to be miserable.

If he contacted me in a neutral fashion, I would respond. But although I will probably always love him, even if he were single, I want nothing to do with him romantically. We're perfectly horrible for each other. We both deserve a chance to be happy and healthy.
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« Reply #111 on: January 16, 2018, 02:12:00 PM »

I opened this out of curiosity, certain that my status would fit into one of the more "negative" options, and instead I had to mark "slept together within last 4 weeks." Perspective. (Been no contact for three weeks.)
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