Your therapist is correct - this is her issue.  However there are a few things you can potentially do on your end too but it involves sharing your feelings and putting stronger boundaries in place - both are difficult.

My wife constantly was bringing up items like this - sometimes from 20 years ago.  I did my therapy work and explained to her my feelings something like this: people make mistakes, I am not perfect.  It makes me feel bad that you are continuing to bring it up my mistakes after I have genuinely apologized.   It makes me feel that I am not safe emotionally and I can’t make mistakes with you and grow as a person.  When you continue to bring up my mistakes from the past it makes me feel  … etc.  … what can we do to change this situation?  I will make mistakes, and I want to feel emotionally safe around you and grow towards you - not be afraid of making a mistake and start withdrawing from you …. (Then listen with empathy and validate her feelings - this step is crucial - use the SET methodology)

Then set a boundary:   I no longer want to feel this way.   I want to feel respected, and I want to feel I am allowed to make mistakes and learn from them, and that each mistake I make will not be brought up for the rest of my life.  I don’t want to live in a world where all of my mistakes will be perpetually brought up, and definitely not from someone from someone who I need to be my biggest cheerleader and encourager.   I want to live with a partner that knows I am not perfect and I will make mistakes, and won’t be punished for them forever.   I want to live and grow into in the future - not continuously relive the dark parts of my past.  I am unable to change how you feel about “x.”  I feel I have tried everything I can, and I can’t change the past.   How you feel about “X” I realize now is out of my capability to change.   I need to let go of trying to control how you feel.   I can only control how I feel.  So - if you choose to bring it up again, I will choose to … (pick something….change the subject, stop the conversation and leave the room for 5 mins to decide how we will proceed to come back and talk… etc).  I can appreciate that what I did hurt you deeply, and I acknowledge my role and have taken accountability.  Now for my feelings I need to move forward, and not discuss it again. (It is important that the boundary consequence is proportional, and something 100% in your control to implement and it doesn’t require her participation at all.)

Optional:  …I feel that this is hard for you to let go of these feelings, and I feel you are struggling from the hurt I caused…. I care about you and I don’t want you to feel this way.  I will 100% support you in helping you move forward too so we can be closer.  If you feel it is too hard to let go of this hurt and not bring it up again I am willing to support you in talking this out with someone more qualified than me on how to manage these difficult feelings…etc. (counselor etc..)

Hope this prompts some ideas…

you are in a relationship that you are actively working to avoid attaching to?

times of calm are some of the most important times to get support, rather than just putting out fires, theyre the time to build and reinforce the environment these relationships need to thrive.


people with bpd traits are highly sensitive people. this is a feature, not a bug; a hallmark of loving someone with bpd traits.

they are easily upset, easily slighted, easily wounded. they react disproportionately.


it may be something youre doing (its not like our loved ones are never upset with us for a reason). it may be something youre doing that shes overreacting to. it may be something youre not doing. it may be that shes stressed (people with bpd traits dont react well to stress) and it takes less to set her off at a given time.

i think the important thing is to know that high sensitivity, and a tendency to react disproportionately (even if the response is justified), are probably a part of her, like the built in things about us that we all bring to relationships. its important, in any relationship, to be mindful of our loved ones sensitivities, but its also important not to let our lives revolve around them, or to walk on eggshells.

in other words, her "getting upset with you for things that you find unreasonable" is probably going to happen. ideally, as you strengthen your relationship, it may happen less often, or when it does happen, it may be diffused more quickly, or not be made worse.

it will be made worse if your mental health is crashing, if youre always walking on eggshells, or you take up a permanent defensive posture. these relationships are "special needs" relationships. they require a lot of strength, for us to be at our best, and for us to be able to navigate and roll with the punches, so to speak. you can be mindful of your loved ones tendencies and sensitivities, and you can develop the skills here to better navigate them, but in doing so, youll find that its necessary to balance those things with living and loving authentically.

Thank you all for sharing your stories and perspectives. I'll answer this question first.


I think that feeling ready is both realistic and unrealistic at the same time. My recent thoughts about this is that maybe I will never reach a point when I feel ready all the time, but maybe part of the time. And during that time I do it, and when I feel conflicting emotions, I just wait it out and work out practical things? Is that realistic?

I feel that as soon as I'd be out of her space, I would probably free up some energy. That's what I feel when I'm at work - capable. When I'm with her - conflicted.

I almost feel that even if leaving would be a mistake, I'd be fine with that.


Despite all this, I'm not sure I will be able to do it. I don't know exactly where the hesitation comes from or why it is so strong.

That is the apology. It's not a satisfactory apology but the "acting as if nothing happened" - I call it the "dry erase board apology"- is the kind of behavior my BPD mother does too. A true apology would require being accountable for her behavior which isn't something my mother tends to do.

What happened with your mother and GF was more about your mother than your GF- it was triangulation. Your mother is sensing a change- your devotion to the GF and the new baby- is a normal developmental step for you, to shift your affections towards a partner and family. It's a wonderful thing but also possibly to someone with BPD a sign that there's less attention to them. My BPD mother seems to be more critical of the females in my father's family. I know that doesn't make logical sense as we can both love parents and a spouse but it seems to be a common situation.

The bottom line though is that your mother was out of line. You are a grown man, about to be a father, and this is your home.  However, your mother also may have a disorder and is not likely to change. You and your GF are going to have to decide how to navigate a relatioship with her. Your GF also has a say in this- this is her home and her child too. I think it would help her if she learned about BPD- not because it's her responsibility but to help her understand that if BPD mother says something offensive- it's more likely disordered thinking on the part of your mother. Your GF doesn't have to tolerate it- but it may help her to not take your mother's comments personally.

You and your GF will need to come up with some boundaries about your relationship with your mother. I'd base it on her behavior- not if she comes up with a satisfactory apology. The boundary could be "I don't wish to talk about my GF behind her back" and so you don't engage if she tries that.

It's not about the child, it's the relationship you are concerned about. This is one more situation where there's a demand you don't agree with.

Gerda said it well:  this is making you feel pressured to make a decision about your relationship faster than you feel comfortable with, but sometimes these things are also opportunities to give us some more clarity about the situation.

I do think this is where it's at - focusing on the fact that you do deserve so much better than that. Little morsels and breadcrumbs (messages and contact of any sort) that provide a bit of a dopamine hit - but really serve to prevent you from moving on and being happy, and prevent him from being emotionally available in his current relationship.

Without being certain of his intentions, it's possible he was just using contact with you as a means to not have to focus fully on the demands of intimacy in his current relationship. It's an escape for him in a way. And allows him to stay in the relationship with one foot out as it were...

The resource I mentioned before - the personal development school, you might find it interesting to look at the fearful avoidant attachment. And how they operate in relationships. I think fearful avoidant attachment is like a dulled-down version of BPD. And some experts think that all borderlines will have a fearful avoidant attachment (though there are definitely different opinions on this). Either way, it all makes sense as to why people keep in touch with ex-partners when you look at it through an attachment lens (it's usually an avoidant tactic to avoid true emotional intimacy)... and why we put up with breadcrumbs when you look at it through an attachment lens (because we feel like we have to earn and work for love rather than it just being given)... and that is one of the places where the healing can happen.

I'm saying this whilst also being in the same space as you. Needing to connect again with who I am and remembering what I deserve... you sound like such a lovely person and although I wish it were a simple thing to tell someone that they deserve so much more and it's better to just cut contact and walk away, heal and find someone else... I do understand and empathise so deeply with how hard this is in practice at times.

Do we all get it wrong? I know I do, but your words, Pook, are spot on. I think you get it right most of the time.

You describe my pwBPD in your description. If I had only known these things 35 years ago, I think my history with my partner would be less turbulent. We are very close, when I have not slipped, triggering her worst fear, even after 35 years. 

During the smooth times, times I am diffusing the daily jabs or attacks, I stop visiting this board. I need to make this part of my routine. During the peaceful time, I think, how could I even think she is a pwBPD, look at how well we are getting along. Well, I can think it...because it's true! Reading what you wrote describes my wife exactly. In need to respond in a way that honors my limits while being reassuring her I love her.

This reassurance is the great challenge. In typical relationships substantial time in a loving partnership is sufficient. With people like my wife, everyday I must prove my love. Even though "I've done this for 35 years now" she says, "but that doesn't mean it will happen today." We, the partners, have tremendous power, we must use it properly.

The agony of living with a highly functional pwBPD is that I cannot even tell my wife I keep something to help me find the right mindset everyday. Doing so would trigger her flawed - rejected - etc cycle. 

Virtually all of our friends are people we seen very infrequently, who often live in other states or, even, countries. Still, all of them see my wife as the kindest, most accepting, generous person they know. Telling them I keep such a list would elicit laughter.

The few people who know my experience are my children and other family who have lived with us for a week or more on vacation.

So much of what you say make so much sense. I feel like I made some great progress myself and with her this week by accepting her, regardless. I realized what an impact it had on her when I indicate that her behavior is upsetting me (such a paradox because I only EVER get upset when she is yelling at me). 

So, this is my new approach. Yes, set limits, walk away when she breaks the little ones, but always remember that she needs to feel accepted, every moment of every day. She seems to have no reserve from the 35 years we have been together. 

Today, I hit a major stumbling block because our therapist was pushing me to communicate more about what was upsetting about various interactions. I said I understand how I need to simply accept so that my wife does not feel flawed. The therapist pushed for an example; she asked my wife if she wanted to hear an example. Reluctantly, I described something that had happened this morning...The therapist described how this interaction could have gone (yes, if one of us did not have BPD).

In my example, my wife heard an example of how unhappy I was with her and has pulled away greatly. When I asked, with caring curiosity, how she was doing after the session she told me it's clear I hate living with her and need to travel to escape. I spent some time trying to talk her down.

You have given me a great visual, though. For the time being, I need to be accepting, un-expecting parent until she gets through this moment. I need to do so because I want those times together when we are great friends. Also, I want independence and some freedoms. These come when we are partners.

Immediately, I need to contain my anxiety that she has decided this is the instance from which she cannot recover? I wonder if I'm the only partner of a pwBPD who experiences anxiety ;-)!

If I had god-like powers, I would instill this very desire, separating peacefully. But, I don't want her to decide unilaterally given all I have given to our marriage. Or do I? Maybe I nudge her to asking for the separation? I think not, but ... 

I am rambling. Thank you. This is good advice. I've pasted some of your lines into my daily reminder of the mindset I need to make it through the day.