If you had it to do all over again...

[Think About It...]

I recently divorced my BPD husband, but I strongly suspect my 6 yr old is suffer from the same condition.  Yes, he is only 6 but he reported to the school that I don't make him sleep.  (He is prescribed sleep aides that are promptly given at 7:30 pm)  He also reported the only meal he recieves is school lunch. Seriously though- I couldn't not feed him with out a major fit.  The school is so convinced this child is neglected that they bring him hot trays of food whenever he would like, allow him to nap in the health room at his discression and he is allowed to let the other kids do the writting portion of his work because he cant write ( He does at home?).  Needless to say his therapist, myself and the school phycologist are starting to meet monthly so that my son doesn't manipulate the school too.  Anyway I hope the arugment that he is to young to suffer from Bpd is true.  I hope that there is something I can do to best prepare him for a good life.  Any advice?

[abc123]

I recently divorced my BPD husband, but I strongly suspect my 6 yr old is suffer from the same condition.  Yes, he is only 6 but he reported to the school that I don't make him sleep.  (He is prescribed sleep aides that are promptly given at 7:30 pm)  He also reported the only meal he recieves is school lunch. Seriously though- I couldn't not feed him with out a major fit.  The school is so convinced this child is neglected that they bring him hot trays of food whenever he would like, allow him to nap in the health room at his discression and he is allowed to let the other kids do the writting portion of his work because he cant write ( He does at home?).  Needless to say his therapist, myself and the school phycologist are starting to meet monthly so that my son doesn't manipulate the school too.  Anyway I hope the arugment that he is to young to suffer from Bpd is true.  I hope that there is something I can do to best prepare him for a good life.  Any advice?

[JustWantMyJoyBack]

Hi abc123!  

So glad you're here!  

Oh man...he's learning young, huh?  I'm sure he's probably adorable too.  My BPD daughter was an absolutely beautiful child...she used that to her full advantage.

If it where me...knowing what I know now...I'd set up face to face or phone meetings with each of your son's teachers.  I'd also have the school psychologist present.  I would print out a list of characteristics about BPD and take it with me.

I'd explain to the teachers that you know about your son's lies.  Explain "why" he does it.  It's for the attention...it's to minimize or manipulate the consequences for doing less than he's supposed to.  Explain to the teachers that allowing him to sleep at school or have other kids do his work only exacerbates the problem.  If they relent to his manipulation, it will only put him behind his schoolmates in the next grade.

Also, request that each teacher give you a weekly verbal or email update on any issues...ie...lying, sleeping, misbehaving, bad test scores...etc.  I found with my BPD daughter early in elementary school that 2-3 weeks would pass before I was aware of grade or behavior issues.  It's soooo important to stay on top of it.

I would also suggest sitting down with your son and explaining to him that you are meeting with his teachers to discuss his actions/behaviors.  Explain that your concern is for him to do well at school.  He's not in trouble; however, you want to know how to help him do well at school.  I'd talk to him about consequences.  Here's a link to a post I made about high school grades.  You can use the technique and tweak it for your son's age appropriateness:

http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103937.msg1021652#msg1021652


The more involved you are with his teachers the better adjusted he'll be and better prepared for the next grade.  It's wonderful that you're already thinking/preparing for techniques to set him up for success!

Keep up the great work!
Much love & hugs    

JustWantMyJoyBack

[lbjnltx]

our t is the chaplain at the state mental hospital.  he told me that they have had several 5 yr. olds with BPD.  ?

unlike most t's and pdocs our t believes in complete transparency and honesty.  he dx my then 12 yr. old d on our 3rd visit.  her dx was confirmed 5 months later by a complete battery of psych. tests and evaluations by 2 different pdocs. 

at this young age it would most likely be dx as "emerging traits of BPD".

have you looked into the criteria for rad?  reactive attachment disorder?  some consider BPD as rad all grown up.   ;p

 x

best advice to you:  be an advocate for your child but don't protect him from the natural consequences of his actions.  therapy as well.

best to you

lbjnltx

[abc123]

I haven't heard of rad bt I will look into that.  Offically he is diagnoised with PTSD, erratic emotional control, and impulsivity- all traits of course.  He has had a good couple of weeks.  Only minor things like hiding his brothers work books because he is jealous that his lil bro reads better than he does.  Thanks for all the suggestions 

[MyBigMouth]

My son is 11 and his T wont diagnose him with BPD, however, he is diagnosed with adhd and emotional disturbance, he had been diagnosed with ODD ( oppositional Defiance Disorder) when he was 5-6, I flat out refused to accept the ODD diagnosis and that's when the dr referred us to a psychitrist.  My son now is in special education class for Severely emotionally disturbed.  He has a mild Dyslexia, but that doesn't get you into a behavior modification class.  You can ask for a school assesment, then ask for a 504, if he isn't eligable for special education services.  Look up you local SELPA, they can help you navigate the school system, also an educational advocate would help you out too.  My son had problems at 3, then in preschool, kindergarten, etc.  I knew early on that he was in his own "reality" not mine or the rest of the family's.

A lot of what you are describing my son has done.  He told the teachers that I don't feed him, well it turned out that I don't feed him Mcd's all the time wich is what he wants.  He has huge issues with food, he is a very picky eater.  So his idea that I don't feed him was in his reality true, not eveyone else's.  He would break his sisters toys because she simply played with one of his, he refused to read out loud because of issues with his self esteem and his dyslexia, he still wont take any "advice" I give him about how to keep the problems with the dyslexia to a minimum, ie; using his finger or a piece of paper to keep his place while reading, reading the same sentance twice if it doesn't make sense.  He tells me he knows how to do and the ideas that I have just dont work for him and it is a never ending arguement.  He will not relent.  I leave it up to the teachers. 

He got the most help when he was moved to the SED class because of the behavior modification program, but you can do the same with a 504 plan or if your teachers are willing to help you without a 504.

All of the suggestion that JustWantMyJoy back are what I did with my son.  I fought with the teacher about reporting his behavior to me, she told me that is what parent teacher conferences were for.  She was just plain ole unwilling to work with me.  I was asking for daily reports.  Wich is what they do in the SED class by the way. 

They set goals, no talking back for example then they have the periods math lets say he either gets a check or a 0, if he get's so many points then he gets to watch the movie on friday, or use the school store for little things etc.

Unless your going for SSI, what does the diagnosis matter?  Unless you need medication in wich case usually the dr's will treat to the symptoms the child is exhibiting anyway's regardless of the diagnosis.  I think the reason they say they are too young for diagnosis is because many of the normal traights of childhood developement mimick a lot of these personality and psychological disorders.

So if I had to do it all over again, I would do the same thing push from the very begining and not wait until it got really bad.  I also have a daughter almost 16 who didn't show traights until she was 13/14 then she started right in with the cutting, etc.  I got her right into help, and right into an RTC (residential Treatment Center)  it has literally saved her life.  The help that the counselors give her and the types of treatments they do is what helped, she is diagnosed with BPD.  I would do the same thing if I had to do it all over, get imediate help for them, be their advocate, and be the raving lunatic mom if you have to in order to get them to listen.

[qcarolr]

A "do-over" - what would I do? Not adopt a child to begin with? Give her up at age 6 when RAD was suggested during her hospitalization? Leave my dh as suggested in therapy to raise her alone or with someone else when I was hospitalized when DD was age 5? Would the knowledge of that time 20 years ago have been enough to make it different, or could I only succeed at a "do-over" with the knowledge about BPD I have now. DD was labeled all sorts. The test results were consistent over the years as far as her right-brain based learning disorder (non-verbal LD then, "mathematics disorder" now). I dove head-first into ADHD support groups, bipolar groups, special ed with advocates to help me. No money for any kind of RTC, and DD would have revolted. THe biggest issue then and now and maybe for always is DD's claim to not having a mental health related problem. Bad parents and the learning disability are her problems. But she wants those bad parents to be there taking care of her daily needs and solving all her problems. She's 23 now and i have resigned my position as problem mom with limited contact. And I have been handling it really well until today. Somehow a dark cloud has descended on me today - and that is in the form of taking a call from her today.

So I have to find my smile so I can be a good grammi soon - so I really do get to have a "do-over" with this little 4 year old gd. And regardless of how many times DD accuses me of "stealing" her daughter, DD has given her to dh and I to raise and so I will do a better job this time. It helps that so far gd is so very different in many ways from her mommy. But I have learned a lot over the past 23 years, and dh and I are more of a team in all this now. So hope springs up in the form of this child that loves me and needs me to find my smile for her today.

[INFORMATION ABOUT THE 'SUPPORTING A CHILD' BOARD]

INFORMATION ABOUT THE 'SUPPORTING A CHILD' BOARD Our objective is to learn how to support our loved ones and to find peace and understanding in our own lives. There is real help and real hope available for families. For information and guidelines please click here :

[adoptingangels2]

qcarolr,
I can totally relate to you & your adopted daughter's issues! I have a 12 yr old adopted from Russia at 2 1/2 yrs old who is dx with RAD(Reactive Attachment Disorder, ODD(Ocupational Defiance Disorder) Depression, PTSD, ADD & Disassociation Disorder. I have fought & struggled for 10 yrs to get my son the help he needs to no avail. I am now facing the battle of putting my son in a RTF for 1 yr to 18 months if the treatment works if not could be longer. The decision to do this is breaking my heart but my emotional & physical wellbeing know it is what I have to do to save my son! I also have a FAS(Fetal Alcohol Syndrom) son who is 10 now & 4 when adopted from Russia & did not know he was FAS til 2 1/2yrs later. He also struggles with severe adhd & anxiety issues, so my plate is pretty full with these two boys who always give me a run for my money. My 12 yr old started showing disstressing signs at 3 1/2 yrs old & it wass like pulling teeth to find the right doc or get a dx on him.
 I am glad to hear things are going well with your gd!

[qcarolr]

adoptingangels2, I can see some issues with my gs who is 2 - we chose to not be very involved with him - just too much for us to take at our age. He was in foster care at 5 months and adopted by foster parents at age 2. They know what they are getting - or think they do. He is "a very angry child" per their therapist for him. It is a real gift to have contact with the adopting family, and this gives gd a relationship with her brother. They had a good Christmas visit at the new home. I know how painful letting your child go for this extended time must be and I pray for his success.

[lazell]

Anyway I hope the arugment that he is to young to suffer from Bpd is true.  I hope that there is something I can do to best prepare him for a good life.  Any advice?

Never have I even heard of BPD until my daughter's recent stay at the hospital. Now, after much reading, research, and this site, I know that she now being 16, BPD certainly was her life during her very early stages, probably began around age 5. Also, although he will go undiagnosed, living with her father for 16 years, (my ex for 11 years) it is easy now to see that what I had been dealing with all of those years, were also BPD. I can't do anything over again, it is what it is. But if I could, I would be well equipped with knowledge, support such as this site and therapy not only for my daughter, but for myself as well, which I am doing now, and I would NOT have been so passive with my daughter. I would have had strong boundaries, more structure, and not been so catering to try to mold everything to fit her needs. I might have learned that parenting out of guilt only gives her more ammunition to manipulate me. Although I may not have been able to remove BPD from our life, I could have prevented it from controlling every aspect of my life. Improvements are being made in our lives simply due to the fact that I am trying very hard to change myself and the way I handle our situations. No doubt these years would be going a bit smoother if I would have had the correct tools to work with from the beginning.

My advice, the best thing you can do to prepare him for a good life, is to create a good strong person within yourself, you can control you.

Many Blessings

[qcarolr]

My advice, the best thing you can do to prepare him for a good life, is to create a good strong person within yourself, you can control you.

abc123, This puts it all so well. And it is sometimes so hard to believe in and practice. Looking back I can see so many times along the way all those in my life that tried to tell me this message, and I just couldn't hear it buried in the deeply imbedded place of guilt I lived from. I have a lot of sadness about this now, but am working away from the guilt day-by-day. It requires me to verify everything that I can from DD and remind myself to not take anything she says at face value.

[lbjnltx]

dear friends,

ODD...oppositional defiant disorder.  complicates the treatment of BPD but should not be dismissed as there are soooo many comorbid diagnosis with BPD.

understanding how odd interacts with BPD could be the difference between progress and being stuck.

my 13 year of daughter was first dx odd by her first t at age 11.  looking back i can see that at that time she did not meet the criteria for BPD or even emerging traits of BPD.  this past feb. she was dx with BPD/emerging traits of BPD.  she is still ODD as well as she still meets the criteria. this past july she was dx with mdd...major depressive disorder.  so sad how they pile one on top of the other! 

please don't dismiss a dx until you have looked at the behaviors/thought processes objectively over time.  it won't help to remove the dx from the "list" unless it is absolutely correct to do so.

 

lbjnltx

[momofrage]

If I had it all to do over, I would have not borne a child with a Myers-Briggs personality type that is the exact opposite of mine.  ;)I would not have come down with the series of physical and mental problems of my own when she was around age 9 and 10, which resulted in me not being as available to her as I would  have liked to be.  ;)Seriously, though, neither of those were under my control. But I do love the following advice from lazell:

I can't do anything over again, it is what it is. But if I could, I would be well equipped with knowledge, support such as this site and therapy not only for my daughter, but for myself as well, which I am doing now, and I would NOT have been so passive with my daughter. I would have had strong boundaries, more structure, and not been so catering to try to mold everything to fit her needs. I might have learned that parenting out of guilt only gives her more ammunition to manipulate me. Although I may not have been able to remove BPD from our life, I could have prevented it from controlling every aspect of my life. Improvements are being made in our lives simply due to the fact that I am trying very hard to change myself and the way I handle our situations. No doubt these years would be going a bit smoother if I would have had the correct tools to work with from the beginning.

Interestingly, my BPDDD17 is also a very picky eater. Control issues about food from a very young age. Control issues about EVERYTHING, in fact...

please don't dismiss a dx until you have looked at the behaviors/thought processes objectively over time.  it won't help to remove the dx from the "list" unless it is absolutely correct to do so.

This is also terrific advice. My DD was diagnosed with BPD first, while she was away at college. Then several weeks later, when she landed in our hometown hospital, they diagnosed her as bipolar instead. DD disagreed vehemently with the bipolar diagnosis, since we all agreed that the BPD fit so well.. A few months later, the bipolar had gotten so obvious that she could no longer deny it. So she has both BPD and bipolar. Along with social anxiety disorder and panic disorder. And substance abuse.

So we are treating the BPD with DBT therapy, the bipolar with some heavy-duty bipolar meds, and the substance abuse with NA. It is too soon to be sure, but we are starting to see some progress now that we are dealing with all THREE diagnoses. Dealing with just one or two and pretending the others didn't exist just made recovery impossible.

I do think that if we had known about BPD at age 9, maybe some therapy would have made it less severe, or maybe some of her other mental illnesses would not have developed. She saw a pdoc and a therapist then, they dx'd her with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. At age 17, she saw another pdoc, she was diagnosed with depression. Were the "emerging traits" of BPD there at age 9 and age 17? H*ll, yes! They were probably there at age 6 too, although my DD was not so extreme as the original poster's son. I'm guessing the bipolar was probably already there too. I have a lot of unresolved anger at these doctors and therapists for missing the boat. I think we could have avoided a lot of pain and the six (to date) hospitalizations.