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Author Topic: PERSPECTIVES: What does it mean to take care of yourself?  (Read 20034 times)
lbjnltx
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« Reply #20 on: October 18, 2010, 11:35:13 AM »

do for others only what you are happily willing to do...anything else can create resentment and hostility.

btw:  the silent treatment is a form of abuse.

lbjnltx
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jenny50


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« Reply #21 on: October 19, 2010, 08:59:17 AM »

 Thanks lbjnltx. I used to be happy, willingly doing some of these things but then the more I did for him the less he seemed to do for me. I feel like a housekeeper now. I am making changes...slowly and I am taking steps to get stronger mentally and physically with a view to leaving eventually. I admit I hadn't seen the silent treatment as abuse...interesting. How do I get out of this irrational fear? The silent treatment  freaks me out more than aggression and that does not make sense.
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lbjnltx
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« Reply #22 on: October 19, 2010, 09:24:29 AM »

dear jenny50,

here is a link to a thread on the silent treatment:

http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70004.0

lbjnltx
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jenny50


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« Reply #23 on: October 19, 2010, 02:09:01 PM »

Thank you...it makes much more sense having read that. I heard last week of a woman who was getting the silent treatment from her hubby. This went on for a couple of days then the woman started searching the house opening and closing cupboards and drawers. Eventually her hubby could stand it no longer and in a very cross voice asked "what on earth are you searching for?" " Oh it's ok" she says "I've found it now, I thought I'd lost your voice"  lol grin
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lbjnltx
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« Reply #24 on: October 19, 2010, 03:39:02 PM »

 grin cheesy
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pennifree
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« Reply #25 on: October 20, 2010, 07:42:28 PM »

For me, taking care of me started as doing nice things for myself and making sure to do things outside of the home.  Now it's both of those things and more.

 Taking care of me means:

 that I maintain boundaries around how I am treated by others

 that I respect myself and my needs

 that I speak up about my needs if they are not being met

 that I respect others needs and boundaries

 that I work to resolve issues as they come up as best I can

pennifree
 

 
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"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is the present and that is why it is called a gift."
briefcase
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« Reply #26 on: October 28, 2010, 03:30:46 PM »

After years of depression, isolation, and verbal abuse, I arrived here in very bad shape.  I had to start "taking care of myself" at a very basic level.  

I reconnected with my parents, my brother and other extended family, and friends.

I read Stop Walking on Eggshells.

I made a point of taking care of myself physically.  I got a physical.  I ate healthier foods.  I exercised daily.  I tried to get good sleep.  I lost about 30 pounds (some of which, I am sorry to say, I have since found again).

I found a good therapist and went to her for about 18 months.  It was a very positive experience and worth every penny.  

I hired a divorce lawyer and learned about my legal options.  

This one sounds a little weird . . . but I actually had re-learn a lot of little things about myself and what I like and don't like.  It felt a little like recovering from amnesia.  I would be taking my evening walk and thinking about what my favorite foods were, my favorite colors, hobbies that I liked, music that I liked, favorite authors and poets, etc.  Lots of little things that I once took for granted, I actually had to spend time remembering because my life had not had room for those kinds of thoughts for such a long time.  

I then spent time making sure I did some things that I liked, such as watching TV shows and movies that I enjoyed, eating food I liked, reading books, etc.

These things helped me regain a seperate identity from my wife and the marriage.  I got emotionally stonger as I did these things.  I kept reading and learning about BPD too.

As I got stronger, "taking care of myself" started to include more organized efforts to reconnect with and communicate with my wife.  I started with boundaries.  Then came validation.  These things took a lot of practice and still do.  I was also able to tackle other problems in my life.  I paid off debts.  Focused more on work.  Protected the kids more.  I imagine for those who take a different path, this stage might also include ending the relationship.

Right now, I am trying to make sure I am still on a path that leads somewhere.  So, "taking care of myself" now includes things like thinking about goals, considering what "happiness" means to me, and thinking about the future.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #27 on: October 28, 2010, 04:11:26 PM »

Well said, Briefcase!

I, too, was lost for a while there and completely forgot who I was, what I was about, what I liked or disliked, and who my friends were, and had to re-learn all of those things.  It was not fun to discover that I had become sort of a shadow, with next to nothing left of myself, so-to-speak, as I'm sure you know.

I found that, by taking care of myself, I regained the power to regenerate, like a lizard growing another tail.

For me, it was very much like recovering from amnesia, as you describe.  Maybe I'm still not entirely "there" yet, but am confident that I'm back on my path, which feels good, and genuine, wherever it may lead.

Thanks for putting it so well into words!  Uke
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« Reply #28 on: October 29, 2010, 09:35:02 AM »

For me, relearning who i was, and actually starting to live differently also coincided with growing apart from my wife. There was a lot of additional drama included. But as I started trying to be an independent individual, she complained I wasn't the same person any more. (i thought, "Good!") I feel like i was so ingrained into her, that once i started pulling my identity out of her, she didn't "feel" the same. I wasn't "nice" any more b/c I didn't enable her to hurt me or other people for the sake of her comfort or wishes.

I think the growing apart was really just naturally moving to the point that we already would have been had we not been so codependent and dishonest with ourselves. It's kind of a shame b/c since we didn't have a healthy relationship, and didn't have our own identities, we weren't able to make adjustments and improve our relationship as it went along. Instead, we both added more conflict, and when I finally started acting in a healthier way, enough damage was made that it seemed it didn't even make sense to be together any more.
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jardin
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« Reply #29 on: December 14, 2010, 12:10:46 PM »

February 2010.  That was about a month or so I think after I first learned about PDs.  Based on what happened between then and now, everything I wrote here was 100% intellectual exercise and HOPE...and not actually how I was living.  I was not out of the FOG...not doing my own thing...still totally wrapped up in her.  Addicted.  And codependent as hell.  This is all evidenced by the lack of any real change or extinction burst until about August of this year.  From February until then...pretty much status quo.  Obviously working on it, learning, maybe even small attempts...but yeah, just more of the same.  It really wasn't until about August that the lightbulb clicked on.  Which was evidenced by a major extinction burst...and a lot of change...and now finally over the last month or two...lots and lots of resolution and stability.  Now that I see what works - it's not really intellectual anymore, just becoming habit and the way I am and live...
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Our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have.  It is the very last inch of us.  And within that inch, we are free. - Valerie's Letter


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