July 28, 2014, 01:13:04 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Moderators: DreamGirl, LettingGo14, P.F.Change, Rapt Reader
Advisors: an0ught, livednlearned, Mutt, pessim-optimist, Turkish, Waverider
Ambassadors: BacknthSaddle, corraline, cosmonaut, DreamFlyer99, formflier, free'n'clear, HealingSpirit, Kwamina, lever, Love is Not Enough, maxen, maxsterling, NorthernGirl, OutofEgypt, woodsposse, ziggiddy
  Directory Guidelines Glossary   Boards   Help Login Register  
bing
Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 6  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: COMMUNICATION: How to stop circular arguments  (Read 18423 times)
united for now
Emeritus
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 11111


Talking about solutions create solutions


WWW
« on: May 03, 2010, 11:22:26 AM »

We've all been in them - those horrible arguments discussions. You know, the ones that make you want to

They go round and round and round.
Your SO doesn't even make sense half the time.
You're not even sure what you are arguing about  rolleyes
They can go on for hours and hours.
No one ever wins them.
Both people get hurt by them.

You want to pull your hair out  barfy

Why do they happen?
Cause our partners are mentally ill and have difficulty expressing themselves in clear enough fashion for us to understand.
Cause our partners are mentally ill and feelings = facts to them.
Cause our partners are mentally ill and they need to control what they can - us.
Cause our partners are mentally ill and can't stand to lose.

Cause we like to "be right" too.
Cause we can't let it go either.
Cause we need to prove our point.
Cause we are too afraid to walk away from the argument.
Cause we want to hurt them back.
Cause we feel trapped - either literally or emotionally.
Cause we hope that we can change their minds.
Cause we hope that we can get them to understand.
Cause we are co-dependent and need to "fix" them and their flawed way of thinking.

How do we stop them?
By taking control of the only thing you can - yourself.

That means that you recognize what is happening - a pointless argument that is going badly and that needs to end - then finding the courage/strength/attitude to  take action and take a TIME OUT .
~ You don't wait to win or lose. It's not a competition.
~ You don't worry about how they will respond. This is about protecting yourself - not them.
~ You don't hope that it will end soon. You are not a helpless victim.
~ You don't fear their anger. You have a right to protect yourself from harm.

Write this on something and read it 10 times a day till you firmly get it.
* Don't argue
* Don't defend
* Don't justify
* Don't explain
* Don't counter attack
* Take care of yourself and take a time out.


Do you feel strong enough to stop the argument?

What do you fear if you don't?



Logged

Change your perceptions and you change your life.  Nothing changes without changes




JDoe
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 1787



« Reply #1 on: May 03, 2010, 11:50:06 AM »

I'm just printing this out- since this is a very sore subject for me and wehe (DH) tends to do this so often, I think he'd be a good attorney- winning just because the judge wants him to be quiet!
Looking forward to others' responses.
Thanks, UFN!  I wanna be more like you when I grow up!
JDoe
Logged

"Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it?"  is. 43:19
dados76
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2988

Think outside the box.


WWW
« Reply #2 on: May 03, 2010, 12:15:12 PM »

most of the time.. if R and i get stuck going round and round.. its bc hes trying to get validation.. so he keeps saying the same thing.. phrased different until that happens.. sometimes.. or adding more and more reasons why he feels hit

i think.. validating is just a skill that takes a lot of practice.. and a lot of willingness to use.. not willing to learn to validate.. probably not going to be a real fun relationship for the person w/bpd or the person with them..

we dont have to many 'discussions' like that tho.. hes getting a lot better at saying if he needs a minute to figure out how to explain what is going on.. and what is happening
Logged

Nutts45
formerly "dsnutt45 "
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 1218


"Life is"


« Reply #3 on: May 03, 2010, 12:27:37 PM »

UFN I wanted to say how lucky we are you have remained to guide us.  I love the wisdom that you give in your post.

Quote
That means that you recognize what is happening - a pointless argument that is going badly and that needs to end - then finding the courage/strength/attitude to  take action and take a  TIME OUT .
~ You don't wait to win or lose. It's not a competition.
~ You don't worry about how they will respond. This is about protecting yourself - not them.
~ You don't hope that it will end soon. You are not a helpless victim.
~ You don't fear their anger. You have a right to protect yourself from harm.

Write this on something and read it 10 times a day till you firmly get it.
* Don't argue
* Don't defend
* Don't justify
* Don't explain
* Don't counter attack
* Take care of yourself and take a time out.


Do you feel strong enough to stop the argument?

What do you fear if you don't?

I am taking it a step up, I am no longer leaving to take a break.  He can work with this with his T.  I don't know if it is the right way but I have been doing these tool and it works..if I leave.  He knows after the fact this what he does is not right...time to step it up...your talking to a T..if he can't help you find someone who can.  

I don't leave my house when others have their panties in a wad...I am not doing it anymore because my H does.  If I have to leave because I fear that he can't control himself or leave me alone when I no longer want to participate in a conversation than I don't need to live here anymore.

D*mn..guess I am back to my old self.  But I wouldn't be at this point were for working on these tools.  Taking breaks and disengaging as released me of my fog.  

I
* Don't argue
* Don't defend
* Don't justify
* Don't explain
* Don't counter attack


Logged

Some times you feel like a nut...some times you don't.
MyLife
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 301



« Reply #4 on: May 03, 2010, 12:33:37 PM »


Write this on something and read it 10 times a day till you firmly get it.
* Don't argue
* Don't defend
* Don't justify
* Don't explain
* Don't counter attack
* Take care of yourself and take a time out.

J.A.D.E. =
don't need to:

Justify
Argue
Defend
Explain

Thank you for the reminder UFN.
Logged

..."In order to stop this hurting I must reach a point of contentment within myself.  And that will take some reaching."
united for now
Emeritus
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 11111


Talking about solutions create solutions


WWW
« Reply #5 on: May 03, 2010, 12:36:54 PM »

most of the time.. if R and i get stuck going round and round.. its bc hes trying to get validation.. so he keeps saying the same thing.. phrased different until that happens.. sometimes.. or adding more and more reasons why he feels hit

i think.. validating is just a skill that takes a lot of practice.. and a lot of willingness to use.. not willing to learn to validate.. probably not going to be a real fun relationship for the person w/bpd or the person with them..

we dont have to many 'discussions' like that tho.. hes getting a lot better at saying if he needs a minute to figure out how to explain what is going on.. and what is happening

An excellent point dados  Doing the right thing

Validation can make a difference...I've seen it happen time after time.


I just worry that people tend to stick around thinking they can validate their way out of an argument and taking abuse the whole time. Validation is one tool that can build closeness and trust - yet it should never be done at the price of abuse  cry


Auspicious has a great saying I like to use:
Quote

Boundaries protect us - but validation connects us. 
Both have their time and place...sometimes in the same conversation.

Logged

Change your perceptions and you change your life.  Nothing changes without changes


dados76
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2988

Think outside the box.


WWW
« Reply #6 on: May 03, 2010, 12:51:08 PM »

Quote
I just worry that people tend to stick around thinking they can validate their way out of an argument and taking abuse the whole time. Validation is one tool that can build closeness and trust - yet it should never be done at the price of abuse 

true.. if things get too heated.. then its time for a break.. most of the time.. things dont get to that point.. between us.. both R and i are pretty good about taking time out to cool off now.. before things get too intense.. definitely dont think anybody should stick around to get abused.. validating usually happens before theres a argument.. good prevention..

lol helps kind of.. english aint my first language.. so i get that.. sometimes it takes a few times using different words to get your point across.. even when speaking the same language out loud.. sometimes emotionally.. takes a few tries to get the point across..
Logged

Nutts45
formerly "dsnutt45 "
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 1218


"Life is"


« Reply #7 on: May 03, 2010, 12:59:56 PM »

How did you get the smiley with the brick wall.

Believe it or not I have actually left the room and done this.  Of course not hard..but more for a mental picture on expressing outward on how I have felt.

A friend asked me what I was doing?  I know I looked very silly.
Logged

Some times you feel like a nut...some times you don't.
united for now
Emeritus
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 11111


Talking about solutions create solutions


WWW
« Reply #8 on: May 03, 2010, 01:02:22 PM »

This one?

             

photobucket
Logged

Change your perceptions and you change your life.  Nothing changes without changes


Nutts45
formerly "dsnutt45 "
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 1218


"Life is"


« Reply #9 on: May 03, 2010, 01:25:03 PM »

I don't know if I am wise enough to use them.. I could see myself..losing it and send one of those via text.
Logged

Some times you feel like a nut...some times you don't.
Links and Information
Tools
Validation
Ending Cycle of Conflict
Triggering and Wisemind
Values and Boundaries
Becoming more empathetic?
On-Line CBT Program
>> More Tools

Video
What is BPD - Family
What is BPD - Romantic
What is BPD - Child
End the Cycle of Conflict
Validation Skills
Empathy Skills
Parental Alienation
Dialectal Dilemma (audio)


Book Reviews
Endorsed Books
Other Staff Reviews
Member Reviews
Articles - New
Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde
Diagnosis of BPD
Treatment of BPD
Series: My Child
Series: My Significant Other
Series: My Parent/Sibling
Series: My Failing Romance

Articles - Archive
Symptoms of BPD
A Clinical Perspective
Supporting a Loved One
Helping Him/Her Seek Treatment
Treatment of BPD
Leaving a Partner
Depression
Codependency
Sexual Addiction
Healthy Relationships

Content - Messageboard
Top 50 Questions
Top Workshops
About Us
The Mission
Professional Endorsements
2,000 Member Testimonials
Policy and Disclaimers
Blog


Messageboard
Directory
Guidelines
Appeal Moderation
Help-Technical
Manual

Donations
Become a Sponsor
Your Account

Other
Domestic Violence Crisis
Suicidal Ideation

EMERGENCY
Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 6  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.10 | SMF © 2006-2010, Simple Machines LLC Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!