July 22, 2014, 10:25:45 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Moderators: DreamGirl, LettingGo14, P.F.Change, Rapt Reader
Advisors: an0ught, Mutt, livednlearned, pessim-optimist, Turkish, Waverider
Ambassadors: BacknthSaddle, corraline, cosmonaut, DreamFlyer99, free'n'clear, Kwamina, lever, maxen, maxsterling, woodsposse
  Directory Guidelines Glossary   Boards   Help Login Register  
bing
Pages: 1 [2] 3 4 ... 6  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: COMMUNICATION: How to stop circular arguments  (Read 18312 times)
Checkmate
formerly "Circus Topper"
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 1029


« Reply #10 on: May 03, 2010, 01:52:52 PM »

I no longer worry about right or wrong. I no longer worry about entitlement. I gave up on self-righteousness a while back.

I hate to argue. I hate it with a passion a pointless arguement.

So, I just walk away now. Even have a boundary in place to deal with this one.

"I will not allow my self to be dragged into pointless conversations/arguments that go round and round and never get any where."

I think I used to worry about being falsely acccused of something. I really do not like being told I've done something when I haven't.
Logged


jardin
*****
Offline Offline

Posts: 874



« Reply #11 on: May 03, 2010, 02:23:52 PM »

I had to walk away this weekend for a bit.  She is just so angry at everything.  Though I understand why and I understand she has every right to be, a lot of the anger is misdirected square at me.  For asking the wrong question, for thinking the wrong thought, for caring about her wellbeing...and then minutes later for not being around more.  We started to get into it about a question I asked.  She interpreted it one way, I meant it a complete other.  I stated one time why I asked it and she continued to get very angry and repeated why she was upset.  I made one attempt at validation and didn't even get the sentence out.  And that was it.  I just let it drop.  We sat in silence the entire way home.  I haven't talked to her since because she has gone silent/invisible.   

On the one hand it is good to not be triggered into defending myself anymore; on the other, it is hard to walk away when I do feel like any form of self expression for her right now may be healthy.  I know fully why she is on edge and upset - it's hard to balance knowing that and allowing her to get some of it out - and my own health.  I just don't want to be the punching bag though. Everytime I allow it it just seems to fuel her negative view of me.  She both believes what she says and sees me stick around.  It's just not ok from any persepctive.  Ugh.   
Logged

Our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have.  It is the very last inch of us.  And within that inch, we are free. - Valerie's Letter


LvnNHell
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 311


« Reply #12 on: May 03, 2010, 02:30:06 PM »


Write this on something and read it 10 times a day till you firmly get it.
* Don't argue
* Don't defend
* Don't justify
* Don't explain
* Don't counter attack
* Take care of yourself and take a time out.


OK - I see what the "Don'ts" are.  But, what do we do?  My wife baits and tries to force me into arguments all the time.  When I get accused of things I didn't do, what do I do?  When she sends me an email with a dozen different accusations, or questions posed to start an argument, what do I do?

Logged
dados76
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2988

Think outside the box.


WWW
« Reply #13 on: May 03, 2010, 02:36:17 PM »

ignore it.. if you know its bait.. dont bite.. do something else..
Logged

pfunk
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 283


« Reply #14 on: May 03, 2010, 03:45:04 PM »

this is just a great thread here and im glad i came up on it, because this is exactly where i seem to be stuck all the time, im always getting myself caught up in arguing, and defending, and wanting to make my point accross, but all that does is making my wife more and more distent and not able to trust that i can ever be there for her which is what i really want, but just the other day she expressed to me how each and everytime she tries to communicate her feelings to me, then i always somehow end up making her feel worse because usually i end up missing those opportunities to validate her.
Logged
united for now
Emeritus
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 11111


Talking about solutions create solutions


WWW
« Reply #15 on: May 04, 2010, 12:58:05 AM »



OK - I see what the "Don'ts" are.  But, what do we do?  My wife baits and tries to force me into arguments all the time.  When I get accused of things I didn't do, what do I do?  When she sends me an email with a dozen different accusations, or questions posed to start an argument, what do I do?


What you've been doing hasn't helped things get better. It's actually made them worse, since by allowing her to verbally abuse you, she has lost a lot of respect for you. To change things, you need to make some changes in what you can control - YOU>

Your wife has trouble controlling her emotions. To her, feelings = facts.
So if her emotions get out of control, she can't cope with them, so she needs to find something to blame it on - typically we are the fortunate ones in the line of fire  tongue What she is doing is abusive to you -  and - it is an unhealthy way for her to cope with her emotions. She needs to feel her emotions, instead of avoiding them and dumping them all onto you. Growth only occurs when you learn, and the only way to learn is to go through it, not avoid it.

So, when she starts, you can try to validate her emotions and offer some empathetic understanding. If that doesn't work, then you take your time out and allow her to deal with her emotions on her own. Be a mirror, not a sponge  cool

Logged

Change your perceptions and you change your life.  Nothing changes without changes


Ikwit
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 177


« Reply #16 on: May 04, 2010, 08:39:53 AM »

Something that has helped me recently is to decide if m BPDh is dysregulated and truly stuck in a circular argument about nothing OR if he really has a feeling in there somewhere and is pushing to be heard.  At least in my experience of my h, there is a difference.  BPDh started a circular nagging nit-picking thing recently (it's most often a tangent that makes no sense) and I just walked away.  That ended it. 

Other times recently I notice BPDh tries to say something and I feel myself getting angry.  I will acknowledge he said something, then get some space.  Often, after a chance to process my initial reaction/feelings, I can get clarity about what he said (or tried to say).  Then it works to send him a quick email-writing helps both of us if it's short and only about one point.  I have also decided that it is never too late to assert my own boundary or state a feeling-this has worked well via email maybe the day after a "conversation" from dh.  The email system is not about my h hearing it, it's about me having a better chance to either keep my boundary OR validate what he was feeling under all the verbal mess he puts forth and make some attempt at communication.
Logged
alexander

Offline Offline

Posts: 15


« Reply #17 on: May 04, 2010, 01:32:02 PM »

This is a situation I often find myself in.  I used to try and defend myself..that was pointless.  I used to argue back..that only escalated the fights to atomic portions.  Now, I just sit there quietly..tell her I am sorry and I love her.  She gets mad that I have nothing else to say, but nothing I say ever helps. I realize this now.  I just need to keep my head down and pray for the storm to pass.
Logged
ifsogirl26
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 1934



« Reply #18 on: May 04, 2010, 01:37:16 PM »

This is a situation I often find myself in.  I used to try and defend myself..that was pointless.  I used to argue back..that only escalated the fights to atomic portions.  Now, I just sit there quietly..tell her I am sorry and I love her.  She gets mad that I have nothing else to say, but nothing I say ever helps. I realize this now.  I just need to keep my head down and pray for the storm to pass.

Or you can tell her that you will be back soon (an hour, when she is calm) and take a time out. No need to listen to rant or rages, it only damages both of you.

You can try SET or DEARMAN once things are calm to try to have a better discussion but any abuse happens take time away. It really does make a world of difference
Logged

Who I really am can never be lost, I choose to live in the moment, I choose to be happy
mssalty
****
Offline Offline

Home Board: SO-Staying
Posts: 598



« Reply #19 on: May 04, 2010, 01:46:42 PM »

The tragic thing for me is that many of the circular arguments we get into are from my desire to be loving.   I can start trying to help my SO by offering assistance for problems and soon we either argue about why my ideas aren't right or helpful, or my SO brings up some reason why I do not care about them. 

I have spent years trying to defend not just because it hurts me, but because I can't imagine truly thinking that nobody cares about you.    I've always hoped that my SO would have a magical movie moment where it all clicks into place.   Of course, we know that won't happen without them getting help, if ever.
Logged
Links and Information
Tools
Validation
Ending Cycle of Conflict
Triggering and Wisemind
Values and Boundaries
Becoming more empathetic?
On-Line CBT Program
>> More Tools

Video
What is BPD - Family
What is BPD - Romantic
What is BPD - Child
End the Cycle of Conflict
Validation Skills
Empathy Skills
Parental Alienation
Dialectal Dilemma (audio)


Book Reviews
Endorsed Books
Other Staff Reviews
Member Reviews
Articles - New
Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde
Diagnosis of BPD
Treatment of BPD
Series: My Child
Series: My Significant Other
Series: My Parent/Sibling
Series: My Failing Romance

Articles - Archive
Symptoms of BPD
A Clinical Perspective
Supporting a Loved One
Helping Him/Her Seek Treatment
Treatment of BPD
Leaving a Partner
Depression
Codependency
Sexual Addiction
Healthy Relationships

Content - Messageboard
Top 50 Questions
Top Workshops
About Us
The Mission
Professional Endorsements
2,000 Member Testimonials
Policy and Disclaimers
Blog


Messageboard
Directory
Guidelines
Appeal Moderation
Help-Technical
Manual

Donations
Become a Sponsor
Your Account

Other
Domestic Violence Crisis
Suicidal Ideation

EMERGENCY
Pages: 1 [2] 3 4 ... 6  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.10 | SMF © 2006-2010, Simple Machines LLC Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!