When do I say divorce is on the table?

[Think About It...]

I new here and would appreciate some clarification.  Based on what I've read, it seems timing is everything when leaving a relationship with bp.  It seems like I should be prepared to announce my intention to divorce and then move out of the house all on the same day.

But divorce is on the fringes of our conversation already.  Am I supposed to play along like things are fine, until I'm ready?  I would expect that at the mere mention of divorce--and my bpdwife's realization that it's for real--would trigger her abandonment schema big time and she would immediately start to lash out. 

I have important papers duplicated and locked up at work, I have access to my own money, I've researched my state's divorce laws, I've started a list of our property, but I haven't yet talked to a lawyer.  I'm nervous about getting anywhere near divorce in a conversation b/c she might immediately start to campaign against me.  (She's threatened me with slander/blackmail/libel--whatever it is--and financial ruin.)

[NotMyRealName]

I new here and would appreciate some clarification.  Based on what I've read, it seems timing is everything when leaving a relationship with bp.  It seems like I should be prepared to announce my intention to divorce and then move out of the house all on the same day.

But divorce is on the fringes of our conversation already.  Am I supposed to play along like things are fine, until I'm ready?  I would expect that at the mere mention of divorce--and my bpdwife's realization that it's for real--would trigger her abandonment schema big time and she would immediately start to lash out. 

I have important papers duplicated and locked up at work, I have access to my own money, I've researched my state's divorce laws, I've started a list of our property, but I haven't yet talked to a lawyer.  I'm nervous about getting anywhere near divorce in a conversation b/c she might immediately start to campaign against me.  (She's threatened me with slander/blackmail/libel--whatever it is--and financial ruin.)

[SWM2010]

I did exactly what you did-divorce was talked about but she would literally corner me and exhaust me with FOG. I applied for a rental, took out enough of our savings to live for 3 months and got everything lined up and one day I left for work as did she. I returned home, got my stuff and moved in-house was furnished. She got home and I gave her my new address and left. Had my bro there for support. hat's what you have to do sometimes.

[Runningasfastasican]

Just my take on it...if you are fearful of her reaction, and afraid that she will try to hurt you....either physically...or by reputation...or in some real and tangeble way....really on your own make sure that divorce is what you want...if you are positive that it is...then without saying anything to her...on your own...go get a divorce attorney and realistically discuss your options and what to expect from a divorce...once you have this information, it will be a lot easier to figure what you should do...as my attorney once said to me "quite honestly, divorce is an advasarial engagement".............If there are no kids involved, you may want to move out and leave a note and then never be alone with her again....Only you know your situation, but for me talking to an attorney in adavance of talking to her was invaluable............take care and good luck..........

[newworld]

One of the things I have seen happen to men especially in a divorce is go bankrupt.  Not because of the cost of the divorce alone, but because of prior marital debt run up by the BP.

I have also seen the campaigns. "we have to go to the food pantry now...." (meanwhile every bill is being paid for her (4000/month, she doesn't work and she gets ample cash and the WORKING husband lives on 800 dollars a month- for EVERYTHING-including the interest on all of the debts she ran up, eating over 1/4 of his income )

The most damaging part of that is if there are children involved.

I would suggest the following:  Make sure your finances are really set.  Pay every dime of marital debt with marital assets, sell every non essential that isn't nailed down if you have to. paying lawyers to fight in court over debt usually has the consequence of paying the lawyers and not paying the creditors and tanking credit.  Never under estimate how BP's thrive in the fight. The fight keeps you locked together. Take away every possible string in your power to, and they can't control you through the courts. if there is nothing to fight over, there is NO FIGHT. Fighting in court costs money. men have to fight harder in ways if there is a custody issue and need more cash for those issues. being the financial grown up and not having to funnel money to a law firm over debts and assets leaves cash for other things (like custody and the visits to court when she violates the court orders)

If there are children involved and you think the children are better off with you. TAKE THEM WITH YOU. If you leave them behind, it looks like you are leaving them behind to a person you give the "ok" stamp to.

Do not leave the other party with less than half of the marital assets (after the marital debts are paid), shut off power, or less than 500.00 in ready cash.

Do the "right thing", especially if children are involved by remaining grown up, humane, and not allowing yourself to be taken in by the campaigns...

[havana]

Since you are a gay couple you must not have been married for very long. How can she ruin you financially?