Be that as it may, I'd like to share two more observations here. First, I noticed a behavior of uBPDW -- instead of suggesting an option ("I think you should go to Joe's Grocery, it's closer") she will ask a question ("Which store are you going to?") and if the answer does not agree with what she has in mind, it often merits a disgusted sigh or worse ("That's just like you, acting like we have all the time in the world!").
That is called game playing. The whole point is to make you loose. Trying not to loose turns you crazy. Stop thinking there is any correct answer - there is none. Stop playing the game is the only answer.
There are two strategies to deal with that nonsense:
- boundaries e.g. - I'll figure it out, what matters is I get the stuff. This is my responsibility.
- validation e.g. - "Depends. Are you feeling tired <or whatever you suspect makes her cranky>"
This is not easy at the beginning. You will meat puzzlement when going on the emotional level with validation and you will meet resistance and extinction bursts when going the boundary route. Consistency is key once you embarked on this change program. Not being consistent makes it worse (intermittent reenforcement)! She is at the moment heavily relying on invalidating you to piss you off and make you angry to provide herself the necessary validation of her bad mood. That is a crazy way to regulate her emotion as you suffer tremendously as the by product. She has learned this over a life-time. So breaking it is hard but doable.