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Think About It.... It is very important to talk to children about anger, about what they see in the world, and to evaluate the effects of the behavior they observe. Otherwise, their observations become the lesson itself.~ Jane Middelton-Moz, Ph.D., LCSW, Ultimate Guide to Transforming Anger
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Author Topic: How to handle false accusations  (Read 2847 times)
tm2k

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« on: February 08, 2011, 09:40:54 AM »

I am the step father of an undiagnosed child with probable BPD(therapist is about to diagnose).  The child is 15 and has run away 2 times now and is now making false sexual allegations against myself.  In therapy she has altered her version of the past and has changed her outlook on childhood as being terrible when it was not.  Anyone else who tries to tel her otherwise she calls them lairs.  All she has done with the therapist is cried poor me and attempted to discredit anyone that tries to tell her that life was not bad.  For the last 5 years we have noticed strange behavior but just hoped it was typical teenage stuff.  She was telling stories at her schools of things that never happened.  We were getting calls from the schools several time a week.  The last 3 years have been hell dealing with this constant drama.

Her mother and I are at whits end.  I had to move out of my home while the allegations are being investigated leaving my 2yr old son and family.  Her grandmother moved into the home to help but moved out a week later not being able to handle the drama.  The allegations she is making are very serious and I want to make sure the people doing the investigation understand the illness.

The last 3 years have been a roller coaster ride in hell and it is only getting worse.  I know that I will never live under the same roof with this child again but don't want my 2yr old to grow up in that environment and not with his father.  I am reading some of the stories and cant believe how destructive BPD is.


If anyone else has dealt with a similar situation please let me know what we can do.  BPD has torn our family apart and we are lost.

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lbjnltx
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« Reply #1 on: February 08, 2011, 09:49:31 AM »

hello tm2k,

 Welcome! Hi!

glad you are here looking to connect with others who have traveled this weary and terrible road.  there are many here who can identify with your situation...self included. ;p

i have a daughter 14, diagnosed w/emerging BPD.  our stories are very similar...except for the false allegations of abuse.  we were blessed to have gotten a diagnoses for her early on (12) and i took to heart the advice from SWOES to document and chronicle in order to have a written account should false accusations be made...the documentation has not been needed for that reason but has come in extremely handy in other ways.

what kind of therapy is your sd in?  for how long?  does the family attend sessions as well?

lbjnltx
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tm2k

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« Reply #2 on: February 08, 2011, 11:27:47 AM »

The therapy is in the initial stages but it is just her, or her and her mother since I can have no contact with the child while the investigation is ongoing.  The therapy is pretty much the child making accusations and telling the therapist how bad her life is/was.  When questions are presented to the child she shuts down or says that was in the past it does not matter.(the same past she is complaining about)

This illness is a strange one sided vicious cycle.

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lbjnltx
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« Reply #3 on: February 08, 2011, 11:38:49 AM »

dear tm2k,

have you or your wife learned about the validation technique that pwBPD so desperately need?

there is a workshop on the site here:

http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0

http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0

and good resource for better understanding on how validation is a key component to a healthy environment and healthy relationships for all:

http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=128027.0

this seems like a good place to start for your family ... hope it is helpful.

lbjnltx
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Vivgood
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« Reply #4 on: February 08, 2011, 11:44:54 AM »

Hi tm2k Hi!

This has been my Dh's fear, and my BPD sister did make similar accusations about my dad...and as a teen BPD, I had feelings like your SD does which were seen by a number of therapists as "proof" that abuse/molestation had actually occured (my dad and mom are both pretty close to being living saints). Its a very tough place for you to be, and not alot of support from officials will be directed your way; I hope your wife is solidly protecting your back?  I think 2 seemingly contradictory things are true- 1) that you your wife must remain confident in stating your complete innocence (regardless of any persuasion by legal or therapeutic officials) and that 2) you and your wife learn anough about BPD to understand the root of your SD's accusations to act with some compassion towards her. Why have you moved out? With abuse accusations floating about, can your SD not be removed from the home? To me, that would be the best way to go- you are NOT abusing her...but she DOES genuinely have overwhelming feelings of being abused. So she should be the one to leave. For her own best interest. Respond to her feelings, without giving any credence to false accusations.

It is so easy to feel and believe that BPD-driven machinations are conscious manipulation (malicious manipulation at that), that one can't help but feel angry and betrayed. But if your SD has BPD, she isn't capable of the planning, forethought and control that would be recquired to set up this level of drama as an actual CHOICE. She's just responding to her own overwrought and dysfunctional emotions as they occur, and latching on to a construct (evil stepdad molesting innocent stepchild) that carries powerful social weight. And that, unfortunately, is a statistically likely scenario from the POV of therapeutic/legal officals. If she is at this level of dysfunction, neither you nor your wife are capable of helping her- she needs a restricted, therapeutic enviroment, AND...any other children in the house need and deserve protection.

vivgood
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tm2k

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« Reply #5 on: February 08, 2011, 01:24:29 PM »

Thank you very much for the links.  And Vivgood thank you very much for the info.  I moved out because the DFS said I was to have no contact with her.  She did not have anywhere to go so I moved in with relatives.

In the past she made strange allegations about her father that were unfounded as well. Her step grandmother asked that she never come over again.  The list goes on and on and on.  We now look back and see this pattern of behavior so clearly now but when you are living it at the time you are caught up in it.

Some of the things she is saying are physical impossibilities because I would have been at work and her in school.  Her mother and her grandmother that was living with us at the time know they did not happen.

The hard part to understand is that she says them with no conscience or guilt for her actions.
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INFORMATION ABOUT THE 'PARENTING A CHILD, TEEN, or ADULT' BOARD

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment. It is also our objective to evaluate and improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family role model. For information and an overview please click here :

Vivgood
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« Reply #6 on: February 08, 2011, 01:55:09 PM »

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The hard part to understand is that she says them with no conscience or guilt for her actions.

no, none whatsoever. her own emotions are so out of whack that she doesn't even really know that you HAVE emotions that hurt you as much as hers hurt her. She's miswired.

How are you feeling about the move? Are you okay with it at this point? Does your wife support you and the decision to move out?

In a way its good that she's made accusations like this before, there's at least a history of false allegations.

DFS serves a vital and honorable role in protecting our most vulnerable citizens...but, yah, they're overworked, underpaid, under-educated and under constant fire. they don't have the bandwidth to make choices that are in everybody's best interest. you have to advocate for yourself and your family pretty aggressively. And BPD is complex even for psychiatric specialists! best to you.

vivgood
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« Reply #7 on: February 08, 2011, 02:11:11 PM »

tm2k
   I am very sorry for what you are going through.  My D made allegations against my husband about 8 years ago.  The Department for Child Protection came up on my birthday unannounced to investigate us. Eventually the case was closed but we were told that it could be reopened if any more allegations are made.
   Flash forward to last year about this time.   My D is hitting me and we tell her she can't stay in the house.  We take her down to a local motel to cool off for the evening.  She calls and tells the authorities that I was beating her up, kicked her out, etc.  They take her to a "safe house".   She is then put in transitional housing for the victims of domestic abuse. This house is across from our church, so she involves indirectly our parish in her plight.  About 3 weeks into the new facility, she has mutlitple seizures and ends up in the emergency room.  She calls us around midnight asking to come to her house since she can't return to her room until she sees the neurologist.  That appointment is in 3 days.   I bring her home and catch her the next day telling someone over the phone that I threw a pizza at my husband, hit her, etc,  ( all lies). She had bruises all over her from the residents trying to "stop her from seizing" ( all wrong).  The assistant director picks her up and takes to fill out a police report on me.
   My daughter runs out, the police have to catch her and a report is not filed.  An "open case remains" ( in our state for years) and she can sign it any time.  I have no recourse.
   The rest of the year is basically the stuff made of a soap opera.  She tried over medicating herself, three times, each time the transitional housing thought it was epilepsy induced.  We had gone NC for several months and when contact was established someone was always with us.  She eventually tried suicide 2 more times and ended up hospitalized before being placed in a housing facility that treats mental illnesses with a diagnosis of BPD (she has had several short term and long term psychiatric placements with the a variety of diagnosis).
    What did I learn.  First talk to someone in the legal field.  If you can't afford anyone look for organizations that may be able to assist you.  Know that for many people you are guilty of abuse until proven innocent.  Do not let that destroy you.  Eventually the truth will come out, it is just hard getting there. I am talking to a therapist myself.
     Do read the links and the books suggested.  I found it a great help.  Reading the postings helps me to realize I am not the only one and to receive new perspectives.
     The major mistake I did was not to take care of myself and to isloate myself from others.  Not only did this result in a deep depression but did not help me at all.  
       Good luck.
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tm2k

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« Reply #8 on: February 08, 2011, 02:34:10 PM »

Quote
How are you feeling about the move? Are you okay with it at this point? Does your wife support you and the decision to move out?

I don't like that I was basically forced from my own home and do not tuck my son in bed at night anymore.  That is killing me.  My wife and I did not see any other option at the time.  She is torn because she knows these allegations did not happen and I am not there with her and my son.  We are also concerned that the 2yr old is exposed to the drama.  The flip side is getting the daughter the help that she needs.

The therapy that she is going to seems to be a place for her to vent about things that did not happen or good things that did happen that are now looked at as bad.

Something as simple as spending time with her grandparents as a child is now turned into.  "you dumped me off at my grandparents".

She is also angry with her mother because she knows the truth and does not believe her so she is lashing out at her.

I am not sure if this is part of the illness but she will go off in 10 directions with a tantrum and 30 minutes later she is eating dinner watching TV like nothing happened.  Is that normal for BPD?
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Vivgood
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« Reply #9 on: February 08, 2011, 03:03:09 PM »

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she will go off in 10 directions with a tantrum and 30 minutes later she is eating dinner watching TV like nothing happened.  Is that normal for BPD?

oh yeah. Its all about whatever emotion is roiling through their brain at any given moment. It can be over the top, unrelated to anything factual, and it can change on a dime.  Its hard to respond to rationally, isn't it? For "normal" people, emotions happen in response to some event, are quantitatively appropriate to the event (you get more upset when someone hits your car than when you stub your toe), and have a reasonable half-life (you don't stay mad at the door for stubbing your toe). Not neccessarily true for a BPD, but its hard to really assimilate that their emotional proccessing device is skewed and has nothing to do with YOU, regardless of what they claim (assuming that in fact there is no abuse or unkindness occuring).

"you dumped me off at my grandparents"

Ha! I've heard that one! It isn't dumping or even babysitting when its YOUR OWN GRANPDARENTS! its just having a family. The Lessons posted previously are really good at explaining validation techniques- in this case, SD is saying "I feel horribly alone and abandoned and isolated right now". It has diddly to do with her grandparents or parents, or anything that happened 10 years ago. Its now, and its an overwhelming emotion. Respond to that, not the accusation.


I personally feel pretty strongly that siblings of BPD kids have a right to protection from their sib's disease and its fallout. I would be very wary of leaving a young child alone with a BPD. For the sake of both children.

vivgood
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lbjnltx
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« Reply #10 on: February 08, 2011, 04:03:09 PM »

dear tm2k,

have you and your wife talked about residential treatment?

is this a possibility financially?  would insurance cover?

lbjnltx
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tm2k

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« Reply #11 on: February 09, 2011, 08:34:41 AM »

Quote
have you and your wife talked about residential treatment?

is this a possibility financially?  would insurance cover?

It was discussed briefly.  Financially, it would not be possible.  Looking back and at the present,  the drama level is so high that I have noticed that you are like a pawn in the BPD's game of chess.  The drama is so constant that you are living in that persons world and trying to get out of it is very difficult.  It feels like the issues come up quicker then you can deal with them and they don't stop.  We have noticed that sometimes you will get a break for a month or so(still have the daily drama) and you think things are on the right track and then here comes some big drama filled event and your back to square one.

Sadly, the level of drama over the years has almost become normal for us and that is not good.  Since she has made these allegations it has opened our eyes that something is seriously wrong and its not just teenage stuff.
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lost father


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« Reply #12 on: February 09, 2011, 09:31:13 AM »

Stand strong on this one. I went through the very sae thing recently

DBPD rings my wie and makes accusations, i deal with wife and go through it factually. The more she bombarded us with facts of her event, the more it didnt add up, she was later caught up street waiting to see the result of her handy work.

This happened ona few accations.

She then informs me she has told all her and out family members, turns out she didnt. Dut then did change take and said how it felt when everyone rejected her stories as nonsense. I told her she would feel bad since she lied, SO her rejection from family and subsequent anger was blame on me,

She then said dhe ad been to police an logged a sexual assualt charge against me, no one came to see me, so guessing it didnt happen,

Now on phone i get, im sorry, i shouldnever of done/said those things, i was wrong to make them up. Her excuse she wanted me to be in as much pain as she felt. I told her to tell the truth and she said never

So if you stick to your guns, the nature of the beast means they will stuff up and then another hurdle is gone, she can use that again
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tm2k

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« Reply #13 on: February 09, 2011, 04:43:14 PM »

Thanks lost father.  I sat down and documented all of the strange behavior and mega drama that we have gone through over the last several years and its depressing to look at for sure.  I am trying to document everything to give to the investigators to better educating them on what we are dealing with.  I know they only look at the "now" but I want to make sure they see that this is not something new and there is a long history.

When looking back at things I noticed that most of her relationships ended in drama or they were abusive(supposedly).  It also makes me wonder what was real and what was not.  We have been at the police station on her behalf because of allegations she made against another boyfriend.  How much was true I don't think we will even know.
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