Fair Fighting Rules

[Think About It....]

Fair Fighting Rules
Philip M. Stahl, Ph.D.

When it comes to dealing with the children, it pays to learn the Fair Fighting Rules:

• Focus on solving a problem/reaching a solution rather than venting your anger or winning a victory.

• Deal with one issue at a time. No fair piling several complaints into one session.

• Stay focused on the present. Bringing up the past isn't fair

• State the problem clearly - think through what your complaint is, make sure you have all the facts.

• Avoid blaming the other parent.

• Use an "I-message" to state how you feel. When the kids come back from spending time with you they are often hungry. I am worried that they aren't getting enough to eat at your house.

• Be willing to listen to what the other parent has to say. Summarize what you hear the other person saying. This is called paraphrasing or active listening.

• Focus on the problem - not the person.

• Brainstorm solutions. Be willing to compromise. Give a little to get a little.

• Choose the best solution that will work for everybody - especially your kids.

• Implement the solution. If it doesn't work, schedule another time to talk and pick another solution.

Which of these do you not do well?  Why?

Skippy

[Skip]

Fair Fighting Rules
Philip M. Stahl, Ph.D.

When it comes to dealing with the children, it pays to learn the Fair Fighting Rules:

• Focus on solving a problem/reaching a solution rather than venting your anger or winning a victory.

• Deal with one issue at a time. No fair piling several complaints into one session.

• Stay focused on the present. Bringing up the past isn't fair

• State the problem clearly - think through what your complaint is, make sure you have all the facts.

• Avoid blaming the other parent.

• Use an "I-message" to state how you feel. When the kids come back from spending time with you they are often hungry. I am worried that they aren't getting enough to eat at your house.

• Be willing to listen to what the other parent has to say. Summarize what you hear the other person saying. This is called paraphrasing or active listening.

• Focus on the problem - not the person.

• Brainstorm solutions. Be willing to compromise. Give a little to get a little.

• Choose the best solution that will work for everybody - especially your kids.

• Implement the solution. If it doesn't work, schedule another time to talk and pick another solution.

Which of these do you not do well?  Why?

Skippy

[DreamGirl]

Just curious what other's thoughts were on this as what they do not do well in.

My vote was for ~ Dealing with One issue at a time.

...and a close second is bringing up past transgressions (from like 8 years ago even).

[timsbp]

• Brainstorm solutions. Be willing to compromise. Give a little to get a little.

This is something I have been strugling with lately. Not because it is hard for me to do but because I feel like everytime I compromise it comes back to bite me in the ass. My compromises are later used as weapons against me. For example I agreed that I would not go to the door of her house any more as that creates "tension". We agree to "curbside pickup" meaning I pull in the end of her driveway, honk the horn and wait for the kids to come out. That is later turned around into "curbside means you stay at the curb. You are violating the order by pulling into my driveway"! Then it gets brought up to the judge and distorted into "he keeps blocking the driveway so nobody can get in or out". Judge orders me to stay out of the driveway. Is it really wise to compromise with a pwBPD?

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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

[DreamGirl]

Is it really wise to compromise with a pwBPD?

I'm not sure.

I think for me, I have to know that compromise isn't 50/50 with a pwBPD. I think you can come close though like in the 60/40 range. 

I also try to live by the rule even though she doesn't seem to know how. The split could be 100/0 and she'd still be unhappy. She is far more accommodating though when she knows she's getting the better end of the stick...

[Wimowe]

Fair Fighting Rules
Philip M. Stahl, Ph.D.

• Deal with one issue at a time. No fair piling several complaints into one session.

• Stay focused on the present. Bringing up the past isn't fair

These two,  especially the first.

[Free One]

I really like how you laid these rules out. I copied and pasted, reworded a couple things and will post it at the house to work on with S8 and as a general reminder for myself. Thanks! 

[Rubies]

I do all of those things well with NORMAL people, and I did it quite well before the judge in family court.

With the BPDxh however, there never was fair fighting, focus toward solutions, compromise or anything healthy for anyone.  Only destruction until I had enforceable court orders.  I learned quickly I could not compromise one inch on anything, he would run over us by a mile.

[DreamGirl]

I do all of those things well with NORMAL people, and I did it quite well before the judge in family court.

With the BPDxh however, there never was fair fighting, focus toward solutions, compromise or anything healthy for anyone.  Only destruction until I had enforceable court orders.  I learned quickly I could not compromise one inch on anything, he would run over us by a mile.

Disordered souls don't always adhere to this list very well - I could site 100 instances where my husband's ex-wife has violated at least one or more of them at a time.

Doesn't mean that I shouldn't adhere to them. 

I think that this about us. Trying to see how we can sometimes contribute to the conflict - or not contribute to the conflict. We can also live/play by these rules and implement boundaries so that others can (or be encouraged to) as well when discussing issues with us.

[Rubies]

I had to go NC, visitation exchange at the cop shop, no variants on COs, and when he tried to engage, tell him to send me emails.  I did this to keep as much stress off DD as I could, and me too.   He got the visitation order he wanted, but he still wanted to screw around with our lives.  Nope.  Judge said No, too.

During 17 years of marriage, not one issue was ever resolved without his attempt at total destruction of everyone.  I didn't expect any different after he left.  I gave him once chance, he screwed it up and upset our daughter.  I let the judge deal with him.

DD turned 18 and went NC, she called and told him why.  He wrote a letter, refused to take responsibility for his actions or say he was wrong for taking her out of state against her will.  

Truly no working with some people no matter how people-skilled you are.