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Author Topic: One year ago this week...  (Read 640 times)
sea5045
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« on: January 10, 2012, 05:17:35 PM »

I have been feeling so melancholy and wanting to send my ex the last few things I gathered, and of course I have had no contact since October. But finding things of hers, getting a card addressed to her and I, all of that stuff has just kind of chipped away at me.

Then I realized one year ago this week is when she flew in to pick up her cats, raged at me on the phone, showed up at my place unannounced, and I stayed away and did not see her the whole weekend. She was so dysregulated and so inconsiderate of me and how hurting it was to let them go after taking care of them for 6 months. I had already realized how callous she had become by her making plans with high school friends and wanting me to meet her and people I didn't know at a bar. I told her I did not want to be her drinking buddy, and when ever she could consider me at all let me know.  She came and went ,and text me "Whew I got them on the plane, thanks for everything".  It was like everything she did hurt me, was insensitive, and I was afraid to be around her.

So why this desire to reconnect? To be nice and considerate and send her last things to her, what is wrong with me?  I am tired of feeling this, and it is an illusion because when I bumped into her in October, she was loud and boisterous, and it made me sad to see how immature she was...this is such an awful healing process, it is like the push pull is inside of me now...
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AwareNow
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« Reply #1 on: January 10, 2012, 07:59:02 PM »

sea5045,

From everything I can gather, no matter the rationale, you were in love with this woman. Experiencing a real love even when 'one-sided' is an experience that burns itself into our soul with such a flame we seek to recreate it even knowing the burn factor.

I too have experienced that desire to rekindle, am personally very Quixotic, faithful, eternally romantic and long suffering when it comes to the woman in my life, (at least I was long suffering, no more) That moment when we realize that we are pulling the emotional load in the relationship and our reserves are running on empty and there is no refueling coming from our partner, something begins to rumble inside. It may reverberate loudly at times but typically it increases as we witness the continual display of non-caring from our partner and it rapidly turns to an anger that cannot be denied.

Even though we recognize the pattern and a 'light flashes' in out brain, we too often rationalize, make excuses, stir up false hope, maybe even temporary duped by a momentary facade of caring from our mates. However, a true BPD will not remain in disguise for very long and when one player no longer dances the dance, changes take place. One of the other has an affair, moves out or terminates the relationship in some fashion.

It is generally the 'Non' who is left behind surveying the train wreck of emotions in front of them. The emotional script
that plays out from that point can range from initial rage, to sorrow, to tears, to regret, anger again, pleading,
depression and back to anger again. This scenario can play itself out over a long period of time. There is no time frame
to pass through this passage and it is indeed a passage.

It is never easy and once we have experienced what we beleive to be 'Love' we always feel incomplete without it. The silver lining in the clouds is that hopefully, once we come to terms with the 'reality' of our relationship' outside of our
romantic idealism, we have the opportunity to truly evolve into a more aware and stronger individual. And it all begins
with giving that person who looks back at us from the mirror the proper respect, love and commitment they deserve. Until we do that, it is unlikely anyone else will either.  Just keep moving forward. You're doing better than you think.

AN
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Suzn
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« Reply #2 on: January 10, 2012, 08:36:37 PM »

  sea Im just curious..are these things shes asked for? and even so if they were so important why did she leave them? When I went through my final breakup I went and got boxes and went through every drawer and corner of my house and packed all of her stuff and had it delivered by a friend. Or at least I thought I had everything gone. Ive run across a thing or two I missed...and you know were those things go? In the trash. Whatever it is she can repalce it..it wasnt important to her then and I doubt she misses whatever it is. Id rather throw it away than have to deal with any mean craziness. 
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“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.” ~Jacob M. Braude
sea5045
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« Reply #3 on: January 10, 2012, 09:15:31 PM »

  sea Im just curious..are these things shes asked for? and even so if they were so important why did she leave them? When I went through my final breakup I went and got boxes and went through every drawer and corner of my house and packed all of her stuff and had it delivered by a friend. Or at least I thought I had everything gone. Ive run across a thing or two I missed...and you know were those things go? In the trash. Whatever it is she can repalce it..it wasnt important to her then and I doubt she misses whatever it is. Id rather throw it away than have to deal with any mean craziness. 

No it is me wanting to give her things I bought or were hers because if I had known we were dissolving our relationship they are the things I would want her to have. But by posting I recognize that most likely she would get nasty because I would be a triggering mechanism for something she no longer wants to feel. It is my idealizing or something, Idon't know the holidays and no contact got me all sentimental or something.  But after seeing how others felt breaking no contact I'm sure I would regret it. For now I will just put them away in a closet there was no time to get them or divide things up, she impulsively moved in one week for a job, and came back two months later to get stuff piecemeal. It was me who cared about our things what they represented, apparently it did not matter to her.
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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?
This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
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