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Think About It.... Most high-conflict families have one or both parents who exhibit either narcissistic, obsessive-compulsive, histrionic, paranoid, or borderline traits. They may have parents who become rigid in their perception of the other and tend to deal with things in their extremes. The parents are polarized, viewing themselves as all good and the other as all bad. These parents focus on the traits within the other parent that reinforce this perception, and they approach each new conflict as verification of just how difficult the other parent is. These parents experience chronic externalization of blame, possessing little insight into their own role in the conflicts. They usually have little empathy for the impact of this conflict on their children. They routinely feel self-justified, believing that their actions are best for their children.. ~ Philip M. Stahl, Ph.D.
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Author Topic: So MAD, she lost ALL my son's pictures...  (Read 867 times)
MuGGzy
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« on: January 17, 2012, 10:57:09 AM »

Trying to stay on the MAD side of sad this am, BPDxW began texting me last night through my son, I have her blocked on my phone so she had to have him ask me to respond.

Seems she had a storage unit that she got behind $900 on! I don't know how much storage units are but I assume that's quite a bit more than 1-2 months behind. She had the nerve to ask me to pay it, when I said I didn't have it, she asked me to ask my mother or my fiancee? I am rarely shocked anymore but this is yet ANOTHER new level of crazy.
She began playing the angle of "everything from our son's LIFE is in there!" and suggested that if I tell others this that someone would want to pay the bill so she (we) could get all of the stuff out.
I know everything she says is a lie, she claims her credit cards are all maxed (she has worse credit than me and I cannot get a CC), that she lost her job (I doubt she ever had a job), and that her recent surgery left her broke after paying out of pocket (she never had surgery, if she went to the hospital it was seeking narcotics), so none of this is "her fault". Once again, she is just a victim.
She tried suggesting that if she loses the storage unit, which has boxes of our family photo albums, video tapes, random mementos like baby blankets and clothes, plus items from her deceased father, and "everything she owns" that she will have no reason to live blah blah blah.

I have been asking her every time she contacts me to get these pictures so I could make copies for MONTHS and of course since there was nothing in it for her she always blew me off, or didn't have time etc. NOW she comes to me asking me to pay almost $1000 to save all her crap and these pictures and thinks I am going to feel guilty or sympathetic to her? I have all of  like 4 pictures of my son from the first 16 years of his life and this btch lost everything else and expects ME to feel bad for her about it.
« Last Edit: January 18, 2012, 01:52:53 PM by Patty, Reason: Edited post in line with guidelines » Logged
tog
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« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2012, 11:02:38 AM »

Oy. I get your anger. The endless selfishness of my SO's stbx works every nerve I have.

Wonder if there is any way for you or your son to claim that property? Did she tell you where the storage unit was? You might be able to put some kind of lien on it (probably wrong word) to keep them from getting rid of stuff that belongs to you or your son. Don't know if the pictures qualify as that, but maybe.

Just a shot in the dark.

Sorry.  cry
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JustSaying
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« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2012, 11:43:21 AM »

I'd try to separate the emotion from it for a moment.

If 10 years from now I offered you $1000 to destroy all your kid's stuff, would you? Or if 10 years from now you could have all your kid's stuff back from the grave and it'd only cost you a grand, would you?

There's something of D's we threw out when she was an infant that I'd pay $1k for all by itself!

This isn't about X, much as she makes it seem that way. It's about you and your son's stuff.

Consider something like a promissory note with her whereby you pay the storage facility directly and you get first dibs at getting the pix and stuff from the unit so that you can make copies. Maybe you even hold all the key items in 'escrow' until she pays you back. If she never pays, at least you have the irreplaceable pictures. You can save the pix without giving her money...just change the rules on her.
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If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

MuGGzy
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« Reply #3 on: January 17, 2012, 12:00:43 PM »

The problem is, I have no way of knowing if there really IS a storage unit. If there IS, I have no way of FORCING her to let me get the stuff from it or telling me where it is and when I can go get stuff. I have ZERO faith that she will pay me back and I would have to borrow money from family to do it anyways. I would expect her to come up with some reason why I have to just give her the money and she would go "handle it", which of course I would not go for since she is a liar and a thief.
This is the same woman that stole my son's debit card and emptied my bank accts less than a month ago, leaving me broke and unable to access ANY of my accts over the xmas & new years holiday weekends.

Not to mention that this entire situation destroys the concept of NC, it results in me being further enmeshed with her and having to contact her on a regular basis. Plus then I get stuck paying the bill from now on and then wth do I do with all her crap?

I am going to call some of the storage places in her area and see if they will even verify that she HAS a unit.
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tog
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« Reply #4 on: January 17, 2012, 12:07:34 PM »

Right, could just be a ploy to get money or attention or break NC.

What if you told her that you would consider paying the bill but first wanted the storage unit information to verify existence/cost?

If it's just money she wants, she probably won't give you any info. If she really does want the pictures etc, maybe she would.
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MuGGzy
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« Reply #5 on: January 17, 2012, 12:28:31 PM »

Well I just got off the phone with the storage place.
She had OVER $1000 in back rent on her unit. She had made arrangements numerous times with the owners, promising to come in and pay her back rent and never showed. She basically rented the unit, paid the initial starting payment, then never another dime, they have been trying to get ahold of her for MONTHS.
I guess she told the manager of the place that she got money from a church to pay it and would be in there this AM, and never showed.
The unit is going up for auction in about 20 minutes.

The small "up" side is that when someone buys a unit in auction they are legally not allowed to keep anything "personal". So any paperwork or pictures and such has to be turned back over to the storage facility and they call the family to get someone to come pick up the junk. Since they have no good contact number for her, I left my number and asked that they call me if and when any pictures get turned in from that unit.  The lady was really nice and it sounds like her experience with my ex is about "normal" for her, lots of lies and promises that were never followed up on. Now she has lost all the furniture and belongings she took from me when I kicked her out. The pathetic part is even now she will not learn any lesson, it will still be someone else's fault, she is still the "victim" that has had this bad thing done to her again.
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JustSaying
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« Reply #6 on: January 17, 2012, 12:31:46 PM »

A shame you can't get there and bid. Talk the others into letting it go to you with a sob story.

Good luck! Hope you get the pix. This could work out where you get all you want and it costs you nada.
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catnap
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« Reply #7 on: January 17, 2012, 12:37:47 PM »

I hope you get the pictures if they were in the unit.  Keep us posted. 
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tog
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« Reply #8 on: January 17, 2012, 01:19:35 PM »

Wow! How did you find the storage facility so quickly?

Of course it will be someone else's fault...it will be YOUR fault. I'm always amazed at the mental gymnastics SO's ex does to avoid taking responsibility.

I hope you get the pictures back.
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MuGGzy
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« Reply #9 on: January 17, 2012, 03:59:25 PM »

Wow! How did you find the storage facility so quickly?

Of course it will be someone else's fault...it will be YOUR fault. I'm always amazed at the mental gymnastics SO's ex does to avoid taking responsibility.

I hope you get the pictures back.

I asked her where the unit was last night in between her attempts at inducing guilt and she told me the street it was on, so I just called the two that were on that street.

I know it's petty but I want so badly to throw salt in the wound and text her something like "So are you still alive? Pussy I knew you wouldn't have the guts to do it!". Why do I always have to be "the bigger person" damnit?
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JustSaying
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« Reply #10 on: January 17, 2012, 04:09:05 PM »

You gotta be the bigger person be/c that's actually the best way to get your point across. You know what they say about wrestling a pig...you both get covered in s--t and the pig likes it. If you texted that to her, she'd actually like it at some level and then feel justified in all her actions. Why give her that gift?

If you're able to follow through with the storage place, get what you need, and not say another thing to x...that's a pure victory on all levels. You'll be able to smile for years at pulling that one off.
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tog
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« Reply #11 on: January 17, 2012, 04:36:59 PM »

You have to be the bigger person because you ARE the bigger person. I know my SO would love to fire back at stbx with everything he's got, but IMHO, then he's sinking to her level. And it won't work, because I KNOW she can keep up the fight much longer than he can. She lives for that kind of conflict. If he could have "won" that way he wouldn't have had to leave.

Hope you get your pictures and get back to NC quickly. smiley
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azmomm2
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« Reply #12 on: January 17, 2012, 05:13:15 PM »

I hope you get the pictures back!
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Kattgirl
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« Reply #13 on: January 18, 2012, 01:25:30 PM »

Why do I always have to be "the bigger person" damnit?

Believe me, Muggzy, I've asked myself that question so many times.

Would you rather be the type of person she is?   ;p

Which type of person do you want to be for your son?

BTW, how do you know she's even telling the truth about all those photos/mementos being in the storage unit?  Could she be lying about what's in there because she knows it would push your buttons/motivate you to put up the cash?
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- Kattgirl
You've got to roll with the punches and get to what's real.
zoso80
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For the moment, doing the banana split!


« Reply #14 on: January 24, 2012, 12:13:22 PM »

+1!

DxBPDgf left all her pictures (her baby pix, son's childhood pix and youngest daughter's early childhood pix) at an apartment she'd been evicted from. Needless to say, they were all thrown in the dumpster because she just left and didn't take her mementos. The landlord had to clean it because she just abandoned the apartment.

Of course, the story became the landlord lied and didn't honor what they said. Which, knowing exBPD, the normal M.O. is she either misunderstood the landlord or is just using her version of events as a cover story. I'm pretty versed in her patterns.

The sad upshot is there are two children who have very, very few pictures of themselves from birth to 4 (the girl) and 9 (the boy).

Inexcusable!

I hope you get the pictures back!

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MuGGzy
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« Reply #15 on: February 14, 2012, 05:20:39 PM »

Well I actually got a call from the storage place, the buyer DID show up with a huge box of pictures and since they could not reach her they would release them to any family member that showed up.
So I went and got them and sorted through them over the weekend. I am SO glad to have these back. There was every school photo of my son and tons of stuff from family trips that I had totally forgotten ever taking. It was really cool and I felt pretty blessed to have been able to get this stuff back.

I sorted them and took out almost everything that had ONLY HER in them, or pics of her with other male "friends" on trips I either didn't know about, or had intentionally just forgotten about. Plus a bunch of photo albums from her childhood and of her mom and dad, her father passed away when she was 6 (part of the BPD slide I am sure) so I know she cherished these albums, as much as any BPD CAN value something.

So now I have a box of my photos (or my son) and a box of hers. At my GFs suggestion I did leave some pics of all of us in my box so that my son might someday look back and have SOME good memories, or at least I will let HIM decide to throw them away, either way I didn't keep them for ME.

Now I have a decision to make. I have this box of stuff that I know if I offered them to her she would want them. However, I resent the fact that she let this stuff get taken because she didn't pay her bill. She opened the account with them and then never came back or made any plans to actually KEEP the unit, until she called me in a panic begging me to save her precious belongings literally hours before it was auctioned off.
Part of me wants to just burn the box of her stuff, and part wants to just give it to her, or maybe one of her family members since I doubt she has any place to actually keep it safe.

I also may use them as a lure to get her to meet me so I can have her ARRESTED too!

I have not decided what I am going to do yet...



PS. She called me at my desk yesterday to tell me that she was at the Good Will depot (where they let you dig through bins before they are sorted and washed to be sent to the stores) to tell me the GOOD NEWS, that she had found all her clothes and our sons baby blankets etc. I guess the buyer of the unit just took her clothes and dumped them there. She was talking very fast and obviously still using and I did not mention the pictures at all.
« Last Edit: February 14, 2012, 05:26:50 PM by MuGGzy » Logged
azmomm2
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« Reply #16 on: February 14, 2012, 06:38:02 PM »

I would be the bigger person and give them back to her (or her family). It is up to her to keep them safe or not. I would also put SOME of the pictures of your son in there. No matter what she's done, she's still his mom.

It would be purely evil to burn them... don't do that.
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JustSaying
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« Reply #17 on: February 14, 2012, 08:46:52 PM »

I'm so happy for you that you got them back. Now that you have them, there's nothing to be gained from not giving her her stuff. Do it because it's the right thing. Let the resentment go.
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zoso80
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For the moment, doing the banana split!


« Reply #18 on: February 15, 2012, 03:22:44 AM »

I'm glad you got them back!

I'd make copies (or scans) of all the pictures of you son and the ones you want to save. No matter what happens going forward there is a copy somewhere.

JustSaying has a really valid point. Holding on to her pictures promotes resentment and anger on your part.  Look at it like closure. By great fortune were able to save your sons history, those priceless pictures are safe. Now, let go of hers.  Even though she sounds like a mess, her pictures are her history. To deny her them isn't right.

Give them back and let go.  If she loses them again, that's her loss.

You'll be able to look in the mirror down the road and say to yourself you made the right choice.

Best,



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Rose1
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« Reply #19 on: February 15, 2012, 03:53:49 AM »

Consider too if your children would like some of just her - they may. In truth she is irresponsible and they are your children's in the long run. I have kept my wedding photos - for my d's not for me and all the photos of them as children - exBPDh has never asked for anything in that regard and won't- out of sight out of mind. Best they stay with the people who will treasure them.
Rose
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