Change is desperately needed.

[Think About It....]

For the past 4 days or so my BPDw has been drunk or drugged and complaining about how she hates me and has endured years of "abuse" from me (the irony here is so thick considering her rages and other behaviors) and how she is "done" with me. Tonight said she wants to die and asked me to call 911 for her. I dialed, but then just as they answered she asked me to hang up, and that she didn't mean it. When they called back, she said the kids had been playing with the phone. About 8 minutes later, 3 police officers appeared at the door. I told them everything and let them in to talk to her. She denied having made suicidal comments, said I had misrepresented what she said and that she didn't need medical attention and insisted she was ok. It was clear that she was intoxicated. However, one of the officers took me aside and said that if I had not been there, they would have removed the kids. He expressed concern about her being left alone to watch them and wanted to know if she was alone with them while I was at work. Fortunately, I was able to assure him that she was not alone in charge of them for any significant amount of time.

I won't risk having my kids taken by CPS. But all this is so far out of my experience I'm afraid I've accepted stuff as normal that anyone else would immediately recognize as crazy. Should I consult an attorney? What advice can anyone offer?

[rogerroger]

For the past 4 days or so my BPDw has been drunk or drugged and complaining about how she hates me and has endured years of "abuse" from me (the irony here is so thick considering her rages and other behaviors) and how she is "done" with me. Tonight said she wants to die and asked me to call 911 for her. I dialed, but then just as they answered she asked me to hang up, and that she didn't mean it. When they called back, she said the kids had been playing with the phone. About 8 minutes later, 3 police officers appeared at the door. I told them everything and let them in to talk to her. She denied having made suicidal comments, said I had misrepresented what she said and that she didn't need medical attention and insisted she was ok. It was clear that she was intoxicated. However, one of the officers took me aside and said that if I had not been there, they would have removed the kids. He expressed concern about her being left alone to watch them and wanted to know if she was alone with them while I was at work. Fortunately, I was able to assure him that she was not alone in charge of them for any significant amount of time.

I won't risk having my kids taken by CPS. But all this is so far out of my experience I'm afraid I've accepted stuff as normal that anyone else would immediately recognize as crazy. Should I consult an attorney? What advice can anyone offer?

[Matt]

You should definitely consult an attorney and find out your options.  Things work differently in different states.

To consult an attorney, you do not need to decide now about divorce, and you do not need to retain the attorney.  You can talk with more than one if you want.  Some give a free initial consultation, or you can pay for her time - maybe half an hour at first, just to ask some questions.

It will help if you know the outcome you think would be best.  For example, if you want to end the marriage and have full custody of the kids, and remain in the home, that may be difficult to achieve but there may be a way to do it.

If your wife's behavior reaches a certain level, such as false accusations or violence, it may be possible to document that and have her removed from the home.  Documenting it may be hard to do, but in some states it's legal to audio-record without the other party's knowledge.

[JustSaying]

But all this is so far out of my experience I'm afraid I've accepted stuff as normal that anyone else would immediately recognize as crazy. Should I consult an attorney?

I felt the same about things I was experiencing. I consulted an attorney. I described a number of the things that had happened. The attorney said, "Based on what you've described to me, this rates an 8 on a zero to ten scale, and if I was your attorney I'd be seeking full custody for you." The number 'eight' shocked me because, like you, I was accepting things as normal that absolutely were not. You would likely also benefit from an independent assessment of how serious your situation is.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

[Matt]

It may also be worthwhile consulting with a criminal defense attorney, to find out ways to protect yourself from false accusations.

Some things we've learned here, the hard way - many of us have been accused of stuff as a relationship falls apart...

Keep an overnight bag in your trunk in case you need to spend the night away from home.

Keep your wallet and keys on you, or handy.

Make sure she doesn't have access to your computer.

Know someplace you can stay - a friend or cheap hotel nearby.

Make sure there are no weapons in the house.

Find a criminal defense attorney and memorize his phone number.  If the police show up, call him, and don't talk to them until he arrives.

If she gets upset, just leave for awhile, or overnight.

[rogerroger]

Matt:
Thank you. I will take all of the steps you have suggested.
I should have some time tomorrow to make a few calls to attorneys.

[david]

If you have to leave you MUST take the kids with you. Otherwise you are telling the courts the children are fine with her in your opinion. That will not be easy to overcome.
Document everything you can. Record everything you can. It may not be allowed in court but a policeman will listen to it if you are accused of DV and may prevent you from being arrested and put in jail. Also a custody evaluartor can listen to the tapes.
I was in court and was put in jail under false allegations by BPDw. I was in court months later and the judge yelled at me for saying I had a video camera on me at all times to protect myself from any further false allegations. It is against the law in my state to record but I explained to the judge that I couldn't think of another way to protect myself. If I went to jail again I let it be known that the video would be on you tube and also sent to major news networks. He yelled some more and then let me leave. I view it as some people don't like being held accountable.

[david]

Another thing. Bpodw filed a protection order against me in which she wanted me evicted from the house. That was denied but a protection order against me was granted. Both of us had attorneys. The next day she came with several police cars in tow. They told me I needed to leave because of the court order she was holding. I explained that the judge didn't sign the order so it was not valid. They told me that didn't matter. I literally was standing in the driveway calling my atty. The atty talked to the officer and explained I was telling the truth. Bpdw simply said, " Oh, I'm sorry officer. I must have misunderstood what happened the other day." BULL**** !

[Waddams]

Keep a wad of cash hidden somewhere too.  Enough for a night or two at a hotel and something to eat.  If you use a credit card, it shows up real time these days on bank statements online.  Makes it easy for someone to track you down when you don't want to be found. 

I kept two days worth of work clothes, toiletry kit, and $250 cash in my trunk when I was going through that phase.  She eventually discovered it and went ballistic.  So I removed it, but then real stealthily moved it to my office and kept it stashed under my desk. 

So happy she's gone, even moved to another state now, and I'm totally free of that drama now.

[motwgk]

Maybe not everything in this link is applicable yet, but it sounds like you need to be prepared.

http://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divorce_forum/viewtopic.php?t=13374

[Matt]

Maybe not everything in this link is applicable yet, but it sounds like you need to be prepared.

http://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divorce_forum/viewtopic.php?t=13374

It's an interesting site...

One of the things we work on here is trying to find a middle ground between clueless and naiive on one hand, and aggressive or combative on the other hand.

Many of us start out clueless and naiive, and we get our clocks cleaned.  It's way better to avoid that if you can, by learning about how the legal process works where you live - not just the divorce/custody stuff, but the criminal aspects - how to avoid being charged with a crime you didn't commit.

Then we often swing way to the other side.  We see the other party doing some things that are wrong - false accusations, parental alienation - and it's pretty easy to label the other party as "evil", and to anticipate nothing but the worst possible behavior.

There is a middle ground - and here is where I have some problems with web sites like that.  The middle ground is to get all the information to protect yourself - think about what the other party might do, and find ways to minimize your risk - and at the same time look for ways to minimize the conflict (without giving up things that are important to you).  We can look to our own choices, and ask if anything I'm doing might provoke the other party, and is it something I really need to do, or can I make simple changes to avoid conflict, without feeling like I'm walking on eggshells all the time...