How to set boundaries for silent treatment? And explaining their behaviours...

[Guardian_Angel123]

I've been absorbing a lot of information, and I still have a long long way to go before fully applying all the techniques (although I think they may be working slightly)

There is just one thing I cannot get my head around.

The silent treatment, sometimes my pwBPD will just reject me, just stop talking to me, no telling me or alerting me or saying if she will be back, she just doesn't acknowledge I exist.

There are a variety of triggers, sometimes its because she is upset with me, or she thinks I am yelling or, anything... .

I can't validate her if she doesn't recognise my presence. How can I set a boundary? What consequences can I set which aren't threats. If I leave and let her be, surely she is still rejecting me and that is giving her what she wants (especially as she does it a lot to avoid difficult conversations) in the past I would just be so tortured by this method, I would grow anxious and anxious, do shameful crazy things like ringing her and texting her way too much (These actions and fear of abandonment sometimes wonder whether I have BPD) to the point where I would get so anxious and paranoid and crazy that I would just say I was done with her, and I was going to inform her parents of her behaviour so they could look after her... .(Then she starts talking ) I am going to try and see a therapist for my issues soon, but in the medium to long term, how do I deal with this... .

I tried to just ignore her, and it actually worked I sent her a text and said "If you aren't going to reply then I will have no further contact with you, if you wanna talk you know where I am." but that was through text... .When its not back and forth but a persistent presence (for example on an instant messaging program- oh and she never signs out or leaves herself uncontactable. She's actually told me, made it a point to tell me, she reads everything I say. Why? Why does she not just sign out, block my number. She sits there reading that this is hurting me, me saying if you want me to leave you alone then just be civil.) I find it much harder... .It is difficult because I have others on there who I talk to, so if I sign out I am rejecting them too, and if I block her then that feels like punishing her... .

Today actually, she actually reacted maturely for the first time I've known her, I don't know what I did to trigger it, I didn't react particularly well to her silent treatment, although I have been trying to validate her (boy its actually hard, especially as she isn't up front about her feelings) and she told me "I just need some alone time right now I'll talk to you later, I am trying not to stress... ." I was dumbstruck, I told her how well she did, and gave her what she wanted with no trouble... .

I'll see how she is tomorrow, ask her what caused the new behaviour... .Her BPD is truly out of control, out of treatment, and its just... .Chaos really.

That what has actually started this bad spell, I tried to talk to her about everything I learned on here; explaining to her the actions which she told me she "didn't know why she did it" or "didn't know how she felt" I explained to her craving to be needed, I explained how she pushed me away because we were becoming too close and she was afraid of abandonment, pointed out her need to have a back up (IE me, and a bisexual female friend of her who she told me she had strong feelings for, possibly stronger feelings than her boyfriend.) And how when she split me black she hated me, felt I was abusive and horrible, and now she doesn't feel the same way.

I explained her lack of an identity, and how she mirrors people, and encouraged her to introspect and look at her "love" for her boyfriend... .She seemed to accept what I was saying but then shut down, telling me she shouldn't be sharing her emotions or get her mind dissected, validating her eased it a bit, and she managed to answer some questions (mostly with I dunno, and one word answers)

Today she got stressed at me, but she actually told me she realises she has a problem, and sees how serious it is, then she actually took the mature approach and told me she needed some time alone. (I know she was talking to her boyfriend, but hell it was better than *randomly stops responding* or even better just "." in response)

What to do now, I don't know how to create a consequence or set a boundary for this, how am I supposed to protect myself from something that is passive, even if I go away and ignore her it still hurts, and I have to deal with the anxiety and dpanic attacks and... .

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[bpdlover]

That's a tough question. I explained a lot to my ex and she really didn't take much on board. They find it hard to apply any advice as the pattens of behaviour are well set up and will take extensive therapy to change. It will hurt when she is there and it will hurt when she is not. That's the toxic game they play. BPD is crazy. My ex has been out of my life for almost two years and she has my child. I have gone through very intense hurt at her sudden departure in the early months. Now, things are getting a lot better and I don't think about her in romantic terms anymore. She is just a sad, toxic woman who has an illness that not only hurts herself but traps others in a cycle unless they find a way to see it in reality and escape. It became habitual to help her after she fell pregnant and she then went about trying to destroy me, break up by break up. The isolation got progressively worse and then she fed her ego with my almost debilitating pain. They shut down and flirt with others and this torture becomes the status quo. I would be letting her set the pace and not responding unless requested, otherwise be polite, nice and break free of it. The problem is she is playing an emotionally shallow game and you are invested. Are you seeking any treatment or therapy? You need to deal with the abuse you are receiving.

[SmileAnyway]

I like to think of a boundary like this: 

It is somewhere (or state) you go to in an attempt to prevent further harm to your self. 

It should be a pleasant place that nurtures you.

The silent treatment is my nemisis - 3 months to date!  Yes three months!  Somedays their insults almost feel like an improvement.  There is nothing worse that being denied as a member of the human race and this is exactly what they try to do to us.

So, if she ignores me... .or insults me... .I disengage from her and go and do my own thing.  I don't hang around for more of the same.  Each time I come back, I attempt to be polite and courteous, but I refuse to line myself up for more abuse.  This is my boundary.  Sometimes it can be bliss.  I can get along, do my own thing, maintain friendships and frankly I am not scrutinized.  But it is far from ideal and their actions are very hurtful.

After 3 months of this, I think I could take a day or two or even a week with out flinching in the future.  Some space is a good thing in a r/s, but its best to discuss and agree this upfront - Hey honey, I need some space today - is something most spouses wouldn't object to.  When we are subjected to the silent treatment without conference, then it is meant to be abusive, its meant to hurt and its very much their attempt to CONTROL us and regain the UPPER HAND over us.

The boundary is there to protect you... .to show yourself love, even if they never come back round.

[isilme]

You can't really validate once things have hit a rage.  The silent treatment is just a quiet rage.  Rage is not limited to yelling, screaming, and physical acts.  It's a state of mind, not a state of action - does that make sense? 

By the time you have found yourself being attacked with the silent treatment, validation is long too late.  So take a break, and don't talk to her.  You understand not to try to communicate with an overtly angry person - the same applies with a covertly angry person.  The emotions are the same, even if the MO is not.

So just like you would if you were facing a ranting, screaming person, take a break - leave the house, leave the room, don't bother trying to talk to her until the rage has passed.

I faced this this weekend - we had an argument start over a blooming MMOPRG we play together - it was the kind of argument you can only 'fix' by going back in time and altering the space-time continuum.  He'd told me has was going to make me some armor - he did NOT tell me he was going to bankrupt his virtual account doing so, and that he was going to make things I was not able to use.  I was like, oh, jeez, I can't wear any of this, here it is back.  He freaked over wasted time (cuz an MMO is not a waste of time? - I like them, but really?  Do they cure cancer?) and 'money'.  So I paid him for the materials and then some, and no longer wanted to play.  He wanted me to stay on the game with him for hours, while he typed nasty things at me from the other room.  I said, "No, I am not going to play a game I will not enjoy.  I apologize for the communication problem and made up for your in-game inconvenience, but that's all I can do - and I no longer want to play, and you can't tell me you really want to play, now, in this mood, either."  I logged off, turn off the computer, and stood firm that I was not going to play a game with an angry person - he tried baiting me and I tried not to rise to it.  So he shut himself away in the office, ignoring me all day, so I read my book, played with my cat, and took a nap.  He hid in there for almost 12 hours, ignoring food, pouting.  I've learned that it rarely helps to mention the argument after it's over, unless it was a red-letter subject - playing an MMORPG is not.  He came out just ebfore bed, was somewhat non-communicative, and then was fine the next morning.

So you cannot validate once the rage has started, even if the rage is quiet.  You have to let your pwBPD eat their worms, and go about your own business as you want and need to, and eventually, like the toddler that realizes no one is watching him sulk, it passes.  And you can work on validating before Defcon 3, next time. 

[Auspicious]

A boundary is a "rule" for you, not her.

E.g.

"I will not stay in the room with someone who is shouting at me."


A boundary is about protecting you, not controlling someone else's behavior (which is good, because you can't).

[committed]

I used to deal with the silent treatment at the beginning stage of my relationship. It is one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with. After about the fourth time, I had to ask myself... ."why am I allowing myself to be treated like this, with such utter disrespect? Is this really the type of relationship I want to be in?" The answer to my first question was because I did not have enough respect for myself, and the answer to the second question was a resounding NO!

Of course, I loved my BF and we had great times together when he wasn't dysregulated, but it was time for me to set some boundaries FOR MYSELF. The last time he gave me the silent treatment was the last time he gave me the silent treatment and it was about 3 years ago. He had gotten over whatever he was mad about and decided to start talking with me again. I looked him in the eyes and said "I will not go through this again. The next time you decide to ignore me and give me the silent treatment will be the last time. I will be done with this relationship and will leave." I made sure he knew I was dead serious. I told him I cared about myself enough not to allow myself to be treated in this manner.

And, it hasn't happened again. And, I know that if that were to return... .I would walk away.

I don't know if you are in a marriage or a dating relationship (haven't read any of your background. I'm in a dating relationship, no kids involved and I know it is easier for me to walk then for someone who has other more indepth ties.

My advice is to take a deep look at the relationship and determine what it is you will tolerate and live with and what is important in regards to taking care of you. And, then make a decision about what you feel you need to do. No one, mental illness or not, has to live in an environment where there is this level of disrespect. Sure, we are all going to deal with some level of dysregulation; it goes along with being involved with a person with a mental illlness. But decide for yourself what level is too much.

Good luck!

[argyle]

There are a boundaries that can be set... .

'I will not stay in a R/S with someone who gives me the silent treatment.'

'I will not stay in the house with someone who gives me the silent treatment.'

I haven't seen better.  OTOH, I'd take the silent treatment as a relief, as a rule.

--Argyle

[sometimesnow]

Hey

I am in the middle of a 3 month long silent treatment also.

long story how it started. i guess since i can only control "me"

and i am not in the position to leave if it continues as i have three

daughters, i decided to try to enjoy my free time as much as possible. i am not there yet, but trying to force this man to do things with me is a guarantee of pain. he seems to be thriving in his self made isolation. that really hurts too, as i want him to be missing me and in pain and he clearly is not.

so, i am trying to get on with my life as he continues to ex clude me.

so far, i have tried three different support groups, cant find the right one,

tried doing more things with single people... .sometimes works

sometimes does not.

tried to work on just me, as that is all i can control

silent treatment is punish ment for sure, but if you look at it a certain way perhaps growth can occurr for you. i am not saying in anway this is okay because it isnt and it is abusive. but if you are likeme and cant leave, then do what you can to enjoy your life regardless.

if he were incapacitated due to a brain injury you would still be alone. i know this is more hurtful as it is intended to be hurtful. so the best revenge is a hppy life. i know its not easy but i am trying oh so very hard.

hugs, connection and light your light.

[SmileAnyway]

Yes silent treatment can really hurt for the following reasons:

:'( You are treated as non-existent

:'( Opportunities to talk-through the problem are massively restricted

:'( Fear of forcing conversations resulting in insults/rages

But since we can't control them and change them, we can only work on what we can acheive and silent treatment does give scope for personal development, e.g.

 Less scrutiny of our motives, desires, whereabouts = Greater Freedom

 Opportunity to pursue healthy r/s with family and friends

 Space to develop learnt skills, hobbies, pastimes, relaxation

If you have children, they will undoubtedly notice all is not well.  But they will desire one parent who is relaxed, stable, reliable and generally less reactive.  So, getting our mind around the 'hand we have been dealt' will enable us to deliver these characteristics for the sake of our children. These characteristics are also better for our own well being... .and long term, less triggering to the pwBPD.

If my u/pwBPD/w wants to be quiet, I let her, I don't chase her for attention.

If my wife is 'tutting,' 'scowling' whilst delivering the silent treatment, I let her get on with it, no point trying to argue her into better behaviour

If she acts insultingly (a one way hit-and-run), then I invoke the boundary and leave the space

  I can't make her feel better

  I can't change her mind

  But I can take care of me

  A healthier/sure-footed me, equals the 'best I can be' in the present circumstances

 

[LoveNotWar]

My H does the silent treatment to avoid discussion on a topic he doesn't want to talk about as well as when he's angry with me. But he will gesture to communicate, oh brother, sometimes I almost start laughing but I can just imagine that tirade so I reign it in.

Seriously, my biggest issue is setting boundaries so I appreciate the comments about this being another kind of rage and what I am learning from this board is I should have a boundary for any kind of rage. There's no trying to validate during rage. THANK YOU ALL!

[SmileAnyway]

Yes, another positive aspect of the silent treatment is that it emphasizes in me their mental illness... .

Seriously, the things they do in this state, there is no other explanation:

 Avoiding eye contact

 Ignoring questions, even with others observing

 Seeking own company (isolating self)

 Disapproving glares, tutting, sighs

 Rejecting assistance in small matters for example making them a drink

For all the hatred they display toward you, they seem not to reject the following:

 Financial support of the breadwinner

 Assistance with tasks they find difficult or inconvenient to them

 Putting on the act, that they are a supportive spouse (to on-lookers)

BIGGEST THING TO REMEMBER THOUGH:  These traits are the manifestation of a mental illness.  They have little control over the void/hurt they feel and the way it plays out.  As 'nearest and dearest' we find our self their prime target for the abuse their condition promotes. 

[SmileAnyway]

  Bizarrely a person only 'acts in a certain way' toward someone they have feelings about.  If we were truly 'nobody' to them, we would be treated as they treat the man in the street.  Their abusive actions are the result of having dyregulated feelings for us.

[bpdlover]

Would an RO and almost two years NC for ex and child pass for silent treatment?

[tuum est61]

SmileAnyway  Hi!

Your posts here are immensely helpful. If you were to look through my posts lately there is quite a bit more anger, frustration, and doubt around my choice to stay.  As I have posted elsewhere in the last 24 hours, I have arranged for my d 14 to stay with a friend for a while due to the emotional abuse and extreme distress she is under due to my wife's BPD.  I am sad and angry about that.    

Your words quoted here were particularly relavent to me right now:

If you have children, they will undoubtedly notice all is not well.  But they will desire one parent who is relaxed, stable, reliable and generally less reactive.  So, getting our mind around the 'hand we have been dealt' will enable us to deliver these characteristics for the sake of our children. These characteristics are also better for our own well being... .and long term, less triggering to the pwBPD.

 

I am clearly seeing my wifes BPD to now to be "our" BPD - rather than just my wifes - and providing a more relaxed environment can potentially be something my daughter can follow my lead on.   At least I have to accept its "ours" if I indeed am choosing to stay.

It would seem that you may have have direct experience in helping your children deal with a mothers BPD?  If so, or even if it the experience of others or your own astute observations, do you have any other advice in addition to the "take ownership and lead by example" advice above?  Note there's an additional "layer" in that d14 is my daughter - her stepdaughter.

PS. Did you just use SET on us "nons" with your first post on silent treatment?  It looks like it!  But you know something? - taking time to lay it out worked - made me feel better - even though I know you "used" it on me!  Powerful stuff    

[SmileAnyway]

Hello m61,   Hi!

Thank you for your validating comments and making me feel understood on an otherwise poor day!   

The stuff we learn on this board helps us all doesn't it!   

I am definitely learning on-the-job.  And I think it is often easier to advise from a step back, than to put some of these really difficult steps into action inside a r/s we are emotionally and otherwise invested in.

First I would say to you - feel proud that you have taken decisive action to look after your daughter.  She will remember that!  You did the right thing!   

Second, I agree, to have any chance of survival in these toxic r/s, we must (1) recognize this is a shared problem, as the marriage vow goes: 'in sickness and in health'.  Detachment is a great tool and should be practiced, but Detachment within the r/s isn't about virtual-divorce, but more a stepping away from hurting.  nevertheless any illness impacts on the well partner too, (2) Love the person, hate (and educate our self) about the condition.  It is futile to try and reason on the unreasonable. Anyway likely the real culprit, is the person who abused them.  It helps me to pigeon hole the behavior as mental illness. That way I can love her, but hate the result of her illness.

Third, as for helping a child deal with a mothers BPD, this is a real challenge.  How much you tell them depends on their age and fragility I think.  My child is very minor and I fear having my words repeated back and then providing a massive trigger.  So I simply just try to be my child's 'rock' so to speak.  I attempt to make their time with me a 'time out' from stress.  If things are hotting up at home, I include my child in my boundary of leaving the house.  I usually do this under the guise of a trip out/treat.  I am a big believer in not criticizing my wife's actions behind her back and this applies to my child too.  In my child's case though I don't want them growing up believing this is a normal way to treat the one you love (or hate for that matter), so I find myself tactfully readjusting viewpoints one-to-one.

Fourth, I didn't intentionally use SET on the nons - honest! but must say I see that formula as a great tool for all my r/ss.  I perhaps focus more on SET than other V tools.  They work for me and make sense.  I work in a public facing environment, so find it useful practice.

 

[LoveNotWar]

Thank you everyone,   I am going to go and read all the tools again like I'm gonna have a test on them then pick one or two that I think I can use and master them. Time to build my tool box!

I didn't start this post but I sure am learning!

[Issy]

I used to deal with the silent treatment at the beginning stage of my relationship. It is one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with. After about the fourth time, I had to ask myself... ."why am I allowing myself to be treated like this, with such utter disrespect? Is this really the type of relationship I want to be in?" The answer to my first question was because I did not have enough respect for myself, and the answer to the second question was a resounding NO!

Of course, I loved my BF and we had great times together when he wasn't dysregulated, but it was time for me to set some boundaries FOR MYSELF. The last time he gave me the silent treatment was the last time he gave me the silent treatment and it was about 3 years ago. He had gotten over whatever he was mad about and decided to start talking with me again. I looked him in the eyes and said "I will not go through this again. The next time you decide to ignore me and give me the silent treatment will be the last time. I will be done with this relationship and will leave." I made sure he knew I was dead serious. I told him I cared about myself enough not to allow myself to be treated in this manner.

And, it hasn't happened again. And, I know that if that were to return... .I would walk away.

I don't know if you are in a marriage or a dating relationship (haven't read any of your background. I'm in a dating relationship, no kids involved and I know it is easier for me to walk then for someone who has other more indepth ties.

My advice is to take a deep look at the relationship and determine what it is you will tolerate and live with and what is important in regards to taking care of you. And, then make a decision about what you feel you need to do. No one, mental illness or not, has to live in an environment where there is this level of disrespect. Sure, we are all going to deal with some level of dysregulation; it goes along with being involved with a person with a mental illlness. But decide for yourself what level is too much.

Good luck!

I'm sorry to jump into this thread that has last been active 2 years ago, but this post strikes me. Wow, I can't believe you managed to get such results with setting such a boundary. This gives me hope.

My good friend I very much love is giving me the silent treatment for months now. I cannot deal with it anymore. Can I just in the middle of the silent treatment set a boundary? Just the one you did? And apart from that, I reaaallly don't want to leave! Are there other options for consequences? Please help... .

[bounty]

We are going on three weeks.  The argument was bad and I said that sometimes I cringe when I see him arrive home ... .because I do ... .I always think, now what will he find me doing wrong I'm always on eggshells.  Well, he got really upset and wouldn't talk so I sent him a text saying we need to talk to discuss whether we need a divorce or counseling.  Funny they do the silent treatment on the phone too.  Well I buckled down and went about my business being happy and productive, then yesterday he came in the house and started telling me a story just like we had been talking all along ... .CRAZY!

I know we need to sit down and discuss things but it seems like he just wants to ignore any problems.  So I am barely acknowledging him. 

Does that make me bad? How do I break this.  Right now I really despise him he has done so many hurtful things to me.  WE sleep in different rooms and really do not do anything together anymore, also our children are out of the house now.