ever hear "Your just lookin for a fight" "there YOU GO"

[Think About It...]

trying to talk about the smallest of things with my H leads to this type of response. i also posted the body posture thing. pretty much, not matter what i do, i am accussed of wanting to fight, starting a fight, or enjoying fighting. none of this is true for me. i usually want connection.
i have no idea where this is coming from, but i dont want to hear that anymore so i am not going to try to talk to him anymore. very painful.

[sometimesnow]

trying to talk about the smallest of things with my H leads to this type of response. i also posted the body posture thing. pretty much, not matter what i do, i am accussed of wanting to fight, starting a fight, or enjoying fighting. none of this is true for me. i usually want connection.
i have no idea where this is coming from, but i dont want to hear that anymore so i am not going to try to talk to him anymore. very painful.

[LostinBPDland]

He does it to disarm you and it is meant to stun you.  He pre-empts what you are about to say so it will put you on the defense.

Just say it anyways, maybe preface it by saying "I think we need to come to a resolution about something so I need you to listen so you can help..."

It won't work all of the time but it will sugar coat it a little and maybe convey that you need him to be engaged instead of thinking about what he will say next when you are done saying whatever it is you need to say.

It works for me most of the time, but if the subject matter is sensitive or accusatory, forget it, you will fight.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[T2Logan]

I get this...a lot. Yet she is the one that is snippy, irritated, and gets mad at the smallest things and starts fighting...I think part may be projection?

[o2bz14u]

Yes. The one I hear the most is "You brought all of this upon yourself".


This is said in one of his screaming rages when he is imagining that I am "ignoring him" by doing housework or cooking. Or when he thinks he found "evidence" of my infidelity because the hairdryer wasn't put back in the exact same place (some guy was there and used it after showering of course). I think my uBPDbf has had a complete mental breakdown. He blew up after finding a gift he bought me and did not even remember giving it to me (gift from one of my lovers of course). And there is no talking sense to him when he gets like this. When I start to cower and cry he just says..."You brought this all upon yourself".

[tamerlamb]

I sincerely feel for you... I know how those phrases mess with your head because... really, you are not.  And then you wonder, "do I never get to talk about what's bothering me"... "is he the only one who gets to be upset/hurt/angry (insert your emotion here)".  Trust me... it's not you.. it's them.  That's why its called walking on eggshells.  You try soo very hard to "no rock the boat" when things are running on a smoother keel because you know that soon, you will be blamed for some phantom look, phrase, error, or mis-step creating his anger, criticism, blame and general silent moodiness.  It's not you... it IS them!

[Clearmind]

trying to talk about the smallest of things with my H leads to this type of response. i also posted the body posture thing. pretty much, not matter what i do, i am accussed of wanting to fight, starting a fight, or enjoying fighting. none of this is true for me. i usually want connection.
i have no idea where this is coming from, but i dont want to hear that anymore so i am not going to try to talk to him anymore. very painful.

It is hurtful sometimesnow. It sounds like your energy is being spent on your H’s issues – Am I correct in saying that? Are you exhausted?

ever hear "Your just lookin for a fight" "there YOU GO!"

Can you help me understand the title of your post? Who is saying what here?

[sometimesnow]

yes Clearminded, whatever i say, instead of just talking he says "there you go looking for a fight."
I am not looking for a fight but him saying that sure causes conflict. he then projects all of this onto me.

[hurtheart44]

My BPDbf gives me both of these so often it's ridiculous. It always pisses me off but lately since I noticed that it's totally projection, I find it kind of funny or at least non-threatening. Every time he does it, it's the same situation. He criticizes everything I say and makes mean comments out of the blue that are related to his triggers but pretends that he doesn't know what I'm talking about when I calmly say, "It seems like you're saying one thing but you're really thinking about..." [I know it might be stupid to even engage with him on that when I already put in the effort to ignore all the other criticisms, but I refuse to let him play those mind games with me unchecked so if it's possible for me to assert my view of reality (though he is of course allowed to assert his at will) without all hell breaking loose then I do. ] And then he continues to criticize and accuse until I engage the slightest bit or defend myself AND... "you're just trying to start a fight!"

It sucks but it's kind of funny too. It's like, how can you deny something you did a minute and a half ago? I'm not ten-second Tom, I have enough long term memory to include the last five minutes! I don't mean that in an insulting way, before somebody gets all worked up about that. I know it's not really about logic for him in that moment. But for me, seeing the humor in a lot of his behavior makes it a lot more tolerable and easier to depersonalize.

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