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Author Topic: Time for son to shave. Wish he had a dad  (Read 512 times)
crystal
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« on: February 14, 2012, 12:25:25 PM »

Well, he does have a dad. But they are estranged...Dad is out of town and BPD and son has made a pretty good transition to a very cool and safe relationship. 

And I really think this is best for my son.. but at certain milestones in life it is sad and hard. Shaving.  Yeah, I know. its not really that big a deal. And he has uncles and dads of friends if he needs help. And the internet has loads of info. And heavens I know how to shave (not my FACE, but how much different can it be?) 

But I still find this terribly sad for him. And he kinda does too.

Just a bit of a vent. Of course, if anyone has advice, I am open to that as well...but good golly it is so sad for a child to basically lose a parent--in some ways even worse than death.

thanks for reading.

Crystal
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« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2012, 12:48:11 PM »

I found it very depressing when my uBPDX's new spouse starting doing those "rites of passage" things with our child, rather than letting me. I just made sure to be excited for child's new "thing", and available for the next time, rather than depressed that I wasn't able to be involved the first time.

Sometimes you just have to let go. Other important things might come up with friends, other relatives; we can't always be there for them as they get older for what we consider the "important" moments, much as we want to. Some memories may be more bittersweet for us than for them.

I just remind my child - and myself - that I'm always there when they need me, no matter what.
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JustSaying
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« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2012, 10:23:50 PM »

Doesn't have to be sad. It's all how you frame it. Surely you've seen guys, such as ex, shave. Use the internet and look at videos together. Basic choice between electric and manual. Let him choose after watching videos. Then shop together. If really stumped, visit a real barber...he'll tell your son everything in a professional way and no one will be embarrassed unless that's your expectation...and he'll be smarter than his friends since he had the help of a pro.

D came to me when she got her first period and her mom was even still living here then. I had about .5 sec to decide on a reaction, and I decided to make it the most normal thing in the world, which it is. We went to the store, we discussed and bought products, though I deferred to her best friend for the actual use of said products. And now tampons and pads are mentioned in the same breath as gum and milk when I go to the store to restock.

This doesn't have to be sad. It can be another bonding moment for y'all.
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The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way.

If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

Matt
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« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2012, 10:01:57 AM »

Yeah, as JS says, it's all how you look at it.  My D15 and I have some good moments that "should" be mother-daughter things, but she seems tickled that I help in my awkward-dad way...

My son is 13 and has been "shaving" for several months, though it's not really necessary.  (On his mother's side, the men have very little facial hair, so I doubt if he'll ever need to shave very often.)  It was a big deal to him when he started, and it's understandable if your son feels something missing because he doesn't have a father to do that with him.  If your attempt to make it into a positive thing isn't completely successful, you can let him know you understand that and you're sad about that too.  Might turn into a good opportunity for a hug and some mutual experiencing of the realities...
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crystal
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« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2012, 10:08:22 PM »

Matt and JS-- you are spot on. Thanks so much for the pep talks and practical advice. I am blessed that I do have a really close relationship with him--in part because we do fumble through some of these kinds of things--but in an honest and good humored way...

But sometimes I just need to turn to this community and vent a bit. Because even though we have a great life and he is a happy and well balanced kid and a kind person, there IS loss when you have a parent who is BPD.  You know, vent here, not to him.

And I WILL say, I think it si MUCH easier for a mom to help a son through the guy things than for a Dad to deal with first bras and periods and all that. So, my hat off to both of you.

thanks for the support and kind words!

Crystal
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I'm just trying to find a decent melody
A song that I can sing in my own company....U2

The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, Im learning again...Don Henley
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« Reply #5 on: February 16, 2012, 10:18:45 PM »

I had a good moment with D15 just yesterday which I'll share, just among us...

She had a friend over after school, to study in her room.  I got home late - called S13 and he said he had a coupon so we should get pizza - good idea so he called in the order and I picked it up.  So we were eating kind of early.  The kids had recorded their favorite show - "Glee" - and talked me into eating in the living room and watching it...

D15 invited her friend to have some pizza before she left - pizza and "Glee" - and we were all laughing about something or other, and the friend said, "You're so lucky - can I come join your family?" and I gave D15 a look which she knew meant "Next time you complain about anything I'm going to remind you that your friend is jealous and wants to join our family!" and she laughed.

It is a challenge to raise a kid of the opposite sex through these years, but it's worth it.  I think D15 probably appreciates what I for her more than my other kids (except her older brother) and I bet your son appreciates all you do too!
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crystal
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« Reply #6 on: February 17, 2012, 11:41:01 PM »

 Nice story Matt!  Those little moments are so wonderful, aren't they.  Yes, I think my son appreciates all I do. And I am grateful for the close relationship we have.

Best to you!  Crystal
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I'm just trying to find a decent melody
A song that I can sing in my own company....U2

The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, Im learning again...Don Henley
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« Reply #7 on: February 18, 2012, 01:03:06 AM »

I have one son and two daughters from my xpwBPD.  She ran off when the youngest was just 10, now 14 and the kids all live with me.  The oldest girl in college was talking to me on the phone one day about having to go to the doctor for some female issues, and how it was causing some sexual problems.  Her room mate heard her and asked was she talking to her mom and what she said.  At that point my daughter said, she was not talking to her mom but her dad.  The room mate was amazed, and now Im called the lesbian dad cause I can deal with both mom and dad issues.  Actually I have to deal with everything, cause the ex just isnt around.  She sees the kids for a few hours every month or so out in the driveway.  Or she picks the youngest up from school, and goes and buys her something and has her home in less than an hour.  When she first left a few years ago, I tried to explain about what she was losing out on with her kids, but like anything else when you try to reason with a pwBPD they just dont get it.  My ex grew up in foster homes as she was taken away from her mother who was abusive.  I will never forget how she used to always say that the councelors she saw used to tell her that her mother would never be what she wanted her to be and it wasnt my ex's fault.  Sadly history has repeated its self as I found myself making the same comment to our kids when she first left.  Of course she was abusive to them so they really didnt care much anyway.  She was never what they wanted her to be when she was here. They just never said anything then. 
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« Reply #8 on: February 19, 2012, 09:11:32 PM »

((crystal))

All I got is I know that feels... to be a mom whose son's biological father didn't really know how to be a dad.

It's weird that you can have a dozen men wanting to help. But you still want the one person who "should" be doing it.

I get it. 

DG
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"What I want is what I've not got, and what I need is all around me."
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crystal
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« Reply #9 on: February 20, 2012, 07:33:55 PM »

Thanks DG.  Yeah, I can deal with it. And so can son. But sometimes his ache for a "real dad" just hurts.  And when his dad isnt on a rant-- like he is now for totally unrelated reasons-- I actually feel sad for Dad-- his disease must be really bad to give up being a dad, esp to someone as fabulous as our son.


Crystal
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I'm just trying to find a decent melody
A song that I can sing in my own company....U2

The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, Im learning again...Don Henley
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