TARA tiara and all sorts

[Think About It...]

I just want to do a post on TARA, I believe it is bassed in NYC, I am in UK so cant do their courses, but I do get emails and I believe you are so privilaged to have this after reading the book overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr.
One of the things I read which would help us is to imagine your loved one with BPD has a tiara on their head with 9 different balls on the top all different colours. 1blue, impulsive control dysregulation, 2 red mood or affective dysregulation
3 purple sensitivity dysregulation
4 green cognitive dysregulation
5 yellow emotion processing dysregulation
6 orange sleep dysregulation
7 black pain dysregulation
8 white memory dysregulation
9 pink anxiety

The book then goes on to explain the 9 dysregulations. Then at the end of all 9 explanations says this.
As a visual cue to help you remember the many systems in dysregulation in BPD and to remind you that your loved one is doing the best she can you can create a special TARA tiara to cue your memory.
It says that if you imagine the tiara on the head and you have 9 balls bopping in the air at once, Each one of those glittery balls represents a system in dysregulation, or one of the balls  the juggler is tossing into the air, these tiaras are worn during role plays in TARA family workshops. Many a family member has described incidents like this, "I was with my son, and the situation was getting very tense when I suddenly pictured him wearing the TARA tiara. I stopped being angry, I stopped judging and criticizing, and was flodded with compassion. Then I knew just what to say to him. My son seemed to feel the change and then became calmer, and crisis was averted.

Dont you just think thats brilliant, I mean I guess we all do similar things, but its so good as you cant see this illness. I wish our P would read this book. Im going to tell my older dd to read this so she can have more compassion for her clients when she is a P in Sept whe will be quialified.

Reality, your son would look good in a tiara 
Anyone who lives near TARA, tell me what you think of it, and if you go. Ill try not to be jealous 

[heronbird]

I just want to do a post on TARA, I believe it is bassed in NYC, I am in UK so cant do their courses, but I do get emails and I believe you are so privilaged to have this after reading the book overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr.
One of the things I read which would help us is to imagine your loved one with BPD has a tiara on their head with 9 different balls on the top all different colours. 1blue, impulsive control dysregulation, 2 red mood or affective dysregulation
3 purple sensitivity dysregulation
4 green cognitive dysregulation
5 yellow emotion processing dysregulation
6 orange sleep dysregulation
7 black pain dysregulation
8 white memory dysregulation
9 pink anxiety

The book then goes on to explain the 9 dysregulations. Then at the end of all 9 explanations says this.
As a visual cue to help you remember the many systems in dysregulation in BPD and to remind you that your loved one is doing the best she can you can create a special TARA tiara to cue your memory.
It says that if you imagine the tiara on the head and you have 9 balls bopping in the air at once, Each one of those glittery balls represents a system in dysregulation, or one of the balls  the juggler is tossing into the air, these tiaras are worn during role plays in TARA family workshops. Many a family member has described incidents like this, "I was with my son, and the situation was getting very tense when I suddenly pictured him wearing the TARA tiara. I stopped being angry, I stopped judging and criticizing, and was flodded with compassion. Then I knew just what to say to him. My son seemed to feel the change and then became calmer, and crisis was averted.

Dont you just think thats brilliant, I mean I guess we all do similar things, but its so good as you cant see this illness. I wish our P would read this book. Im going to tell my older dd to read this so she can have more compassion for her clients when she is a P in Sept whe will be quialified.

Reality, your son would look good in a tiara 
Anyone who lives near TARA, tell me what you think of it, and if you go. Ill try not to be jealous 

[griz]

Heonbird:  I like that idea.  This morning I was exhausted and dragged myself out of bed, showered, got dressed, feed Wuppy and then DD came down the stairs with a face on and said, I had a terrible night sleep, I'm exhausted.  I immediately thought, here we go, another reason to want to stay home from school and quite frankly I was pissed off. I wanted to say, "you know what the whole world is tired, I'm exhausted, stop complaining and go get dressed" but instead I just thought for a minute about how the morning is so hard for her and I instead I said, " I know how you feel, the mornings really suck.  I'm tired too. Lets do a morning hug and be happy it is Friday".  I instantly saw her mood change.  It was like, okay you get it.  You're on my side.  She gave me a hug and waved to me as I pulled out the driveway.  I'm going to keep the image of that tiara on her head.  And that is good because after all is said and done they still are our prince and princesses.

Griz

[Reality]

heronbird
Thank you for the inspiration.  I read about the Tara tiara in Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder, but having you explain it in your words makes it more meaningful somehow.  Visual cues work well for people, for sure.  I find your perspective so helpful, heronbird.  I am glad you are on this board.  I hope your daughter enjoys her day.
griz
Thank you for your morning story.  Life ain't easy sometimes, but you turned it around.
Reality

[almostvegan]

I lOve the idea of empathy in the morning. I mean when my alarm buzzes I get up and get moving. Then it takes me 40 minutes to get dd out of bed! My initial reaction is annoyance. At 15 I got myself up! Why can't you? But dd sleeps thrOugh the buzzer and I still have to go in there. I'd find myself so wired and stressed after waking her. Now I know that once she's ( finally) out of her bed she can function and I try to be sympathetic to the fact that waking up s truly difficult for her. By the time she's dressed and eaten she's much easier to be with. I just try to remember that the early morning is really hard fir her and if I shout or Pull away the covers or try any other tactic other than patience I end up with rudeness and unwillingness to cooperate.

[heronbird]

 Hi!
Brilliant, and so encouraging to hear. Im having such difficulty with dd and sleep right now, just like you all probably. Griz, was so nice to know you had similar thing to me this morning with dd not waking up properly.

So today my dd woke at around 11am, cant even stand up looks like death warmed up, she is so angry because she cant sleep, but its not my fault, and she really got annoyed at me. I didnt take the bait after Id just gone through the tiara thing, it also helped me to remember that. I still find it a bit hard though, so I didnt tell her off for shouting at me, I texted her later and , I validated her first, then I told her that she is not allowed to talk to me like that and its not my fault she cant sleep. I dont know how to help her. any ideas, its a good new topic, I might post and ask if anyone has any good ideas.

Reality,
I thought, I bet I didnt explain it properly, so thankyou for saying that, I find that book hard going, so I have to re read a lot, and really think  a lot haha

I need visual cues, she also says imagine the word PAIN on their forehead when they are dysregulated or upset etc. That helped me so much too.

[griz]

I don't know if this will help but I try to make our evenings as routine as possible.  The evening and sleeping is often hard for my DD also.  She very often has nightmares and flashbacks and I also think it is a time for her to dwell on her problems.  Besides mornings just being generally difficult I think the not sleeping adds to it.  On the nights that she doesn't see her bf or he goes home early I try to get her watch a show with me and just try to keep things really pleasant.

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[Reality]

Yes, the sleep issue is huge.  That is how this whole mess started.  At 15, my son couldn't get up in the morning, started missing school and that was the beginning of the end.
My son slept late today and I had to wake him up for his DBT therapy.  He was really crabby and asked why I had woken him so early (45 minutes before the appointment). I made a joke about it and didn't take him too seriously.  Before, I used to just start crying because my anxiety would get so bad as he was so often late.   I kept trying to find the funny side of things, to decoy his emotional dysregulation.  He came along easily and I was surprised. 
On some level, the DBT must be helping or he would not go to the appointments.  When I think about it, the Radical Acceptance is my being more light-hearted and less catastrophic in my way of thinking and the therapy is the change. 
I think we need a thread on the sleep issue. 
Reality

[somuchlove]

I read the book this fall.  It was very very good.  It made so much sense to me.  It is like it opened the whole world my dd lives in.  I my other 2 adult children have read it and it has been really good for my dd to understand her sister.  She even called me one night and said she was so sorry.  She had always felt I made excuses for my BPD dd and was not doing her favors by saying what I said.  She realized from the book what I couldn't seem to explain very well, what my BPD dd was going through.  She also said,  she was so sorry because all the conversations, etc she had had with her sister was mostly wrong.  And that caused them to not communicate.  She realized how important it was to BPD dd to have family support.  Huge difference in BPD dd life right now, having her sister back. 

When I get a call I try and remember the tiara swarming around her...  and the quote "she is doing the best she can.  Even though I keep wanting to make it all better, tell her what she should do, I keep remembering the book.  I highlighted things and go back and read them again.

[knitter65]

Love this idea!

[heronbird]

Somuchlove, it is a good book isnt it, do you live in USA? would you consider doing one of TARAs courses? I get their email bullitens, I forwards them on to my MP and local mental health group etc, trying to get it over here in UK. My MP wrote back and said its too expensive, Im not letting him get away with that haha.

Reality,
Yes the sleep thing has always been bad but seems she feels bit worse with it right now. The P said she should try to take her meds at 8pm, she did that last night and it was a better night and this morning she could stand up when she got up, she was pleased. Also, Reality she bought a fishtank a few weeks ago, she has a few fish and now shes just recently got a crab and she loves it so when you said your son was crabby I wanted to tell you my dd has a crab and his name is Mr crabs, hahaha She looks after it better than shed look after a baby I think. So good that he makes it to DBT so good. I have got laid back about all that stuff, being late etc. Twice this week dd has not turned up to appointments with P. At one point I would of gone mad, but I just think isnt it time she makes decissions.
You know the P never believed me that I made her go,  hate that, why would I lie? I used to make her go but no more, they need to see what shes like anyway.

Griz, nightmares and flashbacks are not good are they, I mean, when I get nightmares, I hate that and feel awfull after. The doc told me that my dd had ptsd when she was getting flashbacks and nightmares.

[somuchlove]

Yes, heronbird,  I would like to do their course or attend some of the workshops except they are to far for me to travel and then add the expense of the course.  I have thought about joining in on there tele conf. or something.  I just feel sometimes I am doing all this work, reading all the stuff but until my dd does start getting help I am doing it for not.  Now I know that is not true as I think the reason my other dd and myself are able to maintain a relationship and probably helping BPD dd is because we have read and hopefull we are making her better.   

[griz]

Heron bird. The p also told me that the flashbacks were from PTSD. From what happened tonher two years ago.  Sometimes I hear her crying at night and I go in her room and she is crying in her sleep.  I hope someday she will find the courage to face what happened and talk about it.

Griz

[qcarolr]

  I just feel sometimes I am doing all this work, reading all the stuff but until my dd does start getting help I am doing it for not.  Now I know that is not true as I think the reason my other dd and myself are able to maintain a relationship and probably helping BPD dd is because we have read and hopefull we are making her better.   

I get caught up in the 'DD needs to learn this stuff' a lot. In my mind I have all these imaginery conversations where she listens to my advice about reading books, doing workbooks, doing therapy -- in other words being ME and thinking logically about all this stuff like ME. I am practicing remember that DD is her own person, and the best I can accept her as she is, and be there to be validating support in her life, the better chance we have for keeping sanity in our household.

I haven't read Valerie Porr's book. Maybe I should add it to my 'library'.

qcr  

[heronbird]

Yes qcarolr, yet another book to your collection haha, its so hard knowing what to read isnt it, Ive read 4 so far, after the second book I decided it was too much info and was getting confussed and couldnt remember what Id read, but I did carry on reading and next I want a book on MBT, I am just on last bit of Valerie Porrs book  its about MBT. I find it interesting so want to know more, ha so yet more books to my library.

Griz, thats so sad about your dd crying in her sleep, gosh imagine that. I know my dd wrote, the worse thing for her is waking up sad and crying, so imagine your poor dd. Is she on any medication, The quitipine seems to have helped my dd with hallucinations and voices, now shes on lamotragine, and her moods are slightly better, I think they are working. The P does not think they do much. But another P said these meds are good for ptsd.

Griz did you dd share with you what has happend to her to cause ptsd or do you already know?

[griz]

Heron bird:  dd is on lexapro and lamictyl.  She has been on the lexapro for a year and a half and the lamictyl only about four months.  No she has never shared with us or therapist what happened but we know because we found journals in which she wrote about it.  I wish she would open up and talk about it so that I could be there for her to leave the pain behind her. 

We are going down on the lexapro now becauseni. Think this is what has contributednto the weight gain.  Forty pounds on her five four frame.  It makes her miserable.  Her bf prom is coming up and I dread looking for a dress

Griz

[somuchlove]

so  you think Lexapro or any of the other meds make a difference? 

[griz]

somuchlove:  I really don;'t know anymore.  It has been almost 2 years of changing meds and I don;t know that I can say things have gotten better.  On some level they have but I dont really think it is the meds.  I so wish for all of us that there was some answer.  I'm so tired.

Griz

[heronbird]

Never heard of those meds, Im going to google them, I think lamictyl is lamotragine Ill check.

[almostvegan]

Abilify caused a 25 or so pound gain on my daughters 5'6 frame.
It's made her miserable. But our thoughts are: better fat than suicidal. Unless fat makes her suicidal. Speaking of dress: see my post " we got a dress". My brothers wedding is coming up. We got something beautiful to fit her at davids bridal. See if there's one near you. The dresses are nice and not pricy at all.

[qcarolr]

lamictal is the brand name for lamotragine. it has worked great for me for many years. I went off for a bit due to skin rashes (turned out to be reaction to seroquel! very unusual after over 10 years on that one). Tried abilify - it did not work for me,made me really anxious and agitated. Back on lamictal and it works. My dx is bipolarII, not BPD.

None of the bipolar - mood stabilizers, ADHD - stimulants, worked for my DD. She gets good results from the prozac for her anxiety/panic disorder. Really see how well it works when she runs out and doesn't refill until she is losing it with rages, crying, increase in suicidal thoughts, etc. Takes 2 weeks to lose benefit then 2-3 weeks to stabilize again. Then when she is off it, she is drawn to harder drugs (meth, cocaine) which dysregulate her even more - bad raging.

None of the meds help with the underlying emotional issues in ability to relate to people, though now that she has been off her pot for a couple weeks she is doing better. But she has a migraine today, so going for pot tonight. REminded her she cannot smoke in our house. It is her life if she has UA - on bond for DUI charge. She has medical mj license - don't know how that works with the charges.

Her crown is just starting to bobble and bobble. I am working to stay mindful, wise, calm - out of her business as long it is out of my house. See how far she goes with this.

It just goes on, doesn't it. ;p

qcr