Broken-hearted and boundaries

[Think About It...]

So today I drew a line in the sand and the police came and told my 25 year BPD daughter that it is not her house and we don't have to let her back in.

She wanted a drive to the store to buy cigarettes so I said yes, she only has the use of the car for therapy and doctors plus job but she won't work.  She wants to stay up all night and sleep all day, she got a job but didn't like it so she quit after a week.  We tried to talk about finishing the few courses left for a degree - no!  She's looking for a job so she can move out (about a year now).  We told her she needs to go to bed at night or we were putting locks on door of computer room and basement.  She blew and was moving out - threatening to move in with some creepy guy from Wisconsin who she met on the computer - we didn't bite.  She's an adult so that's her choice and she will have to live with the consequences.

 Of course she wasn't to actually going do it - it's just to get her way - stay home and have us provide everything while she call us names, swears at us, threatens us, and does absolutely nothing to help out.  Finally she called a friend who said she could stay with him in NYC and he would help her get a job - then she really felt she didn't have to follow the rules cause she was leaving last night or no maybe the next few days - oh could she take the car too.  Our answer no but she could take the train - we would buy a ticket and take her there and give her 300.00 (that is what her friend said she needed).

Well, a couple of months ago she was drinking so much red bull it caused a state of psychosis and paranoia and she ended up in a clinic for a week - they told her absolutely no red bull and we told her the same.  You're not living in our house if you drink red bull!  What do you think she bought when I took her to the store for her to buy cigarettes - two giant cans of red bull.  I told her not in my house and she opened it up and drank it and smiled.

So I told her to walk home and thashe wasn't coming back into the house.  I came home and locked her out!
My husband came home from work and drove her to the train station...we will see how it goes.

Then I cried all afternoon and my heart is broken.  My youngest and my only girl! I'm so sad!

Hopefulmum

[Hopefulmum]

So today I drew a line in the sand and the police came and told my 25 year BPD daughter that it is not her house and we don't have to let her back in.

She wanted a drive to the store to buy cigarettes so I said yes, she only has the use of the car for therapy and doctors plus job but she won't work.  She wants to stay up all night and sleep all day, she got a job but didn't like it so she quit after a week.  We tried to talk about finishing the few courses left for a degree - no!  She's looking for a job so she can move out (about a year now).  We told her she needs to go to bed at night or we were putting locks on door of computer room and basement.  She blew and was moving out - threatening to move in with some creepy guy from Wisconsin who she met on the computer - we didn't bite.  She's an adult so that's her choice and she will have to live with the consequences.

 Of course she wasn't to actually going do it - it's just to get her way - stay home and have us provide everything while she call us names, swears at us, threatens us, and does absolutely nothing to help out.  Finally she called a friend who said she could stay with him in NYC and he would help her get a job - then she really felt she didn't have to follow the rules cause she was leaving last night or no maybe the next few days - oh could she take the car too.  Our answer no but she could take the train - we would buy a ticket and take her there and give her 300.00 (that is what her friend said she needed).

Well, a couple of months ago she was drinking so much red bull it caused a state of psychosis and paranoia and she ended up in a clinic for a week - they told her absolutely no red bull and we told her the same.  You're not living in our house if you drink red bull!  What do you think she bought when I took her to the store for her to buy cigarettes - two giant cans of red bull.  I told her not in my house and she opened it up and drank it and smiled.

So I told her to walk home and thashe wasn't coming back into the house.  I came home and locked her out!
My husband came home from work and drove her to the train station...we will see how it goes.

Then I cried all afternoon and my heart is broken.  My youngest and my only girl! I'm so sad!

Hopefulmum

[trytrytry]

wow hopefulmom,
How courageous you and your husband are!  You so did the right thing. They don't seem to learn any way but the hard way, so you're giving her a change to learn and change.  My thoughts are with you.

[sophieb]

hopefulmum.. my heart is broken, too... 

I feel like a oozing raw sore that is never, ever, ever going to heal...  i see no light at the end of this tunnel..

i just have to breathe...

thank you for posting and thank you for your courage..

sophie

[MayaMae]

Hello,

I haven't been on this forum for a long time but we are having such a difficult time with our daughter I am looking for support anywhere I can get it. I read your post and it was like living at our house. It is so hard to believe that someone you raised and supported and loved for so many years can be so mean. Our daughter is 20 and on spring break.  I had hoped it would go alright but it has been a night mare and she is here until Sunday. She began having problems in 9th grade and they continued to get worse until the last three years have been a living nightmare. I look at her and wonder where my baby girl is, can this mean spirited young adult be all that is left of her? She too has had issues with school. She is currently a sophomore but her grades are horrific. We are paying for about 1/3 of her tuition this year, about 1/2 last year. We have told her we will stop paying if she doesn't get at least C's. She agreed to the consequence but I am sure she won 't when we have to enforce them. It will of course be our fault. Does your daughter have trouble sleeping? Our daughter has her sleep cycle so screwed up and I am sure that messes with her meds. She will stay up for two days or more and then sleep for days, not eating or taking her pills on a regular schedule so that just adds to her problem.
Her language at home is so horrible. We have never allowed the F word in our house and since the end of her senior year it is her favorite word and she tells me "this is who she is and if we don't like it that is our problem." It is so hard on our 16 year old. OUr daughter with BPD is so cruel to her sister it makes me weep. When her sister is home our 16 year old retreats to her bedroom and never comes out. She spends a ton of time on the computer and on her IPOD and has started seeking out friends all over the US on a site called Teen Spot. I think she is just trying to run away from it all. I can't blame her, wish I could. I fear for both of my daughters future at this point and can't figure out how we got here. I believe we too will be at the point of asking our daughter to leave if she doesn't start tryiing to get better. I wish there were some answers.
God Bless!

[Hopefulmum]

MayaMae

Sleeping problems or should I say lack of sleep has been a big issue, she wants to go 2 or 3 days without sleep (one of the reasons she was drinking all the red bull in the past).  The doctors at the clinic got her schedule all straightened out and prescribed Abilify and something else plus something that helped her sleep but once she got home she wouldn't take it.  Round and round we go, she just continued to do the same old thing.

The social worker at the clinic told us "we don't owe her a dime"!  Our daughter sat with us and the social worker and when the social worker asked her how she was with a budget and money she said she was good when it was her money but she didn't care about wasting our money!  I think I saw the social worker's jaw actually drop when she said it.

I just feel that she hates us because she just wants our money and wishes we were dead so she could have it (something she has told numerous times recently). 

This all really started after Christmas of her junior year of high school - I can still remember her first rage at that time.  It was like someone had flipped a switch, literally, and she was a different person.  She was able to contain it at first to a few episodes every few months but it continually escalated to now!  At first we chalked it up to a rebellious teen but she never grew out it -  instead it got worse.

I have hope though as my nephew was much worse and smoking crack and pot and 30 years old living at home and terrifying his parents - then he got really violent and the police came and told him he was going to end up in prison (which really scared him I think).  A friend came to the door shortly after and talked to him about God and coming to church - and he did!  All by himself he stopped doing drugs and started volunteering at church and then he started speaking to high schools and youth groups - he just got married and has a very good steady job, rents a house, and has completely turned his life around. He has been drug and alcohol free for almost 2 years.  We are all so proud of him - he is a different person!

So I remain hopeful that our daughter will recover and turn her life around, no matter what your children do that overwhelming love you have for them never goes away.  My husband told me he made her hug him before she got on the train and told her we love her no matter what and that set me off for another hour or so of crying.  Last night was a long restless night because it's a relief to have her gone but you still worry and love them so much.

My heart goes out to all the parents who are struggling with this. God bless us all and our children too!