Afraid I might lash out verbally at him---how to avoid this?

[Think About It...]

Hi
  Sometimes I feel angry at my pwBPD.  I know a bit about anger management, and I would like to avoid resorting to insults and name-calling. Especially sine I know that if I provoke him it takes longer (generally) for a pwBP to calm down than a non. I am feeling anxious, as I fear that I will lash out and call him names, insult him, insult his family, etc.  THis would be a very negative way to deal with my anger.
    I wonder what a good, effective, on-the-spot technique would be to help me with this? Something I can think or do when I get angry, instead of running the risk of insulting him?

Thank you
Shatra

[shatra]

Hi
  Sometimes I feel angry at my pwBPD.  I know a bit about anger management, and I would like to avoid resorting to insults and name-calling. Especially sine I know that if I provoke him it takes longer (generally) for a pwBP to calm down than a non. I am feeling anxious, as I fear that I will lash out and call him names, insult him, insult his family, etc.  THis would be a very negative way to deal with my anger.
    I wonder what a good, effective, on-the-spot technique would be to help me with this? Something I can think or do when I get angry, instead of running the risk of insulting him?

Thank you
Shatra

[Steph]

Hi
  Sometimes I feel angry at my pwBPD.  I know a bit about anger management, and I would like to avoid resorting to insults and name-calling. Especially sine I know that if I provoke him it takes longer (generally) for a pwBP to calm down than a non. I am feeling anxious, as I fear that I will lash out and call him names, insult him, insult his family, etc.  THis would be a very negative way to deal with my anger.
    I wonder what a good, effective, on-the-spot technique would be to help me with this? Something I can think or do when I get angry, instead of running the risk of insulting him?

Thank you
Shatra

 Time out...plain and simple.

" I cannot talk about this right now, I need some time away from this. Lets try again tomorrow"

[CodependentHusband]

I agree with Steph. Get away and try to work through your anger away from your pwBPD. Insults and bringing up other people is going to make things worse. It sounds like you have some resentment building, and I can certainly see why. It's hard, but you may have to figure out how to deal with those feelings of resentment. I had a situation today where for the first time in many months, I actually raised my voice at my dBPDw. I realized that I was getting angry, and, luckily I was able to tell her about how her behaviors frustrate me... I left before I said anything else... I'm thankful for that.

You mentioned that you feel like insulting his family. I'm honestly not being judgmental here about this, I really just want to understand. Has your pwBPD's family done something to hurt you in the past?

[shatra]

Hi
Steph wrote
Time out...plain and simple.

" I cannot talk about this right now, I need some time away from this. Lets try again tomorrow"
----This will work when I am inside with him. I am not sure what to do when I am stuck in a car with him, walking somewhere with him, etc. I feel afraid that I will say insults, call him names, curse,  mock his appearance, etc ( negative things I learned from my BPD mother)

Codependent----no, his family has not done anything to me. Yet I know it would hurt him if I criticized them. THis is also what my late BPD mother did----"hit people where it hurts" including me.
  So she was a bad role model, and I don't want to follow in her footsteps! His appearance is not all bad either, yet I would distort, insult and "hit him where it hurts" there too---and then of course he would get mad. So we would both get mad, without my releasing my anger in a non-hurtful or sadistic way. I would really love to come up with a few sentences to say and a reminder thought to keep in mind when I feel angry and have the impulse to lash out.

Thanks
shatra

[pallavirajsinghani]

Hello Shatra:

I thought I'd tell you a little interesting factoid.  "Shatra" in Sanskrit language means a "weapon"  (pronounced with a minor K sound before the SH as in "Kshatra").

Now the weapon can be used to save or to destroy.  You have a power inside you.  It is now learning how to harness it and use it well. 

Steph is right, when you are right in the thick of a bad situation, a time out is helpful. 

In a broader way, I have found practising Yoga and Meditation (how to still your thoughts, how to "be in the moment" without engaging your emotions negatively) to be very helpful...and I have a complete professional sized sandbag and training gloves to get the anger and irritation out of my system.

Physical discipline of the body will help with discipline of the thoughts/emotions.

Sending lots of hugs to you...my own brother is exactly in the same situation as you are...he has elected to stay in the marriage and we respect that.

God bless.

[Steph]

"I am not sure what to do when I am stuck in a car with him, walking somewhere with him, etc. I feel afraid that I will say insults, call him names, curse,  mock his appearance, etc ( negative things I learned from my BPD mother)"

  This is something that DBT could help with. If you do this stuff, and struggle with managing your own outbursts, you may want to consider the possibility of getting DBT for yourself. It really helps manage the emotions that people struggle with, giving excellent coping skills for times of stress and every day life!


Steph

[CodependentHusband]

Shatra,
    Well, I think it is excellent that you are exploring how you feel about this. It's a big step, I think, to admit to yourself that you feel compelled to say things with the intention to hurt your pwBPD. I think there has been some good suggestions in this thread for you to try. I don't know as much about DBT as I would like, but maybe a mindfulness exercise would do the trick.

   On a side note, I've just started reading The High Conflict Couple. I'm not sure if I'm going to suggest that my dBBDw read it with me yet. I'm afraid that the mention if BPD on the cover may trigger her.