Would you date you?

[Think About It...]

This comment in another thread prompted this thread:

I really want to meet someone like me

So, would you date a person like yourself (in the gender you date, of course)? How would you evaluate someone just like yourself as a dating/relationship partner?

[JustSaying]

This comment in another thread prompted this thread:

I really want to meet someone like me

So, would you date a person like yourself (in the gender you date, of course)? How would you evaluate someone just like yourself as a dating/relationship partner?

[marbleloser]

Well,I obviously thought I had met just that.A person just like me.Same interests,same sense of humor,same sense of care,everything,except the red flags. Honestly,it was AWESOME!

[Want2know]

I would like to date myself...I am fun, adventurous, a good conversationalist, loyal, stable as far as regular living goes (ie, have a good job, my own home, car, etc.), independent, well traveled, naturally pretty and sexy, and a good friend to those who are deserving.  

Ok, having said that, all those qualities are nice as far as initial dating, but I have to admit that there probably are some red flags, too, that I would see in myself as the dating continued.  In trying to be dead honest, I might be a little leary after hearing some of the experiences I have endured that could make me wonder if there might be some dysfunction that could rear it's ugly head, at some point, but I guess as long as I was treated with respect and openness, I could probably handle it since I do feel underneath the dysfunction, I have a heart of gold.   

Interesting post...thanks!

[beyondbelief]

Good question.

I want to date a person that shares many interests and qualities, yet we each have our own unique qualities and some different interests.  This would allow each of us to experience new things and learn from each other and grow individually and mutually.  A big key here is mutual respect for the differences.

[JustSaying]

I would not date me, preferring someone with more yin to my yang. I'd be drawn to someone with the same core values, but prefer that she have some different beliefs, some different passions, some different interests or it'd be too easy to be lost in a world that's too narrowly defined.

There are some things I'll probably always prefer to do alone--my work gets me in my own head for lengths of time, and I run alone--but it'd be a nice balance if she was more sociable, more involved in causes that moved her, and then we kept turning to each other to share time and stories. I bore myself sometimes, so someone else with the same rhythms and patterns would double-bore me.

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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT The objective of this board is to learn and apply healthy emotional practices to the rebuilding of our love life. This board is about the discipline and strength of making those hard choices in life for good sustained emotional health. It is about not repeating the problems of the past; it is about understanding the wounds and baggage we carry forward, it is about healthy and practical ways to build new relationships. Click on "more information" for access to the lessons.

[ellil]

I would absolutely date someone like me. I had someone mirroring me and it was great. Of course they would have to NOT be mirroring me and not be mentally ill.

M

[tonyyeboah]

Hahaha Ellil your comment made me chuckle!

Really interesting topic...hmmmmmm i would love to date someone as nice and genuine and thoughtful as me so then i would be able to spoil them guilt or worry free as id get it back...isnt that what we all want? Ideally i would want them to be more bubbly and a bigger personality :/

However i would date me haha

[Want2know]

Here's a bit of a tangent question...would you live with you? 

Dating can be somewhat surface level, but living with someone is a whole other ball of wax.

I think I'd be fun to date and build a r/s with, but live with me?  Hmmmm...I'm gonna have to think about that one for a moment.  My initial thought is that I may be too independent to create a full partnership with...so, I'd have to be very secure in myself to live with me, and patient.

Funny that I say that because when I was living with my xunpdbf, there were aspects of me where I was very independent and it bugged him so much, wanting to control my every move to the point where I wouldn't do the things I normally would do being single (as I am now). I went from independence to compromise to succumbing to his wants/needs.  That will NEVER happen again.

[Upnorth]

So, would you date a person like yourself (in the gender you date, of course)? How would you evaluate someone just like yourself as a dating/relationship partner?

Well...

Yes, my 3 past r/s (two 10-year long, and my halfyear pwBPD experience) ultimately failed due to our different personalities. I am easy to live with at the start (all my partners have said I am a dream partner to share household with). On the surface I am rather down to earth, but I am also a nonstop curious individual.  I prefer to have a pretty safe base (place to live, job, no money problems, nice partner, friends, etc. ), but from there I sprinkle it with new experiences, good, rare, exclusive, but also in between dashes of bad, common and junk (in that respect, I really value my pwBPD experience, would not like to be without it). The keyword is "contrasts". Without regulary experience the range between beauty and the ugly, life seem a bit dull to me. My previous partners have been frilled the first couple of years, but in the end they wanted less of the "contrasts". I have found out that very few people appreciate the whole range experience, also the bad side... So yes, someone with the same taste as I would have been nice.          


No, I want someone a bit different. A person I can gradually get to know better, and who can teach me new things and lead me into new experiences.

[ellil]

Would you live with yourself?

I prefer someone neater and more organized who wouldn't expect me to do it. I will do other things that they aren't good at.

M

[Want2know]

I prefer someone neater and more organized who wouldn't expect me to do it.

   Same here!

[JustSaying]

I will do other things

The biggest difficulty I'd have in a r/s w/ me is that we'd both be doing everything...there'd be no other things for the other me to do. Skipping over all the reasons, I had to do everything for the past however-many years/decades. Cook, laundry, sew, child-care, shop, yard, house, car. And now that I'm unmarried (as of yesterday), it's the only option. But that doesn't leave much space for someone else. Figuring out what to let go of could get tricky be/c I've been conditioned that that is a problem.

[seeking balance]

Yes, regarding communication
Yes, regarding ability to self-reflect
Yes, in activities/fun, etc
Yes, in values

No in temperment - one of my good friends used the analogy of a vine and a rock.  2 vines can go in different direction and 2 rocks can get stuck.  I am a vine and would like a rock ;-)

[Want2know]

2 vines can go in different direction and 2 rocks can get stuck.  I am a vine and would like a rock ;-)

That is brilliant!

[Gowest]

Well,I obviously thought I had met just that.A person just like me.Same interests,same sense of humor,same sense of care,everything,except the red flags. Honestly,it was AWESOME!

Pretty much. That's why I was so vulnerable to the mirroring. It was actually pretty recently that I realized that my ex's "good qualities" were ME. Or qualities that I wished I had at the time. I got them now though, heck yeah...

... the problem being that now that I'm the person I want to be, I don't really need anyone else. Whoops? More of me would be good though.

Okay, let's see. Qualities in myself that I want in another person: sensitive, calm, logical, quick, and intelligent. I want someone who notices things, is aware of others and himself, and is generally motivated to go further. I want someone to share new experiences with.

Not like me: I would appreciate a man who can cook. Haha.

I met one guy like this online but I'm pretty sure that part of why I like him is he's too far away to date. Classic avoidance. And even if not... well, he's too far away.

[Faded]

Currently no, i need to work on myself a bit.

Previously i would of said was quite healthy all round, not any serious flaws and pretty soon im going to be all that again and more. When i am i will be ready and more than happy to date me or for anyone i find a good match to date me. 

[Mystic]

what a cool question and what a great way to look at things. 

Yep, I probably would.  On a whole, I like me.  I see some areas I can tweak (yep, I'm quite human)  and relationship-wise I will be very cautious in the future.  My r/s with my npd/BPDexbf really changed me.  I was way too wide open and trusting before, way too accommodating.  I'm different now.  Not all shut down and defensive, just much wiser and more discerning. 

I'm glad for the things he did not take from me tho.     I do not feel bitter or angry at life, people or relationships.  I'm still easy going, and pretty good natured.  I still have my dreams and I still believe in love. All in all I came through pretty intact, and learned a *lot* about people and myself.   

[notalittleteapot]

I would date me in a heartbeat.

I support other people - my friends - in ways that I would love to be supported. I discuss possible interpretations of the situation that has them riled up, offer practical suggestions for dealing with both the situation and their emotions around it, and offer material help when I feel comfortable doing so. I try to guide them to think about their distress in ways they may not see when thinking about it on their own. I would love for someone who I was intimate with to behave in that way. I value direct communication or "plain speech" as my mom would say, and I am not quick to anger. This relationship has taught me a lot about my automatic reactions and I think I'm a lot more self-aware for the experience! I'm also pretty good at relating to other people who are as socially awkward as me.

Plus, I would be SO ATTRACTED to someone a lot like myself, both physically and mentally. Too bad there aren't that many people just like me!

[OneVoice]

I would definately date me.  I am pretty, smart, strong, passionate, well travelled, interested in many things, outgoing, friendly, etc.  However I wouldn't date me right now.  I just got out of relationship with a person with BPD and want to spend the next few months focusing on me and when I begin a new relationship, I don't want to get swallowed by the relationship.  I still want to keep the focus on myself, but also care for the other person.  I guess I just want a balanced relationship.  One thing I have noticed about myself is I tend to choose people that I can "fix" or "caretake".  While I am focusing on them, he is focusing on himself, who is focusing on me?  In the next relationship I hope I can focus on me and him and he can focus on him and me simutaneously. 

[Gowest]

Plus, I would be SO ATTRACTED to someone a lot like myself, both physically and mentally. Too bad there aren't that many people just like me!

I hear ya.