Question About Boundaries

[Think About It...]

Over the years with my BPDh I have tried setting boundaries, but really to no avail.  If I try to leave when I see things heating up, he yells at me for walking away from him.  If I try to tell why I am leaving, then I get yelled at for that too.  If I ignore him, it's even worse.
So what has worked for all of you? I truly appreciate any advice!

[maryy16]

Over the years with my BPDh I have tried setting boundaries, but really to no avail.  If I try to leave when I see things heating up, he yells at me for walking away from him.  If I try to tell why I am leaving, then I get yelled at for that too.  If I ignore him, it's even worse.
So what has worked for all of you? I truly appreciate any advice!

[Wrongturn1]

I'm impressed that you have had the strength and patience to stay with a BP for such a very long time.  Educating yourself with the resources on this board is a powerful step toward making things better.

If the outcome is the same (he yells at you), regardless of whether you leave or stand there and accept the verbal abuse, why would you want to stand there and accept the abuse?  If you left EVERY time he started to verbally abuse you, do you think it would occur more or less often?

[maryy16]

Honestly, I don't think it will make a difference. He's going to react I whatever way he wants to. Leaving will help me to not have to endure the rage but as far it stopping him from doing it again, I highly doubt it. Mainly because he NEEDS to react, he CAN'T stay silent. So what I do really won't make any difference to him.

[Inspirationneeded]

Honestly, I don't think it will make a difference. He's going to react I whatever way he wants to. Leaving will help me to not have to endure the rage but as far it stopping him from doing it again, I highly doubt it. Mainly because he NEEDS to react, he CAN'T stay silent. So what I do really won't make any difference to him.

I feel you're selling yourself short.  Think you can give it the old college try and see what happens?  Can't possibly hurt anymore than it is now right?

[united for now]

His reactions are him being unable to control his emotions.

When he blows up at you, what keeps you there?

Think about that...

Fear?
Obligation?
Guilt?

[Steph]

 Also...

One very important piece of information I learned from my husband, once he recovered from BPD is this.

It feels GOOD to rage.

There are chemicals released in the brain and raging brings those out. He said he felt powerful and strong and GOOD when he would rage at me.

  So, when you stick around for it, you are helping in the same way that a snort of cocaine might work..It helps him feel better, but it is a very, very bad coping skill for him.

So, leave. It doesnt matter if he yells later, etc. Stay away until he is calmer and he figures out that his way of coping isnt going to work any more.

You arent getting hurt in the process, and he may decide that raging isnt worth it any more, and maybe even seek help.

Staying for it is bad for you, and that is the reason to not. It is also bad for him and the relationship.

No good reason to stick around for a rage at all. Ever.


Steph

[maryy16]

Thank you so much everyone!

Unitedfornow and Steph...i think I stay for two reasons. When our kids were at home I could not leave them alone with him and I didn't want to take them with me because he would claim that I was 'turning them against him' and 'brainwashing' them when I had them. Which of course makes no sense since if I was going to 'brainwash' them, I could have done that at any other time.
The second reason is because the one rule I have set and have been able to keep is that I will not let him drive when he is raging. Lots of times he has tried to leave but I have blocked him or taken his keys away. This always escalates the episode, but I cannot allow him on the road for his own safety as well as others on the road. I stay to make sure he doesn't leave and if I were to take the keys with me, I can't even imagine what he would do to the house while I was gone.
But you both are completely right. I need to leave regardless of what he might do. I know I reinforce his bad behavior when I stay. So now that our kids are out of the house, I can work more on this aspect. Again, thank you!

[united for now]

Leaving doesn't have to mean leaving the house. It can mean leaving the room or just going outside for a bit. My favorite is going to the bathroom 


If you are feeling unsafe or really uneasy with a conversation and try leaving, that is what you need to focus on - your feelings. Sticking around and listening to him only rewards him.

He wants to keep fighting with you. His goal is to keep you engaged in the argument, so he will call you names, question your love, challenge your rights, threaten you - all in an effort to keep you there so he can dump all his anger and frustration out. You are his verbal barf bag. Watching you walk away will piss him off. No doubt about it.

Staying and being verbally bashed and abused never made things any better though, did they?

[maryy16]

You are completely right! Nothing good has ever come from my staying. I will try ( no, i will) leave the next time he starts in. I will not reinforce his bad habits anymore.
Thank you for all the support...it feels so good not to be alone anymore.

[united for now]

"How" we do this is often as important as "if" we do it.

We don't want to trigger fears of abandonment or turn it into WWIII, so storming out of the room yelling that you aren't gonna take it anymore isn't good. That's like tossing a grenade and running  ;p  

Be gentle and understanding that this new change will seem threatening to him. He won't like it and there will most likely be an escalation.



The first time I left an argument I was soooo scared  ;p


Since then, I've worked really hard on validation and positive communication, so I don't have to take a time out hardly at all, though it does still happen.