Nervous

[Think About It....]

Just found out last night that BPDSD20 is out of money. She went to her GM yesterday and asked for more, however, GM gave her a $20 and told her not to come back asking for more.

She hasn't looked for a job since getting her CNA at the end of February. She did so well in school, we were proud and feeling like she was turning yet  another new corner.

However, she is now more involved than ever with her AA fellowship. I'm only speculating but it seems like she spent 4-5 days in May in another town "helping" a newly recovered guy (drove him home when his family member got sick and stayed with him and drove him back to our town) and has also been to some big meet up, also involving hotel stay etc. for another three days of so.

From her facebook stuff (I think I recently stated no more looking at her facebook but by happenstance I saw her new picture (raunchy) and got curious and looked) she spends a huge amount of time each day playing...paint balling, going to movies, going out to eat, silly crafts with people she lives with, driving people to and fro...the AA stuff is having less and less to do with going to meetings.

Yes, she is sober.

NO SHE IS NOT MANAGING HER LIFE IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM

I don't know how long it will take her to find a job. I guarantee she let herself get completely out of funds before she asked her GM for money. 20.00 is smokes for two days only.

I don't know how long it will take for the people she lives with to  not want to let her live there rent free if she can't find a job. Hopefully, she looked forward to the end of the month and already paid her rent.

Don't know what she is going to do for gas.

My S/O, her Dad, is quietly hurting about all of this. There really has been nothing to say as she went week after week without looking for a job, not communicating with him except for when others were around, not answering his phone calls. Yesterday he tried and tried her as we were having a tropical storm in our area and he wanted to check in on her. She was on facebook...I could tell from her postings. She never called or texted him back.

He called the GM, also to check in due to weather, and the GM told him about SD being there earlier in the day and asking for money. GM admitted that he was right about his feelings that GM giving SD the money would not yield positive results. GM saw the new tattoos and really feels horrible about it.

Worse, I blurted out, "How can she ask her GM for money like that?"

He said simply, "no concience?"

I really wish I hadn't asked what I asked.

It is very difficult to say nothing. It is difficult watching but not as hard as it was being all crazy and over involved in her crapola.

She turns 21 in a few weeks.

Will she ask to come back to living with us? We will have to say no. The contract I would ask her to sign in order to live here would not be anything she would be willing to comply with anyway.

I do not believe any amount of rescuing her will help her to change, to grow up, to take responsibility for herself. Bailing her out isn't an option any more anyway.

Maybe her sobriety will enable her to accomplish this next step although I don't know what she was waiting for, what she was thinking. Sure I get being apprehensive about job hunting. To let this render you incapable of facing your life? I don't know what to do or say about this. She never asked for any help.

Maybe the AA community will work some magic and she will be handed a job on a silver glitter platter.

SD has always found the loop hole- by this I mean that her Dad and I would think, ah, finally, some relief, some help for her and she would find the way to NOT really get better or to accept the help.

And so, even though, obviously getting sober with AA has been lifesaving, I fear that her devotion to AA might be her undoing, her hideout, her next drug of choice. If keeping up with AA is keeping you from working, how can that really be a safe and sound program?

She came home from the big meeting I mentioned above and added  20 new friends to her facebook. How is job hunting going to compete with that? At least 15 of the new friends are hunky guys (who will never give her a moment of attention unless she drives them to and fro) but still, how exhilarating this must have felt to be at the big meeting and have so many people willing to exchange info with you, talk to you, sit next to you at the dinner table when you go out after the meeting. .

Wonder how much of GMs money went to buying friendships? Blackhearted thing to write. Blackhearted thing to think.

Maybe I should cut myself some slack about how my thoughts of her turn to despair, anger, confusion.

Loving her includes awareness of her issues, her shortcomings, the actions she takes. It includes an awareness that the girl I love, really love, is seldom present. If I let go of that lovely girl too- same as I have let go of unrealized expectations,  who is left there to consider? Don't care for that girl. That girl is so selfish and impulsive it makes my heart hurt. I hate what she does to her Dad. Wanna poke her with something sharp but instead I smile and say, "Love you!" when she says it (always first) to me.

I try to be polite and (here is this word again) CORDIAL.

What hurts worst is knowing that my love for her doesn't mean diddly squat...and I'm really ok with it now. I've healed a lot since I put some protective gear around my heart. I am ok because the people that matter, other than SD, take such wonderful care of their relationships with me. Makes SD look even worse to come from such a loving world- to be offered such a lovely world.

She could be so IN HERE if it weren't for the fact that she WON'T STOP the crap. So many folks on this planet have it so very much worse than she does and they don't act like she does.

Feeling nervous lowers my tolerance. Just turned on Maxi-chill.

Self preservation.

Grrrrr.

Ugh.

Thursday

[Thursday]

Just found out last night that BPDSD20 is out of money. She went to her GM yesterday and asked for more, however, GM gave her a $20 and told her not to come back asking for more.

She hasn't looked for a job since getting her CNA at the end of February. She did so well in school, we were proud and feeling like she was turning yet  another new corner.

However, she is now more involved than ever with her AA fellowship. I'm only speculating but it seems like she spent 4-5 days in May in another town "helping" a newly recovered guy (drove him home when his family member got sick and stayed with him and drove him back to our town) and has also been to some big meet up, also involving hotel stay etc. for another three days of so.

From her facebook stuff (I think I recently stated no more looking at her facebook but by happenstance I saw her new picture (raunchy) and got curious and looked) she spends a huge amount of time each day playing...paint balling, going to movies, going out to eat, silly crafts with people she lives with, driving people to and fro...the AA stuff is having less and less to do with going to meetings.

Yes, she is sober.

NO SHE IS NOT MANAGING HER LIFE IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM

I don't know how long it will take her to find a job. I guarantee she let herself get completely out of funds before she asked her GM for money. 20.00 is smokes for two days only.

I don't know how long it will take for the people she lives with to  not want to let her live there rent free if she can't find a job. Hopefully, she looked forward to the end of the month and already paid her rent.

Don't know what she is going to do for gas.

My S/O, her Dad, is quietly hurting about all of this. There really has been nothing to say as she went week after week without looking for a job, not communicating with him except for when others were around, not answering his phone calls. Yesterday he tried and tried her as we were having a tropical storm in our area and he wanted to check in on her. She was on facebook...I could tell from her postings. She never called or texted him back.

He called the GM, also to check in due to weather, and the GM told him about SD being there earlier in the day and asking for money. GM admitted that he was right about his feelings that GM giving SD the money would not yield positive results. GM saw the new tattoos and really feels horrible about it.

Worse, I blurted out, "How can she ask her GM for money like that?"

He said simply, "no concience?"

I really wish I hadn't asked what I asked.

It is very difficult to say nothing. It is difficult watching but not as hard as it was being all crazy and over involved in her crapola.

She turns 21 in a few weeks.

Will she ask to come back to living with us? We will have to say no. The contract I would ask her to sign in order to live here would not be anything she would be willing to comply with anyway.

I do not believe any amount of rescuing her will help her to change, to grow up, to take responsibility for herself. Bailing her out isn't an option any more anyway.

Maybe her sobriety will enable her to accomplish this next step although I don't know what she was waiting for, what she was thinking. Sure I get being apprehensive about job hunting. To let this render you incapable of facing your life? I don't know what to do or say about this. She never asked for any help.

Maybe the AA community will work some magic and she will be handed a job on a silver glitter platter.

SD has always found the loop hole- by this I mean that her Dad and I would think, ah, finally, some relief, some help for her and she would find the way to NOT really get better or to accept the help.

And so, even though, obviously getting sober with AA has been lifesaving, I fear that her devotion to AA might be her undoing, her hideout, her next drug of choice. If keeping up with AA is keeping you from working, how can that really be a safe and sound program?

She came home from the big meeting I mentioned above and added  20 new friends to her facebook. How is job hunting going to compete with that? At least 15 of the new friends are hunky guys (who will never give her a moment of attention unless she drives them to and fro) but still, how exhilarating this must have felt to be at the big meeting and have so many people willing to exchange info with you, talk to you, sit next to you at the dinner table when you go out after the meeting. .

Wonder how much of GMs money went to buying friendships? Blackhearted thing to write. Blackhearted thing to think.

Maybe I should cut myself some slack about how my thoughts of her turn to despair, anger, confusion.

Loving her includes awareness of her issues, her shortcomings, the actions she takes. It includes an awareness that the girl I love, really love, is seldom present. If I let go of that lovely girl too- same as I have let go of unrealized expectations,  who is left there to consider? Don't care for that girl. That girl is so selfish and impulsive it makes my heart hurt. I hate what she does to her Dad. Wanna poke her with something sharp but instead I smile and say, "Love you!" when she says it (always first) to me.

I try to be polite and (here is this word again) CORDIAL.

What hurts worst is knowing that my love for her doesn't mean diddly squat...and I'm really ok with it now. I've healed a lot since I put some protective gear around my heart. I am ok because the people that matter, other than SD, take such wonderful care of their relationships with me. Makes SD look even worse to come from such a loving world- to be offered such a lovely world.

She could be so IN HERE if it weren't for the fact that she WON'T STOP the crap. So many folks on this planet have it so very much worse than she does and they don't act like she does.

Feeling nervous lowers my tolerance. Just turned on Maxi-chill.

Self preservation.

Grrrrr.

Ugh.

Thursday

[qcarolr]

Thursday       Though it sure does not feel good - you are reacting in a normal, expected way to SD and to S/O. It really is OK to honestly express those blurted out feelings and questions to him. Be kind to yourself. So here are the comments that hit my heart and some of my 'impulsive' feeling responses - take what helps a let go of the rest. I didn't use the quote - too much work for me today. So put your comments in blue -for how you are feeling today.

She is out of money. Hard to do, this can be put in category - NMP - not my problem. Dh and I have put a budget on our financial assistance with DD, and mostly stick to it. She really does not ask for things that are not essential needs. We accept that she is not in a place to be able to work. Try to keep very CHILLY about the help she gets from friends. NMP

She has CNA certificate but has not even looked for job yet - to your knowledge. Tarnishes your feelings here. NMP - you have little influence here and any pressure could easily make things worse in your r/s. See some comments below.

Yes, she is sober. Is AA now a replacement addiction?  Maybe, but most likely not an 'addiction', just a way to keep some 'safe and superficial' friends around. And it is so much better for her to be with someone, esp. sober someones, rather than be suffering the overwhelming aloneness that can come with BPD feeling abandoned. This is biggest reason we allow DD's friendG to stay with us, and other friends to be here occasionally during the 'day'. She is so much more stable when not alone. Takes a heap of radical acceptance sometimes when all her friends are from her homeless clan - some still homeless, others barely a step away from it.

SHE IS NOT MANAGING HER LIFE IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM Well, she is not managing according to our cultural terms, but she is managing. She has shelter, food, transportation --- the custom with my DD is to ask for money from those that are given rides for gas and smokes and food. Or some other barter to meet her needs. I try not to THINK TOO DEEPLY ON THIS ONE. A little Wise Mind please.

When will the people she is living with ask her to leave with no job and no money. NMP. So much you do not know, or need to know, about this situation. Leave it to be her life choices with natural consequences.

How does she pay for gas and smokes (smokey treats is what DD26 calls them)

As for her wanting to move back with you - I am for telling her something like - "it must really suck to be asked to move out. I know you can figure out solutions for this. What other options have you checked out?" Public housing, food stamps, Workforce assitance (state employment office name in our state). There are community services for adults needing assitance. Maybe have some agency names and phone numbers you can give her. That is the help you and S/O are able to give at this time - need to work on this one as a team. Maybe even enlist GM in this response. And maybe she has not desire to move back in with you - way too many rules and 'control' attempts. She may just ask for money - and NEED TO KNOW YOU CARE, even if she doesn't know that she needs this one.

Is there any case mangement after-care for where she was to get sober? That might also me a resource you can offer her.


It is very difficult to say nothing (at least your true feelings right now).  You seem to be practicing some meduim chill, and this is a probable good path to take for now. One of 'detachment with love' as the Al Anon lit. says. Do you have some face to face support in your community? Group or T?

What hurts worst is knowing that my love for her doesn't mean diddly squat...and I'm really ok with it now. For me to read this here, it really hurts. We WANT TO BE OK WITH IT - but we really are not. It Hurts So Much. The other reality is that SD most likely does hold a little corner of her heart hidden with that love feeling from you guys. Maybe even takes it out once in a while to hold, then puts it back in that safe hidden place. Needed a deep breathe here. This takes faith sometimes.

She could be IN HERE except she won't stop the crap. And maybe she is doing what 20-somethings just do. They work on finding their own path in life. Maybe she doesn't want to be IN HERE right now. See above - have faith you are IN THERE.

Thursday, I have been in your shoes so many times when DD26 was on this verge of the 20-somthings. I have decided that my DD will always be somewhere emotionally around 15 for most of her life. She can sure step up and prove me wrong . Keeping this in mind allows me to find some humor in things that can seem so dark and gloomy. Dh justs nodded when I said this to him yesterday.

Always have you in my thoughts and prayers.

qcr

[Thursday]

q- thanks for the reply.

I really, really do understand all of what you say,

I am totally in a place of NMP.

It is still strange, watching her escalate and spin out and to sit and watch. My predictions are based on past history. I've been hoping for different results and actions however...

Geezum-

Last night she finally called her Dad back. After getting the 20 bucks from GM she did a thirty minute job for someone in AA and they gave her 40.00.

Then she went to the movies!  And she was on Facebook last night at 3 am posting some drivel about who she was out with (16 year old who is known to not be maintaining his sobriety) and called him her little baby. Ewww.

When S/O said something to her about taking the money from her GM she wanted to talk about the blood she is finding in her urine. I don't think either one of them (sd or her Dad) recall that the last time he confronted her about her crappy behavior she had the same blood in her urine.

It will take me more ruminating to digest this enough to pass it.

Pass it I will, like an undigested kernal of corn. Sorry for the poopy reference. I feel a disturbance in the force of my peace and in a few minutes I will hit the pool and think about nicer things as I do my laps.

Again, q, thanks for your thoughts and response. It means a lot.

thursday

[peaceplease]

Thursday,

I am so sorry that this day has come.  You called it, recently, that she would be running out soon. 

My dd just found a job.  Actually, I did push by telling her there were open interviews at a business. I even applied for jobs, online, for her.(she gets too frustrated doing this.  Funny, how she will conquer challenges to postings on FB)  I spent some time looking for a job for her.  She would skim the paper and that was the extent of her job search. She was surprised to learn that this job was not in the classifieds.  She wanted me to accompany her to a employment agency because she knows that she always talks herself out of it.  I told her that it would not look good for me holding her hand while she was looking for a job.  Fortunately, she did muster up the energy to follow through with her part.  She did go to employment agency by herself, and went to interview on site. 

For your sake, and your SO, I hope that your SD will not ask to move in. 

And, I hope that your SD will realize that she truly needs to support herself.  If gm shut her off, and you aren't helping, then she will have to get a job.  Or, not... And, as qcr said the category of NMP.

I just hope that you spared the drama of it all.   

peaceplease

[Thursday]

peaceplease and q,

Y'all will never believe what happened, well maybe you can! Sometimes I can't believe how often life throws roses at my SD. Truth be known, maybe this isn't exactly roses but I digress.

SD puts out a text message en masse to her friends and basically everyone but her Dad and me, saying she needs some fast money. Someone told her about a nanny service and she contacted the lady who said she could give her some work. Someone else told her about a job at a health facility and she applied and was told if her background check worked out, she will be hired.

So, after months of sitting around, burning through tens of thousands of dollars, not even setting a foot out the door to find a job, she is not only given a way to purchase cigarettes but also given a job without a minute of job hunting.

She called me to tell me she got the job (her Dad isnt going to believe it until she starts work) and was so excited and proud. I cheered her on but inside I was really thinking that she got this too easy and didn't learn a thing. I did not say anything except things like,

"I'm so happy that worked out so well for you!"  I did get myself off the phone really quickly though.

I don't know if she started working as a temp nanny while she waits the two weeks or whatever for her application to be processed. They do have to do a background check afterall.

This ends up being a learning experience for me. I really sweated her running out of money and coming to us. And all along she kept telling her Dad it would be fine. And maybe it will be.

Q,

She can sure step up and prove me wrong

I   that and hear you. SD has used this phrase about proving her sponsor wrong when her sponsor has noticed that SD hasn't done service work for AA. SD's sponsor is very wise and savvy woman and sees that SD likes to get her bennies from AA but doesn't necessarily do the harder parts, like the service.

So, in this strange world, SD doesn't really learn much about what can happen if you only spend money without making any more money (you run out of money, and that maybe running out of money isn't a good thing when you expect someone else to bail you out of the situation you got yourself into)

But I learned...even more...it really isn't my problem and I am a super dumbass for not being more chill and accepting and understanding that , again, NMP.  I think she really is doing things her way and that's really OK. Totally not the way we would do things, is it? It's so hard when their way is just so back asswards, isn't it.

Thanks for your support girls.

       

Thursday

[qcarolr]

     
qcr

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[peaceplease]

 


It may be assbackwards, BUT it is NYP!  She is not asking to move back in with you.  Have to give her props for being resourceful.   

Lets just hope that she really does have job.  But, again, as QCR said it is NYP!   (I know I changed the NMP to NYP, since I am referring to you.)

 
peaceplease