ive been replaced shes out of state if i moved closer can i get her back

[Think About It...]

First time posting on this board I'm usually on the L3 boards bcause I know this r/s is not good for me anymore...But I would like some input .story n a nutshell been married to a uBPDw (but she has evry single trait besides the cutting herself)for 15 years she's cheated b4 we were younger and I wasn't a saint always either.but now we are in our late 30s now .her mom gets lung cancer in dec fatal type.me and the kids send her to take care of her in her home city.we are 3 states away we as afamily decide to move back to her home city we've lived there before for some years .mother passes in feb .I get house ready for rent keep the kids in school until our forcast date of apr1 all goes as planned until I question her about halfsteppin in finding a house for us and her growing need to play poker 3 to 4 times aweek.I don't mind a hobby but business is business when it comes to the kids and a house so this is march 25 she rages tells me I don't control her and she doesn't want me or the kids there .I gotta empty house 2 kids and people ready to move in..she acts funny the rest of the week moves money into a new account and shuts me off.I'm like hum seen this b4 sounds she messing around she lies about a week as I keep the house then apr y she drops the news and tells me she's been seeing a guy about 2 months and she's in love and so is he tattoed each others name hers on his neck and his on her ankle and covers my name up..so. the whole month of apr I'm in shock I drop 20 lbs and try everything in the book to fix it beg cried everything I mean that's my wife.anyway may comes along I gotta see for myself as the lies where coming in.he drives her car to work hint he doesn't have one he stays the night with her at her familys house hint he don't. Have a decent place for himself .come to find out he remodels old houses as a laborer ..I have my own house we as family lived inshe didn't work for 4. Straight years I tool care of everything had 2 paid 3 year old cars took care of her and my kids without a hookup 15 years I don't beat her don't cheat and treat her like the queen she was supposed to be...here's my thing if the board thinks if I move up state will me being in the same city bring a halt to this high school fairytale Love affair she's in I know this guy couldn't shine my shoes on a good day physically by looks or financialy.but I'm think me being here with the kids. It still goes on I sit here right now doing the responsible thing with the kids and I know him and her are together right now this sux .but I know the r/s we have is toxic and not good for me...gotta move on can't take this cheating anynore

[BP39]

First time posting on this board I'm usually on the L3 boards bcause I know this r/s is not good for me anymore...But I would like some input .story n a nutshell been married to a uBPDw (but she has evry single trait besides the cutting herself)for 15 years she's cheated b4 we were younger and I wasn't a saint always either.but now we are in our late 30s now .her mom gets lung cancer in dec fatal type.me and the kids send her to take care of her in her home city.we are 3 states away we as afamily decide to move back to her home city we've lived there before for some years .mother passes in feb .I get house ready for rent keep the kids in school until our forcast date of apr1 all goes as planned until I question her about halfsteppin in finding a house for us and her growing need to play poker 3 to 4 times aweek.I don't mind a hobby but business is business when it comes to the kids and a house so this is march 25 she rages tells me I don't control her and she doesn't want me or the kids there .I gotta empty house 2 kids and people ready to move in..she acts funny the rest of the week moves money into a new account and shuts me off.I'm like hum seen this b4 sounds she messing around she lies about a week as I keep the house then apr y she drops the news and tells me she's been seeing a guy about 2 months and she's in love and so is he tattoed each others name hers on his neck and his on her ankle and covers my name up..so. the whole month of apr I'm in shock I drop 20 lbs and try everything in the book to fix it beg cried everything I mean that's my wife.anyway may comes along I gotta see for myself as the lies where coming in.he drives her car to work hint he doesn't have one he stays the night with her at her familys house hint he don't. Have a decent place for himself .come to find out he remodels old houses as a laborer ..I have my own house we as family lived inshe didn't work for 4. Straight years I tool care of everything had 2 paid 3 year old cars took care of her and my kids without a hookup 15 years I don't beat her don't cheat and treat her like the queen she was supposed to be...here's my thing if the board thinks if I move up state will me being in the same city bring a halt to this high school fairytale Love affair she's in I know this guy couldn't shine my shoes on a good day physically by looks or financialy.but I'm think me being here with the kids. It still goes on I sit here right now doing the responsible thing with the kids and I know him and her are together right now this sux .but I know the r/s we have is toxic and not good for me...gotta move on can't take this cheating anynore

[Mauser]

To answer your original question, here's my input:
My ex and I recycled over 20 times. We actually got along better when we were many states/countries away.

We live just blocks from each other. We work blocks from each other. We worked identical hours. We drive the same roads. And he STILL managed to run around behind my back at least 1-2x a week.

There are many, MANY stories here where couples are married/live together, and there is still covering up, lying, omitting, cheating, etc.

It doesn't matter how well you treated her- dear Lord, there were times I was perfect and I mean Barbie-doll, June Cleaver perfect. Didn't make a difference.  And many times, our replacements are "you've gotta be kidding me. You dumped me for THAT?"

The next question, you did hit upon at the end: You know it's toxic. Why do you want to continue it? No, I'm not judging. I've been there. Still am some days.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[BP39]

Mauser thanks for the input oh there's many times just like you when she would get and get her thing never admmited but I'm not stupid and ther was a time 2.5 years she got cauught up in the myspace world and had a 20 year old stock boy sneakin by the house while I was at work..so now  you. Know why I say toxic and no good and ill admit I wasn't always a saint many years ago .but I have been good for at least the past 9 nons grow up.we've been apart a whole year once when I was deployed and she stuck around about 4 or 5 months and guess what she split. But I was wondering maybe out of sight out of mind possibly.is what I was getting at

[goinbonkers]

what would get her back is not moving closer, but her to not be in a relationship and work on herself.  and you not be in a relationship and work on you.  i'm just saying.

[BP39]

Nice input as always bonkers that will be the ideal situation or even better yet she could have waited and not screwed thiis whole thing I mean its not like we ddidnt have a planto move up there and I could have seen ifwe weren't visiting her every 3 weeks..I go back and forth she claims to be so in love but I really think if I was there it would make a differnce ,either me messing this guy up .or her sneakin away to see me either way I want it to fail but I don't want her back either

[goinbonkers]

Nice input as always bonkers that will be the ideal situation or even better yet she could have waited and not screwed thiis whole thing I mean its not like we didnt have a plan to move up there and I could have seen if we weren't visiting her every 3 weeks..I go back and forth she claims to be so in love but I really think if I was there it would make a difference ,either me messing this guy up .or her sneakin away to see me either way I want it to fail but I don't want her back either

i feel you.  only because i am in a similar boat.  well i wouldn't want to mess the guy up as i have been jailed a couple of times and its not a whole lot of fun.  and not to mention expensive.

[rickstone]

"if I was there it would make a difference ,either me messing this guy up .or her sneakin away to see me either way I want it to fail but I don't want her back either".

me too!  i seriously thought more than once about getttin in my truck driving to where they are and kicking OM %ss!  I even told her that he deserves it for messin with another mans gal, no matter what she thinks of me.  course she got all mad and kept saying "no he doesnt deserve it, hes being real nice" (I BET HE IS!).  and by the way they DO deserve it.  what kind of low class so and so get involved with another mans
wife/gf?

BUT...it would like you say land me in jail, ruin my career,  jeopardize my professional license, make me look like the controlling fool person she claims i am.
better to beat on a punching bag or the wall or somethin.

doesnt change what they deserve though.

[goinbonkers]

what kind of low class so and so get involved with another mans wife/gf?

i did once upon a time.  many times.  i did it because i was really depressed and did not like myself very much.  it hurt more than helped me (my depression) though. it actually made it worse and so no more of that for me.  yeah i was an a-hole. 

i learned that if things did not work out with the dude they are with, it sure won't work out with you either (unless the person stayed out of a relationship and worked on themselves). 

my T tells me i probably used to do that because i had/have intimacy issues and did not want to be with anyone emotionally available.

so in short, someone who does that really does not have it all together.  i'm just saying.

[GreenMango]

BP39,

You've mentioned some very serious fidelity issues with your wife over the years, which are a problem for you.  They'd be a problem for me too.  Your wife has triangulated with this most recent man.  This has resulted in her leaving you and your children for a very lengthy period of time.

Have you given some thought to if this might happen again and what you would need to see from her to make uprooting your family's life worth it?

GM

[BP39]

Thanks for the input gm rick and bonkers and toeveryone else...the guy is a p.o.s just like the ex.I got. 2 make it clear as bad as it hurts and my so called familt destroyed I will never ever be in a commited realtionship with lying maniulptive p.o.s of a woman yes I'm jealous I hate him and her.he think he's hit the jackpot but doesn't know he's crapped out.rick how long do your exes rebound last...its athought to move there bc I did live in that city numerous years .I just want this to end I look at my kids and think how can u do this to them.its like the ex is 17 and has her life in front of her.she IS 37 with 3 kids and soon to be 2 ex husbands what the hell is he and the people she has been around 6 months seeing

[goinbonkers]

Thanks for the input gm rick and bonkers and toeveryone else...the guy is a p.o.s just like the ex.I got. 2 make it clear as bad as it hurts and my so called familt destroyed I will never ever be in a commited realtionship with lying maniulptive p.o.s of a woman yes I'm jealous I hate him and her.he think he's hit the jackpot but doesn't know he's crapped out.rick how long do your exes rebound last...its athought to move there bc I did live in that city numerous years .I just want this to end I look at my kids and think how can u do this to them.its like the ex is 17 and has her life in front of her.she IS 37 with 3 kids and soon to be 2 ex husbands what the hell is he and the people she has been around 6 months seeing

my dad did a similar thing to my mom when he was 37.  a lot of people say it is mid-life crisis related.  

my dad had a lot of fun in the beginning, but he surely paid big time in the end.  

the grass is usually always greener on the other side.  it is emotional immaturity at play for sure.  

using high schooler tactics to handle adulthood issues never works.

[BP39]

Mid life crisis ,bonkers this is insanity 2 kids aged 10 and 6 come an animal will put there kids before a mate hell she put them before me.she hasn't seen them in 3 months been triangulteing saying she had cervical cancer again.so she coulndt travel out the proximity I bought it but said I would bring the kids there always an excuse to sit with loverboy..anywayswe were rocky before she left but seemed to get better during our time apart so I thought idk I could move there and have the kids stay with there grandmom until I get feet squarely planted there.but I don't know if that will stop this madness

[rickstone]

blackpanther;

mine about a month and a half ago.  i took her to ER becasue she was in terrible pain.  She has severe chronic back problems and a bunch of other stuff related to her work injury 5 years ago.  While we were in the waiting room last april, she got the call from OM.  since i was there she kind of blew him off told him shed call later.  told me the guy was looking for her brother.  I showed her love.  i did an all nighter for her
sleeping in my truck couple hrs at a time (had to work the next day) in the parking lot coming in every so often to check on her hold her hand.
17 hrs at ER.

the next day she was on the phone with this guy 3 times for like 1.1/2 hrs, exchanging pictures, him sending her a picture of 'x' rated longerie and a come on.  they probably flirted, giggled, carried on who knows.  i called her on it, begged her to stop, to at least tell him she had SO.

the next few weeks i slept in my own room, but i had to endure overhearing the giggles, the flirting and back and forth crap.

i told her this guy has no class.  who would not even knowing or ever met someone send an 'x' rated picture the first time?
she said "oh everyone does that!  he apologized and now he's real nice"  What?  i have never done that in my life!  never even thought about it.
what a low life

dude i feel your anger.

[goinbonkers]

blackpanther;

mine about a month and a half ago.  i took her to ER becasue she was in terrible pain.  She has severe chronic back problems and a bunch of other stuff related to her work injury 5 years ago.  While we were in the waiting room last april, she got the call from OM.  since i was there she kind of blew him off told him shed call later.  told me the guy was looking for her brother.  I showed her love.  i did an all nighter for her
sleeping in my truck couple hrs at a time (had to work the next day) in the parking lot coming in every so often to check on her hold her hand.
17 hrs at ER.

the next day she was on the phone with this guy 3 times for like 1.1/2 hrs, exchanging pictures, him sending her a picture of 'x' rated longerie and a come on.  they probably flirted, giggled, carried on who knows.  i called her on it, begged her to stop, to at least tell him she had SO.

the next few weeks i slept in my own room, but i had to endure overhearing the giggles, the flirting and back and forth crap.

i told her this guy has no class.  who would not even knowing or ever met someone send an 'x' rated picture the first time?
she said "oh everyone does that!  he apologized and now he's real nice"  What?  i have never done that in my life!  never even thought about it.
what a low life

dude i feel your anger.

from all that i read on different posts, it seems people's SO tend to want to revert back to their high school (childish) days.  i guess that has to do with them being emotionally immature.  growing up is hard, but they have to do it someday.

[BP39]

Immature is putting it lightly espically when the people my ex has sourdend her self with they are enabaling her bc she works for them no bills ,no kids no responsibilitys eveythings about poohbear.makes my stomach turn here I'm sittin here been a good husband good father good provider even througj all this pain still holding it down for tje kids.and she's out here like somee teenager with her b/f that's stays the night cause he don't have sht either ...pathetic

[goinbonkers]

Immature is putting it lightly espically when the people my ex has sourdend her self with they are enabaling her bc she works for them no bills ,no kids no responsibilitys eveythings about poohbear.makes my stomach turn here I'm sittin here been a good husband good father good provider even througj all this pain still holding it down for tje kids.and she's out here like somee teenager with her b/f that's stays the night cause he don't have sht either ...pathetic

yeah i'm sorry you have to deal with that.  it really sucks i know.  i probably would be dealing with the same with my stbxBPDw but i have been mostly staying NC with her during our divorce proceedings.  if we had kids together, i would have to talk to her though.