Hey 34,
I write this to you because we both started posting here around the same time. And I've read every one of your posts...read about how she's behaved before, the emotional rollercoaster you've been on since she skipped out, the depression, the sadness, the anger, the compassion for her, the previous letter, the bargaining, the "car".
Please reread your conversation with her. After I read this, all I could think of was I literally just read every hallmark of BPD in hypertime.
The email read: "Hey."
Taking your attachment temperature. And overly familiar considering the circumstances. Contradictory to the reality...this speaks volumes about someone's behavior and their interpretation of appropriate.
My heart nearly fell to the floor.
I bet.
I replied : hey you what up.
Cordial but damn if you didn't give her the green light with the familiarity. The door was cracked and now she's in the house.
xBPD: are you ok?
Please seriously consider this...if she was concerned about you why did it take 4 months to check? This is not an are you okay...this is Are you okay with me? And I'm in need of attention, something is not going right in my new situation. Things are starting to crack in the fantasy.
me: Lets say that i have not been 'right' in quite awhile.
Honest. Good.
x: good/ bad ?
Rhetorical question and denial. She's knows you were not okay. But "playing stupid" is very inconsiderate. Shows a complete lack of empathy or personal accountability.
me: Ok.. it's like this...I would like to speak to you in person. Not phone, not text and not email. Would you consider this ?
If so... Pick a place and time. And I'll be there on time. Promise.
See here you're asking her to face herself. This part of her impulsive need to assuage her emotions wasn't considered when she initiated this tete-a-tete.
x:Hmmmm…..im going to lunch w/B. up the street today at 12:30?
Clever. Let me politely drop in my "boyfriend". You didn't need all this info, this is over-sharing. It seems she's trying to rationalize the appropriateness of her contacting you by being transparent and she's flaunting her relationship.
me: How did I know you were going to say that...
. I just came in at 12pm and I get off at 7pm ... can we meet for like a 1/2 hr or so after 7 ?
You can't imagine the gratification a person with severe self-image and esteem issues gets when another person wants their attention.
x:Dude…i cant id feel to shady. J. would be a little weird about this, just as I would be if he met his Ex…
Not shady enough to not call. So where's the line in shady here. Is it texting, is it email, is it phone calls? This has absolutely nothing to do with how she may feel she's compromising her integrity in regards to her current relationship or she would not have called at all to discuss past relationship issues with you.
me: Understandable. If you can make it work ,sometime, let me know.
I was so hoping as I was reading this that the conversation ended here...for your sake.
x:Well I don’t see how its possible. I promise if you email me I wont show any1….
She's manipulating and she makes promises? Another contradiction.
I am uncomfortable at this point.
I would be too...seriously. Really uncomfortable, but in your search for closure from the person who hurt you, you ignored your feelings.
me: I need closure.
x: I thought we did. Why now.
Her response here is well I can't say shocking because I don't think I'm ever really surprised anymore...but it's amazing how this got twisted around. Why Now? Hello, she called you.
Yet in her inability to accept the unacceptable feelings she has she projected it onto you. Now you're responsible. Not her, she is now innocent.
me: you perhaps, I was still in shock and awe there was a lot of emotion from myself back and forth back and forth
and considering yesterday 4 mos your timing is quite a 'coincidence'
x: You can call me if you want
me: I can around 730
This is I want you to call me. But again I'm putting it on you.
x: ok deal. J. is ok with it.
Don't count on this.
Why are we not talking in person ?
x: because I am uncomfortable.
me: why did you email me this morning ?
x: i wanted to see if you were ok ?
me: why wouldnt I be ok :
x: silence.
x: are you still hurt ?
me: uhhhh... yeah. You will never know. I didn't deserve that... what you did to me. The last 2 weeks. It was rotten despicable. I loved you. You have a very distorted view of love. Your love comes and goes...
x: please 34 , don't do this.
I'm guessing her original impulse to call you was about her. When you weren't ecstatic to hear from her and shared honest feelings, she began the process of splitting you again. When she said don't do this...she means don't make me face myself and my behavior. I only want your attention, your love, your admiration...because you are an object not a person. You are not supposed to have feelings or display anything other than what I want.
She tells me she moved in with J. She tells me she fell in love with him and couldnt help it.
me: when did you start to check out on me ?
(A week before break up we were bowling on Sat night)
x: Well when J. came up to our lane .. I stepped up to him and I asked " Would you 'f' me " J. said No.. but I would date you. " And i started to fall for him.
Please know her last statement is something no emotionally healthy person fit for a long term relationship would do. The fact that all it took was a little bit of a challenge for her feelings to change in ten seconds flat is incredibly disordered.
me: do you miss me ?
I feel for you 34. She doesn't have the depth of emotion to feel the same as other people.
x: Now ? well I miss your devilish humor ...I miss the good times... I miss... ( she goes silent)
x: I do think of you... but don't overanylyze that 34.
me: I won't .. I want to feel that I was someone of value that improved your life... I felt used , like our r/s was fraudulent
x: you know how much I felt about you .. I madly all over you ( wow so your love is cheap ?) and you met my parents and met my kid and we went to xmas park w/ lights. We came into each others lives at the right times for what we both needed. ( huh ?)
me: you lived with your parents ! I had to meet everyone and your daughter because they would not sit her.
on and on with her trying to manipulate or gaslight me by her rewriting history. She is batchit.
x: I am not a mean person
me: *silence*
x: well whatever you can think whatever you want.
some more bs ...
x: I didn't cheat ... physically
me: emotional cheating is cheating. don't insult me.
x: you're right
x: I don't want o be rude but I am cutting into J. time . I want to be healthy and go rock climbing and see the world... and when I am healthy I am going to have a baby.
me: (what the f... my head is spinning ) I know you'll get there one day.
All is not well in her new relationship. Enough said.
x: so are we cool now.. cause I don't want to be .. weird.. I want to be cordial with you.
me: yeah we are a little cooler than where we were at the top of the phone call.
x: ok .. well.
me: yeah .. ok gotta go see you later,
x: see ya.
Wow...just wow. As fast as it comes in, it goes out.
So ... I was a mess for 2 days. Not only did I not get confront her in person ...she got me to respond by text , email and phone. grrrrrrrrrr
I wanted to write a final closure email so i emailed her at work yesterday .
me: is your home e-mail stilll "___"
x: yup.
X: Im not sure why you’re asking…you could be sending me coupons or suggesting a book or something BUT I am hoping you’re not doing anything further than that and picking at healing scabs…
Her... she has healing scabs ? Always. About. Them. Isn't it. banging my head against a wall . She almost crushed me with her BS.
So after much deliberation I write her my last email ever. (99.9% sure)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
title:
a note, a good book and some coupons. A good book (your nook should read .pdf's) and a good site for coupon codes ------------>
http://www. .com/
enjoy.
(The book is called the Lucifer Principle 1st chapter is titled: Love that is disguised as evil . I can't make this stuff up. )
ps: I started to write more but as I kept writing... we are just going to view our prior r/s in opposing ways.
Also it was a good that we spoke. Although, I didn't agree with some of your statements, I def. agree with keeping cordial.
peace.
I hope this is 100% the last email because of what you say below.
But i am determined now. i am determined to get over this. over her. I will always recognize that there will be some love, some caring from within me towards her. But IT must end.
She will continue to hold me powerless and broken. I can't let her.
Please dear lord .. bring the detachment soon. I sense that it is around the corner... I can taste it.
She only holds as much power over her as you let her. This is why no contact is important to healing. Every bit of contact keeps that pain and emotional trauma cycling. We do it for us because it helps to break the pattern.
34 please put yourself first. She seems to be very bad for you. Detachment leads to freedom (it's not a passive thing and it means making some hard choices).
What are you going to do now?
Take Care,
GM
