Projection or lack of consideration on my part?

[Think About It...]

Is this Projection or lack of consideration towards my stbexUBPDw on my part?
For many months years my stbexUBPDw gave me grief about my first wife and mother of my 3 son_

[matwater]

Is this Projection or lack of consideration towards my stbexUBPDw on my part?
For many months years my stbexUBPDw gave me grief about my first wife and mother of my 3 son_

[nonhere]

I think that's a tough question.  Who can answer it? Who really knows?  (I'm doubting/second-guessing myself as well, in the same way as you are maltwater)

Would the answer she would give satisfy you as the truth?  I don't know what your contact situation is, but I'm guessing that if she's stbexw then you're not exactly in good communicative contact.

Maybe she was mulling over her own separation and guilt.  Thing is there's a lot of difference between you realising that (now), and her realising that (at the time), explaining what's making her insecure, saying that she wants to believe that you're committed to her, and listening to your reaction.  I'd guess that this was not what happened.

Are you trying to be a mind-reader, even way after the event?  I apologise completely if that sounds harsh, I don't mean it to.  I stand accused more than anyone - I mull over things that happened in our r/s, months (even a couple of years) later, and wonder what she really meant, whether it was really because of XY or Z (not said by her), whether I could have handled it better.  When I start thinking like this it's for the purpose of putting it right, putting right what went wrong.  Which is a great purpose, but:

a) It happened way back.
b) She is not there to put it right with me; when I've tried, there is nothing on her end of the conversation.
c) She was in fact not there to "get it right first time", in the situation I'm mulling over.  No amount of putting myself in her shoes, now, is going to change that.

[Dera]

I think the only right answer in the eyes of someone with BPD would have been "No, I could never leave you for her, I love you more than I ever loved anyone, I will never love anyone but you." Their fear of losing their attachment to you requires reassurance and comfort.

A healthy, mature person wants to hear a balanced answer like you gave. It rings of truth, and shows your ongoing love and caring toward your children and your former spouse, which bodes well for a future relationship. For a BPD, they want extreme and childish love.

My exBPD used to ask me at the beginning of the relationship things like if we ever broke up what would I do. I used to answer with reasonable answers, and he kept asking me until I finally hit upon the right answer "If we broke up I will never have another man in my life. I will love you my whole life and could never replace you." And he was satisfied with this crazy answer and I learned to use it for the rest of the relationship.

[matwater]

I was made to feel bad and unloving for giving my balanced viewpoint. This went on for many many months and a ongoing thread through all our relationship.

That was the 2nd thing she used after her opening argument of saying I was selfish and unsupportive.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[matwater]

Just by you saying that has lifted a massive weight off of my shoulders!

[Dera]

I'm sure you will find, as I have, that you will experience that over and over on this website. Every day I read something that lifts a little more of my burden.

[matwater]

But the more i validate that she has BPD the more i feel for her... This is something I can't fix unlike my car or washing machine.. Not something I want to see my boys witness me trying to like with.

Although she almost destoryed me by her actions she's taught me something very important to help me be a even better farther.

NC..NC...NC...NC

[Dera]

Realizing that my uBPDbf most likely has BPD (9 out of 9 traits imo), helped me be more compassionate towards him, and helped me be more at peace with everything that has happened. It's hard... wanting to fix them, and standing helplessly by while they continue down the destructive path they are on. Like you, I don't want my children to have to deal with this relationship, they didn't sign up for it, it's not fair to them. I don't want them to model their own relationships after what I've displayed in this one.

What do you mean about what she's taught you? I feel this too, and I'm interested in your take on it.

[tailspin]

matwater,

It's normal to reflect back on all the crap that doesn't make sense now.  However, you should never doubt yourself.  Any questions she had for you were strictly about her and her fears.  Her projection.  Her insecurities.  Her abandonment issues.  Not because you weren't considerate.

Looking back we can all see how we would have done things differently...and will do things differently.  Don't blame yourself for not being *perfect* because there is no such thing.  We are all human and by definition we are all imperfect.  You could have answered her questions differently and the ending would have still be the same.

She may in fact have unfinished business with her first husband...but her initial abandonment trauma goes back much further than this.

Peace to you

tailspin

[matwater]

What do you mean about what she's taught you? I feel this too, and I'm interested in your take on it.

Her intense needs have taught me how to give love, be more touchy feely. I_

[Dera]

Her intense needs have taught me how to give love, be more touchy feely.

Well, I never thought about that, but it's probably true. If I can keep my ex entertained and secure, I'm sure I can pretty much knock the socks off a normal man. 

I think she_

[myself]

It's good you are not giving up on love. We are an optimistic bunch here at BPD, aren't we? And that's a really good thing.

 

[matwater]

If I can keep my ex entertained and secure, I'm sure I can pretty much knock the socks off a normal man.

This occurred to me the other day(not a man but a women ).. This is what is responsible for my current level of happiness and optimism.

Something else popped into my head earlier.. after watching the worst sci-fi film in a while "2012" she went on a strop and accused me of not caring.. I'd never race to safe her and her kids in the event of a world wide disaster.. and me i took it seriously and tried to explain myself and felt bad for her feeling bad.

[matwater]

I think the only right answer in the eyes of someone with BPD would have been "No, I could never leave you for her, I love you more than I ever loved anyone, I will never love anyone but you."

But the funny things is that was the truth

[BentNotBroken]

The funny thing is that the right answer can become the wrong answer in a heartbeat when the BPD's feelings change. I had almost everything I ever said or did twisted and thrown back at me like a weapon at one time or another.

I was told I was just lazy for telling her I did not want to find anyone else.
Thanks...I think it takes a real sick mind to clobber someone with their own expression of love and devotion...

If you haven't experienced the quicksand--no-right-answer-ever situation, consider yourself lucky.

[myself]

If you haven't experienced the quicksand--no-right-answer-ever situation, consider yourself lucky.

Ahhh, the Good Old Days.