Validating what do you do when they won't let it go

[Think About It...]

I was reviewing the validation tools and maybe I missed it but the examples are like pages from my life   The problem is that after I validate she usually won't move on or she accuses me of being condescending or fill in the ______ 
What should I do then?
Her
You insulted my cooking it's the last thing that I do good and after 20 years you took that away
Me
It must really hurt to have your cooking insulted
Her
You are an ass ( or something stronger)
Me
I love your cooking

At this point she either goes silent ( I take as good self soothing) or she starts getting the dysregulated mean face and I disengage before it goes any farther

This is an example it's the attempt to push my buttons after validating that I am trying to diffuse  should I do something different ?

[desperate dutchman]

I was reviewing the validation tools and maybe I missed it but the examples are like pages from my life   The problem is that after I validate she usually won't move on or she accuses me of being condescending or fill in the ______ 
What should I do then?
Her
You insulted my cooking it's the last thing that I do good and after 20 years you took that away
Me
It must really hurt to have your cooking insulted
Her
You are an ass ( or something stronger)
Me
I love your cooking

At this point she either goes silent ( I take as good self soothing) or she starts getting the dysregulated mean face and I disengage before it goes any farther

This is an example it's the attempt to push my buttons after validating that I am trying to diffuse  should I do something different ?

[united for now]

Did you try asking her why she felt you insulted her cooking?

Validation works best when we understand where or why our SO's are upset. That way we can better target our responses.

Sometimes though, nothing we say will make a difference, and she will have to just self soothe herself. We can't solve all issues. Life its filled with challenging moments.

[briefcase]

It's hard, very hard, to validate accusactions that we feel have no merit. 

There are many ways to provide validation.  We have a link in our validation workshop to a video by Dr. Alan Fruzzetti, which helped me learn other ways to validate.  It's a must watch video, the link in the workshops takes you to a list of videos, scroll down to find the one called "Understanding Validation in Families".  Here is a link to our workshop page: http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81610.40.

[isilme]

Validation can come off as condescending, sometimes I think.  It's a hard skill to use when you don't agree with or are personally being attacked by a statement.

[buterfly]

I agree you should ask why she feels you insulted her cooking.  Although often when I ask my BPD for specifics he cannot tell me why, and gets silent so...  sometimes it's not even what we do it's just what they are thinking. 

Also, maybe giving specifics would help.  For example maybe she burnt the toast, is feeling bad about it, and is projecting onto you as if you are upset she burnt the toast.  In that case you could say, 'This toast tastes good crispy like this.'   

I think that sometimes validation works, and sometimes it doesn't, but it is worth a try, because anything that might help is worth a try, right?

[andywho]

It's hard, very hard, to validate accusactions that we feel have no merit. 

There are many ways to provide validation.  We have a link in our validation workshop to a video by Dr. Alan Fruzzetti, which helped me learn other ways to validate.  It's a must watch video, the link in the workshops takes you to a list of videos, scroll down to find the one called "Understanding Validation in Families".  Here is a link to our workshop page: http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81610.40.

Couldnt get the video to work.. even in the newest internet explorer. Couldnt insatll the plugin needed.

[desperate dutchman]

Thanks. She is a great cook. My sin was that I asked that we cut back on the red sauces for me(they are not sitting well ) not just her cooking but all sauce pizza ect. Anyway if I had a time machine I could have phrased it so that it was about her but I did not see this one coming. Most of what she is madno out I did not say. She is very proud of her red sauce and I think she just took my request to an lllogical conclusion

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