MY H claims i have BPD and he does the following that seem BPD himself...

[Think About It...]

Cuts me off and "detaches" becasue i have BPD. i am married with three kids and he is forever doing his "own thing" to protect himself from me.
He already had intimacy issues and we had seen marriage counselors tht recommend he share, get close etc.. he never could do what the T recommended, and now he blames that on my having BPD. at the same time he
has no empathy whatsoever. -- says "I dont care how you feel at all, dont even tell me about it: when i am hurting.
Blames me for everything, all of it went wrong bc of my "BPD"
He was diagnosed with major deperssion, but now says "i dont have depression its because i am in a relationship with you and you have a"major problem"
when i try to explain what i am thinking he says "you dont need to tell me, i already know, i talked to my advisors and you have no credibility with me whatsoever.".
He then tells me what my intentions are. Claims he knows me better than I know myself. Tells me he has changed and i am unable and wont and never will. (the way he changed is to live as a single man within a marriage after 23 years).
tells me he knows me better than i know myself. says i dont listen as he cuts me off at every chance he gets. if i talk to him he tells me i am "ruining his weekend".
and on and on and on..
so, who has BPD?

[sometimesnow]

Cuts me off and "detaches" becasue i have BPD. i am married with three kids and he is forever doing his "own thing" to protect himself from me.
He already had intimacy issues and we had seen marriage counselors tht recommend he share, get close etc.. he never could do what the T recommended, and now he blames that on my having BPD. at the same time he
has no empathy whatsoever. -- says "I dont care how you feel at all, dont even tell me about it: when i am hurting.
Blames me for everything, all of it went wrong bc of my "BPD"
He was diagnosed with major deperssion, but now says "i dont have depression its because i am in a relationship with you and you have a"major problem"
when i try to explain what i am thinking he says "you dont need to tell me, i already know, i talked to my advisors and you have no credibility with me whatsoever.".
He then tells me what my intentions are. Claims he knows me better than I know myself. Tells me he has changed and i am unable and wont and never will. (the way he changed is to live as a single man within a marriage after 23 years).
tells me he knows me better than i know myself. says i dont listen as he cuts me off at every chance he gets. if i talk to him he tells me i am "ruining his weekend".
and on and on and on..
so, who has BPD?

[stillsurvivin]

Cuts me off and "detaches" becasue i have BPD. i am married with three kids and he is forever doing his "own thing" to protect himself from me.
He already had intimacy issues and we had seen marriage counselors tht recommend he share, get close etc.. he never could do what the T recommended, and now he blames that on my having BPD. at the same time he
has no empathy whatsoever. -- says "I dont care how you feel at all, dont even tell me about it: when i am hurting.
Blames me for everything, all of it went wrong bc of my "BPD"
He was diagnosed with major deperssion, but now says "i dont have depression its because i am in a relationship with you and you have a"major problem"
when i try to explain what i am thinking he says "you dont need to tell me, i already know, i talked to my advisors and you have no credibility with me whatsoever.".
He then tells me what my intentions are. Claims he knows me better than I know myself. Tells me he has changed and i am unable and wont and never will. (the way he changed is to live as a single man within a marriage after 23 years).
tells me he knows me better than i know myself. says i dont listen as he cuts me off at every chance he gets. if i talk to him he tells me i am "ruining his weekend".
and on and on and on..
so, who has BPD?

Funny, or not, that my uxBPDso said the same things to me, word for word.  He meets 5 of the 9 criteria for BPD and I meet none of them.  The quotes you have put in your post seem to me to be quite verbally abusive.  Mine would also say "don't talk to me," regularly.  He hated my voice tone and what I had to say and mimicked my voice and what I said when I tried to talk to him.  I would try to show him I had changed during our 9 year relationship and he would say that I was unable to and never could (see your quote above).  Amazing!  Mine never had signs of depression and certainly would never go near a T.  He sure enjoyed latching on to the fact I had some depression issues and saw a T (so I could try to make sense of the relationship with him).  All he cared about was himself.  Empathy?  Are you kidding? Ha! Of course your "BPD" is projection by him.  Mine loved telling me I had NPD.  My T said I didn't at all.  I am sorry to hear you made it through a marriage of 23 years.  Nine years was more than enough of this abuse, although I will admit we are still in LC. 

[sometimesnow]

whats LC?
Yes mine is verbally abusive. This all started when his T must have told him to read stop walking on eggshells. he is a major avoider, and hopped right to the advise to 'do things alone, without the BPD". he says he gets couneling to deal with 'his relationship with me". I am trying to be strong and to divorce him but so far i am working on my own issues. he wasnt always this bad, but the self diagnosis of me by him and his T has given him amunition to really go for the core.
its painful and miserable.
i have daughters 13 (twins) and a 11 year old.
thanks for reading. Hi!

[stillsurvivin]

LC = little contact.  I do a few emails or texts with the uxBPDso every few weeks but let him initiate them since I really don't have any reason to talk to him anymore but just can't ignore him.

I already went through a divorce after 27 years of marriage and 2 kids.  That was not the relationship with the uxBPDso, but with someone else.  My exhusband was just plain abusive but I would not call it BPD.  Certainly not all abuse is due to BPD.  He just came from a dysfunctional family and did not know how to have a relationship.  I am not about to try to diagnose him with anything.  Anyway, the uxBPDso came along just as my marriage was falling apart.  In terms of the marriage, it took me months of preparation to actually leave my ex-husband.  I got a place to live, set up a separate bank account, etc., and then just waited for everything to "blow," which it finally did one day. Then I had a safe place to go that he didn't know about.  My kids were already 19 and 14 when this happened so they weren't as young as yours.  My children said they would rather have us apart than having all the tension of fighting, the silent treatment, etc.   I wish you luck.

[MaybeSo]

if you did have BPD or BPD traits, so what? It's treatable. So is depression, anxiety, PTSD, and dependency...which can all look like BPD or coexist with BPD.

Whatever either of you "have"...

You both are in a unhealthy relationship right now. People feel panicky and profoundly stressed living under these conditions and during separations, divorce, breakups.

Continue to seek your own counsel and take care of what you can, your own well being and mental health. Ain't none of us at our best when we first come this forum. But it gets better with time.

[ron7127]

I have no idea if you have BPD, so please do not take offense. But, if you do, he is acting in  the manner I would, detaching. No arguing, no engaging, not worrying about what you say or think etc.
Again, please do not take this as if I am saying you have BPD. You may very well not. But, if you do, the way he is acting is for his own protection.

[sometimesnow]

i understand that. but i dont have BPD, i have a counselor who says I don't and its speculation on his part. his counselor who is coaching him has never met me, and
i have differnt things but BPD isn't one of them. I told him i would meet the counselor, i would get testing, his counselor could call my counselor. if i did have it, i would surely get help. so, he is accussing and blaming, and blaming his depression on me. wouldnt you want to have proof? how is totally detaching while raising three kids going to help? he detaches 100 percent of the time. doesnt call and check in, doesnt coordinate plans, totally separated our finances, locked out his email, his checking and everythinng. we have been married 23 years. wouldnt you think he would know this before now if this were true? he uses failed marriage counseling as his proof. in reality he could never do what the counselor recommend because he is afraid of intimacy and an avoider. the advice to detach fits perfectly for someone like him. now he can be married and doesnt have to answer or be accountabl to me in anyway.
If i tell him this is painful for me he will say "i dont care, dont tell me, its not all about you." (sounds like a page from the Stop Walking on eggshells book).
he simply came home one night and said "i am not a husband, i am a coparent."
"You know such and such i used to do for you/ well i am not doing it anymore."
just very cruel. i think even if someone had BPD it is not a license to do as you wish. as both people probably have some issues.
If he has to detach 100 percent of the time to stay safe he should pursue a divorce. i probably will at some point if he doesnt. right now i am granting him his singledom. his choice.

[united for now]

That has to be a frustrating situation.

So how do you feel about living life the way he wants?

[MaybeSo]

So...the two of you can debate whose more f'ed up, or, you can step away from that trap, and move toward radical acceptance that he is at this point detached for his own reasons, and start taking steps to figure out what YOU need and want right now.

[sometimesnow]

maybe so
you are so right. thats what i am trying to do. i planned a separate vacation as he doesnt even talk with me when he is here. now he is all PO'ed and being very extra nasty. still no communications. i am stumped as to whether his counselor told him to do this. its hard to imagine someone getting weekly counselo and have this be the advice.
and no i am not happy living with his rules but mentally i am not ready for a divorce. i wish i would be, dont know what its going to take but i am moving in that direction.

[sometimesnow]

had honest talk with husband and he said he really believes this and acts accordingly. says he documents my behavior. i know i dont have this and if i did would seek help. we have no relationship because of this. what to do now?

[united for now]

He's telling you his beliefs.
You can't changes his beliefs.

So knowing how he feels, what do you want to do?

He's NOT going to change.
Its NOT going to get better than it is right now.

How do "you" want to live your life?

[sometimesnow]

i detach and disengage try to do everything wo his help or assistance but miss
him treating me normally-- being a husband

[united for now]

Yet doing that its increasing his detachment, not decreasing it.

Your game plan needs to be redone if your goal its to stay together.

[KateCat]

Has your husband explained to you why he is staying in the marriage? Does he say it is for financial reasons, or for the children, or because he hopes you will change certain behaviors?

[Steph]

 Here is the thing...

Maybe you have BPD or another PD. Maybe you dont. You seem adament about making it be clear that you dont have BPD.  And if you did have it, likely you wouldnt seek treatment for it easily or willingly, for awhile.  It really isnt important , however.

I am guessing that your husband, however, sees certain behaviors in you that he does not like.

Do you know what they are?

  In my case, years ago, my H was desperately trying to tell me, in a really messed up way, that I, too, had problems. I spent ALOT of time deflecting, and telling him HE had the problems..and completely missed what he was trying to tell me.

  Once we separated, I saw it.

So, ya know...what is he trying to tell you? What behaviors is he concerned about? What is the truth in what he is saying.

[iluminati]

I agree with Steph here.  That's why it's important to get therapy for ourselves.  Even the best of us, even people without any sort of contact with persons with BPD have their baggage.  The thing is that persons with BPD are so hurt and sensitive that they'll do anything to defend themselves.  That's why it's important to deal with your issues as a part of dealing with your relationship. 

It helps for two reasons.  For one, you can figure out what you might be doing wrong or what your issues are.  Two, once you know where your weak points are, they can't be used against you to cause you pain.  This is why it's important to take care of your side of the street first.  I know that it helped with me, and I know the more a Non acknowledges their own issues, the easier it is to deal with our SOs with BPD.

[sometimesnow]

Steph
I agree. I am in therapy myself. I think my problem with all of this is his comments are like this;
"I am not going to tell you what your problems, are,you need to figure that out"
"You have a personality disorder, thats why therapy doesnt work"
"No,you cant meet my therapist, no i dont want couples counseling,"
"the reason couples counseling didnt work is you have a PD"
"I want you to have the same reaction to me every day..."
"I dont want you to be mad at me."
"I dont want you to confront me about anything."
"I want to come and go as I please and I dont want you to say anything about it.:
"I want to blame you for the R/s failure and my therapist and I have concluded its about you
and your PD, if i were with someone else, i woudlnt have this problem"
"I cant hug you, talk to you or trust you as you have a PD"
"there is nothing you can do to change my mind."
"I wont divorce you, i will co parent with you."
"I wont spend anytime with you."
"your apologies mean nothing." :"your notes mean nothing"
"I will spend all my time alone, deatching, as you have a PD, and I am going
to make myself safe."
"I dont have major depression, I have a wife with a PD and that is causing all my problems:

[123Phoebe]

Hi sometimesnow,

Sounds like a real drag of a relationship   You've listed a ton of things; whew, gotta be hard on your psyche to hear all that.  How are your children handling all of this?  Have you noticed anything different in their behavior?

It doesn't sound like he's willing to budge an inch in making the situation any better.  What's keeping you in this relationship?  Can you live like this indefinitely? 

[MaybeSo]

So, he seems pretty clear in the moment about his opinion. it would be very difficult to live with a person under these circumstances. What is your goal at this point?