The next day and the next day, etc.

[Think About It...]

One day, my BPDw is abusive. I listen and say that she is being totally unfair, seeing that I am doing everything in my power to love and to respect her. The next day, she tells me she has felt like my daughter. I listen and say that I consider her as an equal, and she knows that. The next day, she tells me she has felt like a slave. I listen and say that I consider her as an equal. The next day, she tells me she appreciates me. The next day, she tells me she doesn't want me to leave. I show her by my words and by my actions that I love her and that I am hopeful that things between us will be better. She and I read different self-help books. She encouraged me to read one, seeing that she wanted to improve our relationship as a couple. The next day, she says she is not willing to be a couple doing the book's exercises. While I just listen with the purpose of validating what she says and also make sure that she is no longer abusive, it is extremely difficult to cope in a situation like this. She and I are dealing with our own separate counseling. Yet, she refuses to do couple counseling. Bottom line, I am really drained and has affected some of my enthusiasm. Any thoughts or reactions to share?

[Sensitive Man]

One day, my BPDw is abusive. I listen and say that she is being totally unfair, seeing that I am doing everything in my power to love and to respect her. The next day, she tells me she has felt like my daughter. I listen and say that I consider her as an equal, and she knows that. The next day, she tells me she has felt like a slave. I listen and say that I consider her as an equal. The next day, she tells me she appreciates me. The next day, she tells me she doesn't want me to leave. I show her by my words and by my actions that I love her and that I am hopeful that things between us will be better. She and I read different self-help books. She encouraged me to read one, seeing that she wanted to improve our relationship as a couple. The next day, she says she is not willing to be a couple doing the book's exercises. While I just listen with the purpose of validating what she says and also make sure that she is no longer abusive, it is extremely difficult to cope in a situation like this. She and I are dealing with our own separate counseling. Yet, she refuses to do couple counseling. Bottom line, I am really drained and has affected some of my enthusiasm. Any thoughts or reactions to share?

[Clearmind]

HITL, there is a difference between reacting and responding to her insecurities.

I listen and say that she is being totally unfair, seeing that I am doing everything in my power to love and to respect her

Are you really listening to her if you are also telling her she is being unfair. To her you are being unfair and you are showing her as much because you are not listening.

HITL, before things will get better, you really need to stop making it worse. From what I can see from your post is that your wife is emotionally reacting and instead of stepping back you are responding emotionally as well _

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Sensitive Man]

I have listened and listened and listened for the last 11 years. She has shared with me all of her emotions, including anger, guilt, frustration, and jealousy. When doing all of this genuinely because I do love her, she resorts to being abusive. She has told me that nobody has ever treated her with so much love, kindness, and flexibility as I have. You see, she hadn't been treated with the traits that I show her every day by anyone previously. It is very difficult for me to continuously listen now and let her be abusive with me, saying that I can't do anything right, that she feels like my daughter, that she feels obligated, that she has felt like a slave. I respect and love her opinions. I treat her like an adult, because her previous husband never did. I have bent over backwards to give her her space and have never forced, but only suggested with respect to her. I honor her opinions and her as a person. She wants her space on her days off to work on her issues, and she has it. When I was in the hospital a couple of months ago for chest pains for 4 days, she called me to see how I was doing, but she never once came to visit me. I can shut up and say nothing and be a "Stepford Husband", but that is not going to work. So, I do listen to her emotions. Yet, when she crosses that line of being accusatory and demeaning, I am tactful for a long time. Yet, when she continuously is that way, that is where I draw the line. Bottom line, how much longer am I supposed to be tactful and hopeful which is a part of my character? How much longer am I supposed to tolerate this situation? I do all the best I can to love, support, respect, and validate her by listening to her. At this point in time, it is all giving on my part with very little in return. Yet, I have found out that it is not in her character to be a couple. She is doing individual therapy for the last seven years and has some glimmers of improvement, but she has always reverted. You see, she was abused a child and lost a child who was only 7 1/2 years old from basically the West Nile Virus during her previous marriage. So, while I validate and empathize with her completely, she has admitted to me that she reverts to being negative and cannot help herself when she is trained with negative emotions. She says she wants to improve, but 11 years of this marriage have not resulted in any progress whatsoever. And yes, I am very exhausted and drained, and that is why when I have had energy, I have been looking at apartments. My friends and relatives all support and understand where I am coming from and would do the same. I will make the next step to move, if she is abusive or doesn't make any improvement. Enough is enough!

[Clearmind]

I don_

[Joseph54]

Hang in There

You are having a difficult time, I have said the same thing as you, to my wife when she lies, and humiliates me that "it is not fair". I have a right to defend myself and to protect my well being after the barrage of anger. I will walk away to avoid further conflict.

If your feeling drained you need some time for yourself to rejuvenate with friends or a hobby, more time outs to regain your balance.

We need to love ourselves as much as we do others and we come first.

Joe

[Sensitive Man]

Thank you for your feedback. You're suggesting that I take care of myself and that I love myself. I do my best to do those things by working out 4 to 5 times a week for about an hour in the morning. Professionally, I am doing a lot of great things, including writing and publishing books, helping people, giving workshops. So, those things literally have kept me alive. Personally, as you can see, it has been hell around here. That's why I have suggested my BPDw and I talk about what's going on between the two of us, but she refuses. She says and it is true that she has many issues to overcome. In the meantime, she becomes reclusive, abusive verbally whenever she is in a bad mood or whenever she feels she is triggered. Believe me, I do my best to validate and stay out of her way. I do my best to please her, but that obviously hasn't worked due to her own issues. She's done all kinds of therapies including tomorrow for seven hours out of state. This is the first of six times she's doing this. I am hopeful, but realistic. As she has told me, her body and mind are set to be triggered and reverts. So, I am on guard, but I do my best to be in my own world while still supoorting and loving this family. How much longer? I don't know. Again, thank you for your feedback.

[Joseph54]

I am in a similar situation. I have been married to my BPD wife for almost two years and am having real trouble keeping on balance. I love her but I do not like her and have become resentful of her due to her BPD moments. I have detached and have been looking after myself much better than before. It sounds like you are doing a lot in that area. Part of me wants to leave her but the other part of me wants to stay and try to grow through it. I am concerned that the relationship may cause more damage to myself and possibly my son. Are you preparing to leave her?

Joe

[Sensitive Man]

Joe, as for you and your dilemma of wanting to stay and wanting to leave, I empathize with you completely. It's a rough call to make; however, you need to think of the following. If it gets to the point that the abuse is really aggressive physically speaking or even verbally for that matter, you need to protect yourself. Also, your son is being jeopardized now and for life. It sounds like he is really young. What happened to me when I was less than two years old, my parents were arguing a lot, and, in fact, they didn't stop until they were much older. Nevertheless, even when I was less than two years old, I started to refuse to eat. My doctor told my parents that I needed to eat more. So, my beloved grandmother flew from Cleveland to LA to spend six weeks with us to encourage me to eat. Even after I recuperated and started eating more, I have been forever affected by my parents and their incessant arguing. By the way, I even wrote a short story about it which is in my social sci-fi book that I recently published. Getting back to you and your son, if it really gets bad at your home, you need to protect yourself and your son. You are both being affected, but especially him. As for preparing to leave, I have been looking at apartments out of town and closer to the coast which I love tremendously. I have been going to a counselor off and on, and he has suggested seeing an attorney. Yet, I freeze up and don't call, because I am hoping she will change. So, I am halfway making plans to leave. I know that might sound crazy to you, but I just have to force myself to see an attorney soon to see what my options are. I would suggest that you discreetly do the same, if possible. At least, you would know.You sound like me being patient and hopeful. Yet, what is going to be your breaking point? Also, what is going to be mine? Your guess is as good as mine! Hang in there, Joe! If you want to post more to me, fine. If you want to send a personal message to me, fine.

[Sensitive Man]

We live in a gated condo area, and there's a condo manager who can be rather aggressive. My BPDw doesn't like him as a result. I found out that he had a massive heart attack yesterday, is now in the hospital, and is having open heart surgery tomorrow. My heartless BPDw wants all the attention to herself. Also, since her older daughter passed away from the West Nile Virus 13 years ago and since no friends have been close to her since, she has been very critical about anyone who has an illness, in the hospital, or has passed away. She believes they did it to themselves. So, that is how she feels about the condo manager here. This brings up other emotions for me, because when I was in the hospital a couple of months ago for 4 long days, she only called and never showed up. I know it is her problem and her reality that she is trying to project on everyone else. Yet, she is hurting so very much due to her deceased daughter. So, she casts doom and gloom on everyone else. I just listened to her about this situation, because for me to disagree with her just means arguing will take place. Bottom line, it is either her way or her perception of reality and people or no way. UGH!

[Sensitive Man]

My BPDw doesn't like it when I say that I want to leave her, because her older daughter left this Earth in 1999 due to the West Nile Virus and her first husband left her. I have validated her feelings and have her realize that I don't make a statement like that very lightly. In fact, I prefer not to say it at all. Nevertheless, when the verbal abuse becomes so overbearing, I say to her that I am not here to be her emotional battering ram when she is in a bad mood. Her verbal abuse is a result of her mother's physical and verbal abuse, a result of her older daughter dying, a result of her husband leaving her, etc. I am human and make unintentional mistakes like any other human. When I do make mistakes which is very rare, I apologize. Nevertheless, I have never been the reason for her taking out her anger onto me. She does therapy and all kinds of exercises outside the house and reading when she is not reading. While she doesn't want me to leave, she truly has left me already for the last two years at least. She didn't even visit me in the hospital a couple of months ago when I had chest pains. She only called me, because she was too busy and stressed. And she wonders why I have asked about couple counseling and how we can communicate and compromise. My counselor suggested the couple counseling idea and said that if she said no, that we are not a couple. Well, I guess we are not a couple. As a result, I am very sad, angry, drained, and withdrawn. My professional life is fabulous with me helping people, etc. That has helped me out tremendously and has been my lifesaver. Yet, I feel a terrible void personally. My family and friends feel that from me and want me to be much happier. Some have even said that life is too short and that she is stalling in order to see if she still wants to be married or if we are a couple. Whether she is going through a midlife crisis or not, the end result is that she is very selfish, self-serving, and uncompromising. All that would be very nice is to be able to relate to one another which she is obviously unable to do at least for now. Nevertheless, I don't know if she ever will, and, in the meantime, I feel very unhappy here. ?

[Joseph54]

My wife is open to counselling. Shortly after our wedding we did a retreat on communication called retrouvaille which she could not grasp and became quite angry and then left.

They live in a different world than us, their reality in certain circumstances is overtaken by the strong emotions within themselves.

I am at a point where I would like to learn more about what makes a BPD tick. What is it that they see when they wake up in the morning and experience an ordinary day. How strong are the emotions that trigger the reactions that we have to live with. Walk a mile in her shoes.

I feel I have become so detached that what she does no longer bothers me as much.

I am starting to realize that I too must have some pretty severe issues to have ended up in such a relationship. There is a support group for people who are in relationships with BPD's that is being done by counsellors who specialize in BPD where I live that I am planning on joining in September to help me through the process.

Joe

[Henry II]

 I feel like that is a carbon copy of my M. I am so detached. I want out very badly but my W is non-functioning. She wants out too, just doesn't know where or how to go.