Son's BPD Girlfriend

[bpdmadre]

Hi, new here.

Our son is coming home today, maybe just for a few hours but hopefully longer.  He's a 100% financially dependent college student and has lived with his gf away at college for the last 1.5 years.  Before that they lived with a relative of hers here in town.  I don't think son realizes his gf has BPD but he works so very hard to keep her happy and even keeled, with little success. She is several years older than he and has manipulated her family into supporting her financially while she follows him around.  She managed to wedge herself between him and us early on, and he won't come home usually, without her -- but we won't allow her to stay at our house - established that boundary pretty early on when her bizarre behavior was scaring us and we didn't want her around our younger child.

Our son has achieved a lot academically and is going to study overseas next year, leaving this summer.  We insisted he come home to work out our buying his airline tickets.  She's going overseas with him.  She managed to persuade her benefactor relative to pay for her travel and living expenses in another country, for a year!

My primary concern right now, is whether or not I should let my son know that I believe his gf has BPD?  He's been very distant from us since she came into his life.  We were once a very close-knit, loving nuclear family and we all miss him so much.  Mostly though, I'm frightened for his well-being.  He has hinted that he is experiencing some mental stresses and physical ailments that I think are related.  A year ago, his nose was badly broken by her, in a very suspicious "accident." He used to come home with other suspicious injuries.  I've overheard her yelling, swearing and berating him -- years ago.  I believe she is violent with him.

What, if anything, should we as his parents, do to help him?  We've always tried to make it clear that we're here to catch him if he falls.  We would move heaven and earth to help him escape her clutches if that is what he decided he needed to do -- but we know we can't make that decision for him.  In the meantime, we try to give him as much love and support - emotionally and financially, as we would if he weren't in this difficult mess and we hope that he'll see the light someday. I'm just afraid that moving to a foreign country with a foreign language (that only he speaks, she doesn't) will be too much for the two of them and something horrible could happen and they'll be so far away for us to help.

Please tell me what can parents of a partner to a BPD person do?

[catnap]

  BPDmadre

I am glad that you found us. 

I can relate a bit to your dilemma as I too had a son involved with a BPD girlfriend.  It was when he started sharing some of her behaviors that I found bpdfamily.com and learned about BPD.  While he never had injuries, he did have multiple strange illnesses. . .rashes, stomach issues, muscle tics. . .all those gradually faded away after he left her.  All that said, I had to take it very slowly about talking to him about her.  Many times he would become defensive.  Above all else, I learned to take it slowly.  Let him know, as you have done, that the family was here for him. 

We have a wonderful resources here and a very supportive peer community. 

These resources were very helpful to me:

Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

Please keep reading and posting. . .it does help.

I also found a therapist who was knowledgeable about BPD to talk to as well.  Many of our members find it very beneficial to have a therapist to talk to.

catnap

[WalrusGumboot]

I understand how you feel it is your responsibility to warn your child. I have two boys, 27 and 22, and I gave them the obligatory parental warnings and lectures.  

But this is love that you are talking about. Should you choose to warn him about her in a lecture type fashion, he will want specifics and you will tell him. Eventually, he will tell his gf what you said. She will go ballistic and drive a deeper wedge between you and him.

Maybe you can bring it up in such a way that is not as threatening, such as just asking if things are OK between him and her. When he asks why, you can bring up how you heard her yelling and berating him one time and that came off as being a very disrespectful attitude towards him, and that you are concerned if she often treats him that way, because he doesn't deserve it. He might try to explain it away, but you might drop a seed in his brain and get him thinking... .

Just my 2 cents.

[bpdmadre]

Learning to navigate this site and use the lingo so sorry if it doesn't post properly. 

Thank you for your words and advice.  I'd like to share a bit more -- pre-BPDgf son was very logical, honest almost to a fault, and a cheerful guy.  Since, he has become deceptive, non-communicative or argumentative and extremely critical of our family/parenting/personalities.  He is rarely cooperative when we ask him for information regarding his school progress, paying his expenses etc.  When we inquire politely about his gf he always has lots of sympathy and excuses for her many maladies that require his constant attention and tending to her needs -- thus no time to spend with us.  They're both very intelligent and can out-argue us if we take the bait, but usually, since we're in the position of financial power, we keep our interactions short, to-the-point and make fair but firm decisions.

I read on this site about fleas -- I think he has them.   The way he interacts with us changed so drastically after getting involved with her, it often feels like we are talking to a total stranger.  So, I guess what I'm saying is that I don't feel like he would be very open to hearing any warnings about her.  He does not look to us for advice or information on anything.

[WalrusGumboot]

So, I guess what I'm saying is that I don't feel like he would be very open to hearing any warnings about her. 

I think you just answered your own question... .

I am reminded of my first therapist, who had a specialty in treating BPD cases. He helped me work through my indecisiveness on whether to stay with my BPDw or leave (I chose leave). He told me about his son, about the same age as yours, who got involved with a girl who was clearly BPD. He warned him, but the son chose to marry anyway. Five years later they were divorced. The point is that the kid didn't listen to his parent who knows BPD better more than nearly everybody else. Why would ours listen to us?

I do feel for you though. It sounds like his brain has been getting a good washing. Hopefully will will come around eventually.

[Suzn]

I'm just afraid that moving to a foreign country with a foreign language (that only he speaks, she doesn't) will be too much for the two of them and something horrible could happen and they'll be so far away for us to help.

Although I agree with assisting children in furthering their education, this is a very valid concern. Welcome BPDmadre, I'm sorry you're having to go through all of this, I'm very glad you found us. My question is why are you agreeing to buy this ticket? Have you looked into the domestic violence laws, if any, or the laws in general in the country he is to move to? It's doubtful he has, this may be something you can share with him. He may very well not listen though you can at least educate him on this subject. This could also assist you on making financial decisions for him going forward.

Welcome to our family    

[bpdmadre]

  My question is why are you agreeing to buy this ticket? Have you looked into the domestic violence laws, if any, or the laws in general in the country he is to move to? It's doubtful he has, this may be something you can share with him. He may very well not listen though you can at least educate him on this subject. This could also assist you on making financial decisions for him going forward.

Thanks Suzn for your input.  To answer your question, we agreed to buy his ticket because we 100% support his academic and future professional goals.  Studying abroad for a year will be a great experience for his chosen career path and we think that it could be an amazing experience for him.  As long as he's making progress in his personal goals, we'll support him.  We know that we can't choose who he associates with or who he'll love, and we don't want to use our financial support in an attempt to interfere with his relationships with other people.  We're just unsure how best to support him so that he can stay safe and maybe, eventually, figure out that his gf is very sick and probably won't get better unless she admits it and seeks therapy.

[Rus9796]

But this is love that you are talking about. Should you choose to warn him about her in a lecture type fashion, he will want specifics and you will tell him. Eventually, he will tell his gf what you said. She will go ballistic and drive a deeper wedge between you and him.

Maybe you can bring it up in such a way that is not as threatening, such as just asking if things are OK between him and her. When he asks why, you can bring up how you heard her yelling and berating him one time and that came off as being a very disrespectful attitude towards him, and that you are concerned if she often treats him that way, because he doesn't deserve it. He might try to explain it away, but you might drop a seed in his brain and get him thinking... .

oh WalrusGumboot, wish I had read something like this at least a year back   I did the warning lecture type   He wanted specifics, I game him them, then he told her, drove a deeper wedge between him and I   As a mum, you just want to protect them as you can see the danger signs so vividly but ... . they cant.  I've asked him before if he is ok, and he says he is.  But they are such a roller coaster.  Really great one moment and then she becomes totally volatile the next.  Such a difficult place to be in

[Clearmind]

BPDmadre, sometimes label scare people - are you able to openly talk about behaviours? If you are 100% responsible for him financially possibly flag that laws are different abroad and its important he understands them if he plans to live in a country for a year.

Its likely he is also protecting his abuser (his GF) - its common. He may not listen to you - GF may have him isolated to the extent that he would protect her over anyone. I do realize this is not what you want to hear - have you ever raised your suspicions re: domestic violence with the authorities - just lodging it as a record? Have you documented it yourself? Are there witnesses to the injuries and have they documented it?

[bpdmadre]

Hello, I'm back.  It's been nearly 10 months since I first posted and a lot has transpired.  Son and gf went overseas at end of July 2013.  We were able to visit briefly in September and there were signs of trouble.  By November, son had to call authorities and his gf was hospitalized for a few days.  When she was released, she needed too much care for him to be able to concentrate on his studies so he made the difficult decision to abandon his studies and bring her home to the states. 

They arrived home shortly before Christmas. He came to live with us and she went to live with her family. He was an emotional wreck and agreed to see a therapist of his own. They continued their relationship for another 6 weeks or so and then she broke up with him. He left the option of getting back together open and she eventually asked him back. Things were rocky and she was refusing to get help so he ended it for good in March.  Things were quiet for a bit. Then she started texting him a bunch. He asked her to stop. Then the night before last she started contacting him in earnest. He'd been trying to avoid contact with her but wasn't ready to block her phone from his.  Yesterday she threatened suicide when he refused to meet face-to-face with her.  He was able to rouse her mother to attend to her and her mother said she'd take care of it.

Then, last night she texted him threatening suicide again.  Her mother wouldn't answer son's calls so he called ex girlfriend and calmed her down.  If he'd known where she was living he'd have called 911, but he doesn't know.

He's been depressed and this whole ordeal has been so difficult for him. He doesn't love her anymore and he wants to be free of her, but he worries that she has nobody else who can look out for her.  He's not convinced she's BPD and I don't push the point as he doesn't open up to us very much.

Advice and commiseration is appreciated.

[Cassy]

She's ruining his life and he's quite possibly in danger. He can call 911 with her cell number, they should be able to trace it. He really needs to understand he's not helping her at all, that mentally ill people are on the news every day because friends and family thought they could treat them better than doctors. They can't. He wouldn't attempt to remove her appendix if it burst, so he shouldn't assume a mental illness is any less dangerous. Maybe you can reason with his intellect. Man, I really feel for you and this situation. He gave up studying abroad because of her drama.

[WalrusGumboot]

BPDmadre,

Him not opening up to you much means he wants to handle it. It sounds like you have been very proactive in warning him, but there is only so much advice a young man wants from "mom". He agreed to see a T, so hopefully his T will suggest things he might listen to.

I understand how hard it must be to see your S go through this. He really feels her life is in his hands now, and what a tremendous burden a young man has to bear.

WG

[P.F.Change]

Hi, BPDmadre,

I'm sorry to hear things are still difficult between your son and his ex-girlfriend. It can be very stressful and worrisome when a loved one has suicidal thoughts and behaviors. It sounds like your son feels responsible for looking after her. She does need help, but he isn't really qualified to care for her in the way she needs--she needs professionals.

The first course of action we recommend here is to talk with a local suicide prevention hotline. This tool can help: Emergency - Local Live Support Centers, or our Staff can also help find a local number. Hotline volunteers will understand the resources in the area and be able to help with making a safety plan. It is important to take all suicide threats seriously, and it is also important not to take on more than one is trained for. I think it would help your son to plan in advance what he will do in the future if she contacts him with suicidal ideation.

We also have this workshop that might have something helpful for you: TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

Does your son have a therapist to talk with about what he is going through?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[bpdmadre]

Hi, The ex-gf did not threaten suicide again. We found out yesterday that she killed herself. Her grandmother found her in her own apartment which her family had just moved her into last week. Her mother is out of the country - decided this was a good time to take a vacation I guess.

I told my son and he is devastated. He has an appointment with his counselor today.  I'm going to find a counselor to guide me in helping and supporting him.  I don't know what will happen in regards to memorial services.  I guess her mother needs to come home first. Are there any resources for survivors of BPD suicides?

[WalrusGumboot]

This is such tragic news   I really feel for your son. The guilt he must shoulder has to be tremendous.

I am speechless. I am so sorry.

[P.F.Change]

I'm so sorry to hear she completed suicide.  :'( That is very sad for everyone.

It is good that your son will be able to talk to a counselor and that he has you for support as well. This is not his fault. About 10% of people with BPD complete suicide. Many more will attempt it. Their loved ones may want to help and feel guilty when they weren't able to do enough to save them. The truth is, suicidal ideation needs professional treatment, and we can't stop it on our own.

I know there are many support groups available for survivors of suicide. I am not sure if there are any specifically for those who are surviving someone who had BPD. Your son's counselor may be able to recommend a local support group for him, or we would be happy to put him in touch with a hotline that may be able to help as well.

You and your son are in our thoughts, BPDmadre. I'm so sorry to hear about this loss.

PF

[Deb]

BPDmadre,

I just want to let you know that your son did not cause this, and nothing he could have done would have stopped her. People bent on suicide will do what they will do. Yes, I am sure he feels responsible. But it was her BPD that killed her. I have a friend, who in a fight with his wife, said "Fine! Than go ahead and kill yourself." And she did. He suffered the guilt for many years untl he came to understand that he did not cause her to kill herself. I also want to tell you what I was told when a family member died suddently. I was told not to dwell on the "woulda coulda shouldas". You know as in "If I had know I woulda... . coulda... . shoulda done X,Y,Z". You can't go back and change the past. And even if you did do those things, there are no guarantees the outcome would have been different. This poor young woman was very ill and in emotional turmoil.