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Think About It...The basic premise of cognitive therapy is that the way we think about events in our lives (cognition) determines how we feel about them (emotions). ~ Jeffrey E. Young PH.D, Reinventing Your Life
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Author Topic: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left  (Read 1300 times)
Rusalka

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« Reply #20 on: July 06, 2013, 10:05:36 AM »

having a bit of a bad day today and any advise would be welcome.  feeling really upset by the N/C today my friend suggested a send a short message to him...  do you think that would help the situation or just make things worse.  I know the answer is probably on here somewhere but havent got the energy today to sift all through it.  Think knowing that Ill be flying back soon is making it worse as Ill be entering our empty apartment.  I feel sick with worrying about him and just want this to be over already   cry cry cry

I can only speak from my experience (with trying to go LC/NC with my BPDmom) and from readings lots and lots of messages on here. If you send him a message, prepare to have your feelings stomped on as he will most likely use it as a chance to completely blame you and shame you into your actions and tell you his leaving was all your fault. I have seen it again, and again, and AGAIN on this board and everytime people say they feel like they are back at square one with their emotions.

Do what is best for you. It really does not seem as though people get closure at all from their exBPDs until they find peace within themselves.

edit: just as an addon, your friend's advice would make sense if you were dealing with a normal, rational person, which you are not and you said it yourself that your friends don't understand BPD. So your friend's advice is not bad, just understand that the person you would send it to will not react in a way you would expect from even a normal ex.
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arabella
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« Reply #21 on: July 06, 2013, 11:39:56 PM »

The advice for that sort of thing really depends on where your mind is at. If you send a message you have to be prepared, and be okay with, receiving a nasty answer (or no answer at all). If it makes YOU feel better to send it - then do it. This stuff is HARD and you should do what you need in order to maintain your own health. The important thing to remember is that you need to let go of the outcome - he's obviously dysregulated so, if a bad response is going to make things worse for YOU then just don't send a message at all.

Aside from the above warning...  Quite a few people here have found it helpful to send little 'pings' to their LC pwBPD. It just lets them know we're still around, still care, etc. Again, no expectation as to response, but leaving that communication door open for the pwBPD can be good.
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Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair, And that you would never leave;
But you gave away the things you loved, And one of them was me
blackorchid

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« Reply #22 on: July 07, 2013, 04:33:13 AM »

thanks guys sent a message but have heard nothing back...  
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arabella
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« Reply #23 on: July 07, 2013, 10:43:32 AM »

keep us posted! Hoping you hear back (with a positive message) soon! smiley
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Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair, And that you would never leave;
But you gave away the things you loved, And one of them was me
blackorchid

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« Reply #24 on: July 07, 2013, 04:58:50 PM »

thank you.  it real;y does help doesnt it knowing that people on here care.  Still havent heard anything from him.  heard through a friend though that his talks with his old boss went well on tuesday and that he has resigned to the old team.  Dont know how i feel about that though...  guess it means when i fly back he has no reason to come to the city. He will be about 35 min drive away in the other town.
hope things are going much better with you
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arabella
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« Reply #25 on: July 07, 2013, 10:10:21 PM »

That's what we're here for - to support each other! Empathy And thank goodness for that, I think I'd have lost every last marble by now if it wasn't for the lovely people I found here.

Job changes you say? Hmm...  Was this something he was worrying about before he flipped into a rage? Just curious because I know that my H is very triggered by any sort of job instability. I'm wondering if having things settled at work might help him to recalibrate and calm down - what do you think?

How do you feel about his new job situation? You said it was in another town, but also that he was there before - was this how things were for you two previously?

Things over here are, I hesitate to say, possibly a little more positive (I'm always looking for that second shoe that is perpetually hovering over my head). It was a pretty good weekend though, so I'm grateful for that. The stuff I've learned on these boards helped immensely!
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Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair, And that you would never leave;
But you gave away the things you loved, And one of them was me
blackorchid

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« Reply #26 on: July 08, 2013, 04:41:15 AM »

 Welcome! Glad to hear that you had a nice weekend.

I think that all the uncertainty of everything definitely contributed towards it but not sure what to do moving forward.  He left his team in January which was in a completely different city (4 hours away)and we have lived together permanently  since then.  Previous to that from August we were seeing each other at the weekends. Which wasn't ideal.  This is his team from the previous year which is a lot closer.  I think that I realised last year that he cannot cope with the pressure of this type of things.  I kept saying that I'm pretty sure I'll be staying at my school but they took 2 months to tell me what pay rise I would receive.  He said that was unacceptable and he couldn't wait any longer which led him to saying his leaving. He wouldn't listen when I said I will know 2 days later when I have the meeting with the schools owners.  When I think about it I can see all the little signs building up.  But as I said I have had an awful 3 months and just couldn't think about the things I should be following. 

I think going through personal things its really hard being with someone like this.  I want him to be supporting me and not be being careful not to step on his toes.

I feel a bit rubbish finding out about it as this is what we have wanted for months.  If he plays there he is close to me. He can come home on his days offs. I can go to the matches on my days off and he can pop home in the week as its driveable.  Plus now Ive had the pay rise I wanted we can get the apartments we've been thinking off for months. But now I dont even know if that will happen. Technically we should be really happy now but instead we're not even communicating  huh rolleyes
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arabella
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« Reply #27 on: July 08, 2013, 04:54:40 PM »

Is it crazy that your post all makes sense to me? I think I may have spent too much time around pwBPD! lol

My H is exactly like this. He can not handle uncertainty. And if the uncertainty has been ongoing and a decision is now imminent? Panic. He dysregulates. I think it causes emotional overload. Then it takes a few weeks for him to come back down off the ledge he's built himself. In the meantime, I'm miserable and trying to figure out what I could have done differently. Answer? Nothing. It's not me, it's him.

For example, I've been unemployed for quite awhile now. Not my fault, and it was okay at first, but it put a strain on things. H, at the height of his dysregulation this spring, could speak of nothing else but how I needed a job and how I had put him in an awful position by not working. So I busted my tail and chased a particular job for months (kept applying to others as well). Finally, just a few weeks ago, it paid off and I got a job offer! Woohoo, right? No. He dysregulated. Now he's improved to just not caring about it. I start next week. We should be celebrating. We should be happy. But no. I reminded him this week that I needed the car for work next week. He forgot I was starting work. rolleyes

So, I hear ya. You can't win for trying. Good news is that it sounds like his dysregulation had a distinct cause and that is now resolved. It'll take time, but I am betting that once it sinks in and he realizes things are okay, he'll just slowly revert back to 'normal' and you'll be left wondering what the heck just happened. In the meantime...  it totally sucks.

Keep hanging on! Empathy
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Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair, And that you would never leave;
But you gave away the things you loved, And one of them was me
blackorchid

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« Reply #28 on: July 08, 2013, 05:33:35 PM »

At least between the 2 of us we understand each others situation.  Hate that we should both be celebrating but instead we are stressing and worrying and upset rolleyes

not sure if this was him tonight but hes brother messaged me on facebook asking if i was in england and if im just not coming back.  thing is ive spoke to him on the phone and he knows where i am so can help but wonder if it was my boyf and why hes doing that for  huh

i hope that your H comes round and that you sort things out.  Youre amazing for waiting for him for so long love
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arabella
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« Reply #29 on: July 08, 2013, 08:41:43 PM »

The facebook thing is indeed odd. It could very well be your bf. As much as we tell them we are coming back, the nature of the disorder is that they feel abandoned - and for them, feelings = facts. So you are gone right now and he is likely panicking that, because he fought with you, you're never coming back. You've left him. (All subconscious, of course.) That's my theory. Not that it matters, because no matter what's going on the reality is that you are going back and you have a job lined up there. Guessing that he's just seeking reassurance.

I hope my H comes round too! And thanks for thinking of me in the midst of your own crisis! love Now if only he'd realize how awesome I am...  lol
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Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair, And that you would never leave;
But you gave away the things you loved, And one of them was me
blackorchid

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« Reply #30 on: July 09, 2013, 01:36:37 AM »

i hope he realizes sooner than later...  

last night he actually did come on facebook...  asked if ive signed the contract  said have agreed will sign when im back.  he said if im coming back just for him dont come were over etc then told me to delete any photos of us together from my page.  just brilliant when im flying back today
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blackorchid

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« Reply #31 on: July 10, 2013, 05:36:45 AM »

ok so im back now...  not sure what the best thing to do now is...  do i tell him Ä°m back or not? if he finds out through other people will that make the situation worse?  feels pretty misreable being back in the appartment alone.
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arabella
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« Reply #32 on: July 10, 2013, 01:01:16 PM »

Good grief. What a giant doorknob he's being! Let me put it to you this way - if he was really over you and moved on, he wouldn't give a crap about contacting you to tell you to delete pictures. Ridiculous.

I'd send the briefest of messages (text or FB or whatever is usual between the two of you) to let him know you're back. Stick to the facts. All of that other stuff? Don't take the bait. Just the fact that you actually came back will be reassuring (if that's what he's looking for). Then sit back and see what you get (it might take awhile). Remember, you said yourself that it's taken him 3 weeks in the past - and it hasn't been nearly that long yet. Sorry that you're stuck playing the waiting game - it really bites. sad
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Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair, And that you would never leave;
But you gave away the things you loved, And one of them was me
blackorchid

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« Reply #33 on: July 10, 2013, 01:19:16 PM »

yep it really does.  I think its going to be a long couple of weeks made harder by being home and now being here...  

That makes sense about the pictures.  I think he is always looking for a reaction of one kind or another.  And I shouldnt take the bait as that will probably just escalate him further...  rolleyes

I facebooked him as that was where he last contacted me and just stated that Im back.  I just hope that was the right thing to do.  huh I guess Ive just got to find things to do to occupy me now which Im starting to think will be harder as this isnt my country and so have less people to count on to meet up and stuff...  
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arabella
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« Reply #34 on: July 10, 2013, 01:26:20 PM »

I think you've pretty much nailed it, blackorchid. Don't start second-guessing yourself, you'll drive yourself mad (I would know) and, fact is, nothing is the 'right thing' when it comes to dealing with a major episode of dysregulation! tongue You took the most reasonable course of action, so that's what counts.

So now to take care of you. Any new hobbies you always wanted to try? Seriously, I'd love a list of ideas because I'm running out of ways to distract myself here too. Everyone's away for summer holidays and I'm trying to pretend I'm having a good time...  
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Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair, And that you would never leave;
But you gave away the things you loved, And one of them was me
blackorchid

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« Reply #35 on: July 10, 2013, 01:43:31 PM »

Its the same here with summer holidays...    rolleyes

Hes replied almost straight away saying 'what am I supposed to do?' referring to me being back.  I said I just thought I should let you know.  He has replied that he doesnt care.  I havent responded...    huh

Hobbies hmmm I need to start running again or pilates havent done it for a few months...  used to enjoy painting could maybe try that...  seriously need to think along the hobbies line Ä°m at a blank...  
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allibaba
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« Reply #36 on: July 10, 2013, 02:35:00 PM »

So glad to be reading this stuff (sorry guys)...  makes me feel at home. 

lol Been over in the undecided forum and the legal forum looking for some answers since my husband blew an emotional gasket a few weeks ago...    just didn't fit.

but unconditional acceptance and patience feel right whereas me preparing for the battle of my life (what the few friends and family that know want me to do) feels wrong.

I think that I am going to go back to being peaceful and taking care of myself and my dogs and son for a few days...  and going to stop worrying about the future smiley  Thanks for putting me back in a peaceful place.
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blackorchid

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« Reply #37 on: July 10, 2013, 03:00:01 PM »

its always hard talking to friends and family .  mine always feel that Im making excuses and that BPD just doesnt exist. I hope things get better for you
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allibaba
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« Reply #38 on: July 10, 2013, 03:50:23 PM »

They don't get it.  They just believe that it is a standard stereotypical domestic abuse situation.  I can clearly see the mental illness in the behavior.
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blackorchid

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« Reply #39 on: July 10, 2013, 03:53:40 PM »

me too but unless you live with them its hard to see it rolleyes
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