Slippery slope with missing school

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My fiance's diagnosed-BPDxwife is so difficult to co-parent my 4yo SS with, as many of you are familiar with in your own situations.

This weekend is fiance's big 30th birthday. We are having a party, which is more like a family reunion than birthday. Ex-wife has known about it for 3/4 weeks and has not been willing to work out a modified exchange.  We have primary, she is allowed 3 weekends a month per MSA, takes 1-2. We live 4 hours apart, so exchanges must be well planned. It so happens that fiance's mom will be in ex-wife's city and is willing to pick up SS ex-wife's house and drive him all the way back to us, saving her gas $ (she's living off her dad because she can't keep a job for more than a few months) but it means her losing about 4 hours of time with him.

Ex-wife is throwing a fit. She's insisting that SS get to her a day early, but it means he misses school.  The argument is that "it's just preschool", which I understand. Attendence isn't mandatory, but I feel if we let her do this now, she won't understand when the time comes that he can't miss kindergarten and on.

I also don't want SS to start thinking that school is optional - he picks up on our actions and attitudes towards things, and I feel it's setting a casual attitude towards school.

We usually bend over backwards to accomadate her - trying to be kind and make sure SS has a good realtionship with is mom. But this whole missing school thing feels so incredibly wrong to me! As bad as I would feel to not have SS there for the party, I think I'd rather that he miss the party than school.

If you were in this situation what would you do?

[A Step-Mom]

My fiance's diagnosed-BPDxwife is so difficult to co-parent my 4yo SS with, as many of you are familiar with in your own situations.

This weekend is fiance's big 30th birthday. We are having a party, which is more like a family reunion than birthday. Ex-wife has known about it for 3/4 weeks and has not been willing to work out a modified exchange.  We have primary, she is allowed 3 weekends a month per MSA, takes 1-2. We live 4 hours apart, so exchanges must be well planned. It so happens that fiance's mom will be in ex-wife's city and is willing to pick up SS ex-wife's house and drive him all the way back to us, saving her gas $ (she's living off her dad because she can't keep a job for more than a few months) but it means her losing about 4 hours of time with him.

Ex-wife is throwing a fit. She's insisting that SS get to her a day early, but it means he misses school.  The argument is that "it's just preschool", which I understand. Attendence isn't mandatory, but I feel if we let her do this now, she won't understand when the time comes that he can't miss kindergarten and on.

I also don't want SS to start thinking that school is optional - he picks up on our actions and attitudes towards things, and I feel it's setting a casual attitude towards school.

We usually bend over backwards to accomadate her - trying to be kind and make sure SS has a good realtionship with is mom. But this whole missing school thing feels so incredibly wrong to me! As bad as I would feel to not have SS there for the party, I think I'd rather that he miss the party than school.

If you were in this situation what would you do?

[DreamGirl]

She's insisting that SS get to her a day early, but it means he misses school.  The argument is that "it's just preschool", which I understand.

It is so, so difficult when the other parent has a different value system when it comes to these things.

Her value = parenting time with him is important, taking priority over school.

Your value = school is first priority, even if it affects parenting time

And you are right, it might always be a conflict.

Is it important enough to set that firm limit/boundary (school is #1 priority) in the right now? When he's 4?

If you were in this situation what would you do?

If it were me, I'd probably let her have him a day early. So that he could come to the party too.

My agreeing though probably has a lot to do with my not having the same value when it comes to school. I do think school is very important, but if the grades are good and the work can be made up, I'm really OK with them missing a day for something else.  

It is perfectly OK when we have different values - no right or wrong - it just calls for compromise a lot of the time.  

My husband would also prelude this kind of agreement as a "one time only deal" - as not to set the precedent (like you said). Something like "for this weekend, I agree that a day early is warranted since I will be picking him early on Sunday. Next weekend, the schedule can resume as normal."

[A Step-Mom]

And you are right, it might always be a conflict.

Is it important enough to set that firm limit/boundary (school is #1 priority) in the right now? When he's 4?

To me, yes. But I know that not every family operates like this... .school being absolute #1 above everything was drilled into my head as a child, and I feel that it is partially why I have been able to succeed this far in life. 

SS also thrives on routine, limits and fair rules. I fear that him missing a day of school to have more time with his mom will throw off that equilibrium even more so than regular weekends he sees her.

[DreamGirl]

To me, yes. But I know that not every family operates like this... .school being absolute #1 above everything was drilled into my head as a child, and I feel that it is partially why I have been able to succeed this far in life.  

My mom was a school teacher. I get this.  

So... .

You can't really change her belief system. You both will have to agree to disagree on this one. I'm also guessing that her feelings on this are fleeting.  It's probably OK for her to take him out of school for personal reasons, but not OK for you.

If you set the boundary (child won't miss school unless it's due to sickness) based on your value (school is #1 priority) - then you have to let go of the outcome. Even if that means she in turns says "no" to picking up the kiddo early.  

In thinking on this... .

It is one of the most difficult skills in these situations to stay grounded in admist the chaos of a person who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. I know how hard it is to try to stay focused on the needs of these kids when the other party simply does not have the skill set to see past her own needs.  

But if you take away all the emotional hoo-rah of what she brings to the table (like that she rarely taking her parenting time anyways, schedules time on a weekend that you already have plans and then in turns blames you and accuses you of alienation, etc) and look at it from a logic-based viewpoint - she has a point. Your solution to him going to Dad's birthday party is that she loses out on 4 hours of parenting time with her when she is court ordered a small amount of time as it is. Most non-custodial parents on these boards would want that time made up as well.  

For my stepkids' mama, she tends to be problem focused. My husband and I tend to be solution focused.

So can you come up with another solution - like an extra day during holiday break - that would be a win-win for everyone? A way to word it so it sounds like she's benefiting too?

~DreamGirl

[A Step-Mom]

So can you come up with another solution - like an extra day during holiday break - that would be a win-win for everyone? A way to word it so it sounds like she's benefiting too?

~DreamGirl

Making that missed time up plus more has been presented to her. Even swapping weekends has been put on the table. The only solution she wants to hear is taking him out of school to see her early, unfortunately.  I think it's because she knows it's the last option we really want to pursue, since we value his education so much.

There are many excuses on her part as to why missing school is the only option (now this is more of me venting! )

Every 3-4 months she gets a new job, and somehow only gets shifts on the weekends. She cannot find a way to let her manager know to not schedule her on her court appointed weekends, or swap shifts with a coworker. This is her last weekend with her son before Christmas because she cites that the others she has to work. Its just total BS that she's known her schedule until Christmas since nearly 4 weeks ago now, and there is no way for her to even add another weekend with her son.

[livednlearned]

It is one of the most difficult skills in these situations to stay grounded in admist the chaos of a person who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. I know how hard it is to try to stay focused on the needs of these kids when the other party simply does not have the skill set to see past her own needs.  

So true! My big aha moment came when I realized that how I deal with N/BPDx is what S12 is really paying attention to, not necessarily the values I'm trying to point him to. Learned that one from Bill Eddy's ":)on't Alienate the Kids."

"Your mom has agreed to let you come to a big special party with lots of family. In return, you will spend some time on Friday with her, and that means missing some preschool. When you're at the big school in kindergarten, that's not something that can happen, but for now we think it's ok. This way, you get to come to the big special party, and everyone is excited about that."

Eddy calls is moderate behavior, managed emotions, and flexible thinking. You can teach that to your little guy by modeling it for him, showing him that you are being flexible with your thinking, and telling him exactly what the boundaries are -- it's ok to do this now, but not a good idea later when you're in big school.

And you can unhook from BPD mom, which is a win for you 

[ForeverDad]

What are the usual transportation arrangements?  If she gets her child a day early, can she be told it can be done as an exception but she'll have to come get him?

Whatever happens, try to get it in some form or written agreement.  I doubt you'd actually take her to court over one incident, but documentation is vital if you're to lump a few incidents together.

[A Step-Mom]

What are the usual transportation arrangements?  If she gets her child a day early, can she be told it can be done as an exception but she'll have to come get him?

It's at least 4 hours one way.  So it wouldn't be reasonable to have her drive to pick him up.  Usually it's meet half way and both parent drives a full 4 hours.

So now it's Friday, and everything is said and done. Gma lives near us and was heading to the same city exwife lives in, so kiddo got a free ride with Gma and will get another one when she comes back for the party.

And everything is documented. It has served us well!