2 major frustrations

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have a bunch of mixed emotions that I need to share with you folks.

First of all, my BPDw is happy that she is pursuing her dream of changing her careers, and that's great for her! She requires and needs loads of time to devote to her studies along with attending school along with working. Thus, she and I talk maybe a total of 10 minutes each day, and that is no exaggeration whatsoever! We do not go out with one another, because she is too busy. She says she will have more free time after she completes 4 years of this program. Yet, there probably will be another excuse then for not being close. So, when she is not close to me, she is happy. In many respects, I feel used. So, this is very upsetting, and I feel a real void personally. Professionally, I have been having a lot of fun, and I would give up a lot of what I am doing in order to have a close relationship again with my BPDw. But, as you all know, there's more to life than just having a professionally fulfilling life. We all need to have that one person with whom we can have a personal life. By the way, this is a total turnaround from our relationship from some 7 years ago. I have been very loving and very helpful all along, and I have not harmed her or aggravated her whatsoever! The only thing I have ever expressed to her is my love, and I say and I show it in so many different ways. So, that's my first frustration!

My second frustration is with a high school student who completely conned his parents, me, and my students, by being absent supposedly to take care of his sister who was in the hospital and at home due to a severe car accident. Well, that accident did happen, but it was a year ago and not recently as he claimed. Thus, I was going to give him extra time for his missed assignments, but under the circumstances, he has a week to complete everything and take his final exam. His parents, he, and I are getting together in a couple of days, and he has a lot of explaining to do, to say the least! And he will need to apologize to me, for sure!

So, I guess the 2 above stories are related in the sense that both my BPDw and this student have not turned out who they appeared to be. They are both major disappointments.

Thanks for letting me vent!

[Samuel S.]

I have a bunch of mixed emotions that I need to share with you folks.

First of all, my BPDw is happy that she is pursuing her dream of changing her careers, and that's great for her! She requires and needs loads of time to devote to her studies along with attending school along with working. Thus, she and I talk maybe a total of 10 minutes each day, and that is no exaggeration whatsoever! We do not go out with one another, because she is too busy. She says she will have more free time after she completes 4 years of this program. Yet, there probably will be another excuse then for not being close. So, when she is not close to me, she is happy. In many respects, I feel used. So, this is very upsetting, and I feel a real void personally. Professionally, I have been having a lot of fun, and I would give up a lot of what I am doing in order to have a close relationship again with my BPDw. But, as you all know, there's more to life than just having a professionally fulfilling life. We all need to have that one person with whom we can have a personal life. By the way, this is a total turnaround from our relationship from some 7 years ago. I have been very loving and very helpful all along, and I have not harmed her or aggravated her whatsoever! The only thing I have ever expressed to her is my love, and I say and I show it in so many different ways. So, that's my first frustration!

My second frustration is with a high school student who completely conned his parents, me, and my students, by being absent supposedly to take care of his sister who was in the hospital and at home due to a severe car accident. Well, that accident did happen, but it was a year ago and not recently as he claimed. Thus, I was going to give him extra time for his missed assignments, but under the circumstances, he has a week to complete everything and take his final exam. His parents, he, and I are getting together in a couple of days, and he has a lot of explaining to do, to say the least! And he will need to apologize to me, for sure!

So, I guess the 2 above stories are related in the sense that both my BPDw and this student have not turned out who they appeared to be. They are both major disappointments.

Thanks for letting me vent!

[Surnia]

Hi Samuel

Interesting!

I am very familiar with the second example. I am working as a teacher too. It sucks. I can relate very much with your frustration about being conned.

I think through all the time I spent with my ex and here on board, my approach to this typical teacher situation has a bit changed. Yes, I give credit. Some people cannot deal with it, than I have to change my attitude too. I am not anymore the nice Mrs. Surnia, I want be documented with doctor appointments or things like that. I cannot force them to be honest. I do not force myself to stay nice and credent.

About apologizing: I have heard so many apologizes. Sigh!. They are so easily said. What counts for me: Actions. Action speaks louder than words. Show me that you can do differently - this is for me much more interesting.

About your marriage: I told you once before, I had the impression you are more married and your wife has changed it more to a roommate situation. So like in the teachers example your expectations are not meet anymore. You cannot expect that other people are doing like you would expect it. What you can do is, asking yourself if you want this.

My 2 cents.   

[Clearmind]

Your needs are not being met - would you agree?

There does need to be a balance - have you tried to talk to your wife about how you feel? - maybe organise one night a week where you both go to dinner/date night.

"Wife, I understand you are busy with school. I support you 100% and admire your dedication. So we can balance both our marriage and school I would like to propose that we have a date night one night a week - somewhere nice. What do you think?"

[Samuel S.]

Clearmind, yes, you're right. My needs are not being met, and it has been for a long time. That is why I have focused on outside activities of helping by teaching, tutoring, writing books, and giving workshops. I would give at half of these things up, if I could have an actual marriage with my wife. It does not mean to devote every single minute to one another, but it does mean to be able to restore what we had, which was an ongoing, feel good relationship. It was not an expectation. It was a given. It was there beforehand, and now, it is simply not there. Your idea about asking her for a weekly date for dinner is a valid idea; however, I have asked her, and she continuously says that she doesn't have time due to her working, her attending school, and needing to study virtually the rest of the time. If I suggest this too often, she goes on this "poor me" routine, that she never had an opportunity to do something that she wanted to do. When I say to her that she has gone from one extreme (being fully involved in a relationship with me) to being almost like you say a roommate situation, she fully agrees. She says things will change in 4 years when she completes her education. I simply don't trust that possibility, because she will make up other excuses in order not to be in a relationship.

Surnia, yes, actions do speak louder than words when it comes to all of us. That conning student has a lot to learn about being more responsible. Yes, apologies are just words, and I hope he has learned his lesson. I am meeting with him and his parents today. So, that should be very interesting! Indeed, I cannot expect that people will be like I am, because we are all different. At the same time, I just respect people. There is no expectation that respect comes back to me. I just respect people. I am there to help. If they show their dark, deceiving side, that is another matter, and there are consequences, period. As for my BPDw, I have respected, loved, and supported her. Now, I am beginning to have my doubts, because like she admits, she has fully immersed herself into herself. Bottom line, I am in limbo as to what to do. Indeed, like you say, I am married, and she considers herself and me as roommates.

[Clearmind]

4 years is a long time to wait for some quality time - Sam you are undecided - are you feeling "estranged" or disconnected from your wife? It must be very difficult to work on a relationship, when one is not contributing…what would you like to do?

[Samuel S.]

Yes, I most definitely very estranged or disconnected from my BPDw due to her own doings. Even before her latest venture into education, she was focusing on a lot of different activities along with her work. So, it is either these different activities or her studying. 4 years from now, I can assure you she is going to make up another excuse to get her new career going. Thus, her marriage or lack thereof is definitely her last priority while avoiding the reason why we are legally married - the expression of love and bonding, both of which is extremely limited and for a long time, because she has changed from being selfless to extremely selfish. Indeed, it is very difficult to work on a relationship when one is refusing to contribute. As for what I want to do, I honestly don't know. All I know is that I extremely frustrated.

By the way, with the incident of that student who conned me, I shared with her that the student was not understanding the information and thus decided not to attend. He did apologize, and I said to him that he needs to change his study habits and to ask questions. When I related this to my BPDw, she said I should drop him, like she should be the authority of what I do. Isn't that ironic? She wants me to do what she wants while she refuses to accept that we have a relationship.

Bottom line, along with being frustrated, I really am angry, and I don't want to be near her. She's the type of person that if I do this, she will try to make ammends of some kind. However, like the student, I have been conned, and I hate myself for thinking that she was my ideal mate. She is quite the contrary!

[Clearmind]

I'm not surprised at her B&W thinking with regard to the student and how you should handle it - because being BPD she probably would drop him rather than work with him and communicate boundaries.

She views things very differently to you and any advice or suggestions she gives would be a direct reflection of what she would do herself rather than look at the situation as an isolated case. Nature of BPD!

Sam I can so understand your anger - you deserve to be angry - no doubt you entered into this marriage for a different outcome than what has transpired. For me, I found it very difficult to give anything, sex included, because I got very little.

PLease don't hate yourself. We all grow, whether we are inside a relationship or not - that is a wonderful thing. We don't always know who we marry - honestly, life stresses and triggers can surface well into a relationship. Accept you did not fully know your wife - none of us really do any relationship - BPD or not! However, granted, if a partner is mentally stable we can work with each other to make things better. With a Borderline this is very very difficult and yes frustrating.

I sense you don't want things to go on status quo. There are deal breakers and there are compromises. Maybe have a think about the deal breakers and the things you can accept.

If you look over to the right there 5 steps to Choosing a Path ---> you have extracted yourself somewhat, out of necessity to develop your own interests and hobbies. Often when we start to venture into satisfying our own needs the gap between them and us comes very apparent. This is not because you are spending less time together - all healthy relationships require alone time - its because the way we are use to relating - enmeshed/in each other pockets is no longer the "thing" that holds the relationship together. The differences become apparent.

These differences are not just BPD related they can be other things too…when we give ourselves space we recognise other relationship limitations - issues around communication, understanding of basic needs, intimacy, money, children, support, morals, ethics etc etc…all the things that bind a relationship.

Next Step - #3 is looking in the mirror - this is not about blaming yourself for the state of the relationship but taking care of our wounds and stop concentrating on the Borderline…take care of you and what you want in life independent of her.

Once you can look in the mirror you can begin to accept the reality of who your wife is and whether this new found confident self is able to accept the relationship as it is…thinking "if she didn't change what do I want for me?".

These steps take time…your anger is part of the grieving cycle of living with someone with BPD. You have lost something you thought you had - I guess the reality is that wasn't there to begin with - we believed it was, hoped it was, ignored that it wasn't….this could be for many reasons. For me, it was because I needed my partner to love me - I placed a lot of self worth and value on fixing him, changing him.

Even if I could have changed him, I ended up making the realisation that he was not the person for me. We were very different despite BPD. My needs and his needs simply did not add up. Having children was a big one and the final deal breaker.

Sam, right now can I suggest you continue to provide yourself with some head space to explore you and what you want and need in life.

Happy New Year to you

[Samuel S.]

Clearmind, thank you for having a clear mind about BPD. All that you say makes very good sense. Indeed, I have been thinking about my needs and wants all the time, and that is extremely hard for me to do, because I am a giver. I always have been, and it has helped me out tremendously while I was a full-time teacher for 32 years and even now with my part-time teaching, tutoring, workshops, and book writing. Now is the time for me, which feels very strange even to type, but it is needed. You, my friends, my relatives, and all of us non BPDs need to do that. Yet, that becomes very secondary almost daily. For example, my BPDw is super involved in her studies and gets stressed out, saying that she has to do this, and she has to do that. Thus, she has no free time to rest, to quote her exactly. While I just listen and validate like if I were a counselor, she is the one who wishes to make this change in careers. She is the one who wishes to create chaos. I am in all favor of improving oneself; however, she has exclusively focused so much on this change, that there's nothing about us left, except for me to continue listening and validating. She does ask about me as to what I've been doing, but it is pretty well evident that it is with the understanding that I just tell her the facts. I don't express my joy of what I am doing, because she can't hear. She's incapable of hearing. She's too focused on herself.

As for not hating myself, that's hard not for me to do. I am a gullible, caring, sincere guy. My family and friends know that. Again, I am a giver and not a taker. When my BPDw came into my life, she was so sweet and so loving, and it continued for a long time. Then, she started changing, only to the point that she showed the evil in herself with me and with others. For me to be fooled so very much so, it is like hurting myself now with overeating and feeling depressed, although I bring joy to others. Yeah, I am angry, and I am going through the grieving stage. I frankly don't know how to stop blaming myself for becoming the fool.

She and her daughter are going away for several days together which is good for them, and I have no idea what I am going to do, but I want to do something. I need to do something. I guess that leaves more possibilities open for me.

[Clearmind]

Yes we all gain our sense of value in different ways - sometimes its healthy and sometimes not. Your wife no doubt had a very invalidating childhood – maybe her academic prowess was questioned, maybe her intelligence was put into question and she was put down a lot – her academic studies is something very meaningful to her – she has something to prove. This is OK however given she is BPD she has no means of balancing her needs with yours. A healthy relationship entails balance and she is simply not capable. You are right she cannot hear you because she doesn’t want to – her shame will not allow it. The moment she doesn’t focus on herself she looses all sense of reality and sense of self – it scares her.

You and I also place value on fixing – no doubt – and when we get no where with our partners we fall apart – caring and being sincere are lovely traits Sam that any women would fall over.  

Foolish? Not in the slightest. Us givers are also neck deep in self shame – whether this was developed from a young age or not (certainly was for me – I was shamed as a child from my own parent) we berate ourselves for not trying hard enough, not being good enough – we need to learn that we are good enough just as we are.

Do you need to do something while they are away? Maybe/maybe not! Grass is never greener so go easy on yourself and if you want to sit around in your underwear with a beer and watch the Football then do it!  :)The days are yours and they don’t have to be “filled” with anything in particular. Let your inner critic go.

[dontknow2]

Samuel S.,

"another excuse for not being close" really struck a nerve with me. My dBPDxh always kept some buffer between him and I; hobbies, addictions, dogs, other women, and his mother were more important than our relationship at different times. Shoot, I even felt like criticizing me was a buffer too. As a very literal example, he still gets upset to this day that I asked for his dog not to sleep between us.

It dawned on me recently this is how his mother treats him. Her 4th husband wants nothing to do with my ex. To keep the peace, she hides her relationship with my ex (her son) to the point where if they meet for lunch, she will lie on the phone to her husband about what she is doing. In other words, she has always made it clear to her son that he is second too... .something else is always more important than her relationship with him. She got her degrees, ran marathons, climbed the career ladder, got rich and let her mean husbands raise him while he was growing up. Therefore, this is all my ex knows. Unfortunately for him to get beyond this, he would have to face the fact that his mother is doing this to him; the only person in his mind that has "always been there for him and loves him for who he is". So after almost 20 years, I had to come to the reality that therapy is probably the only solution to this and other problems. Yet even though I am in therapy to address my issues, he doesn't see the need nor want to get therapy for himself. Alas, we are separated again and seriously doubt any chance of reconciliation.

It can hurt so much to have the person you love the most not want to fully connect and/or keep the relationship (and you) less important. I hope this example gives a little insight while figuring out what is best for you. Stay strong. 

[Samuel S.]

Dontknow2, thank you for posting and sharing how your ex and his family have been. I don't know about you, but there is a certain lure that BPDs seem to have. It is almost like they are the light, and we are the flies, thus being attracted to the light. Yet, we get burned when they shine too brightly and when we get too close.

Your last comment about staying strong really struck a nerve with me. It is extremely hard to be strong. You see, I have been a firm believer of when there is life, there is hope. She is alive, and I am hopeful. Yet, I am becoming disillusioned. While Clearmind has told me not to be angry at myself because all relationships change, my BPDw has distanced herself, now that she has gone to other ventures.

We have a plaque over our fireplace that accentuates the importance of family which she chose a long time ago. It is pretty well obvious I might as well take it down, because it is meaningless to her.

I just wish I could get a real hug from the woman whom I married and whom I am still married to.  :'(