If you could start over, would you still marry your BPD?

[Depression = 72% of members]

If you could turn back time, knowing what you know now, would you still marry them? 

[Mazda]

If you could turn back time, knowing what you know now, would you still marry them? 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SweetCharlotte]

Yes, definitely. It will be four years soon.

[goldylamont]

i didn't actually marry my xBPD, however i'm truly interested in hearing of the experiences of others here for a friend of mine. i have one friend who is still struggling in a r/s with someone diagnosed with BPD and i want him to hear different perspectives from people who have chosen pwBPD as life partners. so, thanks for asking this question and apologies i have no input, but i would love to hear the responses.

[misneach]

I have been asked this very same question many many times in the time we have been together (1 year together, 6 months married). No matter how difficult the road has gotten and it hasn't been pleasant for the most part, I'd do it all again. I do not regret this marriage; he is the only one for me and I love him more than I ever thought possible. Just remember... . when the going get's tough... . the tough get going.

[waverider]

Not married but in a committed relationship. If I knew how it was going to evolve would i willingly enter it again? No. But hindsight is a wonderful thing. Things are rosier now but myself and my kids have been through the horrors before I got a handle on it. I would not choose that journey again.

[zaqsert]

Based on what I have been through and what our D3 still goes through, I would also say no.

But on the other hand, if it were not for my uBPDw and all that I've now been through, I likely would not have grown and worked on myself to the point where I can now, in hindsight, say that I would not do it again.  Although it was not her intention, I owe her a thanks (of sorts) for doing her part to set up the perfect storm that finally shook me into figuring out that it is my right and in my control to become who I want to be.  I hope that's some of my old codependency melting away.

And I am still staying, so I still have some hope left.

[waverider]

But on the other hand, if it were not for my uBPDw and all that I've now been through, I likely would not have grown and worked on myself to the point where I can now, in hindsight, say that I would not do it again.  Although it was not her intention, I owe her a thanks (of sorts) for doing her part to set up the perfect storm that finally shook me into figuring out that it is my right and in my control to become who I want to be.  I hope that's some of my old codependency melting away.

This is a truth. Boys turn into men in the trenches out of necessity.

[SweetCharlotte]

So far, the gender split is perfect, with wives (2) saying they would marry their spouses with BPD again, and husbands (2 or 3) saying they would not.

[waverider]

So far, the gender split is perfect, with wives (2) saying they would marry their spouses with BPD again, and husbands (2 or 3) saying they would not.

Does that show which sex is more tolerant, or does it show which sex is the hardest pwBPD to deal with? 

[SweetCharlotte]

So far, the gender split is perfect, with wives (2) saying they would marry their spouses with BPD again, and husbands (2 or 3) saying they would not.

Does that show which sex is more tolerant, or does it show which sex is the hardest pwBPD to deal with? 

I strongly suspect my late mother had BPD, and if that's any basis, she was much harder to deal with than my uBPDh. She had two children (my brothers) by extramarital lovers, but held onto my dad for dear life. She threatened me with knives and other implements. There are crescent-shaped scars from her fingernails on my forearms. After all this, my uBPDh is a total teddy-bear.

But by all means, let's hear from more spouses of the Staying variety, whether they corroborate this initial finding or not.

[CodependentHusband]

It's an interesting question... . As was brilliantly stated by someone else in this thread, I have grown through this in way that I know would not have been possible otherwise. Ultimately though, I wonder what life would have been like if I wouldn't have married an alcoholic for marriage 1, and a pwBPD for marriage 2. I'm not 100% certain that I am a better person for learning to adapt to this situation. If I would have known before I fell in love with my wife, I'd have to say, no, I wouldn't do this again. The reality now though is that I love my wife very much, and I'm here to stay as long as I can. Things have gotten much easier on the whole, thanks in no small part to the tools and advice I've gotten from this very web site.

[Mazda]

Can you tell when you are being manipulated?  Or lied to? Has their behaviour ever caused you to be horrible to someone else?

[sadinsweden]

Really really hard to say. I'm not married but engaged. I moved to Sweden to be with my BPD. I will say, I'm angry at him. I feel he totally misrepresented himself to me (yes, I know this is not his fault). Even after 15 years of knowing each other, you really don't know someone until you live with them.

I don't think I will in fact marry him (Not really a problem because people stay engaged in Sweden forever ... . It's a cultural thing). While I think I'm getting a pretty good handle on the BPD, it's the alcohol that really grinds my gears.

Yes, I'm staying. I'm committed. I believe this has made me a better, wiser, more compassionate and stronger woman. But frankly, I'd wish this on no one and it certainly isn't the love story I imagined.

[guitarguy09]

This is a tough question. There are some days like this past Christmas where I absolutely know I married the right person regardless of what they have going on. Then there are days like yesterday that I get treated like total crap for something I would consider that should be left alone. My uBPDw has a habit of making mountains out of molehills, and has an attitude of revenge towards people she feels wronged by. It has been very taxing on me and my family which we are basically detached from at the moment. Overall I would have to say No just because I have strong doubts as to if she will actually get into therapy to help get coping skills, and I don't know if I have the intestinal fortitude or the will to get divorced, since we have an almost 2 year old son. Also I think if she continues down this road, she will be limiting his personal growth.

[Hope26]

This is a tough question, and no two of us have had the exact same experiences, so it is understandable there are such different responses.  However, mine would be a definite 'yes', because when he is good he is very, very good and demonstrates love that I feel is very genuine by doing things for me all the time.  I love him for the essential goodness of his nature.  Of course I hate the rages when they occur, and wish I could have had some kind of warning (don't we all!)  But that's why I'm on the 'staying' board.  So far the main tool I've mastered is to avoid the 'JADEing' and that has helped immensely.  Talking to all of you helps, more than I can say.  I had never heard of this illness, and I believe most people have not, so it's hard to find a sympathetic ear anywhere else.  Also, I very much agree with those who have said that learning to cope with this is emotional growth for us.  I do believe everything in life happens for a reason.  That's my 2 cents worth!

[sunshine40]

Good question:

After 22 years and 4 kids (whom I love)... . if I knew at 19 what my life would be like the answer is a resounding #e! no. (one for the women)

But I'm still here and plan to stay.

However, I do not wish my life on anyone.

[guitarguy09]

This is a tough question, and no two of us have had the exact same experiences, so it is understandable there are such different responses.  However, mine would be a definite 'yes', because when he is good he is very, very good and demonstrates love that I feel is very genuine by doing things for me all the time.  I love him for the essential goodness of his nature.  Of course I hate the rages when they occur, and wish I could have had some kind of warning (don't we all!)  But that's why I'm on the 'staying' board.  So far the main tool I've mastered is to avoid the 'JADEing' and that has helped immensely.  Talking to all of you helps, more than I can say.  I had never heard of this illness, and I believe most people have not, so it's hard to find a sympathetic ear anywhere else.  Also, I very much agree with those who have said that learning to cope with this is emotional growth for us.  I do believe everything in life happens for a reason.  That's my 2 cents worth!

I think you are a more positive person than I am, but I appreciate your viewpoint. It does make us stronger in being able to deal with more. But it just gets really tough sometimes. Especially when my uBPDw really doesn't get along with my family because of different personalities. We get along famously together and I thank God that we do, but we have good days and bad days probably like most here. I guess I never had an easy time meeting new people before I met her, but I can't say if I would find someone as compatible when we are getting along.

[FullMetal]

As much as it pains me to say... . No...

There were good times, but the bad times still weigh heavier.  knowing what I know now, I really don't think I would.  There were enough warning signs early on that I ignored, that I know now were warning signs.  the fact that she cheated on me within the first 3 months of our relationship.  the fact that she knew that was a deal breaker for me.  The fact that I STILL haven't received even an apology for those actions or even an acknowledgement, just repeated denials in the face of overwhelming evidence.  yeah.  I'd say no... . my life would be very different, and i'm not even sure how different it would be.   

But does that change anything today?  No.  I love her, She has gotten help, and either she got really good at hiding her cheating (besides emotional cheating)  or it's stopped/moved to emotional cheating)  we're working on that part now, but yeah... .   If I could save myself that heartache and the anger and the problems I'm now experiencing?  I most certainly would.   but to be fair if I could go back that far and retain what I know, I'd go back further .  and I'd probably never be put in the situation of knowing my dBPDw. 

[Single Malt]

Tough one for me.

Had we not met and later married, I would not have moved to the town I currently live in and would not have made wonderful friends here. 

But, if that was not a consideration, I would have to say NO.

[Wrongturn1]

Fascinating question and one that I ponder from time to time. 

Knowing what I know now, no, I do not think I would do it again.  The effects of the disorder are damaging and pervasive in my life and in the lives of our children (who I would never wish out of existence, for the record).  Being married to someone with BPD has strengthened me in many ways and taught me many lessons I would not have learned otherwise, and I am grateful for that.  And I'm committed to staying. 

It's a difficult existence though... . not the dream life that I could have without the disorder present.  I really think that my wife, minus the disorder, would be the perfect spouse.

[Mazda]

It's a difficult existence though... . not the dream life that I could have without the disorder present.  I really think that my wife, minus the disorder, would be the perfect spouse.

I find this point interesting as when I think about my ex and the more I learn about BPD the more I realise that he is nobody except a walking BPD vortex.  In hindsight, even the loving perfect man was part of a manipulation technique to use me.  I'm pretty sure my ex has severe BPD and comorbid NPD and so is very sick, but how do you separate the person from the disorder?

Apologies for the pessimism on the staying board but the opinions here are very different from on the leaving board and I'm still trying to understand what I went through.

[Seneca]

impossible to answer, because i certainly would not want to give back my beautiful kids. let's pretend they never existed, in that case, no. never ever ever would i have stayed. yes, i have experienced unbelievable personal growth, and i have experienced material benefits i couldn't have enjoyed on my own. but truthfully, i'd rather be living in the ghetto again, with my self esteem intact, than having all the material comforts of life together and be the emotional basket case I am now.

another "no" for the ladies. though i do agree with the above poster, it seems that females with BPD tend to have more torturous dsyregulations than the men. what some of the guys have gone through... . help me rhonda, i'd probably have killed myself.  :'(

[maxen]

you know, even during the marriage (we're divorcing) i asked myself this question: would i be happier with this marriage, unhappy as it sometimes was, or staying single? and i could answer firmly: with the marriage. but with the deceit with which she blew it up, with her viciousness and personality alteration afterwards, and with the fear of the divorce process in which i live now, i can't say anymore. i just can't say one way or the other.

I really think that my wife, minus the disorder, would be the perfect spouse.

there are many great things about my stbxw and i loved her and those great things. i don't know how well i can extricate 'her' from 'her BPD' though. e.g. she could be a live wire, and that turned me on, but was that a function of the disorder?

I'm not 100% certain that I am a better person for learning to adapt to this situation.

and whatever lessons i've learned, i could have learned in a different way.

[Wrongturn1]

Mazda:

Separating the person from the disorder is very difficult due to their identity issues.  I'd say that I get glimpses of the person separate from the disorder from time to time, although it's not always easy to differentiate.  I try to pay close attention my uBPDw’s patterns of behavior, and some of the patterns do not seem consistent with the disorder and suggest a person who is caring, empathetic, hard-working, and fun.  

[joshbjoshb]

Yes. A though one.

Seven years in.

Wonderful children.

Very lonely not to have a partner who I can connect with.

If it would have been only about a marriage, that would be a different story.

But I am a religious person so I believe somehow the one above designated it for me. Maybe to teach me and make me a man... . dunno.

[committed]

We're not married, but if I listened to my head, the answer would be no... . run away... . But, I'm one of those people who listens to my heart and in spite of the ups and downs, I do love him and enjoy being with him... . in between the rough times. 

[allibaba]

I'd marry my husband 1000x times over again... . not because I actually think that our relationship will work but rather because I have been cast in fire through the trials of the relationship and I am a far better person as a result of what I have been through

And between my uBPD mother and uBPD husband... . I'd take my mom because at least she isn't violent!

[amazingcharis]

Good question and people's responses have been very interesting to me.  After more than 7 years of marriage, 6 years in marriage counseling and therapy, 5 years of knowing of my uBPDh's condition, 4 years on and off this site, reading everything I can get my hands on about BPD, learning how I can improve things and putting everything I know of into practice albeit imperfectly, there has been very, very little change in our relationship.  Yes, I've learned and grown and am handling my emotions much, much better and am taking care of myself and validating my uBPDh.  I have compassion for him, I sometimes pity him, I want God's best for him, but I don't have a marriage.  I've envied those of you who have periods of time with your pwBPD where things are going fairly well for you but I haven't experienced those periods of time yet.  Like joshbjoshb, I, too, am hanging in there because I think God has a purpose in all of this for me and for my husband.  But had I known what I know now, I definitely would not have married my pwBPD.  As the years go on, I bounce back and forth between hope and hopelessness and I'm in a hopeless phase right now.  Hoping that will turn around soon.

[ColdEthyl]

Knowing what I know now, yes I would still marry my husband. He isn't just BPD. He's intelligent and thoughtful. A lifelong learner. He makes me laugh everyday, even on his bad days. I would even venture to say he has made me a better person by being stronger, thicker skinned, and teaching me tolerance and patience.

[SleepsOnSofa]

First off, let me say, I am planning on staying with my uBPDw, at least until our D6 is grown. It is and will continue to be hard. The fact that she actively resists going to a therapist (although she says she has no problem if *I* go) is very discouraging. I have very little hope that things will get better, only that I may learn to manage the situation better. I am quite sure that if I left, though, that eventually my wife's wrath would focus on my daughter, and I will not have that. If the only thing I accomplish by staying is shielding my daughter by soaking up my wife's rage episodes, then it's worth it. It's not fun, but it's worth it, for my daughter, whom I love more than anything or anyone on the planet.

That being said, if I had any inkling of how this was going to go, aside from a naive, white-knighty idea that I could love her enough to help her get over what I thought back then was just a little insecurity, I'd never have married her. BPD aside, she *is* a bright, beautiful, kind person - that's how everyone outside our families sees her anyway. But she can't or won't do anything about her emotional issues (I haven't discussed my BPD suspicions with her, although I have discussed with her that my mother's mother had problems that we are now pretty sure were undiagnosed BPD), and if she's not going to work on them, there's nothing I can do to help her.

The cost to my health, my sanity, my career, and my family has been far too great. When we married, my wife knew that I wanted and needed to move back to the southwestern city where I grew up; I was sick and tired of the east coast city where we live, and my family needed me out there to help look after very old grandparents. I would have had plenty of good career opportunities, as would she, but she flat out refused to move away from her family and her mother. Now, seven years down the road, my grandparents are gone, and my parents are now having to move - at the age of 71 - from the nice, inexpensive, warm city they've lived in for 30 years, to a cold, crowded, expensive city my dad doesn't even like to visit, just so they can be near their grandchild. We could live much better out there, in a larger home in a nicer neighborhood, and never have to shovel snow again, but my wife says she hates it there, and that her family is here - though now she is so mad at them (with justification, actually; they have their own anger management and immaturity issues) she barely speaks to them. Now I am afraid that just as my daughter turns 18 and I am free to get a divorce and move where I want to be, my parents will be here and too old to move (they'll be in their early 80s then), and I'll be stuck in this city that I hate, in a job that's stressing me out to the max, until I'm too old to move.

I think that at least part of the reason that men are more likely to say they never would have married their BPD wives has to do with children. The courts still favor mothers in deciding custody, and proving a mother is unfit or too unstable to have primary custody is tremendously difficult, especially when you're up against someone whose grasp of reality is so loose and manipulative. I'm not going to divorce my wife because I'm reasonably confident that the best possible outcome, after an ugly divorce and custody battle, would be 50/50 custody; in other words, the best I can hope to do in a custody fight is a tie. If a woman is divorcing a BPDh, it's probably not too difficult to convince a judge that the man has anger management issues, and poses a threat to the children's safety. That, coupled with the predisposition of the court to award custody primarily to the mother, means that she can probably minimize her children's exposure to their father's less appealing aspects. It would be much, much harder for me to prove to a judge that my wife's verbal aggressiveness, irrationality, insecurity, and hyper-sensitivity pose a serious threat to my daughter's healthy development, despite the fact that the threat is very, very real. Men are just in a very bad position in a divorce from a BPD, as well as in a bad position in a marriage with a BPD. Society and the courts tend to deal women all the good cards in the custody game, so it's hard not to recommend to newcomers that they walk away from the table while they still can.