Can't take one more thing

[misneach]

Normally I am able to handle his childishness. However for the last few days all I want to do is beat him with a bat... . cast iron skillet... . whatever is handy. I have reached the limit of what I can take nicely so I am doing the only thing I can. I am screaming inside and keeping my mouth firmly shut cause no good will come from what I would say.

The constant me me me I I I is so exhausting. We are on a very fixed budget and grocery money is especially tight. He's been furious for 2 days because I didn't buy him a bag of shrimp when I went to Walmart on Monday but I dared to get 2 bags of $1.00 chips for my daughter's V-Day party at school on Friday. I got him the country style ribs he asked for because luckily they were having a great sale that day so I figured well I can get at least one of the things he wanted but does he bother to acknowledge that? Pffffftttttt... . of course not. Sometimes the "nothing is ever good enough" really gets to me and apparently this is one of those times.

I am the only one working because of the weather. My check BARELY covers our monthly expenses. IF I get a full weeks hours in then I have a whole $15 - $20 left over each week... . maybe. He called me at work today and asked me to get him cigarettes. He started literally screaming at me over the phone because I told him I didn't have the money and asked him to go get them with his money (he has his last paycheck stashed in his drawer; hordes money like a miser). Told me I was a dumb b**ch for spending all our... . uh huh our... . money on bills and leaving us with nothing and if that was the way I was going to do things he was leaving. I hung up the phone on him. I'm sorry. I like things like heat and hot water and just plain water and electricity and a roof over our heads and for some reason the police really like it if you have car insurance when you get pulled over. So ya... . I think the bills are far more important than his cigarettes. Call me crazy!

I guess right now I am feeling a lot like a door mat on a very rainy day... . please feel free to wipe your boots. I can feel the rage building up inside my chest. He's home all day does NOTHING. Won't even take out the trash which is the ONLY job I ask him to do regularly. Once a week take the d**n trash outside and put the trash cans at the end of the driveway to be picked up. Is it really that much to ask when I do EVERYTHING else. Not only does he not do it but he yells at me when it doesn't get done. I'm not doing it I don't care how much trash builds up. When he was working from dawn to dusk I did it because he was on a roof all day. He isn't now so he can do it himself. On this one darn thing I refuse to give in.

I have to get out of here. Work isn't even an escape anymore cause he just calls me to yell and its usually about absolutely pointless crap. I am taking the kids and going to my parents this weekend. I just have to get away from him. Friday can't come fast enough. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[elemental]

What a stressful situation    You sound absolutely worn out on it. I certainly would be feeling a lot of resentment building up.  It's a really great idea to get out of there and spend time with your kids at your folks.

Your husband is a roofer?  Seasonal work, he seems to be going a bit stir crazy at you. Like a dog stuck indoors who can't stop barking.

Do you have to answer his calls while you are at work?

[misneach]

Zencat,

I do understand the reasons behind his behavior. Money is tight and he feels horrible he can't contribute until the snow stops and the temp gets back up out of the "danger zone" as they call it. He is a roofer but he works all year round. I know he's frustrated because he HATES to not be working. I know that's part of it and he hates that I am carrying our financial burden alone which makes him feel like a failure. I do recognize this but it doesn't make his behavior any less aggravating.

I answer his calls because I know most of the time he is just wanting some contact and as I am currently working as an accountant I don't often have interaction with people or heavy phone calls so to accept his calls is really not an interruption most times. And usually he is ok when he calls; sometimes he just wants to see how my day is going. I know he gets lonely all day by himself so to make him feel more assured I pick up the phone. Taking 5 minutes every now and then out of my day to hear him say I love you is rarely an imposition.

When it is is when he's on a rampage or if I don't answer in what he considers a reasonable amount of time he starts in on me. He can't seem to grasp that I may not answer the phone because I had to go talk to someone, ask a question, get more coffee, was called in to report to our director, or even just had to go to the bathroom. Only when he's in a mood is it a problem. This is a boundary I am working on or more of a consequence. He can call me if he's upset; he can even yell but I will not tolerate verbal abuse. Soon as he starts that; I hang up no exceptions. I am taking this one step at a time. No verbal abuse then we will work on the voice volume... . then appropriate number of calls a day and so on. Baby steps.

I pride myself on being logical over emotional. I do not panic; I calmly look for the solution that is always there somewhere. His panic is wearing me down because I am trying so hard to keep a cool head.

[misneach]

I don't know if anyone else has this issue but him being home all day now has caused anxiety in my dogs. I have an 18 month old Doberman and a 5 month old Pitt Bull. They are tearing their room apart; they ripped all the drywall off of a section of one wall and have started tearing up everything and anything they can find. Not to mention they follow me everywhere and especially my Doberman wants my constant attention. They are very well trained dogs and they've never been destructive before so I know his anxiety and constant mood swings are wearing on them  which in turn wears on me because they get annoying.

Another question. Could I please get some examples of how you have successfully safe guarded your finances without bruising the BPD ego? I feel the need to start doing this.

[misneach]

And he's STILL yelling about the shrimp... . ugh! But... . he did take the trash down. Complained about it non-stop but he did it. 

[Lilibeth]

Hang on, misneach... . This really sounds quite stressful. Hope you got to go to your mother's for the weekend. Hope too that you can plan more ways of going out with your kids or giving yourself a small treat.

[unicorn2014]

Is your husband diagnosed?

[misneach]

You know how sometimes another persons tragedy can make yours seem very small and insignificant to the point that you kinda feel ashamed for being so upset in the first place. Ya I got that dose of reality tonight. I was stressed and furious and wanting to cause him physical harm... . and then my cousin called.

His step-son has BPD (apparently we like this in my family?) and is causing horrible havoc in their lives to the point that CPS has been called due to self-inflicted bruises and wounds done right in front of his parents but of course the authorities have no choice but to investigate no matter what is said.

His wife and the 3 boys moved out last weekend to try to do some damage control but he is such a mess. He keeps saying, "I walk around this house but my wife and my kids are gone." Makes shrimp and trash cans seem rather petty in comparison.  :'(

So after I got off the phone with him I walked into our bedroom where my wonderfully still angry about shrimp husband was ignoring me and gave him a big hug and a kiss. He glared at me but I just said I love you and walked back out to the living room.

No matter how bad things get there is always someone who wishes they had what you had. I have a husband and a daughter with mental disorders but they are here and they are whole and that is all that really matters. Anger is gone... . I have a grip again.

[Lilibeth]

Wow misneach... . what a lesson! thanks for sharing.

[misneach]

Well lesson didn't last long. Temper is back up in full force. One more day and I can run away... . just one more day. He calls me... . at work... . complaining because he has to take my oldest to the dentist today because I can't get out of work. He had to take the younger two yesterday. First time I have asked him to help with the girls EVER and it was only because I had no other choice. He doesn't want to sit in the waiting room. He doesn't like having to go two days in a row and sit there while they do whatever. Poor baby. Welcome to parenthood! Geesh.

So I asked him if he wanted me to go get her. He said "no you stay there and do your thing. Take your hour break and so see your guy and I'll babysit your kid. But since you have your fun on the side I think I will get one too". I said you do that and he started saying something else but I hung up the phone. Seriously? 

I RARELY take a lunch break... . I've been here since October and I've went to lunch maybe twice. I don't like leaving work once I get here and I bring my lunch so why not eat at my desk and get off an hour earlier? Last week and this week I have worked from 8 to 5/5:30 because I am the only accountant on staff and I work at the national headquarters for our organization. The board meets next week to go over financials and set the 2014/2015 fiscal year budget... . did I mention I AM THE ONLY ACCOUNTANT ON STAFF?

I have to have everything done by tomorrow. Everything has to be balanced, I's doted, and T's crossed for this meeting. The reports have to be ran and paperwork pulled from everywhere. I have meeting minutes to print and bind and I AM FREAKING BUSY! But no... . I can't be working. I have to be cheating cause there is just no other possible explanation. I literally want to run him over right now. I can't wait to get off at 1 tomorrow and get out of here.

[Lilibeth]

This is really, really too bad. Just take a deep breath, misneach and put him out of your mind. You can do it. Just try. And finish your work. Just focus on that and on nothing else for now. Get that over and then we'll take the next step. Right now focus on you are important and you need peace of mind to finish. And you are not alone.

[misneach]

I feel like I am beating my head against a brick wall. He is blowing up my phone with texts saying how he will never trust me and everything I do is suspicious. How I just go to my parents so they can watch my kids while I go see some guy. No... . I do to visit my family and get away from him. I shut my phone off.

I am taking the advice from the other thread of declaring my independence. I make all the money right now. Everything we have is in my name and was mine before we married. He has nothing without me. I don't need him; he needs me and it's time I stopped acting like I'm the one who loses everything if we fail.

I love him and I want him but I love and want myself more. I refuse to justify my actions because there is nothing to justify. I am a good woman and a good mother; loving and fiercely loyal. I will remember that I don't have to prove my worth or my morality to anyone but myself. All that matters is that when I look in the mirror I know and respect the image looking back at me... . and I am more and more each day.

His demons are his own and while I love him enough to help him conquer them; I refuse to be punished for them. End of story.

[misneach]

The worst part about dealing with this is my own personal need for justification. I am not doing anything wrong and I want it acknowledged that I am not doing anything but of course that will never happen. This is my biggest hurdle to overcome. I can take anything better than I can take his false accusations. They irritate me more than anything.

[Lilibeth]

I think, misneach, these words say it all -  I am a good woman and a good mother; loving and fiercely loyal. I will remember that I don't have to prove my worth or my morality to anyone but myself. All that matters is that when I look in the mirror I know and respect the image looking back at me... . and I am more and more each day.

Remember these words - they are so heartening and uplifting... .

[an0ught]

Hi misneach,

The worst part about dealing with this is my own personal need for justification. I am not doing anything wrong and I want it acknowledged that I am not doing anything but of course that will never happen. This is my biggest hurdle to overcome. I can take anything better than I can take his false accusations. They irritate me more than anything.

I'm a Meyer-Briggs xxxJ so I tend to be a bit judgemental and you sound also quite fact oriented. The distortions can be quite mind blowing. These things helped me:

1) Radical acceptance

   - illness

   - others can have a very different perspective

2) Emotions as fact. This line of thinking helped me a lot. I'm a rationale person (yeah right  ) and I prefer dealing with facts. Dealing with the words as "facts" is extremely irritating. Addressing them is taking up the gauntlet and start a fight. But once I truly embraced the inequality "pwBPD emotions >> facts" it became easier to bear. I visualize her emotions. My focus on the emotions take away focus from her words. The words don't hurt me as much. I see the emotions behind them and I'm able to have a sense making reaction to them rather than having to suppress an invalidating action based on her words. Suppression is hard - replacing it with more constructive reactions is comparatively simple.

[Remington]

Hi Misneach,

Just want to offer some support.

Tough situation.

I get so frustrated  trying to change or clear up the distortions. I have found its impossible to do this when the pwBPD is in the midst of raging, etc. It is kind of like trying to reason with someone when they are drunk. Not possible. 

Sometimes, later on,  maybe two days later, the person wBPD can see another viewpoint and might shift the distortion.  Maybe not.

Take good care of YOU!

Remington

[Lilibeth]

You know an0ught, since i'm not a talkative person, and i am constantly being deluged by words from my husband, no matter what topic it is, i realize from what you've said that often my reaction is to his words, and that spins off... . and hurts and totally destroys my feelings of self. I will try this - focus on the emotions behind the words. And just let the words wash over me and keep quiet... . keep my mind focused on something else... . That, i think, will also help me when he turns on me... .

How are you feeling Misneach? Hope you are well, and the bad phase has passed... . if it hasn't remember you are not alone... . and if it has, please do pamper yourself - you need that!

[misneach]

Sorry it took me so long to respond. I have been putting into practice much of your advice and I have been reading and doing the workbook for Walking on Eggshells. It has been extremely helpful. It has been really rough but I am standing my ground and I have started to see small changes for the positive. Not a lot but enough to keep me going.

an - you are correct. I am also an xxxJ. You are right about the not taking words as fact. At your advice I have started trying to keep in mind better that I have to look for what he is actually saying behind his words. It has helped me to focus and address the real issues.

Thank you remington and lilibeth for your responses, also. I am doing ok. Taking one day at a time but in forward motion now. Thank you all so much!

[Lilibeth]

Brilliant, Misneach! Just keep going. It's not easy - far, far from it, but you've taken the first step, which is always the hardest.

Hugs and loads of positive energies coming your way. Make sure you give yourself a lovely treat... .