how to explain therapy to an 11 year old

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

We need urgent advice.  I had thought gd aged 11 was doing reasonably well but in the last few weeks have realized as her mother (ex dil) falls apart over having to fill out forms to get gd out of the country (she is on the airport watch list) that gd is stressed and I think traumatized.  I have tried to talk to her father and my son about it but all are in denial. However yesterday I received a text from sons new partner complaining about gd crying like a baby and how she thought it ridiculous.  She is a nice person but doesn't get it. I was  upset too say the least and sent a text back outlining why a child cannot make sense of abuse (gd is getting verbal and emotional abuse rained down upon her in large doses at the moment) and to a child parents are meant to make them feel safe and loved. If was a long and factual text and at last they are listening. I have stated that gd needs counseling urgently and that her father needs to be involved. I also think that until her mother seeks help that gd should be with her father.  He is actually a wonderful parent.  He broached it again with her and  gd said but will mummy go to jail for how she treats me and she doesn't want people to know her mother is bad.  My question is how would others explain the importance of this therapy to gd. Sorry for the long  story but this needs to happen ASAP.

[mother in law]

We need urgent advice.  I had thought gd aged 11 was doing reasonably well but in the last few weeks have realized as her mother (ex dil) falls apart over having to fill out forms to get gd out of the country (she is on the airport watch list) that gd is stressed and I think traumatized.  I have tried to talk to her father and my son about it but all are in denial. However yesterday I received a text from sons new partner complaining about gd crying like a baby and how she thought it ridiculous.  She is a nice person but doesn't get it. I was  upset too say the least and sent a text back outlining why a child cannot make sense of abuse (gd is getting verbal and emotional abuse rained down upon her in large doses at the moment) and to a child parents are meant to make them feel safe and loved. If was a long and factual text and at last they are listening. I have stated that gd needs counseling urgently and that her father needs to be involved. I also think that until her mother seeks help that gd should be with her father.  He is actually a wonderful parent.  He broached it again with her and  gd said but will mummy go to jail for how she treats me and she doesn't want people to know her mother is bad.  My question is how would others explain the importance of this therapy to gd. Sorry for the long  story but this needs to happen ASAP.

[marbleloser]

The way explained therapy to our kids was to tell them that it doesn't mean they've done anything wrong.It's simply an outlet to express their feelings to someone,other than their mother or I,with no repurcussion. That they could speak freely and openly about anything bothering them and that the therapist would be able to give them the proper tools on how to deal with it. It served them very well.

[Matt]

Yeah, that's kind of how I handled it too.  My kids were 8 and 10, and under a lot of stress after I suddenly separated from their mom after 10 years of marriage, when I took them to a counselor... .

One approach is that this isn't a "fix" to a "problem" with the child - nobody is saying that there is something wrong with her.  It's a person she can talk to, who can help her with ideas about how to handle difficult stuff.

I think you can say to your grand-daughter (or maybe her father says it), "There is a lot of stress right now for all of us.  That's not your fault.  It's hard for you to know how to deal with stuff that happens - things adults do that are confusing or hurtful.  Ms. Counselor talks with kids about what is happening in their lives, and she might have some ideas about ways to handle things in your life, that will make it easier for you."

Be aware of how the counselor handles confidentiality.  My kids' counselor told them that most of what they tell her would be confidential, but if they are having ideas about hurting themselves, she has to tell me about that.  At times she asked the kids, "How about if I ask your dad to come in and we can all talk about that together?" and they said OK, and then it was out in the open.  But most times it was just between the child and the counselor.  Someone you find for your daughter might have similar rules, and it's good for everybody to know what they are, so the child can feel safe talking to her.

I found the counselor by talking with the school counselor first, and she recommended the woman who had her job before her.  The former school counselor is now in private practice, and she was perfect.  It also avoided accusations that I had shopped for someone to take "my side", because I got the referral from the school counselor.

Make sure everybody understands that the counselor is not a weapon in the battle between the parents.  She is a resource for the child.

[Free One]

I think you can say to your grand-daughter (or maybe her father says it), "There is a lot of stress right now for all of us.  That's not your fault.  It's hard for you to know how to deal with stuff that happens - things adults do that are confusing or hurtful.  Ms. Counselor talks with kids about what is happening in their lives, and she might have some ideas about ways to handle things in your life, that will make it easier for you."

Yes, I think that is great. Also focusing on how counselors help teach us skills to deal with things (puts therapy focus on granddaughter coping instead of her feeling like she's tattling on mom).

[livednlearned]

My son's therapist referred to herself as a "feelings doctor." S12 was 9 when he started to see her. She was trained in play therapy and focused on playing games with him at first, and he liked that. She also had this sandbox she slid out from under her desk and he was fascinated with it. She would hide things in it and he liked sorting through it to see if he could find what she had hidden.

It's a place where they can go and safely talk about their feelings. No one is going to get in trouble and no one is going to go to jail, and it's not about anyone being bad.

I'm glad you're getting through to your son and his partner. Young kids can really benefit from good therapy.