ExUBPD got a finance real quick - turns out her ex is a violent drug dealer

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So, I'm new here.  I have one 8yo son with exUBPD.  He announced his impending nuptials 2 months after our speedy divorce.  I did some digging because right away he started bringing our son around her.  I have unrefutable evidence that she was, when with her ex, living with him in a household that was functioning as a "grow house" (her words) for marijuana and he was dealing cocaine and God knows what else.  Now he is threatening to come to my exes home and physically harm him.  I just pulled a police report on it but there were no actual charges ... . just a report of escalating threats.  Our son stays with my ex a good amount of overnights - as does the new fiance and her son with exdruglord - which is the cause of the tension (that I know of anyway).  ExUBPD and his new BiPolar Fiance have started having her child call my ex ":)addy" and tried to get our son to call his fiance "Mom" but that didn't work on my son.  That enraged exdruglord apparently.  To boot, exBPDH is neglectful and when our son received 2nd and 3rd degree burns on his leg weekend before last on his car exhaust, he did not have him medically treated and didn't inform me, stating doctors operated from "filthy disease ridden" offices and doled out "magic potions" that didn't do any good and he knew how to treat burns personally because I was such a dilitant of a mother that he's "done it all" all these years while I sat an ate bonbons.  By the time I got our son home, the burn was infected and he had to take an oral antibiotic in addition to having the wound cleaned in the ER and a topical prescribed.  I called DCF and they are investigating, but I don't expect much because even though the medical neglect was intentional, he didn't maliciously withhold treatment (?)  No idea what that means. My lawyer said I should NOT have called DCF.  WTH?  Am I crazy in thinking that SOMEONE WITH AUTHORITY has to get through to this man to let him know what he did was not right?  Taking him back to court right now would be hard - but not impossible I guess.  I'm seeking all options to protect our son.

I had so hoped to be able to move on with my life by leaving this man, but I find myself so worried for our son in his care with the characters he's brought into his life and his behaviors (or lack thereof) that I'm just beside myself and my lawyer is AWFUL and no help.  I'm trying to find one that WILL help, but they don't seem to understand dealing with someone that is this messed up.  In fact, I had one tell me that I come off as trying undermining of his parenting style.  Well, duh?  What do I have to wait for?  Something awful to happen? 

I feel so helpless to protect our son from the madness. Anyone have ANYTHING remotely like this trainwreck going on?  Any advice?  Anyone?   :'( :'(

[blue_skies_ahead]

So, I'm new here.  I have one 8yo son with exUBPD.  He announced his impending nuptials 2 months after our speedy divorce.  I did some digging because right away he started bringing our son around her.  I have unrefutable evidence that she was, when with her ex, living with him in a household that was functioning as a "grow house" (her words) for marijuana and he was dealing cocaine and God knows what else.  Now he is threatening to come to my exes home and physically harm him.  I just pulled a police report on it but there were no actual charges ... . just a report of escalating threats.  Our son stays with my ex a good amount of overnights - as does the new fiance and her son with exdruglord - which is the cause of the tension (that I know of anyway).  ExUBPD and his new BiPolar Fiance have started having her child call my ex ":)addy" and tried to get our son to call his fiance "Mom" but that didn't work on my son.  That enraged exdruglord apparently.  To boot, exBPDH is neglectful and when our son received 2nd and 3rd degree burns on his leg weekend before last on his car exhaust, he did not have him medically treated and didn't inform me, stating doctors operated from "filthy disease ridden" offices and doled out "magic potions" that didn't do any good and he knew how to treat burns personally because I was such a dilitant of a mother that he's "done it all" all these years while I sat an ate bonbons.  By the time I got our son home, the burn was infected and he had to take an oral antibiotic in addition to having the wound cleaned in the ER and a topical prescribed.  I called DCF and they are investigating, but I don't expect much because even though the medical neglect was intentional, he didn't maliciously withhold treatment (?)  No idea what that means. My lawyer said I should NOT have called DCF.  WTH?  Am I crazy in thinking that SOMEONE WITH AUTHORITY has to get through to this man to let him know what he did was not right?  Taking him back to court right now would be hard - but not impossible I guess.  I'm seeking all options to protect our son.

I had so hoped to be able to move on with my life by leaving this man, but I find myself so worried for our son in his care with the characters he's brought into his life and his behaviors (or lack thereof) that I'm just beside myself and my lawyer is AWFUL and no help.  I'm trying to find one that WILL help, but they don't seem to understand dealing with someone that is this messed up.  In fact, I had one tell me that I come off as trying undermining of his parenting style.  Well, duh?  What do I have to wait for?  Something awful to happen? 

I feel so helpless to protect our son from the madness. Anyone have ANYTHING remotely like this trainwreck going on?  Any advice?  Anyone?   :'( :'(

[questioncentral]

Hi BSA

I think it's important to keep the powers that be informed about what is going on when your son is in exH's care - especially if he's been hurt and not given the proper attention.

I think it's important to document everything about your son's interactions at that house. Why? because if your exH decides to start any kind of parental alienating tactics, he just may sink to saying your son was hurt in your care rather than his. And TBH if your exH starts PA tactics, when it comes down to your word against his combined with his fiancé's, you may end up on the short end of a vicious stick. So document - but is there any point in confronting him with "evidence" of neglect - not really, it's just fuel to the fire... .

I'm not saying be paranoid - I'm saying be careful - report what your gut tells you to report, document what happens. But don't turn it into PA against your exH, the only one who is hurt by that is your son. There are some really good articles here on parental alienation.

You can't control who your ex is with, you can't control what goes on in his house or what he and fiancé decide to do (trying to do that is going to drive you nuts). You can make a difference in how your son is cared for by keeping in touch with the proper counsellors, teachers etc. Those resources are your gold and they document everything to.

If it has to go back to court, you may want to look into legal representation for your son - some places will appoint one if you ask. That way he has a say in his own destiny and where he wants to be.

Best of luck to you.

[newlymarried]

I can relate. My Dh's BPDexw decided that living with a felon with an 18 page rap sheet was the right thing to do. During the divorce BPDexw lived in a meth flop house. My DH had the BPDexw sign a stipulation to the Court Order saying SD5 was not to be around felons. She admitted to violating the court order in writing numerous times. My DH just drew up another stipulation that gives him sole decision making and BPDexw can only have kiddo 15 overnights a year.

Document everything. Find out if your state is single consent for recording. Every time your ex makes a bad choice for the kiddo sent them an email documenting your concern. Only communicate with your ex in written form. Don't have any phone contact.

We had to open a DCF case against BPDexw because kiddo said that the felon physically hurt her. The case is currently pending in 2 states.

Remember to breathe.

[blue_skies_ahead]

Thank you for your replies.  About to turn in but wanted to say that lest I forget.  Looking forward to interacting and learning here.