Don't know what to do anymore..

[nanc]

Hi,

My DBPDSO is having treatment for a year now. We have a relationship for 4 years and only the last year and a half we know he has BPD. About two months ago they started medicall treatment and two weeks ago the dose was doubled. Up untill now I was never ever afraid of him hurting me in any way. Just verbal abuse because of the BPD. Untill yesterday. He was having these strange mood swings on and off several times a day for the last two weeks. Saying he was feeling good and all of sudden became highly agitated and confused about little things. So, I asked him to sort it out and stop all contact for as long as he needed. This was working great for the last six months or so. Not starting any discussions, just give him time and space to get his head straight again.

But yesterday he just blew up or something! It started with something small and after a while it changed to something else and all of a sudden he was telling me he ended the relationship and was coming over to get his stuff! He was calling me again and again and I got all worked up aswell... He just kept going on about that stupid little thing and he wouldn't stop.

Calling me like that and saying that he would come over to get his stuff, is just something he never did before! We live apart and it is more than a half hour drive to get to me. That distance is great when he is in a crisis. Untill yesterday!

All of a sudden he was standing in my living room and kept going on about that stupid thing. The look in his eyes was so strange... I asked him to leave and so on, but he just wouldn't listen! He kept going on and on and on. Then he pinned me down on the couch and grabbed me my the throat! Somehow I could get away and ran to the bedroom locking the door behind me. He just kicked the door in! All the time he kept going on and on and on. It looked like there were two persons. One just kept going on and on in that strange almost calm voice and at the same time his body was doing things he didn't seem to realise he was doing. Or something like that... He just followed me every where and kept going on and on. It was terrifying! As a last resort I grabbed my phone and called my parents. As soon as he heard there was someone on the phone he left.

This whole situation scared the hell out of me! This is so not like him.

Is this because of the medication? He is on Wellbutrin.

The only thing that changed the last couple of months is that we changed an agreement. At first we agreed to discuss our relationship after every crisis to make sure we both wanted to stay in. Because of the advise of an therapist we changed this to agree that we stay in te relationship for now no matter what or how difficult the crisis will get. At first it seemed to give him some more peace of mind.

Could this be the trigger after all? Maybe he just didn't want to make a commitment or something? At least I can understand if this is like a commitment to him.

I just don't know anymore. He scared the hell out of me and I have no idea what he will do in the near future.

Is there someone out there with the same experience and can explain to me what the hell happened? I haven't heard from him yet. But at this point I don't know if I want to.

And to be honest I don't know if I will ever hear from him again. If he is acting like he normally would he is too ashamed to contact me. On the other hand, if he is still acting the opposite way of how he normally does... should I be scared for my live?

Sorry if my explanation is a little confusing. I am Dutch and English is not my native language.

Hopefully someone can give me some clues on what to expect or what to do. Do I have to contact him about this of just wait untill he contact me? What is the best thing to do?

Nanc

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[HealingForMe]

I've had a similar situation, although not as extreme.

My dexBPDgf was starting a new medication which didnt work for her. She beacame violent & started throwing things at me. I had to call the police  :'(

A few days later she came over after she had seen her psych & told me it was the new med, it made her that way & she was now on a different med. That is the only time she's been violent.

It may be just the new meds he was on, but until you know for sure, my advice is change the locks & keep your phone on you at all times. If this happens again call the police immediately.

Grabbing you by the throat is absolutely not acceptable under any circumstances. You need to take this very seriously. there is a very small bone in your throat that can be easily crushed, causing you to suffocate. Apart from the risk of him accidentally breaking your neck. Every year, people are accidentally killed this way. Do not underestimate how serious this is... .

Its great he is seeking help for his BPD but at no time should your life ever be put in danger

[nanc]

NachaLuva, thank you so much for your reply!

I already found a similar story about getting violant after using the same medication. Never thought that this could happen.

The locks on the doors are already changed, but the biggest part is made out of glass. If he is in the same mood as Friday no glass will keep him from getting in.

Thank you for your warning about breaking necks that easily. It didn't cross my mind to be honoust. Just being a very frightening experience. But you are right.

I left a message for his therapist with a short description of what happenend. My phone is at my side at all times and if this happens again I will call the police instead.

Thank you so much!

[HealingForMe]

I have a glass front door too but the sound of breaking glass is very distinctive & will snap you into preservation mode, plus give you time to lock yourself away somewhere as you call the police. Dont hesitate, you can always tell them its a false alarm if you need to, but if he is in a similar mood you may not have much time. Then if he approaches you, show him the phone & tell him the police are on the way.

Good luck nanc, stay strong 

[nanc]

Thank you so much NachaLuva!

This is helping me a lot... . Hopefully it never will be necessary to call the police, but I will do so immediately if necessary.   

[nanc]

An update on my situation... He is feeling much better now and the medication will be stopped. He is on 1/3 of the dose he was taking and his feelings are his own. So to speak. He tried to explain what has happened and was shocked when he saw a picture of my door. He never realised he used so much force. This is a very scary experience for the both of us. Hopefully this will not happen again. But to be on the safe side, he will stay away for a couple of weeks and I will keep my doors locked for now. 

[HealingForMe]

Ok so it does sound like it was just his meds, lets hope so. You're wise to keep some distance for a while. It is scary what a human is capable of doing with enough adrenaline & other things in the system, we're capable of enormous strength given the right circumstances.

How ashamed & apologetic do you think he is? Has he offered to pay for the damaged door & frame?

Make sure you become an expert at setting boundaries & enforcing them, plus SET would be another invaluable tool. I really hope things work out for you.

[nanc]

It seems like it was the meds yes... but I am still very carefull.

He really is ashamed and even said he was sorry! Something he has never done before. To be honoust... I made sure he was really aware of the damage he did and the force he was using at the time. He admitted that he never realised using force at all. When he saw the picture of the door it was the first time he realised that he must have used force indeed. He was really shocked. But still... he did not offer to pay for the door. Hopefully he will in the coming weeks. And if he won't he will receive the bill in his mail anyway.

I am willing to give him some more weeks because he is still not there yet. It will take another 3 weeks for the meds have stopped at all and then another 2 weeks before they are completely out of his system.

In the meantime I will practice SETH and strengthen my boundaries for sure. ;-) My course has started yesterday and that will help a lot to practise my skills in communicating with him. Keeping my fingers crossed though... . ;-)