She's Already Introduced S4 and D1 to my replacement

[Turkish]

My son said something odd today. I asked him who told him that (I don;t even remember what it was exactly, but it struck me as odd). His reply was no, Mommy's friend XXX" the guy has an odd name, and at first I thought he was saying something else. only 6 weeks out, and she;s already bringing him into the kids's lived. Back in Sept, she told me that he wanted to meet S then 3, which struck me as weird... . I guess the rule of thumb is 6 mos for someone new, but she is probably justifying it as saying it;s just mommy's friend. So in reality, she's lying to our poor kids. This just grates my soul, but it's not as if anything she's done hasn't followed a script and is predictable. Of course I didn't quizz S4 for at all about it, I know better than that. It's just that I've known women whose bfs have molested 1 or more of their kids. Based upon uBPDx's comments the other night about talking to the kids about molestation, now I'm the paranoid one. There is nothing I can do about this. I'll just watch the kids' behaviors, hope that the guy treats them well and is safe, and never mention it to her, because at this point, the conversation going through my head I'd like to have with her is nothing nice. Not at all.

[KnightsGambit]

I get where you are coming from on that one. My stbew has already taken my girls for play dates with her (latest) boyfriend's kids after a matter of days of being "in a relationship". Her lack of judgement has given me a great deal of pause. I don't know this new guy from Adam and have no idea what he is about.

I don't defend myself from her as well as I should, but I can guarantee one thing for certain... . mess with one of my children and be prepared for the battle of your life.

I really hope your situation gets better. Thank you for sharing this - it really is a shame that mothers can expose their children to potential creeps just to satisfy their own selfish desires. My fear is it happens all too often.

[Turkish]

I get where you are coming from on that one. My stbew has already taken my girls for play dates with her (latest) boyfriend's kids after a matter of days of being "in a relationship". Her lack of judgement has given me a great deal of pause. I don't know this new guy from Adam and have no idea what he is about.

I don't defend myself from her as well as I should, but I can guarantee one thing for certain... . mess with one of my children and be prepared for the battle of your life.

I really hope your situation gets better. Thank you for sharing this - it really is a shame that mothers can expose their children to potential creeps just to satisfy their own selfish desires. My fear is it happens all too often.

I just replied in kind to your intro thread... . good to know we're not alone. My replacement has indicators of NPD, possibly BPD, based upon what little I was told about him many months ago when I thought we were trying to work it out. Add that he's adopted (where a lot of PDs lie... . and I'm adopted so I know this world), and that his love addiction is obvious from his FB page (which looks like that of a weird 13 year old girl), and yes, I am very concerned.

[theirdad]

I have the same experience with my xBPDw bringing new BFs into the lives of our small children.  What may seem inappropriate to the rest of the world doesn't apply to her (or all CBs.)  I try to accept that there is nothing I can do to change her behavior.  I just show up and be the best father I can. 

[Turkish]

I have the same experience with my xBPDw bringing new BFs into the lives of our small children.  What may seem inappropriate to the rest of the world doesn't apply to her (or all CBs.)  I try to accept that there is nothing I can do to change her behavior.  I just show up and be the best father I can. 

I've been angry about it all week. The worst thing is that I can't alienate the kids from the BF, as that will confuse them even more, Seeking advice from my T tomorrow, whom I haven't seen in a month. S4 mentioned the BF's name again this weekend. I think what bugs me more is that she is lying to the kids about him being just a friend. Manipulating them into accepting when she springs their r/s on the kids, if it lasts that long, which it could.

uBPDx fixed herself to never have kids. She thinks, like she did with a previous BF, and somewhat me, that she'll be with him forever. I'm waiting for the day when she asks him to move in (which would violate her lease and also her subsidized housing agreement). What future does she see? He's very young. Will he "want" my kids since he won't have any with her ever? She will desperately cling to him no matter what, until he leaves. I could have to deal with this for a year, perhaps a little more. It helps to know I'm not alone, though. Thank you.

[arn131arn]

I get where you are coming from on that one. My stbew has already taken my girls for play dates with her (latest) boyfriend's kids after a matter of days of being "in a relationship". Her lack of judgement has given me a great deal of pause. I don't know this new guy from Adam and have no idea what he is about.

I don't defend myself from her as well as I should, but I can guarantee one thing for certain... . mess with one of my children and be prepared for the battle of your life.

I really hope your situation gets better. Thank you for sharing this - it really is a shame that mothers can expose their children to potential creeps just to satisfy their own selfish desires. My fear is it happens all too often.

This scares the hell out of me too. My son is not aggressive unless he's on a baseball or football field. But it concerns me about another man using corporal punishment on him- something I've never done.

But if it were to happen, spending the night in jail would certainly be worth what I would so to him. It's that promise you make them to always protect them the day they were born... . a promise I will never break.

[Turkish]

I get where you are coming from on that one. My stbew has already taken my girls for play dates with her (latest) boyfriend's kids after a matter of days of being "in a relationship". Her lack of judgement has given me a great deal of pause. I don't know this new guy from Adam and have no idea what he is about.

I don't defend myself from her as well as I should, but I can guarantee one thing for certain... . mess with one of my children and be prepared for the battle of your life.

I really hope your situation gets better. Thank you for sharing this - it really is a shame that mothers can expose their children to potential creeps just to satisfy their own selfish desires. My fear is it happens all too often.

This scares the hell out of me too. My son is not aggressive unless he's on a baseball or football field. But it concerns me about another man using corporal punishment on him- something I've never done.

But if it were to happen, spending the night in jail would certainly be worth what I would so to him. It's that promise you make them to always protect them the day they were born... . a promise I will never break.

I hear you Arn, but if you have evidence of this, take it straight to court.

A father and his brother in my city caught and beat up a guy who sexually assaulted the daughter. Despite much sympathy from the public and media, they ended up convicted and have to spend a few years in prison for it, separated from thir families. Its just not worth it unless you witness a crime being committed. Romans 12:19.

[arn131arn]

No. I have no evidence of it. It's just a fear of mine. He's just such a sweet innocent kid. He felt bad last year when a ball he hit hit the other kid on the opposing team's face. I mean we all felt bad, but it did a number on him.

The replacement is sick as well. Extremely jealous of me, maybe? Bc he continues to try and ruin me, what would make him somehow like my son? That's the question that wakes me up lately. Just not around enough to protect him like I was, I guess

[Turkish]

No. I have no evidence of it. It's just a fear of mine. He's just such a sweet innocent kid. He felt bad last year when a ball he hit hit the other kid on the opposing team's face. I mean we all felt bad, but it did a number on him.

The replacement is sick as well. Extremely jealous of me, maybe? Bc he continues to try and ruin me, what would make him somehow like my son? That's the question that wakes me up lately. Just not around enough to protect him like I was, I guess

How is it going to get joint custody? I hope you are still persuing that.

I am sure my replacement is something like NPD/BPD, at the very least displaying obvious narc traits. Since he is young, and my ex fixed herself to never have more children, I fear an unnatural attachment to my kids. S4 mentioned him again on Sunday. I was silent. Let him tell me things without manipulating him. He trusts me, and all I can do at this point is build upon that.

[arn131arn]

I have him 2 nights/week and every other weekend. Almost joint by 2 or 3 days a month. It's when he's not with me that's concerning me is all

[Turkish]

I have him 2 nights/week and every other weekend. Almost joint by 2 or 3 days a month. It's when he's not with me that's concerning me is all

Your concern is understandabke, especially how his mom is. But he's old enough that you can communicate with him well. Since you got him back, just be that rock that you already are and watch and listen. My S4 is still naive. His mom told me tonight he is so aggressive. It concerns me. He can be like that with me, but not to the extent I feel the need to comment upon it. We all need to be Super Stable Parents like never before in these situations.

[DreamGirl]

Being concerned for our kids is good thing. We also need to remain grounded - balance our emotions and reality of the situation.  

It's a valid fear to worry about them being safe, but we should also not be so quick to jump the gun. Pay attention to our feelings and sort them out. Have you met the new friend yet? Is there a reason to worry so much about him?

Turkish, you obviously are affected by this in part that you don't trust your ex and her judgments when it comes to picking partners. (She did pick you though!   ) Do you think your wife is capable of keeping the kiddos safe from that kind of person (sex offender)? Also to help a little in this, your children seem to be at a lower risk for this - they have an extremely active parent in their life keeping tabs on them (you) which makes them less appealing. It's a valid fear of course, but I also wouldn't let it rule your thoughts, actions, feelings here.

How much of this is about the feelings of it being too soon? For you? For the kids?

The worst thing is that I can't alienate the kids from the BF, as that will confuse them even more, Seeking advice from my T tomorrow, whom I haven't seen in a month. S4 mentioned the BF's name again this weekend. I think what bugs me more is that she is lying to the kids about him being just a friend. Manipulating them into accepting when she springs their r/s on the kids, if it lasts that long, which it could.

Turkish, is this really what is bugging you? Is it lying and manipulation? Is she maybe trying to keep it low key for now - until she figures this stuff out?

I don't know that this isn't actually a pretty standard approach. Especially with such little ones. Kids understand the concept of "friends". Why add the complication of mommy having a boyfriend when she's only recently split from dad?  

[Turkish]

Being concerned for our kids is good thing. We also need to remain grounded - balance our emotions and reality of the situation.  

It's a valid fear to worry about them being safe, but we should also not be so quick to jump the gun. Pay attention to our feelings and sort them out. Have you met the new friend yet? Is there a reason to worry so much about him?

Turkish, you obviously are affected by this in part that you don't trust your ex and her judgments when it comes to picking partners. (She did pick you though!   ) Do you think your wife is capable of keeping the kiddos safe from that kind of person (sex offender)? Also to help a little in this, your children seem to be at a lower risk for this - they have an extremely active parent in their life keeping tabs on them (you) which makes them less appealing. It's a valid fear of course, but I also wouldn't let it rule your thoughts, actions, feelings here.

How much of this is about the feelings of it being too soon? For you? For the kids?

The worst thing is that I can't alienate the kids from the BF, as that will confuse them even more, Seeking advice from my T tomorrow, whom I haven't seen in a month. S4 mentioned the BF's name again this weekend. I think what bugs me more is that she is lying to the kids about him being just a friend. Manipulating them into accepting when she springs their r/s on the kids, if it lasts that long, which it could.

Turkish, is this really what is bugging you? Is it lying and manipulation? Is she maybe trying to keep it low key for now - until she figures this stuff out?

I don't know that this isn't actually a pretty standard approach. Especially with such little ones. Kids understand the concept of "friends". Why add the complication of mommy having a boyfriend when she's only recently split from dad?  

I understand that she is taking the best approach she knows how. Not being able to be "alone" without the guy, she wants him there. I just think S4 will figure it out later, that this is the guy she was cheating on me with, if she is able to keep him around for a year or more, which is possible. She isn't a type who goes through lots of boyfriends. She attached to someone, thinks it will be forever, then it eventually ends (they leave/cheat, and now she has done that). Yes, she did pick me, but I am different than any of her other boyfriends: older, more mature, stable (financially, emotionally), and moral. Her last guy was likely NPD... . based upon a sappy and flowerly love letter I found from him and stories he told when he later ended up in jail on an unrelated matter after they were done, it seems likely. He flat out told his cell mate how he "got over" on his last gf and played her. He was referring to uBPDx.

This guy is like her previous ones, younger, with strong narcissistic traits. She is blinded by love, so to speak, idealizing and looking past obvious red flags. She kept her previous r/s's separate from her family. I was the only one she brought home to be included as part of the family, and of course they accepted me with open arms. She may try this in the future with this guy, but her family knows, and doesn't approve. Since she wrote back in Sept. "every day is one day closer to when we can be together forever," she has that part of her emotions to deal with. I just don't see how this can go on long term without a lot of drama coming. She can't move him into her subsidized apartment without getting into trouble. But she will want to at some point soon, to keep him closer. It's her pattern.

I may be repeating myself, but my fear is that he will try to alienate me behind her back, especially to S4. And it still is a   to me that he indicated months ago that he wanted to meet S4 (not D1?) which is what their mom told me. Maybe he's just trying to latch onto that little lost boy that he feels he is (Ex told me he, like me, was adopted). She fixed herself to never have kids. If he wants the family, the interloper, then he is going to try to bond with them as a father figure. As for meeting him, I told her a long time ago that I never wanted to meet him. But at some point, if this goes on for 6-8 months more, that I will have to. He paints himself as a peaceful, spiritual guy on social media (and to her), but he also has the aggressive side, and I heard 3rd hand from someone "downtown" who volunteered info to me (I wasn't asking, he just gave himself a weird nickname which stands out), that his fellow bouncer buddies thought he was a fake who painted himself as a tough guy, but they had real experience on the street and saw right through him. Typical narc. And this is going to be an influence in my kids' lives... .

Thank you, though, for words of objectivity. I consider myself very self-aware, but I also am aware that I can overreact emotionally through all of this, a different kind of fog. Seeing the T tomorrow to get more advice and fatherly admonishment, if necessary.

As of now, I'm just watching for more weird comments by S4. I may or may not ask the same again of her one brother in the house that I trust, to let me know if S4's behavior changes or if he says any odd things. Her family is disappointed and frustrated with her, but she is also their blood, and I'm not going to alienate there.

[DreamGirl]

It's all hear say then.

Turkish, it's good that you are wanting to know who is around your kiddos. It's good that you're questioning why he'd only want to meet one and not the other. It's normal to wonder how he's going to fit into your divorced family dynamic.

You also have a pretty established relationship with your kiddos - and the most efficient way to battle alienation (now and in the future) is to nuture that relationship. My oldest stepdaughters know who their father is... . and who their mom is. Their stepparents (myself included) don't replace anyone. We're just a couple of adults who add to their already established family life. Try not let to let your fears rule the roost here - maybe he's a guy who just wants to be a part of their life.

I know it's a hard pill to swallow when he took part in the betrayal in your marriage. Only time will help that... . but my best advice is to compartmentalize that stuff. Show the kids that it's not all black and white, they're allowed to love both parents all they want and nobody replaces anybody.

I also wouldn't waste a whole lot of time worrying about other people's problems.  

If she wants to risk moving him in - then she gets to do that. Then she'll just have to deal with it. Best part is - that it's just not your problem anymore.  

[Turkish]

It's all hear say then.

Turkish, it's good that you are wanting to know who is around your kiddos. It's good that you're questioning why he'd only want to meet one and not the other. It's normal to wonder how he's going to fit into your divorced family dynamic.

You also have a pretty established relationship with your kiddos - and the most efficient way to battle alienation (now and in the future) is to nuture that relationship. My oldest stepdaughters know who their father is... . and who their mom is. Their stepparents (myself included) don't replace anyone. We're just a couple of adults who add to their already established family life. Try not let to let your fears rule the roost here - maybe he's a guy who just wants to be a part of their life.

I know it's a hard pill to swallow when he took part in the betrayal in your marriage. Only time will help that... . but my best advice is to compartmentalize that stuff. Show the kids that it's not all black and white, they're allowed to love both parents all they want and nobody replaces anybody.

I also wouldn't waste a whole lot of time worrying about other people's problems.  

If she wants to risk moving him in - then she gets to do that. Then she'll just have to deal with it. Best part is - that it's just not your problem anymore.  

Thanks DG. I've been reading up on alienation here, and elsewhere. Putting myself into the mind of a 4 year old (something their mom is not able to do, based upon age-inapropriate things she's said to him in the past). She is trying to be a good mom now, and I'm supporting it, or at least not invalidating it. As for OPP, I will get sucked into drama at some point, especially when the r/s goes south. I'm the most stable, closest "friend" that she has, who knows her better than her family or even the one close friend she has nearby. Need to work on my boundaries as well.

Thank you again for your sagacious advice