I'm afraid my BPDh is trying to influence my son in his sexual affairs. HELP

[toomanytears]

My BPDh husband left last August. To begin with he protested that I had thrown him out. Although he refused to come back home to try and work things out. For months I was in grief and agony. I believed that it was just a mid-life crisis and that he needed space. Then I began to realise that he wasn't coming home. He started off by being generous with financial support. From February he cut it off completely. He began divorce proceedings and financial disclosure. I received a bundle of mixed up bank statements and as I began to sort them out the penny dropped that he'd been having an affair for months before we separated - hotels, meals, flowers. I now realise that he's probably been having affairs for years. In fact it's likely that each time he accused me of having an affair, this was probably him projecting his guilt onto me. I should have seen red flags years ago. There were plenty of them. He often talked about how his father showed off his girlfriends to him when he was a small boy. I think he's hard wired to behave in this way, but has been so clever at concealing it by distraction and gaslighting me. More worrying, my sister in law told me recently that her husband (my BPDh's brother - she's divorcing him) texted his father photographs of her naked in the shower.  Clearly they come from a very disturbed family.

Now I'm worried that my BPDh is sucking my 21 year old son into the same horrible cycle. A few months ago, I found out that my BPDh started an affair with a Mexican reearcher he's moved into his department (he's a geography professor at a University in the UK). He'd met her a few years ago on a field trip to Mexico. My son is now talking about going to Mexico next summer to take part in a research project. He says it's nothing to do with his dad but alarm bells are ringing.  I'm worried for my son on all levels.  I do now strongly suspect that my BPDh tried to introduce my son to his girlfriends when he was younger. I can remember a couple of occasions when my husband brought young female students home that should have alerted me. Fortunately latterly my BPDh worked abroad so much that my son has probably escaped much of his influence. However, my son is a very attractive, charming but rather naive lad. I'm so concerned... . What can/should I do/say? I've never told him I believe his dad has BPD. My son has described him as a 'dxckhead' to my daughter, so he does know that his father is odd. But I don't know to what extent. Should I talk to him? Can I do anything to protect him? It disgusts me the idea that my BPDh would try and influence my son and draw him into his world. Advice much appreciated... .

[foggydew]

He's got to grow up and make his own experiences, and hopefully he'll meet the kind of woman who shows him where the limits are. But he's only 21, he should go out and do all kinds of silly things so that he can tell his kids about them when he has a family... and experimenting in Mexico is fine. (I'd go myself). Encourage him, tell him how much you trust his judgement, show faith in him ... you brought him up after all! Lucky boy, to have such opportunities!

You seem to be the one who is really suffering, and no wonder. Concentrate on yourself and feeling better after this mega-letdown that you have had. You can't police your son's life... but you can help yourself and demonstrate how strong you are to him. A woman to be respected, who has survived these horrible infeelities... and your son can then draw his own conclusions. And he will.

[PinkieV]

Doing silly things in Mexico is a dangerous thing these days.  I have a friend who grew up there and she rarely leaves her family's compound when she visits. If she does go out, she does not speak, as she has an American accent now.

You said your son is naive, which would also concern me. If it were me, I would sit down with him to talk about the exciting opportunity to see what he thinks will be happening when he's there. Is it a student program?  Is their any peer or instructor guidance?  I know he's an adult, but mom voicing her concern and being a voice of reason may be the wake up call he needs, especially if his BPD father presents it as an exciting, sexy adventure.

[toomanytears]

Hi Pinkie and Foggie both

Thanks for your insights - both useful. And you're right about concentrating on myself. I try, but sometimes the focus switches. My son will draw his own conclusions. And if I brought him up right, they will also be right-thinking.

[foggydew]

You're a great woman! Nice to have the chance of communicating with you!