She says now that I can see my family, but still refuses to let them see 2yoS

[guitarguy09]

Last night I talked with my uBPDw about how our struggles with my family had gone on long enough and that I was going to take my son over to see my parents for his birthday. They were not included in the main birthday party we had at our church because of the tensions going on in the family. After a long drawn out argument and lots of blaming on her part, she says "fine, you can go and be with your family, but leave me and (son) out of it". She doesn't get that his other grandparents need to see him too. So my question is... . what legal rights do I have to take him to go see them? Do we have to work it out? I can go see them, but ultimately they want to see him too.

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[an0ught]

Hi guitarguy09,

have you validated her dislike of the grandparents? Her fear of bad influence (if present)?

just asking for completeness. I guess it is like you said that she is using the son as a lever against you. That is disgusting and you are understandably upset. That may be another thing to validate

"you are using son against me. What will son think of you in a few years when he understands what you have done?".

but then this may be also handled with boundaries. Knowing the legal situation may be good - arguing it with her however will not help you. Have you checked with the legal board?

[SweetCharlotte]

There is such a thing as Grandparents' Rights, a growing area for legislation.

Your parents could check to see whether they have a legal right (not going through your intervention as parent) to demand visitation with their grandchild.

Of course, if your BPDw ever found out that you encouraged them to take this approach, you could suffer. You could leave a newspaper clipping or Internet print-out concerning the laws of your state or province concerning Grandparents' Rights in plain view for them.

[Grey Kitty]

Two thoughts:

1. If you are interested in legal rights, the family law (divorce & custody) board will probably have more to suggest for you, 'tho most things over there look pretty ugly.

2. Changing your situation regarding your family and your wife and son will hopefully not involve a legal custody dispute, in which case, you want to use the sort of tools we have here on the staying board.

My first suggestion is to start enforcing boundaries and asserting your rights.

You should not need any approval on her part to spend as much time as you want with your family. So don't ask for approval; just do it, and tell her that you are doing it.

You shouldn't be punished for this activity, but if you are, that is where enforcing boundaries about verbal abuse, etc. comes in.

Perhaps you should solidify your situation at this level first--spend more time with your parents and family, and do not let her stop you, and don't accept punishment from her on it.

The next step is spending time with your son and your family. I'd wait until you felt solid on just spending time with them yourself first. After that, you can decide how you want to handle this--she really doesn't have a right to keep your son away from your parents... . but you don't have a lot of rights to take her son from her either, so it can get messy.

[guitarguy09]

an0ught - I have validated it in the past, but I probably could start doing that more lately. She definitely fears a bad influence. She equates her rejection from the family (mostly because of bringing things up constantly and nasty emails) as my son's rejection from the family. She doesn't want him to have to go through that rejection. I have brought up how she is keeping him from his grandparents and that is wrong, but haven't talked about him being used against me. I'll try that.

SweetCharlotte - As for the grandparents rights question - I checked on a legal website and in my state, those rights only exist if I am separated or divorced from my wife. But it could be out of date.

Grey Kitty – I hope we don’t have to go that route as well. So far she has been pretty unreasonable about it, and I and my family have been getting really impatient. I will definitely check out the legal stuff if it come s to that. That’s a really good suggestion to just get comfortable going over there by myself, then see if I can bring my son with me.

Update on the situation: I have scheduled a separate birthday party with my parents on Sunday afternoon. My wife’s dad and stepmom are watching him this weekend, and I am planning on telling them to drop him off at my parents house then and I will meet them over there. I at least need to get him over there once for his birthday.

[guitarguy09]

I have some great news! So with a little help from her dad, I was able to pull off going over to see my parents with my son. My wife even came along, because I think she does still want to stay on the good side of her dad. He has helped us out a lot money-wise as well as fixed our cars when they needed repairs (most not all). Everyone ended up having a really good time, and I think our relationship with my parents is definitely on the mend. They were thrilled to celebrate my son's birthday with him. I would consider this a big victory. Now it was not without some of her getting totally pissed off at me on Saturday night, and complaining all the way to my parents house, but I barely heard any complaints on the way home and she seems happier overall now. 

[Grey Kitty]

That is great news!

Of course, it may change again. Do be ready to make sure that you at least get enough time with your family, and eventually that your son has a r/s with them as well.

Understanding your own boundaries and how to enforce them is important even when you don't *need* them now.