Having children of my own

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My unbp mother always glorified motherhood I think she really enjoyed the attention she got from it, she called babies little miracles and told people off for saying the word 'pregnant' because she didn't like the idea of people not acknowledging the baby inside. I always felt really creeped out by the things she said about children and I got the idea that she fantasised about me having a child, not being able to look after it and having to give it to her.

So I've carried this idea that if I ever had a child it would belong to my mother because I was too much of a bad person to raise a child and that she deserved it more, along with all the wonderful feelings that come with motherhood. The other day I had a bit of a breakdown after watching a documentary about home birth and all the wonderful things they were saying about giving birth. I burst into tears, I felt so left out! I didn't understand why all these women were allowed to experience childbirth and I had put a wall around myself to protect my unborn unconceived children from my psychotic mother.

The survivors guide's last step is giving yourself permission to share in lives riches and I feel that even though I've never given myself permission to have children I'd actually in my heart of hearts love one and think I'd make a really good mother.

Have any of you experienced this as part of your healing process? Going from a negative view of motherhood to a positive one? I'm not going to start trying for a baby now but I'd like to plan to have one with my partner in a few years time.

[zubizou87]

My unbp mother always glorified motherhood I think she really enjoyed the attention she got from it, she called babies little miracles and told people off for saying the word 'pregnant' because she didn't like the idea of people not acknowledging the baby inside. I always felt really creeped out by the things she said about children and I got the idea that she fantasised about me having a child, not being able to look after it and having to give it to her.

So I've carried this idea that if I ever had a child it would belong to my mother because I was too much of a bad person to raise a child and that she deserved it more, along with all the wonderful feelings that come with motherhood. The other day I had a bit of a breakdown after watching a documentary about home birth and all the wonderful things they were saying about giving birth. I burst into tears, I felt so left out! I didn't understand why all these women were allowed to experience childbirth and I had put a wall around myself to protect my unborn unconceived children from my psychotic mother.

The survivors guide's last step is giving yourself permission to share in lives riches and I feel that even though I've never given myself permission to have children I'd actually in my heart of hearts love one and think I'd make a really good mother.

Have any of you experienced this as part of your healing process? Going from a negative view of motherhood to a positive one? I'm not going to start trying for a baby now but I'd like to plan to have one with my partner in a few years time.

[nomom4me]

I worried about this in pregnancy and pre-pregnancy.  The moment I went into active labor something cliched, the doula said I switched to "warrior mom".  My mom isn't allowed to be alone with my child. period.  I don't think about her as much, because I am now busy with my own family.


The best thing you can be for a child is prepared.  Hormones are funny, I do have moments of feeling bad about my mom.  I have support, I have boundaries and I do not condone using a child as a pawn, but I have seen this myself and heard it from other parents.  When given a choice between respecting boundaries and not seeing their grandchild, boundaries are not as difficult to respect.

[aubin]

I worried about this too. I went through lots of healing before deciding to have a child. Still, so much more healing has happened since my son was born. Having him in my life and having the responsibility to protect him above all (and especially protect him from the crazy that is my FOO), I found that it's much easier to set boundaries now. I don't second guess things, especially things concerning him, nearly as much as I used to as I am FIERCE about making sure that he is treated with the care, kindness, compassion, and respect that he deserves. I will not allow anyone around who cannot or will not treat him in this way.

Growing up, my dysfunctional FOO had me believing that to love a child takes a lot of work. That children were hard and ungrateful and generally a pain in the *ss. Now I know that hearing my mother say those things about "children" was really her expressing her ambivalence about me. Knowing that I am NOT ambivalent about my own son, but love him deeply and unconditionally, that I am NOT like my mother in that way, that I am trying to parent intentionally and with an open heart... . it's all part of the continued healing for me.